A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I would like to preface my question by saying that this isn't exactly a "relationship" question, but I am reaching out for advice because I know that some of you are really qualified to give advice about interactions with people, in general.I teach English to students who are enrolled in an adult education program. Some of them have come to the U.S.A. as immigrants, but most of these students came as refugees (they're fleeing their native countries, usually war-torn countries). I really care about them, and want to make a difference in their lives. It's just that I have a situation with one of my students and I have a dilemma because I want to help him, but I'm feeling helpless and awkward. Well, he came to the USA as a refugee a few years ago, and he is alone here. He speaks English fairly well, and he really tries. He is not a bad person or anything, but...It's not a kid, by the way, it's an adult student... he's older than I am (not sure exactly, but with grown kids). Last year he had major surgery and he asked if he could reach out to me if he needed help. A lot of people said I made a mistake, but I don't regret this because being alone in a foreign country and facing major surgery must be terrifying, and without a support system. What's happened now is that he is always calling me and texting me, asking me to help him with things. If there were some specific need, I would really be happy to, but I'm never really sure what his need is. I don't think that I'm the indicated person to help him. I sense that he's just lonely, and I feel for him, but I am getting uncomfortable at the same time. I feel sad for him because he was forced out of his native country, came here to a strange country knowing no English at all, and has no family nearby and lacks a real support system. There is a resettlement organization that provides access to school, job training, and housing/material things, but it's not a social support system. I sense that he's just lonely. I've never experienced being a refugee, but I know how it feels to be in another country and to be detached from the world you know, and to feel utterly isolated. Getting off on a tangent, my family and I are immigrants, and I was taken from my homeland and brought here for a "better life" when I was a kid, and I still feel lost and detached. People expect me to be grateful to be here, but I miss my culture and my country and long to go back to the place I consider my "real" home. I've never forgiven my parents for bringing me here, but I do truly love my mom (my parents made a mistake leaving our country, but that's another story and people are human and screw up sometimes) and I have my mom in my life (my father is remarried and I get the impression that he he never wants to see me because it upsets his "wife" to see me getting attention). I'm digressing, but my point is that I'd feel completely lost without my mom. I studied abroad in Spain, too, and I LOVE Spain more than any country in the world (except maybe Mexico, I love Mexico), but when I first got there I was so scared, and sad, because I realized how SMALL I was and how big the world is. It's scary. Now, I just feel a connection with internationals because I relate to them. Also, I hate to say this but Southern culture (if you're not from USA, keep in mind that there are cultural differences in the South and the rest of USA) can be incredibly insular. There are nice and horrible people everywhere, but the state where I live is really all about whose grandma knows whose grandma and people tend to stick to high school cliques and rarely reach out to others, and everything is for couples and marriage here. It's really hard to find your place here and really feel like you belong. Like I said, I came as an immigrant and I feel like my mom and pets are the only support system I have, I'd be lost without them. I think that it must be incredibly difficult for some of these students, and that's only the part of their lives I know. I've talked to them, and some of them have the most heartbreaking backstories. I thought I had a tough life (well, I do, but it's nothing compared to some of the things they've told me) but they've told me stories that shocked me. It's just that I'm starting to feel uncomfortable because I would like to help him, but he needs what I can't give him. I've talked to the school and asked for advice and resources but it didn't help to delineate things. I've set limits and told him that he can send me texts, but that I can't guarantee I'm available to answer calls, hoping that he will take the hint but he still calls me constantly. I won't just write it off as "not my problem," but I really have no idea what to do... I'll probably get judged as "unprofessional," but I'm making the right decisions and I'm willing to take the fall, even if it's a dauntingly steep way down. At least, I'm doing the best I can. I've told my mom and she says that he's taking advantage of my "good nature" and that he just wants attention. I don't think he's preying on me, I think that maybe there are some misunderstandings from cultural differences (I won't say where he's from but it's not my culture; I can claim Hispanic or USA culture but not this). I really don't know how his culture well, but I just know that everyone sees the world differently. And, I imagine he has a tough life. I want to help him but I'm not the right person and I don't know how to handle this situation. My social skills suck so bad, sometimes I think I have no business teaching!!!Thank you if you can help me, and if you've read my rant.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 May 2018):
 If you honestly think that he is capable of following you to another country then change your phone number, block him from being able to contact you and if you want to move back to your home country then don't tell him where you are going. He does not need to know anything about you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): You think he would follow you if you moved out of the country?Get your boss on board about this now.He has to be assigned to someone else.Your gut is telling you something and you should listen.If he still contacts you after that get a restraining order.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): You have a tendency to over-empathise with refugees because of what happened to you and because you have not come to terms with your parents' decisions in connection with this, particularly those of your mother. You will keep over-emoathising with these other people because you are actually trying to resolve your own feelings to do with being a refugee - you think you are rescuing this guy, but you are actually trying to rescue yourself - it's gone wrong because your need to feel rescued underlies your resentment and anger and this feeling is so deep for you that it overrode your sense of boundaries.
