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I need good advice on how to cope alone with 3 kids after my husband left me.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 June 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 19 January 2009)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've been married for 11years and now my husband left me for another woman. we have 3 children. we put in the divorce papers. I haven't worked for like 9 years. I have no income i have no job no one that can baby sit my kids for me to work he works with this girl he is now living with. he told me he will deny cheating on me and anything I will tell up on his reactions on our marriage. I recorded his conversations with this co-worker but by law I can't use it on him. he purchase all kinds of things for this girl and her kids, I believe she has 5 kids.

but he never both anything for his kids. he would always say that he has no money. I have receipts of what he purchase for this girl. and her kids. He begged me back for like few weeks so i took him back. but then I found out he is still seen her so I ask him to leave. I'm keeping the house but I have no income. I'm waiting to see if I can get child support.

He only picks up our children on Saturday's to take them to eat a burger and back to me in less then an hour. what can I do to fight my divorce and get child support? I know no one here in the town I live in. we move here because of my husband work. I barely know One of my neighbors. I live in a new born neighbor hood, all this houses are brand new homes. I need good and strong advice. I can't let him win his ways. he betrayed his marriage his family and home.

View related questions: co-worker, divorce, money

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A female reader, selesa Ireland +, writes (19 January 2009):

Hi darling, I really feel for you. I'm actually in the same situation with 3 kidz but i'm not married. First thing first, what are you entitled to? check that with your local community officer. Then all your agreements MUST be written by a legal representative : how much he will give you, how many times he will take the kidz, how much he will give for schools, clothing, Dr sympathy, this is about your life and your kidz. Then he cannot make it when it s his "turn" to mind them,babysitter has to be in place or money exchange. Third: Do your cv and apply for work when the kidz are with him. Balance your income with what you will receive from him+social income, you can mind kidz durind the day, it will give extra money. If you don t have a qualification,do a course, short one to give confidence and apply for a good salary later.

Honey, there is no time for thinking with your heart. Your sense has to be alert and smart. It s about your future and your kidz future too. Look after yourself, go see a psychologist or someone you can talk too, it s hard to raise 3 little ones alone. Be strong, I m doing it you can do it too. Take care, xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008):

Hello I'm the who posted this. I just want to thank you

all for your advice and support. to the question asking about

my children age. my oldest he is 11yrs my middle girl is 4yrs and my youngest boy is 2yrs. I started looking for a job today so I pray God helps me with all my needs. I'll see what happen. I'll keep you posted. I really appreciate all of you. I sure will be back on here. thanks again. You can call me surviver girl for now LOL

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A female reader, Country Woman United Kingdom +, writes (10 June 2008):

Country Woman agony auntI have to say that you have received such excellent advice from the other 3 aunts that I can't really add much.

I do feel for what you are going through as it is never easy and when you have 3 children to cope with it is much harder.

How old are your children?

Your ex is just not worth bothering about and you shouldn't be made to not say anything about the fact that he cheated on you and the children and hooked up with the girlfriend and is now living with her and her 5 children. The girlfriend has obviously said don't involve me in your divorce but no woman in her right mind would keep quiet about this.

If your husband was stepping up to the plate and having your 3 children every fortnight for the weekend and paying you maintenance then perhaps you would be more inclined to negotiate with him but considering he is giving 1 WHOLE HOUR to his children I think it is totally pathetic.

Your children will learn about their father and so as you have already been advised you don't need to slag him off as he is doing a good enough job of that himself.

Children aren't stupid and my 3 nieces are testament to that, my sister and my ex brother-in-law split up when my youngest niece was about 3 and the twin girls were about 6 and they have worked out their father over the years. They may argue with their mum from time to time and they are now almost 19 the twins and 16 the youngest girl and they all have their own boyfriends but it is mum they speak to all the time if they are apart even for the day and they have a very good relationship together and that is a pat on the back to my sister. You know what being a mum is all about.

I had an almost 20 year relationship with my ex, never married and we have 1 daughter together but no matter what he doesn't stop paying attention to her or supporting her financially and that is what a real father is all about as does my ex brother-in-law.

You have all the advice you need for help in the USA so do take it and GET active. You will feel so much better once the ball is rolling with the divorce and part of the divorce settlement can be the visitation times. Normally it is every other weekend and times can be negotiated between you.

