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I need advice! I'm young, married and unhappy!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Faded love, Long distance, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 May 2016) 11 Answers - (Newest, 25 May 2016)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi looking for advice. My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6. About two years ago I moved for work, we had talked it over and agreed he would move the rest of our stuff and then come join me in a month. However he ended up moving in with his mom and 9 months later he still wasn't moved over with me, come to find out he also had continued a relationship with another girl ( he had started it before I ever moved I later found out.) I ended up moving back to be with him. just several months ago we discussed the whole thing. I forgave him for it all, but lately I have been finding I am Falling out of love with him, I'm not really sexually attracted to him any more.

I never wanted a divorce and still really don't, we don't have kids, don't have a house, not much of anything to divide. My husband has always been a very negative person, always stressed and always grumpy. Even before we were married, ( we married when we were 19) he doesn't keep friends because they all say he is mean and negative. He's maybe a little verbally abusive, but has never been physically violent, I keep thinking maybe I'd be better off to find someone else. Someone whose up beat and make me feel like I am appreciated. I cook, clean, pay the bills, my husband works but doesn't do much of anything at home, I also keep books for his business. What should I do? I have talked with my husband multiple times and he will change for a couple weeks and then reverts back.

View related questions: divorce, violent

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (25 May 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntSweetie the point is you should not be mothering him, he should not be telling you that your not allowed male friends, if this was me I would feel suffocated. You are feeding him what he wants and this will only make him worse. Yes your talk was great and it may have sorted some stuff, but only for now, not long term, it was a talk nothing more. He does not trust you. He may want to be married to you, but he does not trust you and that is what is making him miserable and negative.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Okay, so to update I had a talk with my husband the other day telling him once again that I wasn't happy, here is why, what should we do, I'm thinking of leaving...nice calm rational talk. He clammed up and I said what I needed and went on my way with my daily routine.

Tonight he got home and wanted to spend time with me and cuddle and watch a movie. I told him we still needed to discuss some things. He actually had somewhat of a discussion with me. So I laid down some ground rules...

I WILL visit my family, go do activities that make me happy ( within reason) go make friends ( girls only, we can have his guy friends around only if my husband is around ( which has been our rule for some time.)) he will quit asking me if I am attracted to every guy around my age we pass in the car or in a store. I told him he can give me a little freedom and accept it or he can have an issue and that will lead to a trial separation.

We are also getting our own bank accounts. We will still have a joint account but will now seperate our bills as if we were roommates, he will have to have a little responsibility, he does not like this idea. But this will also allow me to save money where he can't spend it and will help me to balance my budget and get a feeling of how my financials may be if I do become single in the future.

I feel revived! I know there is a long rocky road ahead but he actually discussed this all with me BIG STEP!! He DOES NOT want a separation or divorce... he will convert back to his grumpy self at some point in time I am sure but at least now he knows my mind and if he has jealousy issues that he can't get over I will be finding my way out the door.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

BelleRose,

Thank you! I guess there are several reasons I am opting to stay...

Religion-divorce is wrong and It makes me feel guilty. I took a bow for better or worse ( just didn't know how much "worse" there would be)

Family and friends, their opinions...

My job and the place we live. Id be the one to move ( since his family all lives within a 20 mile radius... Like 30 some family members)

I'd let my bosses down. I care for our elderly neighbors and would let them down.

The fear of not knowing where I'd work, live, if leaving is a huge mistake etc. I always put a ton of thought into things before I act. It's a blessing and a curse. It has saved me from making stupid mistakes but also has stopped me from possibly making positive life-changing choices.