Your parents overrode your boundaries when they did what they did. This opened up pathways for you to override your own sense of boundaries too. Under the guise of seeming virtuous (by helping others) you are actually making your own situation come to a head - your resentment is becoming clearer to you.
Get some counselling to sort this out once and for all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): Hey,
I'm the OP.
Thank you for hearing me out and reaching out to me with your advice.
I've decided to talk to him, but I'm not sure if I should get an administrator involved. I'm going to talk to him and tell it like it is... that I want to help him, but that I can help him so much, and that if he needs something, he must ask me in person at school.
Just to clarify, I feel like he's capable (how many people can come and survive in a totally foreign culture and language?) but I just felt this pathos in the situation because I have experienced being alone in a foreign country and the concomitant feelings of detachment and isolation, but I should never have let them get in the way of my capability of rational thought.
I need my space and I have been upset for a reason, he doesn't respect my space. I know, cultural differences but he knows that I need my space and I feel taken advantage of. I made a mistake. I feel like things will escalate if I don't put a stop to it. I already repeatedly told him that i can't receive his calls but he still does it. I've asked him, but he STILL does it. I just don't answer him. He has an unfilled need, but he needs what I can't give him.
Yeah, I want to go back to my country or even somewhere further away. He'd probably follow me there, though!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): "People tend to spit in the face of God, and take their blessings for granted. You have an advantage that refugees don't. You came here with your parents. You were not forced to flee. So you can return to your country and not face oppression. Rather than resenting your parents for doing what they thought was best for the family. At the time they lived there, they made a choice they felt was right. You were too young to know any better! Yet, you're alive and well enough to complain about it!"
OP here. I just wanted to clarify, the above should be in quotes. I was quoting someone.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 April 2018):
You're written,
"People tend to spit in the face of God, and take their blessings for granted. You have an advantage that refugees don't. You came here with your parents. You were not forced to flee. So you can return to your country and not face oppression. Rather than resenting your parents for doing what they thought was best for the family. At the time they lived there, they made a choice they felt was right. You were too young to know any better! Yet, you're alive and well enough to complain about it!"
Has someone told you this? Why did your mention this?
You have a lot of resentment against your parents for uprooting you from your home country and that is causing you to react in different ways. Now that you're an adult, have you considered going back to your country? You're an English teacher and your skills will be in demand everywhere.
If you're unhappy then just move. No one's stopping you!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (25 April 2018):
If you have so much anger then why do you not move back to your own country? At least then you might be much happier.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018): Hi there again
You got a lot of advice. People care about you.
I think maybe a bit worried that this man is troubling and quite honestly being a creepy. No-one likes seeing someone who's troubled by a needy person!
Your anger....
Maybe you could think about moving back to your country you miss?
It's doable these days. You are a teacher and teachers are always good assets required around the globe and no doubt from your native land!
