A
male
age
30-35,
zip2k26
writes:My wife has told me that she wants to separate and get a divorce. This came after many years of emotional abuse from my bipolar disorder. This is now no longer a problem due to accepting Jesus back into my heart and medication. During our last fight, I spilled a secret of cheating on her 9 years ago. We have been only married for 3 years next month. We have a beautiful son together. She has pushed for me to get help for so long and I have never did anything about it until now. Now that the Lord has blessed me with the control of every ounce of my essence, I want so badly to work things out and make our marriage work. My urge to do this is so powerful and overwhelming. She has given up and refuses to believe anything I say and keeps pushing me to move out and move on. It does not make any sense why she has fought for me to be the person she has always known me to be only to give up when I become this person. All that I have done was wrong and I know this. I do not nor will I make any excuses for my actions. These things are now part of the past and bringing them out will only cause more pain. I will say that I have been changed by the mercy and grace of God. He is in control of my life now and I praise Him for saving me. I do not know what to do about my marriage. Should I keep trying or should I just walk away? I do not want to but I am slowly coming to face reality that she does not love me any longer. I love her more deeply now than I did 10 years ago. She states we would be better off as friends. She has been slowly been removing me from her life. Where it may be a common shelf ornament or a car front license plate. Through all of this, I have found myself as well as the love I have always had for her ....only to lose everything I have always cherished. What should I do? Can it be really over? Do I beg? Do I walk away? Why is she giving up when I finally do something? Why? Could time apart help? Would she take me back? I am so torn inside over this woman. I know without a shred of doubt that I love her. If I was on my death bed with only 5 seconds left to live and she came to my side before my end and told me that she loves me and has always felt this way, it would make the pain I feel inside over losing her worth it. I miss my wife. I just do not know what to do.
View related questions:
divorce, emotionally abusive, move on Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): Wow, I am feeling your pain, because I share the same situation. For the past three years I have been absent and distant from my wife while she tried to love me. Just recently (7 months) I began to seek help through counseling. I have made such huge strides but MY WIFE IS GONE. This can't be true because I'm healing myself and she is "numb". How can this be? Is there any possibility of getting just one more chance???The advice given to me is this - PRAY A LOT and keep improving yourself. PRAY A LOT. I can only hope and PRAY that my wife sees the improvements in me and then maybe she will try again. Women are strong people with tender hearts. I failed to hold her heart, hold her hand and touch her emotions. So PRAY A LOT for forgivness and keep up the good work.You are not the only one in this situation. We all feel your pain.Good Luck and God Bless.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 May 2008):
 With Faith In God
Out of the darkness and despair
You will find strength anew,
As long as you have faith in God
Within the heart of you.
Each new born day will be more bright,
You’ll find the sun shine through,
To dissipate the clouds of gloom
That have enveloped you.
Just as the day must follow night
And sunshine follows rain,
The faith in God that you possess
Will not have been in vain.
By,
Harold F. Mohn
“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.
We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.
We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.
We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.”
2 Corinthians 4:8–9
What gives the Christian this kind of resilience?
It’s right here in this passage: “never abandoned by God.”
Because his presence is ever with us, no matter what we go
through, it can never crush us. We have a hidden reserve of
strength that faith activates.
When we trust God’s presence with us, he shifts our
perspective from the present to the eternal (see verses 16–18).
Gaining this perspective is like improving bitter fruit with
a teaspoon of honey, transforming it into something you can swallow.
