A
female
age
41-50,
*everKnow
writes:Recently with the past 2 months, my boyfriend of nine years and I ended our relationship. Our relationship had it’s good points, but overall was very toxic and tumultuous. He has a pre-teen daughter and myself an 11-year-old son. He’s been my son’s guardian and dad since we moved in together in 2009 as his biological father has never been in the picture. This title, I did not push into him. He’s great with children. Over the last month, my son and I moved out of his home. I wanted to keep things very civil and as calm as possibly during the transitional time exiting his home. He, however wanted to be the exact opposite. I’ll spare the details as this question is not about that. When things ended between us, he maintained that he wanted to continue the close relationship he had with my son. He wanted to continue to be his dad is what was specifically stated. I replied with saying I’d want nothing more than that and it made me happy because I knew how close they were. He saw my son daily and even more than his daughter who would only stay with us every other week. I broke the news to my son that we were moving out and encouraged my son to openly talk to his dad about the transition and about his worries. Via text and verbal conversation, I would hear my ex tell my son he shouldn’t worry and that he’s always welcome at home (his home) and he’s always going to be his dad. That calmed my son. It’s now been one month since us leaving his home. My ex allowed my son to come over upon his request on two occasions for a brief period because he and his daughter had ‘plans’ with other people. He allowed him to spend the night on one occassion because his daughter was over that week and my son wanted to see her, but my son had to ask. There is no mutual aspect in what this relationship between them is. My ex told my son he would give him a house key so that he could be there any day after school, which of course didn’t happen (we live fairly close). He communicates with my son when it’s convienent for his life. Very randomly and generic. When my son texts him, his responses are simply only that- to respond, but nothing more or genuine. A simple ‘hi’ or ‘sup man’. Two weeks ago he texted my son asking why he never talks to him and basically turned it into him saying the reason they don’t communicate is my 11-year-olds fault because he doesn’t initiate it. What?! Then he said via text ‘don’t worry, I still love you’ and then invited him over for a bowl of ice cream randomly. We were busy at that time, so he didn’t go, but my ex basically responded as if it was his loss. Now, when I pictured a father-son relationship as they’ve developed the past nine years, I never imagined it would turn so quickly (within weeks) into seeming like my son is just like a neighbor boy stopping for some ice cream. In the back of my head, I knew our relationship was always one-sided, but didn’t imagine he would place all of the responsibility onto a child to maintain communication or initiate the relationship. I know better and that isn’t the way it works. I thought I was doing the right thing and don’t know how to navigate this. I can’t speak to my ex about this because he doesn’t care about my opinions. The last time my son was at his home, he even spoke poorly of me yet again. In my mind, it would be like a divorce situation and he would still be a part of his life and family as was claimed. What are some thoughts on how to work this situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2018): [EDIT]:
"There is a grand separation at the root of all this; and changes are currently in-progress."
"Your first reaction is to find fault."
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (29 October 2018):
 I'm sorry this is happening to your son.
You ex made promises he wouldn't keep. Not at all uncommon, but that doesn't help your son.
Personally, I would have a sit down with your son and ask him if he wants to continue to have contact with his "dad" or not. But I would also let him know that HE is loved, and that YOU and his "dad" doesn't love him less because you two split. I would NOT talk smack about his "dad", but if you son wants to vent about his frustration I'd listen. And I'd make it PERFECTLY clear to your son, that communication in ANY kind of relationship/friendship isn't supposed to be one sided so your son needs to know that it's NOT entirely up to him to maintain the contact with "dad". "Dad" is the adult here.
I would also get your son involved in more group activities, such as sport. That way he will soon get other priorities than waiting for "dad" to get his head out of his ass and KEEP his promise.
Like N91 pointed out, that AT some point in time YOU might meet someone new, who can be a great match for you and a GREAT role-model for your son. So in that case I would not want the ex to feel like he has "rights" to your son, IF this is how he goes about keeping in contact.
You know your ex. You know your son. And while NOT having a male rolemodel in the house, the only dad he knows - you have to go with what you have. That is YOU and your son.
I think I would not encourage MY son to keep the contact up. Because it's already heading down an unhealthy way your ex is dealing with your son.
