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I miss her so much it hurts! Should I call her or should I wait to not ruin the work of getting over her?

Tagged as: Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 November 2007) 11 Answers - (Newest, 26 March 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, *ustaGuy writes:

Hey all

my original post is here:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-ex-has-been-giving-me-the-runaround.html

So i've now started a new job since uni graduation, I am living in a new location, new house with new people.

The thing is, I thought all this change would help me get over my ex, to some extent it has when I am busy at work I dont think about her. But throughout the day my thoughts drift to her. I wonder what she is doing, does she miss me or who is she with? Silly little things remind me of her and it does'nt take much to trigger thinking about her again. Its really draining, one minute i'll be happy and then for no reason i'll think of her and i'll feel down again.

Even though I know she was not what I fully wanted (if you didnt read my other post she was very on/off with me and would build me up to seemingly easily shred my heart to pieces again)I still really miss her and would love to speak to her again, even just to hear her voice would light my day! I'm continually fighting the urge to call her and its so hard, today is worse as i'm in the house alone and its still got the 'just moved in' empty feel. Would it hurt to call her? I dont even know what I want from her or why i would be calling! I guess I just miss her. Does she miss me? Think of me? We shared many happy times, she really opened up on issues that she confesses having a hard time even talking to her family about. Part of me is angry for what she did but part of me also misses her and does want her back. I'm afraid of getting hurt again though, but for the moment it seems worth it, just to see her face and hold her !!!!! So should i call or text, I've held on for 4 weeks do far so I dont want to undo what i've done!

View related questions: at work, moved in, my ex, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010):

Tis better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all?

I seriously question that.

I remember how I was and how I felt prior to the biggest thing that ever happened to me - my ex fiancé. My world was small, and consisted of little things that were harmless to me, if somewhat boring.

Despite all the love I had from her, despite the years of devotion we shared, I would take it all back if I could *just forget* this pain I feel - the knowledge that she had moved on and was in love again - barely 3 months after our separation. The knowledge that my world of me and her are like detergent bubbles on a plate after you have washed it – each bubble of my former world popping slowly away, and bringing me to my knees every tine I feel one go.

I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be this way. I would give it all back - all the memories, all that love and sharing, if only I could go back to who I was prior to her entering my life.

You all have these righteous and grand ideas about 'growing', 'moving on'. How do you grow from such an agony? What exactly entails this growing period? Struggling like a bug in honey until you manage to latch on to another relationship and hope to god that one doesn’t go from under you as well?

To all of those who are in real ‘this hurts so much I want to sleep and never wake up’ kind of pain – be honest with these people who sit perched no more than a relationship above the agony that you are currently in. Be honest with yourselves. Is what you are feeling now really worth it? Is it?

Before her, I was alone. But my world was not a painful place. This senseless agony from which there is no respite gives me nothing in return and saps everything as a consequence. She was not worth this pain.

Love, is not worth this pain.

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A male reader, akrasia Canada +, writes (1 August 2008):

Dear friend, I think you already know the answer to that question, and I know it's not easy. She left you for a reason and if she really wanted to connect with you in a way that would mend your heart she would.

You hurt b/c life is forcing you to grow and growth can hurt. you need to change your focus to building yourself up. Every thought word or action you focus on her drains you. You give but get nothing in return. Instead of obssessing over her, obsess over yourself. Get your power back. Take what you have and want and work with it.

Every little action you take for your own good slowly and surely strengthens you. Eat healthy, work out, get 8 hours sleep. Do what makes you feel good about yourself. Stay away from mind altering substances. And accept the pain knowing that you'll onw day be twice the man with twice the life for having turned this adversity into a boon for yourself.

Hanging on is slow and painful and never seems to end. I should know. I wasted five years hoping that my ex, who did love me (on some level) would come back. 99% of women who leave men do not return. Don't feed the fire of your pain by calling her; instead employ this passion to empower yourself. You'll be glad you did once you are over her. I promise.

There's a really good life coach- Fransisco Bujan- @ vitalcoaching .com. He has a program called "how to get over your ex." It is CHEAP. $19 and includes tons of info that will help you see this break up in a healthy empowering way. You can read the e-book; download videos; or listen on mp3.

Pep talks are great but what you need is a strategy and the ability to remain focused on a strategy and listening to him will do that for you. I bought it and it has helped me were i otherwise felt uncertain, stuck and confused.

Take care

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007):

Hang in there mate, i know exaclty how you feel, ive just broke up with my gf of 5 years (im 24) and its the hardest thing ive ever had to do. Shes just hooking up with a new fella at the moment. Its killing me, but try to hold on to the fact that she broke up with me for a reason. We are still in contact and its just making me worse... i cant cut her off quite yet but i know im going to have to do that. My advice to you would be not to do the thing i have and just keep off the contact. Let yourself be unhappy - you cant fight it. Bottom out and you'll come through the other end with a clear head. Best of luck pal

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A male reader, anon_e_mouse United Kingdom +, writes (23 November 2007):

anon_e_mouse agony auntMate, I'm feeling you. However, I was single for approx. 5 years between girlfriends and during that time my Dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly at just 51 (on Fathers' Day too!).

