A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About two weeks ago, I found myself (regrettably) drunk after a super fun night out with a group of friends and my boyfriend, who I have been seeing for nearly 6 moths. The BF very sweetly took care of getting me to my house, getting me into my pajamas, making sure I brushed my teeth and drank some water, and into bed. As were were lying there I was just overwhelmed with this stupid urge to tell him I love him (something neither of us has said). I told him I had something I wanted him to know but that it would ruin everything and my dumb drunk mouth just kept repeating that. He finally was like "tell me or I'm going to sleep" and I said "Iloveyoubutpleasedon'tsayitbackifyoudon'tmeanitihaveahardtime-" to which he cut me off and said "I love you, too." I started to get a little teary (i was pretty intoxicated) and said "please don't say it back if you don't mean it." He told me he did mean it and I kissed him and pet his head for a little while and told him he was "such a good human" (really, really intoxicated). So fast forward a few days - I had to go out of town and we didn't see each other. The next time I saw him I asked if I had dreamed telling him something really important or if that was real. And he said it was real and I started to freak out and got a little mad and asked why he hadn't said anything. He said he was waiting for the right moment to bring it up and asked if I wanted to talk about it now. At this point it's 1:00am on a Wednesday and I have to be awake in like 5 hours so I said no. That night (Wednesday night) I dropped by his place and finally felt ready to talk about it. So we did and he said "I care about you a lot, I just don't know if I'm comfortable saying that." I genuinely don't know what he said next because my brain just stopped working. I shut down; I tried to leave but he wouldn't let me, so I started crying. I told him that now he knew how I felt and that was terrible. He assured me it wasn't. I finally left and spent most of the next 4 or 5 days crying off and on (my dog also had to be put down the next day so it just wasn't a good weekend). I asked him for a few days to think and process without us talking, as well as apologized for acting in a way that I now feel was selfish. We finally had the real "conversation" a few days later. I told him what I meant when I said that I loved him; that I had known for a while and that our relationship is probably the best one I've ever been in. He said he cares for me very deeply and respects me and that our relationship hits every mark on his "mental checklist" of what a relationship should be. He said he's very happy with me, pointed out all of my qualities that he likes, and that he doesn't want our relationship to end. His major point was that he hasn't felt the same "overwhelming desire" that I described to say "I love you." I know him well enough to know that he's an actions guy more than a words guy, and I'm definitely similar. He hasn't been in a serious relationship for almost 6 years and he said this has left him closed off and without a reference for what "love" is supposed to look/feel/be like (to which I really wanted to say that there is no reference, it looks different every time). He also said he could understand if I wanted to end things because asking me to stay with him is asking for me to take a big risk on something that may not happen and he would never want me to feel used or taken advantage of. He promised that if I would take that risk, though, he would work on figuring out his own feelings, on being more open and transparent with me, and on letting me know if he figures out that it just won't work. He also admitted he was scared of saying "I love you." I really, really do like this guy - you might even say I love him. I wasn't looking to date anyone when we started our relationship and I certainly didn't mean to fall in love with him. I've only had two serious relationships in the past, the first of which was horribly abusive and the second which ended because of selfishness on the part of my partner. I don't get attached to people easily, but this relationship has felt so effortless. Like all of the hallmark cheesy stuff - we like the same music, the same television shows, we have similar moral and political world views, we're supportive of one another when things are difficult and celebratory when things are good. Our friend groups get along super well and we even hang out with one another's friends one on one without each other. Everything about our relationship is textbook definition "good." And as someone who struggles with chronic depression and anxiety, it's one of those relationships that makes me feel at peace. And now I feel thrown out in the cold. Because I thought I was at a point where I knew him really well and that we were on the same page and I was so, so wrong. He's always asked that I not be afraid to be vulnerable with him because he wants me to feel okay talking to him about my problems and my fears - something that is really very difficult for me fundamentally. I don't like seeming weak to other people, and emotions to me are usually viewed as a weakness. So to be this open and honest was already borderline physically painful and then to have it all thrown back in my face just sent me spiraling into outer space. He's handled it, I think, beautifully. He's been kind and supportive and I went into our final big "talk" thinking I had to end things but came out of it thinking I might never be able to. I feel so hurt and confused and I think I just need some perspective: is this worth breaking up over? Has anyone else said I love you and not had the other person say it back? How long do I wait? Am I allowed to still say it even if he won't? And long term, if he does say it, how can I trust that he means it? I trust him implicitly now but I'm worried that if he ever actually says it, I won't believe him. Any advice is appreciated! I feel so lost at the moment. Cheers.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 March 2017):
 Well to me I think you are causing a big drama over nothing. Telling someone you love them is nice, hearing it is nice. But it is only WORDS! Loads of people say it without meaning it. As you said he is not a very vocal person. You need to look at the way he treats you and not want you want him to say. The last six months seemed to be going well and now you want to end it because he said he cares for you but he is not at the love stage yet? honestly you would throw away six months for that? I think you need to step away from chick flicks and realize that life is not all drama.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2017): I think he has come across as level-headed and honest. You might be a little melodramatic and jumping ahead of things.