If you son seem to be taking this loss hard, I would perhaps consider some short term counseling. So he can talk about his feeling without worrying about how it might affect YOU.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2018): Everyone's feelings are raw and mixed at this point. There is a grand separation at the route of all this; and changes are currently in-progress. Reassuring words are expected of adults when children are involved in the situation; but it is very important that the adults don't let their conflict sully or contaminate relationships that are connected with the children.
You're the boy's mother, and your instinct is to protect your child. You are also a woman and a human-being; so your own emotions and prejudices come into play. You first reaction is to find fault.
For your own sake, or the boy's?
Your son has to get used to the disconnection and separation. Things are different now. There is no way either you, nor your ex; can make the children feel like everything is still the same. The truth is, things are not the same.
The bond is now strained and stressed between the boy and your ex; due to the recent changes. The boy is old enough to adjust to the circumstances, and draw his own conclusions. You see your ex exclusively through the eyes of your resentment; so far, the boy doesn't. If you don't overreact; things will settle and fall into place.
You and your son are no longer a part of your ex's household; therefore the rules will change, just as they do in a divorce. Meetings become scheduled; and access has to be planned, or by appointment. He was not officially-adopted; and your ex's relationship to your son is strictly voluntary. He also has a biological-daughter undergoing the same adjustments to this separation; so she may come first in his life. They may never be equals in his heart, that's just a fact of life.
I don't see much mention of your feelings about his daughter, to assert or stress my point here.
What are you doing to make her feel you're still there for her? Even if her mother is alive and in her life; aren't you still considered somewhat of her second-mother? Did you ever form a bond with her? Did you really try? Somehow, no mention of any misgivings on her part; one-way the other.
Let your son make some of his own decisions about this. He is old enough to deal with it.
Remember this. You didn't go out of your way to punish or make any demands on his biological-father. So there is an inconsistency here on your part. The menfolk will work this out.
If your son sees things have changed; he will grow more distant, or just get accustomed to the new separation of households. Children usually do; provided parents don't make it a matter of contention based on their failed-relationship. With no regard for the child's relationship with their parting parental-figure. Children learn to deal with these situations. Better than you think! Yes, they are traumatized by divorces and separations; but their resilience is astounding! Unless they have other behaviorial or developmental-issues.
He will toughen-up, adjust, and somehow find a way to make their redesigned relationship work for him, the daughter, and your ex. He will also realize that this man is not really his father; so his emotional-attachment will also adapt to the realities of the situation at-hand.
Don't push, force, or instigate. Reassure your son, protect him, but don't coddle him. He's too old for that. He can see with his own eyes; and think with his own brain.
If they somehow grow distant; he will just adapt to that, like he has adjusted to the fact his real father has nothing to do with him. Sad, but people learn how to work their way around these things; and still be happy and prosperous. Just as you will; while you adjust to your returned freedom and independence. He has you as his inspiration; and your love will more than compensate, just as it has while his father has been out of the picture.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (29 October 2018):
 I understand that your ex and your son bonded a lot over the course of your relationship, but it’s over now. It’s a shame and must of been upsetting for your son to lose that father figure in his life, but I also think it would be very confusing for him to continue seeing him.
What would happen further down the line when you meet someone else and then your son is introduced to the new guy? Then he is getting to know him whilst also trying to maintain a relationship with someone else who isn’t his biological father either?
I’m not sure if I’ve misunderstood here, are you saying that your ex has adopted your child? Or they just have a very close bond? I only started to question that after starting my answer.
Personally, I’d say the best course here is to just let the communication die out, I wouldn’t try to force anything but if either one of them wanted to see each other occasionally then I don’t think it would be the worst thing in the world but I also wouldn’t be actively trying to pursue it to keep the relationship between the two going. I think as time passes your son will get more used to it and understand that things are over and that your ex isn’t around anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2018): This is all new and some navigation maybe little if totally impossible here . I would sit my son down . He's 11 and I would say that you have noticed that dad is kinda all over the place at the minute and that is nothing to do with him . It's how adults who haven't done this react at times . That he needs to concentrate on himself and you need to concentrate on you both as your both a team and let dad do his own thing
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