What lingers is the sweetness of a hope that strengthens
From
Today’schristianwomen.com
Keep your focus on God and be strong in your hopes and faith in Him.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): there is going to be alot of people who have all the advice, but until they walk in the shoes of this situation, they will never truely understand it. Until individuals are faced with situations personally, you will never no what a person would do in any situation. when going through an emotional battle with a loved one for whatever the reason, sometimes we base our decisions on what we feel, anger, fear, resentment or whatever, it causes us to make permenant decisons on what is only a temporary circumstance. Honestly there is no easy answer, we as christians believe that the person we mary will be our mate for life and we believe it is not the lord's will for divorce, that's why it hurts so bad inside. We pray and there seems to be no response we get discouraged and ask god where are you now. We wait, wer'e patient we try to talk, we plead our case, but ultimately I have learned my head tells me one thing, my heart tells me another. It's the biggest spiritual aswell as emotonal battle anyone could ever face.You get to a point where you wonder why?????? You hold on with every new day hoping today will be the day the sun will break through the clouds and life will be beautiful again, but it becomes another let down and once again your heart is crushed to what feels beyond compare. True if one could find and afford a good true christian counselor with biblical values to base there standards on that would be heaven , but they are far and in between. Sometimes just finding another couple to trust, confide and talk to can be very encouraging, but at some point for the sake of everyone's sanity and peace, decisions have to be made and be willing to move on. If my wife and I ever divorced just do to "we can't get along" I would never be involved with another because of my beliefs on divorce and remarriage. I know every situation is different, but there are guidlines for what is acceptable in the eyes of the lord and just because isn't one of them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): As a wife of a husband with bi-polar who has screamed at me, broken things, thrown me down, etc in fits of rage, I have to agree that at some point the victim of the abuser (because dealing with a bipolar person is dealing with a serious emotional abuser) gets so beat down by the whole situation that you just throw up your hands and say I have had enough. My husband comes back and apologizes, says he will get help, etc., but doesn't, so it is hard to believe anything that a bi-polar person says when they keep going back to their old ways. Your wife is probably in total disbelief that you have "fixed" your problems and also has been so drained by the emotional toll that she has become numb to it all. I am sorry to say that she may not ever believe you or want to take a chance of being in the same situation again. But only God and time will tell. Give her space and prove that you are taking care of yourself. I don't know if this is helpful, but it is truthful. I will say a prayer that you will be able to find your way back together.
...............................
A
female
reader, Light  +, writes (28 April 2008):
You must let go and let GOD - Leave it in God's hands, just let go..
If it was ment to be then it's yours, you know the old saying.....
Just remember that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....
What you do now has a great impact on how she thinks and feels........
Lets us know of your progress.
cheers
...............................
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (27 April 2008):
 Although it is great that you have accepted God into your life, your wife could see this new discovery as part of your bipolar. Congratulations about getting on medication, by the way, this is a big step. Perhaps if you gave your wife some space, prove your stability via medication and behavioral therapy (this teaches bipolar people how to recognize triggers, how sleep disturbance can trigger your cycles, how to manage stress, diet(getting enough omega3s), and many other things that are a very important part of bipolar maintenance. Medication alone is not a cure. When you are manic depressive, the people you are close to get very worn out and drained by the instability. It's not that they don't love you, it's just that they have to take a step back so they can remain sane and healthy. You are just setting yourself up for a fall if you think that all of the sudden by taking medication and finding God, you are in complete control. It just doesn't work like that, it's a process of learning to live life and handle problems in a different way than how you've been conditioned because of your chemical imbalance. I would read everything you can on the subject and be a friend to your wife, updating her on your progress, showing her how committed you are to your treatment, and I would ask her to hold off the divorce but remain separated during this. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): i believe that you may have caused her to much pain and you have pushed the love that she had for you away with the things that you have said and done to her. you are now feeling as she has for years but probably not as much actually as i bet she hasnt treated you like you have treated her.
...............................
A
female
reader, angy  +, writes (27 April 2008):
It sounds like she has supported you through thick and thin and the cheating which you kept from her for 9 years, effectively lying to her for 9 years has been a blow too much. Perhaps she now needs time to herself, to heal and you are going to have to accept that she is putting herself first for a change, afterall, she has spent years supporting you with your feelings, it can't have been easy, and its now her turn to take care of herself. She obviously has loved you to support you throughout your ordeals and maybe she will come back one day, who knows.I think you must let her be, but if you get the chance let her know how sorry you are and that it will never ever happen again, perhaps, given time she might decide to give you another chance if you can prove you can be different and are truly sorry. but otherwise respect her decisions, give her the space she needs and take care of yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (27 April 2008):
 How does she feel about you finding God?
Also, why does she seem to be in so much of a hurry to get a divorce? If you have changed so much, then surely the logic would be that separation and a rather more distant friendship is good for the moment - but divorce?
It seems odd to me that if she put up with your bipolar disorder for years - and that is not an easy thing to do for anyone - and she suddenly wants to break permanently with you now when it is under proper control. There has to be something more, and I think you need to find and understand what it is because there may lie the answer to your question.
May I also suggest that having so recently been able to control the bipolar disorder, you should take every possible step to ensure that you still have adequate support both medical and emotional. Extremes of emotion from problems with personal relationships are difficult to deal with at the best of times for those of us in the best of health.
...............................
|