He has expressed he doesn't want to end things, and gave you a list of those qualities and attributes he likes most about you. Let me tell you, unless a guy is serious; he won't even sit-down and discuss these things.
We were nearly a year into our relationship before I could tell my boyfriend that I loved him. He didn't rush me; but he said it to me first. There was no alcohol involved. He simply said it, but not all dreamy and love-storyish; but sweetly and very matter-of-factually. All I could say was "me too." I'd been dumped a little over a year before he met me. So I made sure my heart was wide-open and completely full of nobody but him. No bitterness, no grief, doubt, or regrets. I had to be completely healed. He is very patient, mature, and understanding. He's my boo!
I don't use the word "love" casually; and I don't throw that word around like fertilizer. If I say it, I mean it. He is a very sentimental person, and he expresses his feelings and shows affection generously and openly. I'm very openly affectionate, but I choose words carefully. He so patiently waited. Then one night over dinner, I looked into his eyes and it just flowed out of my mouth. We both froze; he had a mouthful of food as I recall. I just outright said it, "I really do love you!" We stared at each other, and both burst into laughter. That was going on over three years ago. His response was "me too!"
Six months is sort of early, but we all move at our own pace. I never allowed my boyfriend to doubt that I took his feelings for granted; nor was I holding out. I couldn't just say it, without feeling it so deep in my heart that I couldn't hold it in anymore. Sometimes he just gives me that look. I just say "me too!" He wells-up very easily, so you gotta give that big lug a hug! His warm eyes would melt your heart! You can still get pretty pissed at him, but not for long!
Give him time. Don't rush the words. They're like money in the bank drawing interest. When you finally hear them, and they come forth voluntarily (with sincerity); you will never doubt it. He's not a hand-puppet or ventriloquist's dummy that you throw your voice to hear the words you want to hear. He has to say it when he feels it. When it overcomes him.
Love is often said, but the actions don't comply. It is said too casually, or just because it's expected to be heard. You don't want it sprinkled on like sugar, you want it to flow like honey.
Words said in gratitude from tipsy-lips has very little meaning. Cute, but timing and circumstance will determine their credibility. It has be said with sobriety, and once you feel the relationship is well-established and flourishing.
It doesn't matter who says it first. It may not comeback as an echo, because you felt like saying it at the time. It's the actions, depth of mutual-feelings, and the chemistry that is exchanged between two people that give the words power and true meaning.
Doubt and insecurity will make you force the words. If you compel or demand those words prematurely; you won't trust them, and he can easily take them back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2017): If you read about the differences between men and women in relationships, one of the areas discussed is love and saying 'I love you'. Apparently, for men, saying I love you can be e really big deal. For them, it means something different. Women often feel happy to just state their feelings and that's that. But if a man says he loves you, he then expects that YOU, as the person he has said it to, will expect a certain level of commitment from him, resulting in a loss of his freedom.Now, I have no idea about this being correct or not, it's only what I've read, because I too have feelings for someone who SHOWS how much he cares, but I feel will not say it. I understand ChiGirls point of view as well, because I have only ever been with men who are head over heels for me and I know exactly how they've felt, but this one's different. I FEEL how he feels, rather than hear it.It sounds to me as if your boyfriend is being perfectly honest with you and wanting things with you to progress. He COULD just have said that he loves you to smooth things over and not cared about the aftermath, but he didn't. He was very honest and careful to try to explain exactly how he felt, which all sounded extremely positive. Some people aren't all hearts and flowers and passion and feelings, but what he sounds as if he feels is real and honest. He is treating you with respect to be this honest and also tells you how strongly he does feel. Which sounds like a lot. If the object of my affection said anything like your boyfriend said I would be over the moon!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 PS. I see others say people move at different speeds, and some people just take longer etc. Yes, sure, it could be. But this is a matter of compatibility. If YOU were this type of person yourself, who wasn't quite sure about your feelings for him, who take years to figure it out, and who are fine with lukewarm feelings and just being "comfortable" in a relationship and don't need or want passion and fire, then it'd be one thing. But you're not that person. You're the type of person who develops strong feelings, and who wants to feel connected to the person you love, and who will feel rejected each and every time your love for him crosses your mind, because it will be a daily reminder that he does not love you back. Whether he will in the future, maybe.. MAYBE, sure. But for each day he doesn't have those feelings for you, you will be hurt.
You are not compatible.
It's like compatibility in all other aspects. Some people like sex once a month. Some want it twice a day. These people should not be together! They are not compatible, and one person will always feel rejected, hurt and build up resentment. The same if one person wants children and the other do not. Doesn't matter how well they match otherwise, to be emotionally on the same level is a big deal in relationships. It's a compatibility issue. And this, to me, would be a deal breaker. I can not afford to throw my heart and feelings away on someone who "might" love me back after who knows how long. It'd simply hurt me too much. You need to protect your heart. Don't throw it away on someone who doesn't want it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 March 2017):
"He said he cares for me very deeply and respects me and that our relationship hits every mark on his "mental checklist" of what a relationship should be. He said he's very happy with me, pointed out all of my qualities that he likes, and that he doesn't want our relationship to end"
But he doesn't love you. You just check the points of his list. Yes, this sucks to hear when you've just given your heart to someone, only to find out you merely "check their list" in return.
