A
female
age
26-29,
*eenageWorrier
writes:Okay, hi.Me and a particular boy are getting on very well-he's sixteen and I'm fifteen.Last week he invited me around to his house, and I went on Saturday-it was just me but I'll tell you now, he did not force me into bed with him. On the contrary, we sat down and watched some of Pineapple Express and had a little wine. No, we are not raging alcoholics, but he smokes some. I know that you'll dissaprove of this, but my personal opinion is that it is entirely his choice and I'm just glad that we had the following conversation:Tom: People are always asking me why I smoke. I always make up stupid excuses like God told me to....my parents make me...cause it's cool...Me: Do I get to know the real reason?Tom: (shrugs) Cause I'm stupid.At least he's honest about it. Also, he told me he'd never let me smoke, so at least he cares about that. We flirted a little, laughed a lot, and occasionally he nudged me with his foot or flicked me.His jeans were too tight (I know it sounds like a line but to be honest it was quite true, haha)and he did take them off, and he said in a jokey, voice (I can't stress this enough) "Well meg, looks like you're the only one..."Yes, I did take my top off but he pretended to be all offended and shocked I hadn't done anymore. We did have a fun wrestling match and I ended up lying on the sofa in his caravan, his arm around me (I was wearing zilch) and we were under a blanket.I am still a virgin, and he totally respected that, but ohmygod he is skilled in teh hands department! I know I sound liek every other infatuated teenager since the dawn of time just because he's good at....stuff. Okay, so he, oh I don't know, he touched me and that. We didn't kiss and I SO know it sounds like he was in it just for the sex, but he wasn't. He isn't a virgin I will say that, and he didn't pressure me into everything, he so checked I was okay.So in short: We didn't have sex, but ended up very close, and I only didn't have sex because I was afraid it would hurt, I know you have to go slow the first time. The whole age of consent thing wasn't it, or 'waiting for teh right person'. Sex is a fun, new experience and I think he'd be the right person to introduce me to it. Of course we would've used protection, and he said, "If there's anything you don't want to do just say stop."Right, he likes me, I like him but we're not exactly together. We said we'd keep what happened in teh caravan quiet, we both agreed to that.Just one problem:I wish I'd said yes now. I really like him, and we've been getting on well now at school, but now he's sixteen so it would be classified as rape. I really wanna be with him, what do I do?Thanks.
View related questions:
alcoholic, flirt, smokes, still a virgin, too tight Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TeenageWorrier +, writes (18 October 2009):
TeenageWorrier is verified as being by the original poster of the question Okay, fair enough. I'd blame the lack of sex education at school. But I do know that you need to be in a steady relationship, love the person etc.
You asked some very important questions, and I take your point. I don;t think it's all about penetration but I guess I assumed that's how straight couples lost their virginity, and so, mine is still intact.
I'm definitley going to cool off and talk to him-I'm 100% not going to be easy, I'm going to be careful from now on, that's for sure. I'll let you know how things go.
I'm never going to put myself in danger, if you know what I mean.
Thanks again
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (18 October 2009):
 That is the problem with teenagers. To them sex is all about penetration. Penis in vagina. But sex is about far more than that.
Penetration is only a part of sexual intimacy. Anything sexual is SEX. If you gave him a handjob, or a blow job, that is sex, if he fingered you, or went down on you, that is sex. Penetration, both vaginal, oral and anal are also sex. Masterbation is sex, albeit solo sex, mutual masterbation is sex.... can you understand. So you may not have had penetrative sex, but you have had sex of a sort. Touching, kissing intimately, fingering, it all is considered sex.
Are all lesbians virgins because they dont have penis-in-vagina sex? Do they have sex at all? What about gay men? Is what they do sex? If you have touched this guy in a sexual way, or he has touched you, then yes, you have had A FORM of sex.
Sex should be the icing on a cake in a relationship. It should be something that adds a sparkle to an already strong foundation, of frienship, commitment, and trust.
Relationships that start and are based PURELY on sex and LUST, rarely get off the start line, because once the newness, the lust and the excitement of the first few encounters wears off, there is nothing left. There is nothing left to talk about, and no-way of building the foundations of a relationship, because there was nothing there in the first place. The Sex WAS the relationship.
