A
male
age
26-29,
*rns96
writes:If you've read my other quetions, you should know exactly what's going on. I've found lately that my best friend has become a bit angry with me abiut my girlfriend, who he liked, but I didn't know. He doesn't say anything to me openly, but I think it's just because he's really nice and introverted. I KNOW what the problem is, I'm not going to pretend I don't to avoid confrontation. If it's hurting "JP" then I want to fix it immediately. I am very happy with "Dana", but I even went so far as to suggest breaking up with Dana to JP. He emphatically rejected that, insisting I stay with her. But even now that I knw what the problem is, I just can't figure out how to fix it. Help?My girlfriend is great, but for number of irrelevant reasons, our relationship is hanging on by a thread. Let's call her Dana, as I've been doing in my other questions. This guy "Frankie" started trouble with me a few days back. A fight is just dying to break out, but I've held back. Dana frowns upon brute force and brawn over brains. Despite our deteriorating relationship (beause of things things that were neither of us's fault) I still love her. I'd do anything to repair our relationship. But I've always been a "don't mess with me, I won't messwith u" guy. Frankie is messing with me, but I feel like if I fight him, it'll be the last straw for Dana. She calls fighting immature but if defending urself and ur pride is immature, i have the mentality of a 5 y.o. I'm nit afraid tofight Frankie, i know i can wreck him, but Dana is the one holding me back. He keeps shoving me and disrespecting me. I shove bac, and get nasty, but i know he'll keep going until i just deck him. do i trade Dana for pride, or the other way around?
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male
reader, jrns96 +, writes (13 December 2010):
jrns96 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you, all of you for the advice. all of u suggested things along the same lines so u must be right :] fpr the record tho, its not so much i cant control myself, its just that my istinct is to lash out, verbally, physically, at a guy who has done it to me first. its not that i cant reign it in, but that a lot of times, i dont wamt to. maybe that comes from being raised in a rough neighborhood, then moving to this nicer one. in my old town, fighting wasnt a matter of controlling urself. it was more a matter of getting by since everybody seemed to want a piece of u, ya know? i'll keep what u said in mind. this website is genius :D
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 The other way around young fella. I know that we should not let others push us around, but violence is wrong and is not the answer to your problems. Is a fight really worth losing your girlfriend over? you need to act mature about this and be the bigger man, this guy frankie just wants you to start a fight with him so show him that you are the bigger man and just completely ignore him, if he pushes you or says anything just completely blank him. Believe me this will anoy him sooooo much more. Goodluck.
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A
male
reader, Tizzie0612 +, writes (13 December 2010):
 well it sounds simple. if you want to keep your girl then dont fight. Sometimes battles are won by not fighting and you have to swallow your pride sometimes in order save the good things in life. As far as JP just let him get use to it. I mean you didnt know and he insisted yall stay together most likely because its too late so just let that be and trust that situation will smooth out over time.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 In ancient time, men were awarded for being the physically strongest to protect their family and their tribes. They were applauded for killing an opponent. Nowadays we have to be civilized. We are denatured but to say it in a more positive way, we are more evolved to tame our beastly instincts and use a more reasonable, logical ways to handle conflict. When you said Frankie was messing with you, I assume he said something to insult you and you reacted and said something back, so he shoved you. If he just shoved you out of nowhere for the fun of it, that would be called bullying and the best way to deal with bullies is to involve school official's help. Nasty words came out of his mouth, but you don't have to attach your identity to whatever he said about you. He has the freedom to say anything he wants and you have the freedom to disagree, and walk out. What Frankie was insulting is only a form, and not the real essence of you. His words don't hold any weight. It's just nonsense gibberish. I honestly think that defending your pride means accepting there are rotten people everywhere and it's not your job to change their ways of thinking. It also means you stick to your own belief of who you are and allow that there are people who don't like you and if they don't like you, they can go away.
Dana is not a person to be traded for friendship, possessed, or to sacrifice your pride for. As a girl I would really respect you more if you can really control yourself, not for me, just for yourself and your peace of mind. The decision not to fight back is not weakness. Quite the contrary, it's intelligence to me not to waste time dealing with petty people.
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A
male
reader, Dr Col  +, writes (13 December 2010):
Think about what you are saying and re-read your post..."mentality of a 5 year old." Regardless if "Dana" finds fighting immature or whether she was of the mind that it would make you more attractive, you need to have a look at the situation from an outsiders perspective. This "Frankie" guy does seem a bit of a shady character. You obviously have a very good friend in "JP" who would sacrifice his own personal happiness for you to continue your relationship with Dana. Look at the positive relationships that you have and look to build on these rather than potentially destroy them by reacting to Frankie. Think about it carefully. As a very wise person once said "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." Frankie is obviously jealous of what you have and sarchasm can very often have a more stabilising effect than physical violence. If he has a go at you again, just look him in the eye and say "very good" and walk away. He'll soon see you're not rising to the bait and will stop with the hassel.
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