Trust me, sweetie. You're a woman of passion and feelings, you want to feel fire and flames in a relationship of yours. I am sure you've been tormenting yourself with trying to NOT tell him you love him after 6 months! My goodness, people do not need 6 months to know if they love someone or not. Unless they are particularly emotionally crippled, and need years and year, or they simply DO NOT LOVE YOU.
If it was me, I would cry to. And then I'd end it. Im sorry, but I think I deserve a relationship with a man who is head over heels for me, would go to the moon and back, and who is passionate about me, passionate in his feelings for me, and desires and loves me equally as much as I love him.
If I was only harboring lukewarm feelings for the guy, it'd be totally okay if he just thought of me as your boyfriend thinks of you. That Im ok. Good enough. Cares for me. I check off many points on the list...
But if I love someone? Would that be enough for me? No. I'd be throwing away my time and love on someone who just isn't capable of retuning those feelings and dedication. It'd be one sided, not equal. I would leave, because I want more than that. I want more than to just be ok in someones book. And if this is how he feels about you now, after 6 months, still in the honeymoon phase where he should be over the clouds filled with bliss to be with you... Then I don't think he'll ever feel any stronger feelings for you. Sorry to say so.
Unless you're fine with settling and not being the love of his life... Then move on.
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A
female
reader, chachacha  +, writes (16 March 2017):
Goodness me, you are coming across as being quite hard work!!
The crux seems to be that
(i) you said I love you when you were drunk
(ii) you both then talked openly and honestly and shared how positive each of you feel about the relationship - a really marvellous thing to do, by the way
and (iii) you even say "you might even say I love him" so it's not like you sound 100% sure
and then, just because he hasn't SAID "I love you", you "feel thrown out in the cold".
Can you see how illogical that is?
Does he act like he loves you? Loving someone is not about saying "I love you" - anyone can say that, and they can be lying. Loving someone is about actually acting in a way which demonstrates love.
It sounds like, really, you have just found out that, having actually fallen in love with him, you are now vulnerable. Well when you find something good, you are always vulnerable to losing that good thing - would you prefer to throw the good thing away now, in case you lose it and hurt? Or would you just prefer to keep the good thing as long as possible?
And if you want to say "I love you" then say it. You ask "Am I allowed..." and I wonder who you think is legislating as to what you are or are not allowed to say. It's your life, you say what you want. Don't say it expecting him to say it back, say it because you want to.
Try to get a grip, and start to enjoy the wonderful man you seem to have found.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 March 2017):
 I think you're overreacting massively.
He's not at the same stage as you, so what? He's told you he doesn't want to break up, he's just doesn't love you yet. Some people take a very long time to get to that stage, I don't think it's very likely for two people to get to the stage of 'love' at the exact same time.
If he said i don't love you AND I don't think the relationship is going anywhere then maybe you have a case. It sounds to me like he's enjoying his time with you, he's just not at the same stage of feelings as you are.
Wait as long as you feel you're willing to and if you don't feel any better by that point then maybe you should reconsider the relationship at that point.
For the time being I think you give him the benefit of the doubt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017): The kind of thing you were hoping to have happened reads straight out of a movie, or Friends, or something like that. That's not my way of dissing you or anything, it's just that too many people (guys included!) use these stories as a base for reality.What I read from your question is that you have had an adult conversation where both you talked, listened and recognised each other's opinions on a delicate subject. While he has said he's not ready to say I love you yet, he has shown that this relationship means something to him. As have you, by not allowing this to bring you down. As a result you both know where you stand, what you want and why there is a difference. That is a valuable thing to have between you.You've both been open with each and that says a lot. If you value the relationship, which is pretty clear that you do, then see where it goes. Let him get there in his own time and when he does, you'll know he means it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 March 2017):
 Just step back, don't break up. You may be smothering him a little. Please don't get drunk again, have fun without losing control.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 I don't think you should break things off. I think you should get used to the idea that love can be peaceful, quiet, and does not require constant reassurance about what level you are each at. To say he is not at "that point" can be inaccurate because I can see that he is pretty devoted at the 6 month mark. He took care of you and encourages you to talk about your feelings. When he said he doesn't feel the overwhelming desire to say I love you, that can be true but that does not mean he loves you any less. Maybe he's not at the point to say that this relationship will last forever, or can guarantee you that things will be smooth forever. It is a learning curve for both of you.
Your strong feelings can be gratitude. Maybe express that instead because I love you is much heavier and harder to handle. Saying I love you won't grant you a marriage, or a fail proof relationship. I would say that a serious person would be cautious about saying I love you because you are not just expressing it for the moment, it means something long term and you can't ever go back and take back your words if in the future you find out you are not right for each other.
Yes be vulnerable with him but at the same time also acknowledge you have the same power as him. You are his equal. If one day you figure it just won't work, then you tell him also, out of good judgment and not just out of weakness and fear.
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