Your parents went to the land of milk and honey and it ended up being the land of lies and money, especially for your "sweet mum" and you. Your dad did something so terrible to you both, took his freedom to far and left you both to fend for yourselves and he probably coerced your mum to move. So not her fault and not yours. Time to move on.
Anyway, lessons were learnt here, probably all around. It's always good to be encouraged to get rid of stalkerish behaviour because you were being kind and nice. You'll just have to ignore his pestering in all the ways advised.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018): OP here, again.
Thanks for listening to my vent. I think what's going on is that I have felt resentment towards my parents for taking me from my culture, and that I feel guilty about resenting my mom because her life is hard now (my dad ran off with a co worker, no longer wants anything to do with us, he has buttered his bread and now he has to sleep in it) and she realizes that she made a mistake, and so I'm compensating for that guilt by trying to help others. Sounds complicated, but in this case I see how my actions have backfired. I think that it's not like I'm so much "weak" but that I have a lot of unresolved anger about being taken from my country and then I feel guilty about harboring anger towards "my sweet mom" and torn because "my parents ruined my life" and I try to make up for this guilt by "being too nice" to people.
I should never have let my emotions guide me to the extent that they have. All I wanted was a professional student teacher dynamic and I really think that you HAVE to have boundaries with students, but this has gotten out of hand.
I've stepped out of my role to advocate for students before in the past, but in those situations I was being logical about it and setting boundaries appropriate for the situation. I had a student who was gay, and not getting treated right at home, and I spoke to his parents. But everyone was on the same page- his parents, the schoolmaster, him, me, and it was a kid. I don't feel right about this guy because it's just gotten a tad creepy.
I've decided to talk to this resettlement agency and advocate that way, but tell this student that it's not appropriate to call me every day and to limit contact to at school.
I don't understand his culture, but I don't understand the culture I'm in now, either. I miss my own country :'(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018): OP here.
People tend to spit in the face of God, and take their blessings for granted. You have an advantage that refugees don't. You came here with your parents. You were not forced to flee. So you can return to your country and not face oppression. Rather than resenting your parents for doing what they thought was best for the family. At the time they lived there, they made a choice they felt was right. You were too young to know any better! Yet, you're alive and well enough to complain about it!
Everyone assumes that my culture is somehow inferior. I was taken from my home, my friends, a life I loved, and my identity. My parents made a mistake and didn't consider how it would affect me. I had a much better life back home than where I am now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2018): You've chosen a profession that demands compassion, discipline, and understanding. You gave your personal-number to a male-student; then gave him permission to call it. Now you're too shy to just ask him not to call it anymore?
Life is what you make it, no matter where you live in this world. The blessing from God is finding a place that is safe and being given a second-chance at survival. The man thinks he has found someone he can count on, someone sympathetic; so he has now become dependent. Like a baby, you have to ween him off your help.
Be professional. You must be subjective and put your personal-feelings aside when performing your job. You never part with your compassion; but using common-sense and your logic keeps a more intellectual and competent connection with your students; while performing your assigned job responsibilities. Which does not include coddling; or the care-taking of adult-students outside your classroom.
You're smart enough to know if a single-woman gives a single-man her phone number; he is assuming it's closer than just teacher-student. You are also aware he feels alone and isolated. You didn't think before acting. You're far from dumb! You know actions and consequences.
These are not ordinary people. They've survived war, oppression, and violence; which means they are stronger people. Their situation is not what it used to be. They already know poverty, but it's different here.
People tend to spit in the face of God, and take their blessings for granted. You have an advantage that refugees don't. You came here with your parents. You were not forced to flee. So you can return to your country and not face oppression. Rather than resenting your parents for doing what they thought was best for the family. At the time they lived there, they made a choice they felt was right. You were too young to know any better! Yet, you're alive and well enough to complain about it!
You may have chosen the wrong field if you can't deal with people. These are adults, and you have to be an adult too!