I am worried for you, that you will rush into something with this boy, because you do like him a lot. You want him as a boyfriend, and to have sex with him. If you give in too soon, he will think you are easy, and he will NEVER have you as a girlfriend.
IF you like this guy as much as you say you do, then take the time to BUILD something with him before you throw sex into the mix. Im talking waiting until you are at least 16 and have been going out/dating/seeing him on a regular basis for a good 6 months at least. If you look at many other posts on here you will see that a vast portion of people do not lose their virginities until they are 17,18,19, or they have been in relationships for 6 months to a year. There is nothing wrong with waiting and getting to know someone before you jump into bed with them!
At the moment he is your friend. Would you sleep with any of your other guy friends who you know on the same level as this guy? Probably not, but what makes him special. Get to know him better than any of the other boys you know. This way you know him on a much deeper level, you have an emotional connection to him, and you know that he isnt just trying to get into your bed, but actually wants to take the time to get to know you. He wants to know you, your personality, your goals, your innermost secrets, see you happy, take care of you when you are sad and generally act like a caring boyfriend. If he doesnt want to do this, then he is only after sex, and doesnt like you as much as you like him. If this is the case, you are way better off without him. You deserve someone who WILL take the time.
Sex complicates relationships, and changes the dynamics of how you interact with your partner. IF the relationship is not strong, or if there is no relationship there at all, adding sex will kill it off completely.
I really do hope it all works out for you, and you get what you want. But all I can say is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dont do anything stupid, reckless, or on the spur of a moment that you may regret in the future.
You only get to lose your virginity once, and it will stay with you till the day you die. Make it special, with someone special who cares about YOU.
...............................
A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (17 October 2009):
 Hi there :)Firstly I should probably say that I am not a person who believes we should strictly adhere to age of consent laws. The simple lack of consistency concerning the actual age of consent between countries makes me disbelieve in it as a system - everyone matures differently, and if you feel ready, I don't think a law should stand in the way of two people in love who want to explore sex.That being said, it needs to be recognised that the laws are there to protect young people. As much as anything its there to make you really consider your decision to have sex. Just from reading your post, I can't fully understand your relationship with this boy - its looking like friends with benefits, but I believe you when you say that this is not the kind of thing that you would sign yourself up for. I completely understand how excitement could have gone to your head on this one occasion (fingering without even kissing first/during is, to be blunt, not something which implies that you have good morals and attitudes towards the distinction between sex and relationships). Its obviously alright for everyone to have different attitudes towards sex, and in particular their first time, because by nature its a personal thing. However, you have to understand that attitudes change over time, and rapidly when you're younger - Im not trying to be patronising, but I'm 17 and I know i've changed hugely since I was 15, despite being certain that I was mature then. Think back just one year and I imagine you were mature at 14 aswell, but held different opinions then? I'm not saying mature 15 year olds are deluding themselves - but inevitably there are further developments to go through. This is why I would always advise that people not rush into sex without being sure that theyre with the right person, at the right time, ensuring theyre using protection etc - you don't want to look back and regret something so special. So to try and answer your question, the way that I would approach the situation personally is just to talk to the guy and see whether he wants an exclusive relationship - forgive me if I'm getting this wrong, but it sounds like thats what you want. Your age is, to me, insignificant so long as you make sure you use protection and are completely comfortable with everything. :) Until you are in this relationship, I would wait for sex; I'd actually venture to say that it will feel that much more exciting and special once you know that you are not just having sex, but building on a significant bond with another person.Good luck :) xx
...............................
A
female
reader, TeenageWorrier +, writes (17 October 2009):
TeenageWorrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUgh, sorry, I wasn't in a good mood last night.I know, I know, I need to calm down-and I will. It's weird to think I'd 'essentially' had sex, because I've always thought of it as penetration...and he didn't do that. Because it was the 'upper body' if you where I'm getting at.Hm, okay I admit to sounding love striuck, because I probably am. I am going to be careful, because you hear such stories these days..yes, I'm going to cool it down.Unfortunatley I'm one of those people who sometimes acts on impulse and feelings, but that isn't always the best idea, I know that.No, I wouldn't say you're bossy. You're very honest, and that's important, so thank you.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (17 October 2009):
Ok, you know your own mind, and nothing we say is going to change it for you. This is the standard teenage reaction to being told "NO". This was the last paragraph of your original question.