But mainly it's the guilt that isn't not the "right thing" to do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

CindyCares,

I have often thought this. I have bluntly asked him if he would be happier apart. I have also tried to explain to him that he may find someone else who can make him happier. He about breaks down in tears if I talk of leaving and tells me how much he loves me and needs me and then will be nicer and more positive for a couple weeks. But my thinking is, why did he not follow through if I mean that much to him? Why does he refuse to talk it make long term changes? I do mother him. I think I have created a monster. I do the taxes, cook, clean, do laundry, work 2 jobs, most of the debt is his alone. ( his credit card) if I ask him to do one simple grown up task I can guarantee it won't ever get done. He didn't have many friends in high school. He doesn't keep friends long term and usually his friendships end badly and abruptly. All of our past and current friends have made remarks on how negative and mean he is at one point or another. He tends to loose his temper with the dogs, cattle, really anything that doesn't do something completely perfectly his way. He's not a horrible person but he is so hard on himself that he makes everyone around him miserable. I have tried to talk him into separating but he wants nothing to do with that. He wants me to be his and no one elses. If he can't have me no one can, kinda thing.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (18 May 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt I feel mean for suggesting this, since apparently it has never crossed your mind, but remember, often an outsider, not being emotionally involved, sees certain aspects of a situation that the involved people can't see clearly. A bit like when you keep something printed TOO close to your eyes, it's right there but you cant see it, because you can't focus your sight properly.

So, haven't you thought that maybe if he is so grumpy and unhappy and negative is because, or *also* because, he does not want to be married, - he feels he is stuck in this marriage and does not know how to disentangle himself without making a big mess ? A bit like you after all, only that you say you still love him, although less than

before. But maybe he does not have your same strength of love to substain him, - and he stays for the wrong reasons, i.e. basically because staying it's easier and less complicated than leaving .

Again, not to be mean, but, well, he was supposed to join you after one month, then after NINE months he was still at mom, and eventually YOU had to go to him and not viceversa if you wanted to live together . Months during which he also found the time and the way to carry on a tryst. So maybe he wasn't that unhappy and depressed and down... people who are really unhappy with their life in general do not even have the wish and energy for fun and naughty escapades. He was happy enough to get himself a little something on the side .

Your husband may never have been a life-of-the-party type of man, ok, but what he did and he is doing has not got much to do with being vivacious or optimistic or whatnot; he was and is, simply pulling away energy from your relationship, and putting distance between you, sexual, emotional, mental distance, as when he refuses to share his feelings and listen to your concerns. He is not doing it into one fell swoop, but inching away, slowly and a bit passive- aggressively. Maybe he is in good faith (i.e. he is not being difficult and distant in the secret hope that YOU get tired and call it quits ), maybe he THINKS with his rational mind that he wants to stay married with you . But ... life is very simple under some aspects- people who want something, will do what it takes to get it. If they don't do it- they don't really want that something.

A man who puts his head under the pillow or under the blankets ,like a 3 y.o., when you try to talk about your relationship problems and how to improve things, is not a man that wanst to solve anything. He is telling you, not verbally but very expressively nonetheless, " I am not hearing you . I do not care about what you say. I can't be bothered ".

Personally, and of course I hope I am wrong, the wrongest I have ever been, I think he feels your marriage has run its course and he is so sad and negative because it weights around his neck, same as the debt and more. Why does he not just come out and say it then ? Aw, you know him. He is ( sorry ) a wuss. Did he come out and say , no I do not want to join you in the other city ? ... I bet that there was first one thing .. and then another... and pretty soon 9 months were gone. But he knows, and you know, and we know, that when there's a will there's a way. In everything. Particularly in love matters.

How does the crazy jealousy fits in then ? It fits very well, textbook-like. Jealousy is not about love, is about fear. He has been leaning on you so much, what with the cooking and cleaning and bookkeeping and budgeting and worrying about his moods ,- mothering him, in short, and he knows he will have trouble standing on his own two feet. You are not the only one who is afraid of what's out there in the dating jungle; particularly if , like your husband, so far you have not had to sweat it a lot to get affecton and validation and loyalty and acceptance, it has been handed to him on a silver plate. If he were single, he would have to fight and compete to have these things again, - probably he would also have to be brilliant and charming and smile :)- long faces aren't sexy. You can be sure, that, at some level, somehow, he realizes that himself very well.

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A female reader, BelleRose United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2016):

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

The way you have described him makes it sound like an abusive relationship, emotionally and verbally. He seems to have little respect for you, your future or your happiness. You have expressed an interest in buying a house, but he does not seem to share these same interests. He has few friends and decided to move in with his mother instead of his wife.

