A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I miss my ex from time to time. We were together for 4 years.I have a gf and we are honest about everything. I feel bad for not telling her. We have been dating for 5 years.I never use to understand why people kept secrets between someone they love and trust, I feel like I am beginning to. What should I do?
View related questions:
miss my ex, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2016):
 How much is time to time? If you occasionally think about the old times that is okay, but if you are missing her daily then there is something wrong. I don't think telling your girlfriend is going to achieve anything. But you do need to think if it is your girlfriend you want to be with for the rest of your life or do you need to be on your own to let go off your past.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): Trust me, to tell your current girlfriend you miss your old one will not get you on her good side. You should only feel guilty if you are trying to contact your ex; and don't care enough for the woman you're currently with.
How could she ever trust you and believe committing to you was the right decision?
To tell someone who has taken a risk and given you their heart that your heart is somewhere else is insensitive, if not stupid. You'll create insecurity and will hurt her feelings.
Maybe you shouldn't have committed to a new relationship until you were completely over the old one. You can miss someone without talking about it, and no one really cares about your leftover feelings for your ex. Seriously!
If you told your current girlfriend you miss the old one, all she will hear is that you're not satisfied with her and would rather be with somebody else. If she told you she missed an old boyfriend, you'd claim it's okay; but in the back of your mind you'd wonder... why? If she ever does, you should.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2016): While you ponder on telling your gf you're thinking about your ex from time to time you should read this post on DC. It's the fall out from a woman reading a text message that her bf sent to another woman saying he missed her:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/a-text-from-another-woman-has-made-me.htmlBelieve me no-one tells their significant other they're thinking of someone else unless it's serious, otherwise why hurt them? Your gf will immediately see this as a red flag and start questioning your relationship. Just for the record I work with adults with learning difficulties and some of them will say what they think all the time. That's not honesty, it's regarded as a lack of social skills.Missing someone from your past from time to time is quite normal. I look back and feel nostalgic but I'd think very carefully before I told my husband I was thinking about someone else as I know the damage it would do.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): I'd like to disagree with the other aunts and uncles. Just my 2 cents.
If I were the girlfriend I would certainly want to know if my boyfriend was missing his ex. I expect complete honesty and I do the same with him. I would want to know why exactly he feels this way after all this while. Whether this is a recent development or whether it's always been this way. OK sure, I would give him hell for this, but I reiterate that I'd want to know all the same.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 October 2016):
 Nothing. It's not a secret you hide from her, if she asked you could tell her about it. But this is the type of thing where you have to ask yourself what would the point of telling her be? And what would the end result be? Yes, you would be able to "brag" about always being upfront and honest, but is this something you think she will want to know about?
I doubt this is something that will benefit her to know about, it will not benefit the relationship either. It might only benefit YOU, which would make telling her an act of selfishness, not honesty. As a rule, don't tell people unnecessary things that only serve to hurt them, no matter how "honest" you think it is.
Now, if she happens to ASK you about it, then give the honest answer. If it somehow comes up, sure, do tell. But unless asked, don't ever talk about your ex. It's a no-go in any relationship, and it has nothing to do with dishonesty or hiding things, it's about common courtesy.
Btw, EVERYONE can sometimes miss their ex, I am sure she does as well. Nothing unusual or alarming about that at all. You were with your ex for a reason, of course there were great things about her that you are bound to miss. And it ended for a reason, which is why you can miss her, and at the same time don't want a relationship with her. But your ex was a close friend of yours for a period in your life, and when we lose our friends we miss them. It's simple as that, and has nothing to do with lingering love or carrying a torch.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 October 2016):
 Nothing good can come from telling your GF.
But maybe you need to consider WHY you are missing the ex. Is it because your current relationship is lacking? Are you getting a little bored in the current relationship?
Can you pinpoint what EXACTLY it is that you miss about this ex-GF? Is it maybe a little fantasy on your behalf? Because obviously you and the ex-GF didn't work out, so maybe you are remembering her in a more positive light than she really "deserves". Or is she the "one" that got away?
You need to figure out what is going on. The ex-GF is NOT one of the two people in your relationship, so if something IS missing, ISN'T working you NEED to talk to the person who IS in the relationship, that be your current GF.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): It's not honest to overshare things it's selfish. What would you think her reaction would be to your missing your ex? "Oh honey how awful for you I'm so glad you shared that with me" or "So are you dumping me then?".
I'm long happily married and I've not shared a whole load of things with my husband nor him me. I know next to nothing about his sexual past nor do I know when he sees an attractive girl, when he fantasises about other women or when he gets crushes. All this he thankfully keeps from me as I do him.
If it's something from your past relationship or it's only in your head then your gf doesn't need to know. If you had some communication with your ex then that's different you should tell her. We all have a secret side to ourselves.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 October 2016):
 This isn't keeping a secret, so much as something that wouldn't benefit anyone to admit out loud.
You miss your ex - fine, that's normal, but is it enough to end your relationship? If you can't get over her yet, you're not ready to be with someone else, even if you have been with them for 5 years.
What is it about your ex that you miss and how often is "from time to time"?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 October 2016):
 Sometimes.... there's good reason to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!!! (Just ask Donald Trump when such times might be!!!!).......
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 October 2016):
 If you want to tell her for the purpose of building trust and connection, saying missing your ex isn't going to do that. It would do the opposite. If you are hoping for understanding, empathy like a platonic friend would do, that's not going to happen with your girlfriend. She might suspect you are not over her, or that if you had a chance with her, you would go back to her. Probably not, but she might also think you want what you can't have. I mean it's normal to miss people, just as much that people would move on and try not to think about exes. You are either happy with your girlfriend or not, so don't make it a bigger problem if it's not really a problem.
...............................
|
