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I really dislike my rude in-laws

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 3 August 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Dear cupid,

This is more family relationship advice needed.

Basically, I am really struggling to get along with my in-laws. Every single one of them are just horrible people. My husbands mother is not involved because she abandoned him when he was young, his dad is rude and sarcastic and is extremely immature. His sister has social services involved because she is neglecting her children, his brother has shut us out of his life because his wife wasn't invited to our wedding (because it was just parents and siblings as we wanted a really small family wedding and his other sister hates me because she used to live with my husband and when we got togethe, we moved in together after 10 months and I guess she didn't like it.

His family are all so completely different to my family. We have always been a close family and I really struggle to get used to how they are. Before I had my son, my sister in law insisted that she throw me a baby shower. She had all these plans and it never happened and it got to four weeks before my due date and my mum and sister decided to throw one because she cancelled it. We then had a huge fall out because 'they were rubbing it in her face that she didn't do it'. They really weren't. Then when my son was born she wanted to be involved and apologised.

When he was born, he was in special care and I didn't really want any visitors apart from my mum because she was supporting me and 'showing me the ropes' of motherhood. She posted some photos on facebook and my father in law got really rude because he hadn't been invited up to see my son. He was two days old at this point. I have just forgiven them time and time again to avoid drama but they are so immature I have just had enough.

Today I asked my father in law if he could pick up a bed rail for my son if I gave him some money for it and he replied while I was getting him ready for his doctors appointment. I didn't reply because I was busy doing that and he then starting sending messages saying how I never reply to him and he always has to ask and the whole thing ended in me explaining that I don't always remember to reply because I have a million things going on and his response was 'Whatever' urgh! My husband thinks they're immature but never sticks up for me.

View related questions: facebook, immature, money, moved in, sister in law, wedding

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi Everyone, Original poster here. I just wanted to say thank you for all of your responses and that I appreciate them. To the first commenter, I know now that it was wrong but at the time, I was 5 months pregnant and very hormonal and just angry at everyone to be completely honest. I have apologised to them time and time again but what else can I do? I do not understand why you have referenced to my mother so much? I am a married woman and a mother who lives separately from her own mother so my mother does not make my decisions for me. I had her at the hospital because I was scared and I knew that she was the right person to comfort me because my son was in special care, hooked up to every tube going. I was having panic attacks constantly and I didn't know they were panic attacks so I was just very scared and that's the reason I didn't want them there. It wasn't on facebook that they found out he was born. My husband was messaging them through my delivery and afterwards and sent them pictures. I have decided after all to just accept them and get on with it. My main reason being that my son will never feel the same as I do because they are his grandparents and he will probably love them very much. So for his sake, I have decided to try and get on with them and involve them more in our lives. Thankyou all for you comments.

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A female reader, kirra07 Canada +, writes (30 July 2015):

There has definitely been mistakes made on both parties. I think that your in laws feel as though you treat them as second class citizens. I agree with the other posters that sister in law should have been invited. I can understand that you might not feel like she is that related to you, but she comes as a package deal with husband's brother. Casual girlfriend, sure exclude her, but wife? Can't agree with that decision. And the birth of the baby. I am of two minds on this. On the one hand, I can understand just wanting your mom there to support you. But this baby is yours AND hubbys. It doesn't seem fair to only allow your mom and none of his family. This baby has 2 sets of grandparents, and there should not be a priority given to either. Also, even if we go with your decision to only have mom there, I think it is rubbing their noses in it when she posted pictures to Facebook. That is the first time they saw their grandchild, and they were basically relegated to acquaintance status, to have their first peek be on facebook. Try to imagine your sons wife doing that to you someday. It hurts to be excluded. Especially when you feel as though you should be equally important.

It's hard, because naturally you will always prefer your own family. You want to spend more time there, have Christmas with them, have them babysit your child, etc. But being married means you have 2 families, and you need to at least try to treat them fairly. And to take into account their feelings. Especially need to be careful with social media these days. Let's say you decide to have baby's first birthday. In the planning stages, you start to talk with your family and work out the details, make sure everyone can make it. And you intend to invite hubby's side, but haven't yet. Then someone on your side posts some status on facebook and they realize they are the last to know, possibly not even invited. Or someone runs into them and asks them what they are bringing to the party, and they are in the awkward position of having to say they haven't been invited. My husband and I have been in that position, where his brother and sister in law invited everyone for baby's birthday and for Christmas, but not us. We were asked repeatedly by other members if we were going, and even invited to go by his mother, to which we said we would not invite ourselves when they did not. It is very uncomfortable and it just serves to alienate family members.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2015):

The first post is correct when she mentions that you should have invited the SIL when the brother was invited. Every etiquette book or expert will tell you it is proper to invite both people in an established couple; and not to do that is very offensive.

