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I never seem to make it past the dating part of the relationship!

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 July 2010) 4 Answers - (Newest, 8 July 2010)
A female United States age 36-40, *Lindy87 writes:

Dear aunties,

I never seem to make it past the dating part of the relationship, it never seems to become official. I know I'm not clingy, I show interest appropriately and I'm just picky enough to where I'm not settling.

I recently went on a date with this guy I met online and we both said it went amazing, but then he blows me off completely and I'm left confused. We spent 10 hours together and there were times when he or I could have come up with any excuse to end the date. At the end of the night he pulled me close and kissed me. He said "I better see you again" and i said "yeah, for sure" and he goes "I hope you're not just saying that. Lets plan on sometime next week"

well its now next week and he hasn't responded to two texts that I sent him, both texts were a couple days apart so i didn't seem to come across too eager. At first I thought he was just playing it cool, but I'm wrong. He's blowing me off.

this seems to happen all the time with me. before him I went on a date with this other guy and then after two dates, nothing. No contact.

I'm getting really sick of it and all I want is a guy I'm able to start a real relationship with.

I'm always the third/fifth wheel with my friends and all I want is to be happy with someone too. I am sick of getting my hopes up and getting them torn down.

please let me know why guys blow off girls who they supposedly had a great time with at first.

this last guy was the one who wanted a second date that never happened, he was the one to tell me how happy he was that our date was great and not awkward at all. I'm just super confused.

View related questions: met online, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010):

Good for you LLindy87. I hope things work out for you.

Dating is funny that way, when you really try hard and really want to find someone it's almost impossible. But when you decide to focus on other things and dating is no longer a priority someone always just seems to appear.

Who knows why that is? My guess is that there is just something irresistable about a person that is content with their life, going about their day happy and confident with who they are and where they are going.

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A female reader, LLindy87 United States +, writes (8 July 2010):

LLindy87 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

LLindy87 agony auntThanks for the responses. This does happen a lot, but I didn't write down every single time it did happen, just the last two times. But all your advice was helpful, thanks!

Cerberus, you helped me open up my eyes very much. I don't think I've always appeared needy, its been a much more recent thing for me. I think its because I moved into my own place and I didn't think it would get lonely living alone, but it does. Along with that, being as my friends are all in serious relationships I don't get to see them that much so that makes that worse too I think. I just spend a lot of time by myself lately.

Perhaps when my break is over, school summer break, which is only three weeks, and I get back into my routine and I will be able to focus on myself again some more.

I feel like I'm going to focus on who I am and the people in my life who already love me and whom I love. My family, my good friends, the family I nanny for, etc.

again, thank you everyone :).

btw, he did text me monday night but I think he's only dancing with the idea of seeing me again. I'm fine with that, but I learned my lesson about getting my hopes up. I don't want to become needy, or appear so.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010):

The two times you say this happened don't in my mind constitute 'all the time'.

You have to realize there may be tonnes of external factors in these guys lives that mean they can't see you again, a family member died, they have a girlfriend, they found someone else, they lost their phone, are too nervous etc etc.

It's best not to dwell on what their reasons are if you don't know and it's definitely not a reason to doubt yourself seriously it's not worth it, just accept that it happens and move on.

No offence but you sound desperate and in a big way too. You talk about "being the third/fifth wheel"

"getting really sick of it"

"I am sick of getting my hopes up and getting them torn down."

"all I want is a guy I'm able to start a real relationship with"

"all I want is to be happy with someone"

I hate to break it to you but that kind of attitude is the definition of 'needy'. That's a real turn off for guys too, perhaps you try your best not to show that you feel that way or you think you're not but this kind of attitude is as obvious as the nose on your face.

You need to learn to be casual about dating, the goal, at the beginning at least is to have the most fun possible with this new person without thinking too far ahead, no one wants to jump into a serious relationship straight away.

10 hours for a first date seems to be a bit much by the way, thats a lot of time to talk and get carried away with the tings you say and do. Short and sweet always worked for me, leaves the other person wanting more and if they don't, then who cares?

Dating is not a big deal so try and learn to make it a fun learning process, get rid of all this hopes and dreams crap that's a lot of pressure you're putting on yourself and the other person and frankly that's hard to live up to.

Last but not least, get used to rejection and don't take it to heart, it happens. Take pride in the fact you tried and move on to the next guy.

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (5 July 2010):

Odds agony auntIt sounds like you are not putting out on the first date. That's a good thing, so you're halfway there already. Giving it up on the first date is a guaranteed way of not getting a second one. Also, the good-nigth kiss means nothing; just because I guy goes for it does not mean he intends to call back.

Where do you meet these guys? Online dating sites and bars are full of guys who expect it on the first date, and who never have any intention of a second date. You should try meeting guys through your friends.

Without knowing what you do during these dates, it would be tough to say why they don't go for a second. I'll list a few of the things women have done to make me never call again, and some that have guaranteed I would, and you can pick and choose which ones apply to you.

I *never* call again if the woman: mentions an ex-boyfriend or date in any context, refuses to make even a token effort of paying her half of the check, talks constantly, expects me to do all the talking, displays baby-rabies, gossips about friends or celebrities, or doesn't make enough eye contact.

I nearly *always* call again if the woman: makes the first move to hold onto my hand or arm, pays half the check (or at least makes an effort to before I get it), tells me interesting stories and listens to my own, offers to cook for me for the second date, compliments me on my choice of venue, and actually *calls* instead of texting.

The cooking and texting bits are especially important. Still, even if you act perfectly, some guys just won't be interested in you (or maybe they met someone else). That's life, and though it can be frustrating, if you keep at it without getting bitter, you'll eventually succeed.

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