A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help.I'm a gay woman in a long term relationship with my partner. I love her and we have a future together. We have our arguments like all couples but we cope. Recently she was diagnosed with depression. Its been coming for sometime as I've noticed a change in her. When we got together (almost 2 years ago) she was a very confidant and dominant woman. We both are. That was part of the attraction. But the depression has really altered her. She's become mopey and spends all day in bed. I will support her thru this, that's not a question, because I want her better and back to her old self. But there are other things going on in my life which are really trying me because of this situation.I run my own company and one of the women who works with me is also gay. I brought her into the company because she matches the vision I have. She's a good 10 years older than me but we get on. She is undeniably an attractive woman and I am attracted to her but would never entertain thoughts of cheating. We both have partners and speak about them reguarly. I am not about to have an affair. However, recently there has been a very strong sexual attraction between us. Its little moments and it creeps up on us and it is torture. Its the looks and the way she speaks to me. She does things which may seem innocent to others but I know exactly what she means by them. She makes comments saying "That outfit looks nice". Then finishes it off when nobody else is listening with "your thighs look amazing in it". Stuff like that. Its hard to explain how intense the situation is but its at the point I feel like crying. I think she is a fantastic woman and want her in my company, but I cannot stop thinking about her. I have dreams where her and I go further. Never about sex, but she'll touch my arm or she'll say something. Its constant and I can't get it out of my head. I don't know if the attraction is because she is so similiar to the partner I feel I am losing thru her depression, but I know I don't want an affair and I don't want to leave my partner. This isn't just about sticking by her because of her depression, I do want a future with her too. I feel through my partners depression I've lost so much of our relationship. We used to go out to dinner a lot at nice restaurants and do things during the day when we were both off work.I need advice on how to stop this attraction. Although it has never been said between the woman at work and I, it has been implied that the attraction is mutual. I have thought maybe the way out is to break the silence and just to say to her I am attracted to her but I don't want this to go further. Take the wind out of its sails. Or is this too risky? I'm worried one night, I'll lose control of this.Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): This one is tough. I wouldn't say it to her because that could open up a can of worms and may lead to her pursuing you and a lot of "we shouldn't do this" kind of situations.
Two things here, you can't cheat and you can't afford to lose an employee with her skills by mixing business with pleasure.
OP the issue as I see it and it's the reason most women state that they cheat is she is giving something that is lacking in your current relationship. Now no matter how much you don't want to cheat or are convinced you're not going to all it takes is one single moment of weakness, a single touch when you are at your most vulnerable and all good intentions go out the window, you know how that works and you're already starting to feel your control slipping away aren't you? Your feelings are building and she's already starting to replace your partner as your source of affection.
First off OP you need to nip the colleague thing in the bud. Talk to her and tell her the attention she has given you is quite flattering but it's making you a bit uncomfortable and you don't want her getting the wrong idea, you value her as a great employee and in that sense you both need to keep things strictly professional. Don't mention attraction or feelings or anything like that. Close the door on her. Only then will the sexual tension subside to more comfortable levels.
The second part is you need to start taking a more pro-active approach to your partners depression. I suffered it years and staying in bed all day doesn't help, moping about is not fixing it it's only keeping her that way. It's time you took the bull by the horns and started slowly reintroducing dinner dates etc. Organize weekends away, set up some fun things to do and quite frankly don't take no for an answer. OP a person with depression will "gladly" just lie there and wallow and not do anything. You will support her as you said but depression doesn't give her a free pass to neglect your relationship. In my time suffering it, I still understood that my girlfriend had her needs and the things she needed from me were non-negotiable in the sense that they were the basis of our relationship and without them it would crumble. I could have stayed in all day for weeks without calling her or talking to her just feeling bad about myself but she wouldn't allow that because while my depressed state of mind had given up on me and as a consequence our relationship she wasn't going to sit back and let that happen so she organized nights out, called up for movies and chats, arranged to meet up for lunches, booked dinners, weekends away and told me after she'd already set these things up. I naturally got pissed a few times that she did so without consulting me and she just explained that she was going to stick by me and do everything she can to help me but that she needed me to stick by her too and she needed these things from me. She simply couldn't live her life without enjoying some good times and beautiful moments with me and she wasn't going to let my depression become the dominant factor in our relationship. So that's what we did, I wasn't always happy to be out doing that stuff but being around friends, socializing having nice meals and just having a life filled with beautiful moments and good things did wonders to pull me out of my depression. You can no longer let her wallow it's time you started introducing these things back into your relationship, tickets to gigs to bands she likes, sporting events, festivals it's time you dragged her kicking and screaming back into this things she used to love about life.
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