Believe me when your ex husband has to deal with 3 children on his own for even one weekend he will start to appreciate just what he has left you to deal with as the emotional strain and physical strain is a culture shock for a lot of men as they just don't always get involved and that is no slight on men but us women do a lot of the running around with our children, even doctors or dentist appointments and after school clubs.

Remember to have fun with your children as well but also have at least 1 hour a day for you which is either sitting watching TV for an hour or spending time reading or having a bath when the children are in bed something to revive you each day and give you more strength to cope.

Light is at the end of the tunnel and we all do come out the other side, only YOU know whether you want to stay where you are and if the children are happy in school then stay put, however if you want to be close to your family then move but be mindful that if it is a long way away your ex may have problems taking care of the children on a regular basis and he needs to do this for the sake of the children and also as his parental responsiblity.

Take care and here anytime as all of us are.

Thinking of you, keep smiling and it will get better honest.


Country Woman


Big hug too!!!

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A female reader, spirited United States +, writes (10 June 2008):

The pieces of advice below are both excellent. Legally and financially: seek out Legal Aide and WIC which is help for single mothers. A Legal Aide attorney will help you make decisions about your home and your divorce proceedings.

If the divorce goes as you say and you get the house... SELL IT. Get that money and move somewhere where you are close to family. You need all the support you can get and you definitely don't need the added pressure of being around your EX and his new plaything.

In the mean time, talk to your neighbors, look for work, maybe your neighbors will help you out and care for your kids a few hours while you look for work! You might like it so much, that you might actually want to stay in town regardless of who is nearby.

All I can say is right now there are 3 little people that need you, and YOU need you. Forget about him and his immaturity. Move on with you head held high and your priorities straight. You will get very far if you keep your children's best interests in mind, which you obviously have been doing.

Good luck and God Bless!

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A female reader, sarcy24 United Kingdom +, writes (10 June 2008):

sarcy24 agony auntTellulah has given you excellent advice. Get chatting to some of the other mums at school drop off /pick up time and you will soon forge new friends. Have a look and see if you could do any part time work in the area. It doesn't matter that you haven't worked for 9 years it will all soon come back to you and you obviously have computer skills or you wouldn't be on here now!

Personally I do not think a relationship will last with a woman with 5 kids, none of them being his. Too much pressure and financial struggle. I imagine this is a sex based thing but that will soon wear off. Make sure you talk to your neigbours and don't be ashamed to tell people about what has happened to you as I stupidly was as there is no shame to it. Try hard to be nice about your husband infront of the children as they will make their own mind up about him in their own good time.

I am not sure how it works fnancially in the USA but there must be some income support available so try your local council and look on the internet. Libraries are normally good places too.

I think your husband will soon be wending his way back to you so you need to think about what you will do when this happens. I was told statistically that 88% of relationships where the man leaves his wife for another woman fail, normally because it is a bit of fun for the other woman which dies a death as soon as she is washing his pants!! Chin up you will be fine - get out there and start making new friends - all the very best

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (10 June 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntHi,

Right OK! so you are in a new neighbor hood. Well thats good, because it means that there are other people that wont know anyone either. Are thier any clubs, that you could join. Like single parent family's or maybe some clubs for your children, that would get you out meeting different people.

Your husband needs to look after his own kids before he looks after someone elses, so you need to get that pointed out to him. See a solicitor. Here in the UK if you are on a low or no income, you would be entitled to some help. So try to find out exactly what help you can get. Go on-line if you can, there will be ton's of tips on there.

As for your husband and this other lady, well I hope the relationship can withstand the presure of 5 kids. My belief is that it probably wont. But then thats his problem.

Honey! I know that its easy for us all to tell you that it will get better. You probably feel at the moment that it never will. But it does!!! honestly in time.

Come on here every time you feel low and someone will talk to you. I have found that it has helped an awfull lot of people, including myself.

Just wanted to add, that it doesnt matter what your EX says he and his girlfriend will deny. You know the truth, and if he doesnt bother with his kids, he will be the looser in that as well. Kids are not stupid, they will remember being tossed aside. It will effect his relationship with them and they will have no respect for him.

You just carry on being an excellent Mum, and never act or say anything bitter about him, your children will learn for themselves.

Take care Honey


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