"I wish I'd said yes now. I really like him, and we've been getting on well now at school, but now he's sixteen so it would be classified as rape. I really wanna be with him, what do I do?"
As you can see, this shows you are love stuck, and really suggests that you WOULD have had sex with this guy, regardless of being in a relationship which completely contradicts your last post. If you are so intent that you would NEVER have sex without being in a relationship, then why ask the question?
Can you see where I am coming from? You said no that time, but you are too blinkered, and whether you like it or not, you will have a hard time resisting because you do like him so much. We have all been there. Its so very very easy to "get caught in the moment" and sadly its those moments that lead to unprotected sex, teen pregnancies and STI's.
As for not having sex on a first date, essentially you already have had sex with this boy (he fingered you - that is sex)and got naked and you havent even been on a date.
No one is saying you cant go out with this guy, or have a relationship with him, you just need to cool off on the sex stuff until you have established a relationship. It is perfectly ok to have a relationship without sleeping together. You havent even kissed him! "We didn't kiss" but you want to have sex with him? I think you need to get the priorities in the correct order.
Please think about what you are doing. I totally understand that you think I am a bossy adult who is stopping you having fun, but I have seen what this can do to people, and as a mistake, it will stay with you for a very very long time.
I sincerely hope you do the right thing, and realise what mistakes you could be making, but as you seem to know your own mind, there seems little point in trying to change it.
...............................
A
female
reader, TeenageWorrier +, writes (16 October 2009):
TeenageWorrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRight.I don't think I know everything, because I certainly do not. I am a close friend of him and we do want to get to know each other better. I'm not saying that as soon as I started going out with him I'd have sex with him-far from it. I think we both just got caught in teh moment, if you want to put it that way, although its too cheesy for me. I am also going to be frank and say that I don't feel 'love struck', I have never felt love struck in my life, but I do like him, a lot. I wouldn't do anything for him, certainly not, because I have rights, and if he asked for sex on the first date he'd get a big fat NO. He can do wrong, and if he does I will tell him so.I don't idolize him or anything, I'm sorry if you thought I did. I do have a life outside of boy related matters. I know peopel feel 'ready' at different times and I know that it would be classified as rape, but I'm going to maybe childishly protest that I do feel that I know what I'm doing here and if at any moment what-so-ever I felt uncomfortable I'd stop, rightaway, no question about it. I wouldn't just have sex to please him.I know I'm not 100% mature and grown up now, but he doesn't just take away girls' viginity just to get laid. It sounds so so incredibly biased, but he isn't liek that. Okay, I know he isn't perfect, but he respects me and he said himself we didn't have to if I didn't want to and so I didn't. He didn't make me feel guilty or anything, I promise.I know it sounds like I'm easy, but I'd never done it before and yes, I had had a little to drink-not a lot, but some so I felt more relaxed, naturally. I'd never have sex on a first date, nor strip. That was a bit of a mistake to say the least, but he's not spread anything at school, we're just acting normally both ways. I also detest the idea of one night stands and prostitutes.I'm sure that if I did/do have sex with him I'll become attatched, but I only would if we were in a relationship already, and if he dumped me right after that, I'll have to get over it it's life, after all. However, I don't think he'd do that, and I've been able to get over previous boyfriends before, although I'll admit this situation is fairly different.When he turns up, I do not just drop my pants! I've got to say that really upset me, because I'm not that sort of person at all, whatever you think. I'm sorry, but I am not. It was hours before it happened, and as I've said before, I'd had some to drink.I am going to go out with him, that is for certain. Because I am not just going to be a friend with benefits, or another term, 'fuckbuddies' because ugh, I'd hate that. I have a great deal of respect for myself.I know it sounds like I doesn't because of the situation, but it is very complicated.Ugh, I don't know, maybe I should just drop everything and go back to the way life was-which wasn't very cheerful. I don;t know, maybe it's just the way I'm feeling right now.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 October 2009):
I just want to point out that from a legal point of view, just because you consented, it means nothing.
