A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am probably being silly but my partner was married a few years ago and been divorced over ten years. He has told me that how he feels about me is far deeper than his ex wife, he said he was very unhappy with her and he looks back and knows it was a mistake.Yet even years after their divorce he still had her on social media and heard from her from time to time despite saying he hates her, he deleted her when he met me.I can't help but think he must have still liked her and as she was his first love technically he will still have hidden feelings for her. He left her and went with another woman at the time yet despite this she has come back into his life over the years and I fear that she can and will do so in the future.My partner reassures me all the time this will never happen but I see this woman as a threat, am I being silly or have I reason to worry?
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (17 January 2019):
 I'm going to give you some different advice. It's a different way to look at life. If you can wrap your head around this concept it will change the way you think about relationships. It can overcome the problems Owl mentioned. It includes a lot of what Honey said. So here goes
Yes his ex is a threat. Not much of a threat, but certainly a third person that will affect your relationship. Also there is a woman who works at your local grocery, she has red hair and a pleasant smile. She doesn't exactly flirt with him but she is interested in keeping his business. She is also a threat. She is also a third person who will affect your relationship. Then, there is that woman on the beach 2 summers ago. She was just sunbathing, but she had such a beautiful figure that he still thinks about her on occasion. You bet she is a threat. And the actress in that movie you went to last weekend. and girl in his office and a million others, and . . . .
There will always be a third in your relationship. You can probably think of a few of your own thirds that are threats to him. But, But, (and this is the really hard part) This is a GOOD thing. Because without the constant competition, you would lose interest. The threat motivates you to be the better partner. The threat motivates him to be a better companion to you. If there was only you and him you would take each other for granted. It would kill your relationship.
Can you believe this?
Can you see how accepting that there is a third and that it is a GOOD thing will help you overcome insecurity? Because hey, with all of those thirds out there, guess who he wants to spend his time with?
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (17 January 2019):
 Just because they were not right for each other as husband and wife does not mean they cannot remain civil and even be friends. That is what most adults try to do.
SHE is not your problem or your enemy; your THOUGHTS are. Perhaps it might be a good idea to see a psychiatrist who specializes in cognitive behavioural therapy to help you control what seem like totally irrational thoughts and fears.
If you are not careful, you will drive away your partner. There is only so much insecurity and neurotic behaviour a person can take before questioning whether the relationship is worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019): My advice on Nov. 11, 2018:
"It's such a big waste of time being in competition with the stuff going-on in somebody's head! If they can't control it; the best thing to do is to let them go. Don't suffer for it."
"That would be my advice to him, if he is aware of what you're thinking."
Insecure people with trust-issues sabotage all their relationships. They have one failed-relationship after another; because they demand guarantees, and around the clock encouragement. No amount of reassurance is enough. So, the results are always the same. The target of their insecurity gets frustrated, tired of their suspicion, tired of pleading with them to be trusted; and they just leave.
The odd thing is, they won't let go. They cling like glue, and drive you crazy with distrust!!!
Keep asking the same question; and the answers will be the same, until someone comes along and tells you what you want to hear.
It would do you a great injustice to do that; because it would only prolong or exacerbate your insecurities, and you will never feel at-ease in your relationship. Concerned over his past relationship.
Until she drops dead, I guess his ex-wife is going to be a threat to you. My guess is, he'll just throw-up his hands, give-up, and leave you.
My advice is, take the plunge. Love him, and enjoy the relationship until you have irrefutable proof she is a threat. Don't be overcome by unsubstantiated fears, suspicion, and distrust. He might be forced to dump you before you get the chance do that, unfortunately.
If you don't trust him or his ex-wife. Let him go!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019): I only found out a couple of days ago that he had kept her on Facebook until the time he met me and i just don't get why he would remain friends with someone he said he dislikes. He didn't bad mouth her, that was only when i asked him further about her as a person and he told me the kind of person she is.
I just don't understand why someone who he says he regrets wasting a lot of years on can seemingly come in and out of his life the way she has. I don't believe she poses a threat in terms of he would ever be tempted to go back to her but i would never remain civil with someone who did what she did, again i just don't get it
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 January 2019):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-did-he-still-help-his-supposedly-awful.html
Back again?
If you REALLY want to stay with this guy then you need councilling as you clearly can’t get over this on your own. You will get the SAME advice every time. Posting with a different age or country won’t change things.
My suggestion, why keep putting yourself through this? Find someone who doesn’t unleash your insecurities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019): I feel he played up how he met her when we first met then on getting to know him it became clear what kind of a woman she was.No he has given me no concern to be worried he is a cheat or a bad partner. But she seems to have come in and out of his life despite him telling me she was his biggest mistake in life.
I guess I just don't get why he wouldn't have cut ties with her the minute he left her and she married someone else.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 January 2019):
 I think he has done ALMOST everything right here and you are nitpicking (for whatever reason).
The only thing he didn't do right, is talk smack about his ex. That is just not needed. Even if he dislike her today, or they had a rotten marriage. At some point in time you (he) just got to let it go and live in the here and now.
Having her on social media doesn't mean he still loved and cared for her. I don't know HOW many people have people on their social media they REALLY don't like just to keep tabs on them or show them how little they still care. It's kind of beyond me, but that is modern day social media. However, THE moment YOU two because serious he deleted her.
You can know for sure that she won't come back in his life. THAT is true, but being distrustful of him (when he HASN'T done anything to deserve that - while with you) is unfair. And it's also out of your hands.
Just because she was his "first love" doesn't mean he will want her back. Ever. After all he did move on twice, at least.
Do you have a first love in your past? My guess is yes, If you are in the 41-50 age group, he SURELY isn't the first man you have loved, dated or been with. At your age EVERYONE has a little baggage. Even you.
What can you do, well you can decide if you want to "compete" and "compare" yourself to his ex-wife and BE MISERABLE in your relationship.
OR LIVE in the now, enjoy your partner, make a GO of what you two have.
OR just not DATE anyone who has had an ex.
I think there are OTHER things about him you are unsure of but you have CHOSEN to focus on him and his ex-wife's interactions.
If you feel like you can't trust the guy, WHY be with him?
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