A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay - will try and keep this short - but are affairs of the heart ever short though...So - met a great great guy at a house party about 4 weeks ago. We talked and laughed and just got on really well. As he is a lecturer where I work - he plucked up the courage to ask me out 2 weeks after the party. It was all very charming and sweet. So - the date was great but he did freak out a bit when I mentioned that I would like children one day....He is 46 and not sure about them...But he is a lovely lovely guy but just very unsure of himself and if anything was very scared of having a date with me.Sooooo - the day after the date - he phoned and said that he had the loveliest time with me and would love for me to go to his studio - he is an artist and do other fun things. He was sorry that he was a little scared but he just felt a little out of his depth.So all seemed great and though he was apprehensive - he was just going with the flow.Then the day after - he called to say - sorry, but after lots of soul searching he thinks its best that we didn't see other again as he wasn't sure about children and thought that I deserved more. He said that he was quite resolute about everything.... So I was really upset but hey - after one date - just gotta lift that chin up once again.....So after a week - he sees me in the canteen for the first time and I did see him but just didn't feel like saying hello so kinda pretended not see him - terrible I know but I just couldn't face it. He then, after I leave for the day, bolts into my offices to see my Chief Executive (who knows us both) as he really needed to talk to someone. He expresses that he is in dilemma - that he truly likes me and that he feels terrible at the moment but the whole wanting children think has scared him witless. My CEO thankfully was like - listen, she doesn't want a baby with you after the first date and why can't you just get to know each other and have fun!!!! He was concerned that I would never talk to him again and she was kinda - don't be silly. So the upshot it that we will both be at a leaving party on Friday......So, whats the best way to play it? I still haven't got a clue what he actually wants as the last thing he said to me was lets just leave it at that. I get that it mustn't be anything heavy but what's the best thing to say to not scare him s*^tless but show that I do care???? Am so confused - I get that he is in a dilemma but whats the best way forward.A little bit about this guy - he lives at his family home with his elderly father, twin sister and her boy. The sister seems to influence him alot and I think she was possibly the one that said that as I wanted children to run for the hills. I can't work out whether thats because MS runs in the family or she wouldn't want to lose him. I guess being in such a nucleus family - any change is alot to handle.Apologies for the War and Peace epic but this guy is really lovely and kind and as my CEO said, he is actually worth a little more time. Thank you to anyone who reads my ramblings and has any thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy thank you!!! If it's meant to be - then it will happen :-))
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy thank you!!! If it's meant to be - then it will happen :-))
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): Hells To the Yah I Sez! CONGRATS!! :D
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a further update - am marrying this guy in April. It's possible for a person to freak at the very beginning after a date but if you are the right person - then everything falls into place without any more dramas or hassles!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Caring Guy but no - he isn't telling me what I want to hear but it's about being honest and actions speak louder than words. Its a new realtionship so who knows where it will go but there are no games etc and it's all very natural. So for now - all good :-))
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 May 2011):
All I'll say is just be cautious that he has changed, and isn't just telling you what you want to hear. Other than that, good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thought I would add a little update on this as it does go to show - even when it seems best to run a mile - a person can change and prove everyone and anyone wrong. I guess that is the beauty and the dilemmas we face in life.Well this guy has done a complete turn around - he admitted that he totally freaked out at the beginning but after some time thinking - he is like a totally different person. It's only been 2 months but he has been loyal committed and quite amazing. He admits he was a total idiot but has made up for it 3-fold! Who would have guessed it ehSo moral of the story - all things are possible - there is no black and white in life though of course it helps to talk, ask the questions and get peoples opinions
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAhhhh Caring Guy - this is also along the lines of what I am thinking - many many red flags! But when you do actually meet a genuine caring guy it all gets so fuzzy and the cold truths conveniently wash away! Am not putting life on hold and am certainly not expecting anything - am just I guess a bit of a romantic who always hopes that there is more.....stupid I know....But thank you - puts it all into perspective.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 March 2011):
My thoughts are, that this guy has way, way too many problems for you to seriously consider anything with him.
I get that he might have freaked out a little bit when you mentioned kids - most men do at some point.
But, this wasn't just a small freak out - this was practically a breakdown on his behalf. He has made a huge mess of this, and has sent out too many conflicting messages in all angles. The only thing is from all this, you can see that he's a man that doesn't offer any emotional security.
1 - Before this date, this man was very, very scared because he's so unsure and was wary of a date. This isn't a good sign, and points to major emotional problems. It's natural to be nervous, but not to the extent that he was.
2 - You do want kids, he has made it very clear that he is beyond unsure. That's also not a good sign, as it points to a waste of your time.
3 - 2 days after calling you to apologize, he freaked out YET AGAIN - to the point where he ran into the CEO's office!
4 - He lives with his father and twin sister - at 46? Really? Not to be funny, but there might be something wrong with all that. He's clearly not his own man. Another bad sign.
Your CEO says he's worth more time - I most certainly do not. At all. In life, you will meet losers, you will meet commitment phobes, and you will meet emotionally inept people. I'm not sure which one he is, but he's one of those I've just mentioned.
This guy doesn't offer a thing. Not one little thing. He can't offer you commitment - he'll make a run before that. He can't offer you kids - he'll make a run before that. He can't make his own mind up - he'll run before that. The list is pretty endless really.
Bottom line? You should be the one running away here. You're worth more than a guy who freaks out so much after one date, and so clearly has major emotional failures.
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