That said, I think if you have apologized sincerely and tried to make amends, then the brother may be overreacting to cut you & hubby off. On the other hand, if the behavior of the other family members is so horrible, maybe that is a blessing in disguise.

I think all that you can do is what you are doing now. Limit contact, and try to be kind to them even as they are acting as the entitled, self-centered people they are. Be consistant and firm with them, but not rude or dissmissive of their feelings either.

It would help a lot if your husband would stand up to them on your behalf when necessary. Please talk with him about this. I hope he will step up right now, before the baby gets any older and the family gets more entitled about boundaries with you and baby.

I am sorry I don't have any better advise, these situations are difficult and usually long lasting. Hang in there.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI agree wholeheartedly with WiseOwlE.

REGARD them as "strangers" you JUST have to be around occasionally. Which means, if you need help - don't ask them, ask someone who WANTS to help.

If they start crap over pictures on FB - IGNORE it. You mom had EVERY right to be at the hospital to BE there for YOU (mainly) and the baby. If your FIL got pissy over that? IGNORE it - and your mom should too. She certainly shouldn't apologize.

Your husband is a puss. Sorry, I can't find a better word for someone who doesn't stand up for his wife, even when it's "against" his family - doesn't mean he has to be rude or mean to them, just point out that hey you need to back off or whatever. He will rather ignore THEM and YOU, so HE doesn't have to deal with it.. PUSS.

Maybe he KNOWS that THIS is who they are and how they act and thus.... he sticks his fingers in the ears and head in the sand pretending to have no part in any of it.

I would honestly limit your contact with them. If they can't treat you with decency and you can't put your resentments away, WHY the need to spend time? Of course there will be time when there are family things going on you can't avoid, then you PUT on a brave face, behave with grace and dignity and go home. If you don't FEEL like spending a Sunday afternoon with them, then don't.. if your husband wants to go? Fine. It's HIS family.

Take the HIGHEST road every time, but DO not take crap from them.

ACCEPT that these people WILL not change. So the EASY way out is either do like your husband and ignore the drama or minimize the time you spend with them.

Don't hold grudges though, its pointless and gives you a bitter taste in he mouth. They act stupid or rude? Mentally roll your eyes and move on. Like your SIL and the baby-shower thing. She acted like a first class drama-llama - BUT she did realize (after the fact) that SHE was in the wrong - so let that go. Just file it away for future things, such as if she offers to do other events or things for you, politely decline.

You have to learn the technique of letting it roll of your back.

MAKE your OWN support system that doesn't involve them, if they don't like it? TOUGH titties...

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 July 2015):

Interact as little as possible with his family. Learn to dodge the drama. Stop engaging in arguments and reacting to every little irritation.

They are just like the people you're forced to work with, forced to share a seat on the trolley, or sit next to in a crowded theater. They have personalities and you can't like them all. So you adapt to what you cannot change, and change what you can. You don't have to put-up with anything in your own home. You show them the door. If your husband doesn't help, handle it your way; or be quiet. Most of it is drama anyway. He may not share your opinion of your family, and see them as lovely you think. He's not going to help you snub his family, and create friction for him.

You can hangup phones, close doors, and ignore fools.

You just learn to tolerate them and shrug them off. If you have to counter every attack, and visibly show how annoyed you are all the time; they're not the only ones who are rude and unlikable.

You know every flaw and imperfection. You didn't hold back in pointing them all out. People know when you don't like them, and they also sense when you snob them. Maybe a change in your attitude will make them less defensive and less likely to attack you. Be tough when appropriate, roll your eyes when that makes more sense.

You can't change them, and you made the decision to marry into the family. Your husband had to deal with them all his life. So he just may not care to get in the middle of it.

When people suck, you avoid them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2015):

Few things that I think you are doing to distance yourself even more from your husbands family.

1. I can't even start imagining that I wouldn't invite my sister in law to my daughters wedding.

This is for me a total insanity. It doesn't matter how small you want your wedding to be, but your sister in law IS the family. I really can't blame your husbands brother for not talking to you. This is beyond inconsiderate and rude. And your mom never told you how innapropriate it is???

2. You said your son was already 2 day old and the grandfather still didn't see the child? Really? Not even through the window, or a glass wall that they have in hospitals?

For me it's another big no no. And your mother thought it was ok for a grandfather not to see the newborn grandchild for the whole 2 days.

Did he even know that the baby was born, or he found out from FB pictures? Please don't tell me that's how it was.

3. I think your relationship with your husband's family is at the point that every little thing turns into the big thing.

I had a baby too, and believe me I know what it is to take care of the baby and the house.

But when you called didn't you expect a returned phone call? . Why not keep phone close to you, then while you are preparing your child for hospital put it on speaker and have a conversation while doing something else?

Honestly I think immaturity here is on both sides. The non invite to wedding was absolutely propostorus , not letting grandpa see the child is beyond my comprehension.

I don't kow how your family is better that your husbands family if they let things like these happen.

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