So I would like to ask you a pretty big question. Why do you not want to get a divorce? You have explained the reasons it would be simple and cheap materially, so why not? That is the real question you need to ask yourself. If the reason is because of what society, friends or people might think, then you are more important. If it is because you are scared of him, then there are organisations that can help. If it is because you are scared of being on your own, you sound like an incredible woman with dreams for your future. You are young and you can build a life for yourself with someone else or on your own.

If you do not choose a divorce, he needs to learn that his behaviour is not what one would expect from someone who loves you. Maybe talk to his mother?

Whatever path you choose is a testament to how strong you are and not giving up! But at the end of the day your health and happiness is most important, and while you do not have children you are in a position to put yourself first.

Good luck.

Love, BR xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I also wanted to add... I have talked with him about this multiple, multiple times. He can't have a serious talk about anything. He either goes silent, lashes out, or ( my fav... Not!) pouts, puts his face into a pillow or goes and lays face down on the bed with his head under the covers like a 3 yr old might. This is if I even try to TALK about anything serious. No yelling, no badgering, no accusing... Just tell him how I feel or ask him

How he feels.

I'm very goal oriented. I like to make future plans. Save for a home, I budget our money, and have almost got us completely out of debt. I don't buy much of anything. My husband has a bad habit of spending money without thinking but he is getting better.

However if I try to get him to plan anything with me he freezes up. He can't think about the future. He says once we get out of debt he will be happier

( through the budget he has still been able to buy a boat, and other stuff) but my thoughts are, if he isn't happy now, with or without money, what's going to change? If he can't see the best in our situation how is it going to change just because our bank account does? We live comfortably now, my thoughts are he will always be unhappy because he will want bigger and better things.

I feel like maybe he feels inadequate? I don't buy fancy stuff, I could easily have sex 3 times a day with him ( I know that is asking a little much from him lol) we don't have a fancy house, our vehicles aren't new. I wonder if he feels like he doesn't give me what I want or "deserve"??? Although I tell him all the time I love where we live, and I try to not complain when our vehicles have breakdowns, I do my best to try and tell him positive things, but he continues to be so negative. I am not a negative person, in high school I had the nickname smiley because I was always happy and smiling.

I don't know how to get him to be happier? I want so badly to help him become positive but I feel like no matter what I do or say he never changes and it has begun to wear on me more and more. How can you be happy with someone who hates himself???

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016):

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Janniepeg, your also exactly right. I don't want to "give up" I said I do and I meant it. But at the same time he seems to get more bi polar almost as the years go on.

I don't want to find my happiness in another, I just want to find my happiness and be with someone who let's me be me and do the things I like ( within reason of course) I don't drink much, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I try to be the best wife I can. I do prefer to be friends with guys over girls... I hunt and fish. But I have given up all male friend relationships ( as well as almost all of my female friend relationships) for my husbands jealousy sake. I feel so alone. I'm like a hermit because if I try to be social ( even go see a friend or family)he gets so jealous. I do still love him even though it's not as strong of a love. ( which I understand that the honey moon phase doesn't last and I was never expecting it to.) I'm afraid what if I separate myself from him only to find he was really the best match? I haven't been single since I was 17. I have never been out in the real dating world.

I've never been an over the top romantic. My parents were divorced when I was 11 and I watched them both go through horrible relationships of all kinds afterwards. My mom thankfully ended up with a great guy who I am so proud to call my step dad. However I guess I am so scared knowing there are some real weirdos out there. ( I did however get a weird vibe from all my moms bad bf and tell her so... She would shrug and go about her way only to later tell me I was so right.) I guess I am hoping I have ore sense then her lol.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016):

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BrownWolf,

You are very correct about the fact I have been completely sucked into his world and have none of my own. He has horrible jealousy issues. I can't go visit family without getting questioned. I don't feel I give him reasons to be insecure. If we drive by a semi-attractive man in the car even he will question me rather I think he is hot. And I do all I can to always make sure I never look at another man or talk to another man... I love to work out/run ect. But Everytime I start a new consistent work out schedule he gets really upset. He thinks I'm getting in shape because I want another man!!! I can't do right it seems. I explain that no I am doing this for me.... No one else. Me and if anything to look sexier for him. ( and I ALWAYS make sure to be there to cook him breakfast, dinner, pack a lunch etc.)