As you are under the age of 16, even if you consent,or say yes, it doesnt matter. It is still rape and he can be charged.
To be perfectly frank, you sound like a love struck teenager, and that makes this situation even more dangerous, because you will do anything to please this boy, and wouldnt want to risk losing his attention. He can do nothing wrong in your eyes, and I fear that you are heading for a big reality check.
I did not mean to offend you, but we have all been teenagers, and at that age, we think we know it all. YOU think you know this guy, and you think you know what you want. You think you are grown up enough and mature enough to be having a sexual relationship with this guy. Believe me, you are not. IF you were, then you would realise that it is WAY TOO SOON to be considering sex.
In 5 years time you will realise that you were not grown up. BUT hopefully you will not regret losing your virginity to someone who didnt care about you and just wanted to get laid.
As for you saying you are not easy to get naked? The fact that you were willing to strip off with a guy who you are not having a relationship with does give off the impression that you are. That is the way it looks. I expect very few grown women would do this, unless it was a sex fuelled one night stand (which few women really take part in, and usually these turn out badly, and lead to the girl getting a bad reputation for being a slut), and the vast majority of women would be dating someone for a while before having sex with them, let alone having sex before they are even a couple. Girls who have sex on a first date, are used, and then dumped. They are not considered GF material - have a look at some of the other questions on here.
I think what you need to think about is not your raging hormones, altho I do understand that at 15, these are racing around your body, but have some respect for yourself. Take advice from the older and wiser people. We are not here to tell you off, or say you cant have any fun, but dont forget that we have been in your shoes. We were all 15 once, and we all made mistakes. Learn from our mistakes so that you do not make the same ones. The guy who takes your virginity will be etched into your mind forever. Dont make the wrong choice. You only do it once.
Losing your virginity will be a very emotional experience for you, and YOU WILL get attached to him, and no doubt want to have a relationship with him. Sex does funny things to womens brains. Will you be able to cope with him moving on to someone else after he takes your virginity?
By laying it on a plate for him, he thinks he will be able to sleep with you, and have no commitment to you at all. By stripping off for him like that, you also are giving off signals that you are easy. He doesnt have to work for your affections or your attention at all. He just turns up and you drop your pants. This is not the type girl most guys want, and you really do not want to end up with a reputation.
Have some respect for yourself. Just because he wants it and you want it doesnt mean its the right time. It costs nothing to wait a while. BUT if you rush it, you could lose a lot more than just your virginity.
Personally, as you are UNDERAGE, you should be working to forge a relationship with this boy. IF he likes you as much as you say, then he will wait. Go out, date, go to the movies, go shopping, out to dinner, bowling, play sports, but crucially DO THESE THINGS TOGETHER, without the need for sex. IF he doesnt want to do this, then you know he is only after you for sex.
On a final note - IF you choose to ignore all the advice and still go ahead with this, please remember that condoms break. Use two forms of contraception, preferably the pill and a condom. Also, as he has had previous partners you might want him to get tested for STI's before you do have sex. It only takes one time for you to catch something OR get pregnant. There are so many people on here who get pregnant at 15, or contract horrible STI's.
IF you want to do grown up things, then its time to start acting like one.
...............................
A
female
reader, TeenageWorrier +, writes (16 October 2009):
TeenageWorrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm the original poster, replying to everyone...
Yes, he's definitley willing to wait, and I had to laugh at the tight jeans line...
He always asked me, "Are you okay with this?" and also, "Just say stop if you don't want to do anything."
We have been very close for a while and others have commented on it saying all teh usual, "You two should WELL go out!" and so on.
I have to say (and I am a little offended, though I was askign for it, I guess) that i am not 'easy to get naked' and I know some boys would want for than anything to shout out what they did with last night's girl through a megaphone, just to make themseleves look big and clever, but I know this is going to sound mega-biased probably, but he's not that kind of guy.
He doesn't just sleep around with any girl that's going-there's always been a relationship, and I know what he did was illegal, but I consented to it (completely my decision, no force) and so I think that's fine.
I don't think he is 'the bees knees'. Nobody's perfect-we all have our faults. Personally, I bite my nails, am nosy and I hate it when peopel tell lies, although that's not such a bad thing.
