A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:What should I do my adult sister is ruining my life and my relationship with my other family.I am 50 years old and my sister is 48, we are both US citizens and college educated. My sister has juvenile diabetes that she got when she was 20 and in her last year of college, she married at 23 and I remained single, she went to an out of state college, I went in state to save my parents money. When my sister married she told my mom she did not want me as her maid of honor, mom not telling me this urged her to have me be her maid of honor so I was....my sister quit work 10 years ago when her twins were born...she has always resented me because I have lived near my parents while she is further away two states in fact, and she resents that I am not a diabetic....I have always tried to make my sister like me by doing things to help her out like driving her home 12 hours and taking off work to do so as she cannot drive by herself with the kids when they come to visit and her husband drops her off...Her husband makes a lot of money they live in a half million dollar home, I on the other hand have had a downward career path and am living modestly pay check to pay check on one income with my car paid off, but no money to replace it and so on. My sister lives in a house that has 5 bedrooms with interior attics that are stuffed with unused furntiture toys and my sisters vast collection of collectibles and stuff....Two years ago, I was asked by my parents to drive my sister and her kids home 12 hours by car after her month long visit, I had to take 2 days off of work to do this as she did not want to go on a weekend due to traffic....when I got there after one day she asked when I was leaving, no word of thanks for driving her, and then she accused mem of stealing a vintage costume necklace out of a dresser stuffed back in a closet of the guest room where I was staying, and later she accused me of stealing a bakelite bracelet, both pieces of jewelery were given to her by my mother unbeknowst to me.I did not take her jewelry, do not even know what it looked like, but her daughter and one of her friends had been playing in the closet while we were out and I offered that as an explanation....she wouldn't hear of it, she started yelling at me in front of her kids, because there was not talking to her and I did not want to discuss this or fight about it in front of her kids, I got in my car at 6 pm at night to drive the 12 hours home. I suffer from poor night vision and it started to rain, so I had to stay in a hotel in Dallas at $100 night as I could not see well enough to drive in those conditions. Not only that but before I drove her to her home, she and her husband agreed to buy a light fixture from me for $100, and her husband took that with him when he drove home earlier to go to work but did not pay me for it...so I contacted him via e-mail at work about the $100, and he said my sister did not want to pay me for it...needless to say I was pretty mad about the whole situation and I said some things that I probably had no business saying to him, but I also was trying to help by pointing out some issues like the fact that they both have drinking problems which causes my sister when she drinks heavily to have insulin reactions....in short he paid me the $100. But, after years of my sister not really being nice to me or talking to me, she moved away to Canada for 2 years and never wrote or phoned once, and when I call she screens her calls and does not answer the phone...this has been going on for years, my parents get into the act by taking her side always and getting angry at me, I don't have their grandkids and they have helped me out some financially as they have money, too and I don't have as much or enough some of the time....so I endure their beratement.This Christmas I invited myself over to my parents for Christmas dinner, and I brought gifts for everyone, my sister, her kids, etc. I even provided the turkey for our dinner....my sister nor her kids gave me a gift and her daughter pretty much snubbed me the whole time just like her mother probably told her to....Frustrated I offered to take the kids by myself to dinner for hamburgers on their last night, my sister was out shopping by herself as usual, so I was asking my mother and she just started an argument over it by saying they had plans to go to a fast food burger joing for lunch, and I was messing that up, and she mentioned this e-mail I sent to her husband which was really about the money owed for the light, but she made it sound like I wrote to say that they were too materialistic and they were raising a second generation....and I had nothing good to say about the kids, which is not true, I simply don't get to see them because of my sister, she said I did not care about my sister, and that I was not completely honest and took the jewelry which I did not...it is so maddening to have my Mom take her side and defend her and on top of that attack me and accuse me right along with my sister when she has no evidence to support her claim and their is no history of me taking anything from anyone.My sister on the other hand has a history of being very stingy, she has helped herself to many family heirlooms without any considertion of the fact that I might like to have one or two, my being never married I am not offered these....jor example she took all the original antique photos of our ancestors, like great grandmothers, not even knowing who some of these people are....when my grandmother died I got into researching our family geneology, and my sister had no interest in my research...I asked for copy of the photos as I had done in the past and my mom finally took them, paid to have copies made would not allow me to touch them or scan them or make my own copies and then returned them to my sister.....all off which is fine, but no lie, it took 12 years for her to do this for me at my requesting!I really hate my mother for how she behaves and puts my sister first at the holidays, she and her husband are really a couple of drunks, but she does not say anything to her about it, but she has the capacity to start
View related questions:
at work, christmas, drunk, grandmother, money Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (28 December 2006):
 Seems to me that you both resent each other. Which is very unfortunate, life is so short and these issues are common between some siblings.
To avoid any further disputes do not mix business with pleasure. Sister's husband buying stuff of you and pay for it. Never sell anything to family, lesson number one, always causes trouble.
She has a big house, you dont. so what? Not her fault
She has diabetes, you dont. So what? Not your fault. You get the idea? Circumstances in life beyond our control should not become unecessary issues between family relationships.
Now, your sister has a husband to drive her to see her family. This is not your responsibility and if you feel that it has been taken for granted, do not it.
I am sure that you mother loves you just as much, she may not even realise that her actions or lack of hurt you so.
You need to build a better bond with your mother. Sit down with her one day and explain how you feel, be gentle as it may be a surprise to her, tell her how important her love is to you and how much you would like to be closer.
It will not happen overnight and both of you will need to work at it but it can happen.
Try not to put yourself in competitive situations with your sister so that people do not feel they have to take sides. It will make things easier.
It is important for you to be happy with yourself and do not be resentful of others as it hides the nice person you are inside.
Try to be supportive without getting to involved in family conflit.
Be strong and I hope it works out.
Good luck lots of hugs xxx
|
