A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay female and have been on a online dating an friendship website for years. I am honest, caring and genuine, and also quieter and non party, but enjoy conversation, honesty, kindness and good communication is essential to meI have had little success a in meeting friends or dates/rship and need some tips in improving my profile.I meet people for coffee (have met many women over the years and only a handful have contacted me again, I have dated 2 women there but that was short lived and ages ago ) and then 95% these women disappear after seeing what I look like or deciding we don't connect, they are meeting others who are better etc etcI'm pale, thinnish, tallish, feminine (and seek femme women) but am average looking and peple are turned off by my average looks and very pale skin, (I'm glow in the dark pale, and yes I wear a little make up but heavy make up is not really me!!) my looks and the fact I'm not totally out or super outgoing or that I dont have 20 best friends turn people off instantly..I try to be nice, ask questions etc etc, I'm not all ego or all me me me..How can I improve my profile? and what can I do to be me but not turn people off within 60 seconds of meeting..Ive not met anyone since feb this year..taken a break as I'm burned and sick of rejection..people judge way too muchpeple are so judgemetnla, even in meeting friends..
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 Bah- assuming that people are judgemental... isn'it a bit judgemental :) ?
I guess it's simply a matter of personal tastes . If I were a lesbian and met you for coffee, I'd be instantly attracted. I love pale skin ! Glow in the dark skin ? perfect ! Sexy! Chic ! ( Btw, I think you are hard on yourself. Tallish, thinnish, pale and feminine ? that sounds quite attractive )
But there's other people who like them tanned or bronzed or rosy-cheeked. What you want to do , sue them ? Haven't they any right to personal selective criteria ? Tastes are tastes , you just need to meet women who either do not have specific preferences in re. to skin tone, or actually prefer a pale lady.
Ditto for personality. If those people you met were looking for someone talkative , spunky, and outgoing - that wasn't you. Now, maybe if you had met working at the same office or volunteering at the same charity etc. yes, maybe they would have had the patience to let you come out of your shell at your own pace, and the curiosity to find out slowly what's under your quiet, reserved ways. But , the way Internet dating works, and it was conceived to work, it's to be a shortcut . It's more like placing your order at a McDonald 's drive-through than sitting at a restaurant , calmly perusing their huge ,long, extensive menu to see what's in there. People have something already in mind and they 'll see if you match their requirements, and this, yes, based often on a very superficial ( not necessarily judgemental : people are entitled to like what they like ) assessment. But, that's how the game works. Pros and cons . Internet dating puts you in touch with a much,much wider pool of people than you could ever meet on your own- but that's also why if you do not make a great impression in the first few minutes, they will not dig any deeper and will return to the wider pool for more options.
Time, and patience. It's a game of numbers. You have got to kiss a few frogs before etc.etc. I know that by now you feel disheartened by all the rejection, but, is it really a " rejection " ? Do you necessarily have to take it as such , or as a negative judgement about you ?...
The fact that you weren't what these ladies wanted has no reflection on you and does not have to mean that you are not " up to standard ".
If I go out to buy a bra, and at the shop they have finished the bras and they offer me panties which I turn down - it's not that bras are superior to panties , or that panties should feel ashamed of being panties,- it's just that atm I want and need a bra,- that's all.
Also, you not being totally out is a turn off ? Well, it figures. If you meet these people on a gay dating site, and not just a generic friendship one, it is probable that these women identify themselves sexually and socially as gay ; it's an important part of them. Plus, luckily, in Western societies you do not risk being killed or jailed or
beaten up for being gay, and there are laws against discrimination in the workplace etc. So, most people will be comfortable with being openly gay, and not so comfortable with dating someone who has to hide or keep a low profile. Now, I am sure that have your good reasons for not coming out- but inevitably that puts you at some disadvantage in terms of dating.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 First of all, I wouldn't necessarily call it judgemental to meet someone for a first date and determine that you are not compatible or attracted to the person. That's kind of the nature of online dating. You need to determine whether you click or not. And you certainly don't click with everyone you meet. And that's okay. It's not necessarily bad or judgemental. It just is what it is and it is kind of what you sign up for.
Second, a person with average looks can absolutely still get women. I am a gay female myself so I speak from experience. If you have a great personality and exude confidence, friendliness, and warmth, you will definitely get repeat dates. Without question. You say you are more on the quiet side and not super outgoing. That is something that can be worked on. Stand tall and confidently. Ask questions and look them in the eye when they speak. Smile! Be laid back and carefree. Make a woman laugh! Definitely make a woman laugh and you are good to go.
Third, you are selling yourself through a computer screen in order to get people's initial attention. So you have to word things in a way that makes people want to contact you or respond to you. Humor is always a good way I have found to peak people's interest. And not taking yourself too seriously. You can always put a light-hearted spin on just about anything. "Hey my name is (insert name), and I'm an accountant. Yes, I crunch numbers all day, so my job is absolutely riveting! I have two cats, so I'm basically one blink away from being a cat lady. I am more of a relaxed and down to earth person, and enjoy going for coffee and chatting rather than drinking and barfing. Would love to meet for friends or more! Feel free to message!" Just something simple, happy, goofy, and welcoming. And when you message someone you find interesting or attractive, be sure not to do the "hey there" line. Literally EVERYONE does that and it's sooooo boring. Make sure you read their profile and see what they are interested in. If you have similar interests, comment on it. "Hey I noticed that you play the guitar. How long have you been playing? I've been playing for 10 years. I'm practically Hendrix."
I have faith you can do this. Just gotta be confident and have faith in yourself and your personality. You have to know you're a catch. If you don't believe you are, people will pick up on that. Good luck.
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