Concentrate on your responsibility to your students. That is to teach. As for things outside that realm of responsibility; develop more courage and discipline to maintain control over your personal-life, and keep your students in-line. Take authority. You are a leader.
Tell him you no longer wish him to contact you, and have him contact social-services to find assistance. You can also research online for organizations dedicated to assisting refugees from Syria, Honduras, Asia, Ethiopia, Sudan, and other countries. There are support-groups that have been formed all over the country to give him exactly what he's looking for. Connection!
The best way to severe dependence is to abruptly end it. He is an adult. He has survived thus far, and he will continue to do so.
Change your phone number. You have overstepped your responsibility by offering a student your phone number.
You're compassionate, kind, and an educated person. So you must practice prudence and establish authority within your classroom. Set boundaries and guidelines to protect you, and to maintain your professionalism. That doesn't require you to be apathetic or cold, just sensible.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 April 2018):
 Your alarm-bells are going off because you know this isn't a healthy situation. You know something is off.
This is a guy who were offered an inch and is taking a mile and keep taking because he KNOWS enough about American women to keep pushing the limit for what's appropriate.
It's fine to be nice. But ignoring the truth or your own GUT FEELINGS is not.
Your mom is right.
I think you need to cut down the availability asap. It is true you DO NOT know his culture, you DO NOT know his background and you honestly DO NOT know him.
There is a reason you feel the way you do. "It's just that I'm starting to feel uncomfortable ".
Be a teacher, that includes SETTING boundaries and having a CLEAR teacher student limits.
And I agree, where is his family? If he is grown man with older kids.. where are they?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2018): Just block his number and do not answer any texts.You do not owe him a thing.Cut him off completely.Just forget about him and get on with your life.Learn from this mistake so you don't repeat it. You are young life is about learning things.Rember this lesson and you will be fine.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (24 April 2018):
 Would it be fair to call your teacher up at his house when you were at school?? It's bordering on stalking you need to put a stop to it.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (24 April 2018):
You say he has no one but where are his kids? If he speaks to them THEY would be the ones to help him out with his PERSONAL LIFE- which isn't your professional OR moral obligation.
Does he have a learning disability? I work with such adults and most of them can be socially inept and not understand social boundaries/ conduct. If he DOESN'T have a learning disability he is taking the piss and making out that he needs more help than he actually does. Which means he's just be a bit of a creep- that KNOWS he's being OVER FRIENDLY and overstepping boundaries.
Either way like Anon123 said, you are his teacher. You are NOT his social worker or his bff! Don't forget this is a teacher student relationship, it's like you as a young girl hounding a teacher you're crushing on. Except this guy is a grown man!
YOU need to set boundaries because if you don't you could end up in a lot of trouble! Let him know you're happy to help him with anything to do with the class or if he's very concerned about something but that he has to ask you WITHIN the classroom as it's not appropriate outside of it. You're obviously a kind person that can do that tactfully and honestly?? He's survived long enough without a young girl to constantly hound. His behaviour is not FAIR on you and puts you in a difficult situation. I say again there is no moral obligation here, he is ut of line and he probably knows it
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (24 April 2018):
While it's good to be nice, it's not that good to be naive! People around you warned you about him for a reason. You can plead his case all you want and say that he's an immigrant and it must be terrifying for him without a support system, but keep a few things in mind. First of all, no one, at least no grown man with adult children is that helpless that he needs to rely on a young girl for help. Secondly, if it's that terrifying and isolating for him then why doesn't he just go back to where he came from? Or to a country which is more sympathetic of him?OP stop being foolish. It's great that you're helping people and that you're optimistic about the goodness in people. Always have that feeling in you. Yet, don't forget the times that you're living in. The man is making you uncomfortable because he's being, for the lack of a better word, creepy. Maybe let's give him the benefit of doubt and say that his intentions aren't wrong. Still, how can he not have any concept of boundaries? Just because you've made yourself available doesn't mean that you're at his beck and call. And if he doesn't