The more I try to brush off his bad mood and have a little bit of my own life ( within means) the more depressed and angry he gets. It always ends up in me quiting whatever it is and going back to just a housewife ( I also work and make half our income mind you) he seems happier if I go to work, come home and stay there. If I try to have more of a life than that he starts to get mad and jealous.

Now as far as the steak or salad, I'd probably pick the steak too lol but metaphorically, I am constantly trying to be sexy. Wearing outfits, etc. (he has a hard time keeping up with me sometimes...) then that makes him scared I will go find someone else... I don't know how to get it through his head I'm not going to run off and cheat. He was the one that was unfaithful!?!? I'm lost...

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (18 May 2016):

BrownWolf agony aunt

You cannot change a man...ever....but you can teach him how to behave. No man is going to go from Negative to happy over night, or simply because you are upset. In fact, we men get even more negative when someone is pressuring us to change.

So, you are in a negative mood because of his ways. He is already in a negative mood...how do you expect to get happy??

If someone is in a hole, and asking you to help them get out. Do you jump into the hole to get them out? Or do you stand at the top and put them out?

With your husband's mood and ways...you have jumped into the hole with him, and neither one of you knows how to get back out. This is where the real fight begins.

You are very good at cleaning, cooking, looking after the bills, and the business. What you fail to pay attention to, is yourself. You let yourself get dragged into your husband's world, get stuck fighting with him about HIS world, and forget you have one of your own. If you are to busy living his life, what happens to yours?? This is what caused your lack feelings for him...Why? You hate his world, and everything in it, because it's the only world you know now. Your world...happy, sexy, seductive...gone. You were not there to use it, so you lose it.

Forget your husbands world. Find yours, and start living in it. When you start being the woman you use to be, or a more sexy, seductive, woman than you use to be...watch what happens. :))) Many women forget to live their own life in the relationship, and start living their husband's life. Complaining about things in his world, trying to change things to the way they want it to be...the whole time, they are not living their own life.

When you got together, it was because you brought you, and he brought himself. Now you are all about him. He does not have to live his life or do anything in it, because you are living it for him, and doing it all for him. When you step back, and let him move, he will start being a man again. You cannot be the man and the woman...it will never work.

If you put a big bowl of salad, and a nice juicy steak, with mash potatoes and gravy in front of your husband. Which will he choose??? I bet the steak right? Because it is more appealing to him. So...Are you steak, mash potatoes and gravy? Or a bowl of salad?

When he does something right...you reward him with you (Steak). When he learns good man equals good time...hehehe. Teach...not preach. You have forgotten your womanly powers, your sexy and seductive ways to go play in a man's world. NO NO...If women only knew how to use those powers...we man would be in serious trouble.

Now...go cover yourself in mash potatoes and gravy...then tell him to do some work, and you are all his after :)))) Motivation :))))

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (18 May 2016):

janniepeg agony auntThere may be reasons you make yourself stay in this. You are hoping that he snaps out of his bad mood, and go back to where he was when he was a teenager. You worry that once you divorce, you realize people out there in the dating market are miserable just like him. You worry about the stigma being a divorcee, a much dreaded term. Welcome to the club.

You are hoping for advice to somehow magically change him so you don't have to start over again. You invested so many years to just give up and it feels like weakness to not try hard enough. I am sorry I think divorce is for the best. Living with a miserable person can affect your mood and make you age faster. I would tell you though, do not expect to find Mr. Sunshine right after your divorce. Depression in society is rampant, and it is a sign that the world has developed to a point that it does not encourage reproduction anymore. Doesn't mean there are no happy people in the world, but just be realistic. Dating is no longer finding happiness through another person, and getting pampered by your prince. It's more like, if you have happiness to share, that's good, but you can't count on others to make you happy.

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