I don't think he's some random boy who's cute, on the contrary, we're very good friends and the pros outweigh teh cons. I've been thinking about this throughout the week, wondering what to do. I don't plan on having sex with any guy that's willing-in fact I shoved this pervy boy away today when he tried to hug me, hes not to be trusted.
He's the kind of guy who does plan on being with a girl, if he's going to have sex.
I am also very observant and I know it sounds like a 'dirty little secret' thing, andd maybe it just sounds liek I'm in denial, but honestly it's not. I'm not stupid, sweet talking isn't going to fool me. I was the one who stopped us from having sex, remember? He's never had sex with multiple girls.
I know it sounds as if i'm really rude and ungrateful, but honestly, I am taking this in, I'm not rejecting it. I just know there's stereotype boys out there who sweet talk, and even have competitions to see who can have the most girls at once, but honestly, really and truly (I never lie) he is not that type.
I don't think he's the bees knees-he's not perfect, I knwo that, but as long as he respects me, in my own right then that's fine with me. If I was concerned there could be another girl, I'd do some probing and if he was with someone else, I'd drop him, I'm nto afraid of doing that. I realise he has broken the law, but I'm just as guilty-I consented to it.
Anyway thanks guys, I appreciate the replies.
...............................
A
female
reader, Violette09  +, writes (16 October 2009):
Yeap sex is fun, won't even try to deny that! Check out the girl that just posted pregnant at fifteen on here. It happens, don't think it can't happen to you!
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 October 2009):
I also want to add;
"Right, he likes me, I like him but we're not exactly together. We said we'd keep what happened in teh caravan quiet, we both agreed to that."
Sadly teenage boys often have multiple girls in the pipeline. They say things like this, so that the other girls dont get wind of what they are doing. "lets keep this between us" "its our secret"..... when actually it just allows them to have sex with multiple girls. The sweet talking keeps the girls pants off, and it allows them to have fun without having to commit to a girl. Boys like this do not want relationships, they do not want a girlfriend, they just want sex, and any vagina will do (sorry to be crude). When you stop giving it, they will drop you like a hot cake.
From an outsiders point of view, this looks like a train wreck waiting to happen.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 October 2009):
You wait until you are 16, and have been in a relationship with him for a while. Sex is not something that should be rushed in to, as it has a very profound effect on women and our hormones.
FYI - ANY type of intimate touching is considered SEX. This includes, HAND JOBS, FINGERING, ORAL as well as penetrative sex (anal or vaginal). The fact he has already touched you means he has already broken the law.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/switch/surgery/advice/sex_relationships/sex/age_of_consent/
*as you are 13-15, he could go to prison for 2 years*
In your post you make no mention of you two having any sort of relationship other than just being friends. There is no commitment on either part. I think you would be very foolish to give your virginity to someone who you have not been with for a period of time, and who you trust totally.
To us, who have only got this post to go on, you went to a guys house, someone you like, and are friends with, and let him touch you sexually. Please be careful - this could lead to you getting a reputation. If you are that easy to get naked, and let a guy play with you, people will talk. It may only be this boy, but believe me, boys like to brag. They like to tell all their mates about their sexual conquests and their prowess - if you do sleep with him, then be prepared for everyone to find out, and to think you are easy. Other guys might then think its ok to have a crack at you too, as you then have a reputation for "putting out".
YES, you may think he is the bees knees, but you also say that he isnt a virgin - how many other girls has he sweet talked into sleeping with and then not been with again after he has taken their virginity? Having sex with someone should be the next step of progression in a relationship that has already been established - not something you do with some random boy you think is cute. You should go out, do things together, date, find out about each other. Who knows, you might find a side of him you dont like - would you want to risk losing your virginity to someone you regret?
Be careful. Wait until you are 16. Dont rush into anything, and unless he plans on being your boyfriend, dont sleep with him. First time sex is a hotbed of emotions and hormones, and you WILL fall for him, so if he dumps you right after you will get hurt. Just be careful.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): You wait till ur sixteen. I know, waiting sucks but im sure dnt want to take the risk at his expense. Great thing is that he sounds like he's willing 2 wait...gotta b the sweetest story i've ever heard in my life tho...tight jeans~can't make that up~classic. But seriously, no rush.
...............................
|