understand that then you have to explain that to him. Set your boundaries. You're a teacher. Your job ends when the class ends. You're not here for social service because as you can clearly see, when you're trying to do something that goes beyond your duty, things are getting out of hand. You haven't said what he's asking you for but whatever it is, tell him clearly that you're not the right person to help him out. Don't reply to his messages and when you do reply to the occasional one, tell him that while you did offer to help, you can't anymore because you're busy with other things. Tell him what you've told us, that you're not the right person to help him and his frequent calls are starting to disturb you. Change your number is possible or just block him. No need to be apologetic. No one is ever that helpless. He's smarter than you think... He landed in the US, learnt the language and is doing just fine. Why is he alone here by the way? Where's his family?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2018): It can be very easy for kind and giving people to be taken advantage of - I know this through experience.One of the toughest things to learn is boundaries and how to set them BEFORE this kind of situation kicks in rather than after; it's always much harder to assert boundaries retrospectively.I think one of the things you could do is talk to him about cultural differences and how to integrate socially. You could explain that if he behaves in such a needy way, without giving back to people, or by targeting one person (i.e., you) he will have great difficulty fitting into this culture that he needs to be part of. Emphasise that, like it or not, he is here to try to fit into a culture and social world and ask him how he thinks he could best do that - put the onus on him doing the thinking and the action involved in finding groups and so on for him to fit into. You could also contact the centre that he is involved in and express to them that there is a need for social integration that is not being fulfilled - and see if they can help or suggest anything. You don't have to do this as a complaint, just talk to them about ways to improve this part of the integration process.A step forward for him could be voluntary work - this could be emphasised as his way of showing his good intentions to the community. Another thing is to ask him how he is going to get involved in a group where he can become friends with other men and emphasise that, in your culture, same gender friendships are a way of feeling included. The point is to firmly and consistently demonstrate to him that you are not responsible for his thoughts and decisions but that he himself is - you can offer some support if he wants to ask for your opinion, but he has to learn to become more independent in forming his own life.I also do think - and I mean no offence here - that your Mum could be doing more to help you out of this situation, rather than just criticising the guy. Yes, he is over-stepping the mark in contacting you so much, but it doesn't mean cutting off from him unless he becomes dangerous. Your Mum could be talking to him about all of the stuff mentioned above, rather than leaving you to sort this out alone.I really think you need to contact the centre he is involved in and explain that he is putting a lot of pressure on you - you are not doing anything wrong, but he needs to know this is not acceptable - again, it doesn't have to be a complaint, but I know from my own experience that organisations like this can 'pass the buck' to individuals who are overly empathetic and overly kind, and this can cause problems for them.On your side, you could also research a bit into over-empathising and maybe get some insight into how you allowed yourself into this situation in the first place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2018): This man has no right to hassle or harrass you. This man is doing that and he knows it.You sound like you put others 1st and men KNOW when a woman is empathic like this, they KNOW that you wouldn't say 'boo to a goose.'I think you should listen to your mother, Mom does - most often - know best.This (and this is what he is, regardless of where he comes from) Man IS taking advantage of your good nature.You helped him once, you do not have to help him again. You are not obliged to be there at his beck and call, he is taking it way too far. This man has got you thinking all about him and he's loving that.I get the feeling that he sees you a little bit more than just a kindly and friendly human being. Like your mom said: "he is taking ADVANTAGE of your good nature" (it's worth repeating)...You need to man up yourself a bit, stop thinking that you need to be there anymore for him and stop letting the hassly harasser man (who's really gotten inside your head) take advantage of YOUR good nature. You know it's annoying you, so listen to that and act on it. Do not ignore how you are really feeling about this situation, it's bugging you so deal with it fairly and in a right way.Enjoy your teaching - teacher! You are not carpet, no one has a right to walk all over you!
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