A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I'm 19 and have been dating my 20-year-old boyfriend for almost a year. We've had some minor fights over the commitment my job requires of me, but that's about it. In December of last year I found myself with a (requited) attraction to a much older, married, co-worker. This is going to sound weird, but on my end at least there was little to no physical attraction; I literally fell in love with this guy's mind. Recognizing said attraction for the completely bad idea that it was, I refused (and have continued to refuse) to act on my feelings toward Mr. Married. Wouldn't pursue anything with the guy even if I was single, because I neither want to wreck a family nor be "the other woman" he sees at his convenience.My problem is this: the kind of chemistry I felt between myself and him does not exist at all between me and my current boyfriend. In fact, my biggest pet peeve with the bf is his lack of academic intelligence. He's a really nice guy and is good to me, but the attraction (on my end, anyway) is mainly physical. Our conversations don't stimulate my brain at all and I feel like I'm having to explain every other word I use. I am the kind of person who reads a hundred books in a year; he hasn't read a book since high school, etc etc. Our interests are pretty similar in all other regards, but having seen the kind of mental chemistry I am capable of having with someone, I feel like staying with my boyfriend despite the complete absence of said chemistry is going to be "settling" and that sooner or later I'm going to be bitter about that.I really want out of the relationship, but he's pretty attached and I'm concerned about hurting him. We were each other's first serious relationship and he's one of those people who would bend over backwards to make things keep working. I don't want that. I don't want to change him, nor do I want him to change for me (if this is something that can even BE changed.)Do I suck it up and settle or cut my losses and break up with the guy... and if the answer is "break up," what's a nice way to go about it?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 February 2008):
Tell him the truth.
Tell him that you have discovered that you and him are not compatible and you want out.
It won't be pleasant but it has to be done.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): You would be doing him a tremendous favor if you broke up with him. It sounds as if you see him as beneath you because he is not as well read or, as you say, as intelligent as you are. If you can't have a conversation without having to define every other word, then how do you have a conversation? There are all kinds of intelligences, but he may not possess the ones that are most important to you. In the long run, staying with someone out of pity is never a good idea and, in a way, is pretty condescending. Unfortunately, there is probably no way to break up without hurting him and it is admirable that you are concerned about that, but you will hurt him more by hanging on longer. I guess just tell him that it's not right for you without going into the details that would be insulting to him.
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A
female
reader, faith_believe_love  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 There's no problem that can't be solved with compromising. I can understand you. If you want to end your relationship with your boyfriend then go ahead and do what you want if you know that it will make you feel better. You said that he's attached on your relationship with him I can see that he loves you and yes it will hurt him if you finally say goodbye. But hey remember this, it's better to hurt someone you love or you used to loved with truth than to hurt him with lies. Just tell him what you exactly feel and why you want to break up with him it's not hard to be true especially for someone your concerned about right?. I Hope you can find the words.. take care and good luck.
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