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I really don't want to be the victim in this relationship

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 August 2015) 10 Answers - (Newest, 25 August 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have three questions to ask.

Is it inappropriate to do anything sexual on a first date?

Can a serious relationship be determined on a first date?

Can anything serious come out of a relationship which was based on the foundation of sex?

I had met a guy through a mutual friend and told her I wasn't interested in meeting him. Months later, we were at a party and this same guy came. He was so charming, I almost fell of the stairs. So he got my number and we started talking. A week after, we set up a meeting and then one thing led to another, I ended up at his place and we had oral sex, well at least from me. And the next thing, he took 35 dollars from my wallet right in my face. He said he needed to fix something. I said he should put back my money. He eventually took and has assumed I gave it to him. I am very displeased and didn't want to let it go but I have learnt my lesson. The first day I ended up in his house, he told me he wanted a serious relationship, how is this even possible with some one you're just meeting. I don't want to believe him because we haven't had sex yet. I know there's a part of me that likes him but maybe I am used to being in unhappy relationships and can't see the impending disaster in this one. I haven't commited yet and don't plan on but I am really confused. My heart beats everymoment I get a message from him. Could this be on the spur of the moment. I really don't want to be a victim here. Help what do I do??

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015):

Wow.

That's great.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I want to let you all know that I have confronted him, collected my 35 dollars and broken things off with him. I even discovered more horrible things about him. It's very hard to deal with but I'd be fine. Thank you all.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015):

OP i am sure i speak for us all when i congratulate you on making your mind up not to allow this weasel into your life.

He will have every plaintive plea in the world and offer to return the money (so that he can nick twice as much next time) and he probably thinks in his head that he is training you up to be a hooker,if your blow jobs come up to scratch.

So he was just getting you in the habit of him nicking your cash because he'd take your money you "earned" of you and beat you up if you didnt willingly service him and relinquish your cash.

It is a one off ghastly experience but you have the common sense to never ever let him think he's part of your life or will ever be.

Thankgoodness you have a sticking point.

Better will arrive in due course.Keep him and your mutual friends very far away from you and look at ways to change your life for the better.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (23 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntNo, I don't mean that if you wait till marriage it's doomed. I mean relationships (WITH SEX) and the sex sucks are usually doomed.

People who wait for marriage can have great sex and they can have crappy sex and no know it..... So they may not know what they are getting...

BUT people who are sexually active while dating will at some point get fed up with bad sex. Some will cheat, some will walk away. For people who are sexually active - having a good sex-life IS important. Sex isn't EVERYTHING in a relationship, but it IS important to many people.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

@honeypie, I am baffled by your statement "relationships without great sex are doomed". Does that mean there's no guy that can wait till marriage. Oh my.

I refused to have him give me oral(i don't like receiving it). I initially told him I wanted just sex from him which is what I truly want, he refuted saying if I am not up for a serious relationship(which I don't think he should have said on the first day because I feel he is joking or hasn't gotten into my pants yet) he can't do fwb.

Why he took my money, I don't know but that's something I can't stand myself(someone taking money from me; no self preservation.

He wanted to add it up to somemoney for fixing his car, he said. And I really am very strict with my money. I don't know what happened. I guess I was testing him to see if he'd be sensible enough to not take my money.

I shouldn't have even allowed it in the first place.

It is for this single reason I have decided to move on. Thank you all for your advice.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015):

So this dude gets a first date blow job plus 35 quid?! I think you are being way to nice here. Do you always let people you don't know that well take money out of your wallet?

Honestly I don't think this sounds very good for you. Good for the guy! But not you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015):

Wow.

Seems to me you already are a victim. He gets you to give him a blow-job on your first “date”, then he takes (steals) money from you. And you still get very excited when you get his messages. Man, he really has you hooked – what a charmer. And now he wants to get serious – does that mean he wants you in bed? Heck, wouldn’t you have done that on the first date if he had asked? No, this is off to a bad start – and I think you know it.

YES, it is very inappropriate to get into sex on the first date – but lots of immature young people do it. NO, you can’t tell if a guy should be your one and only after one date. And NO – sex should not be the foundation of a relationship.

Tell him that he charmed you so much that you made a mistake and should not have got into sex on the first date. And that you would have no intention of having sex with him at all (except an occasional kiss) until your relationship has developed much further and you don’t know how long that could take but it will not be a few days, it will be months. If he truly is interested in you he will say okay and take you on dates, etc…

You may have to explain to this fellow that developing a relationship does not mean getting into bed and trying out more complex positions. But then you would have to know yourself how to go about developing a relationship.

You are smart enough to realize that something is not right here – now please be smart enough to take this as a wake-up call and do something about it – something that will change your life! Learn at least the basics steps of relationship building. There was a recent post here on Cupid listing good books on relationship building. Read one of them.

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/know-of-any-books-on-relationship-building.html

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 August 2015):

olderthandirt agony auntYes...No...Yes and Nope

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015):

he is a con artist.he got what he wanted.he got your money $35 that you could have spent on yourself or someone you loved.He said he wanted to fix something...he wanted to get himself the next fix of something we wont name here.He is an absolute disaster! He will charm the sun,the moon and the birds from the sky to get what he wants and i'll bet he's got a baby mamma somewhere shrieking that the kids need food.How else could he possibly think its ok to go into your wallet and steal your money.And dear ol manipulative him even makes you think he is in some way entitled to nick your money for the privelege of yoou giving him oral sex.Start telling him you are dating a police man and his interest in you will wane within a week.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 August 2015):

Honeypie agony aunt

Is it inappropriate to do anything sexual on a first date?

1. For some it is, for others it is not. It's absolutely up to you and your partner. And as LONG as you don't you HAVE to do sexual things. Personally though, I don't think it's smart to do as it sets a tone for the relationship.

Can a serious relationship be determined on a first date?

2. I think yes, as you can figure out if there is chemistry or not. BUT it doesn't always lead to a happy and healthy relationship.

Can anything serious come out of a relationship which was based on the foundation of sex?

3. I don't know. Long term, I don't think so. You have to have other things in common, lust wears off. However, I think relationships without great sex (no matter how they started) are doomed.

Going by what you write of this guy, I does raise a few red flags. 1. He got into your WALLET and took money from you. BIG freaking no-no. My HUSBAND of 17 years DO NOT go into my wallet without asking. This guy who is a stranger (let's be honest here) just took money off you. So what was the money really for?

2. there was sex (oral) but only YOU pleasured him. Pretty one-sided don't you think?

3. he told you he wanted a serious relationship, but did he specify that he wanted one WITH you? He wouldn't be the first guy to "claim" he wants a serious relationship to get you to drop your knickers or get sexual.

What do you do? Well, if you think he is someone you WANT to be with (not sure why) then GO on dates (and do NOT go back to his (or yours) until you feel you actually know him. SET boundaries. If a guy gets into your wallet you tell them no, you can't have my money. And don't date this guy JUST because he is a friend of a friend.

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