I never found anyone special during that time until I met my latest ex-girlfriend. I've just recently split and know what you mean... I was genuinely worried about her all the time and cared for her and wondered how she was coping. Still loved her. I missed the intimacy, cuddles and doing things together. I had someone to share my life and experiences with. Now I'm back to square one.

I gave her a ring and got complete closure. More from a slip of the tongue. I was surprised she answered and I wanted to know how she was doing. She said she misses me too. I told her I was surprised she seemed to be coping so well. She let slip during the conversation "you'll be ok, one day you'll meet someone else and you'll be able to move on" so I asked her if that's what she had done.

I suspect she had someone else on standby ready and waiting towards the end of our relationship then suddenly it all made sense. I confronted her and she didn't know what to say, after some silence she said I don't want to talk about it, panicked, and hung up (coward).

I did end it but always thought about her. Sort of wondered if I had made a terrible mistake. The advice here was so true. I knew it myself but I needed to tell it how it was and the comments I received confirmed it. I already knew I couldn't live my life like that but I needed to see it. Emotions cloud your judgement.

However, since I've learned about another man on the scene so quickly I'm so angry... Furious in fact. This anger has made it really easy to get over it what I feel is record time (especially considering it also opened up the grief I felt for losing my Dad).

I think it's perfectly normal to feel lonely and miss having someone around. Sounds to me this relationship of yours is OVER and you miss having SOMEONE there for you, not neccessarily her.

If I were you at the graduation I wouldn't go over and act all sorry and meek. Just accept its over and try and enjoy your day. Be happy you're free - I'd be tempted to put on a front. If she comes over cos you don't appear to care anymore just tell her you're over it and want to move on. If she doesn't come over don't go over to her.

You got plenty of time. Hell I'm 30 next year and I'm still just a boy.

My advice to you is:

1) Get back in touch with all your mates

2) Get out and do things you want to do... Best place to find that special someone is doing something you're interested in and they're interested in.

3) Don't go looking for it... Lightning will strike when you least expect it (I met my first gf in a supermarket, and the 2nd in a dingy blokes pub - she was the sister of the bar manager and popped in and saw me and thunder struck us both - no not literally!).

4) Talk to a close mate or family about how you're feeling. My Mum and my Sister have been so supportive. I felt bad unloading my frustrations and issues on them but theyre happy to listen... They're family.

5) If you're feeling low or just want to get something off your chest write it here and listen to the replies. Remember though, at the end of the day it is your life though and you do what you want, it's your decision. You know your own life and the people in it better than we do.

6) If you feeling down about the whole thing. Don't dwell on the good things. Think about how wrong things were. What she did to hurt you... Or what she didn't do to hurt you. I've been working out as a way of letting out my frustration and anger and I've come on leaps and bounds. Don't bottle it up.

7) Destroy everything she gave you and lose those pictures. I found psychologically if I remove reminders to the good times, I won't "look back with rose tinted glases" and see it for what it really was.

Hang on in there. Lightning will strike when you least expect it. Get out there, use your free time to do what you want to do... I'm taking up martial arts again and looking into doing a cooking course (always wanted to learn to cook properly). Put yourself in places/situations where you'll meet new people and make new friends, broaden your horizons and you'll be fine.

... One last thing... You can always read this reply and I'm sure you'll be asleep by the time you get to the end of it :) Apologies for the long post people.

Andy

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A female reader, angelblueeyes United Kingdom +, writes (22 November 2007):

angelblueeyes agony auntHiya,

I know you must be feeling lost and empty right now but you need to stay strong you have already done 4 wks and as time goes by it will get easier,

You deserve to be happy and the on/off situation does not make you happy, If you keep going back to her how many more times are you going to allow her to do this to you?

Its just a case of staying strong and saying enough is enough,

Lu x

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (18 November 2007):

hlskitten agony auntIf you are going to be seeing each other in the future you never know what might happen. When i split from someone 4 months ago i never thought for a minute i would have anything to do with him again to be honest, but we get on great now. We went through some tough times after, of not speaking for a couple of months, being angry, then being mates and all turning out ok, so hang on in there.

Remember..What will be will be.

C xxxx

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A female reader, dearkelja United States +, writes (18 November 2007):

dearkelja agony auntHey Justaguy you've had 4 weeks of progress. I know what you are going through. You are going to have good days and bad days. You are going to burst out crying for no reason at all. You will be sad sometimes. This is all good. It's the healing process. You will be fine in good time.

Please do not contact your ex. I agree she is thinking about you. She most likely cares about how you are doing. If you call her you will have to begin the process again. It is likely she will only feel sorry for you if you call. You will make her feel guilty and she will look upon you as "pathetic." So don't go there. Hold your head up high and trudge along. Be happy for the good times. You said she wasn't exactally what you wanted. Use this time to jot down what that ideal woman would be. And then when you are ready, start to date. Date around and don't settle. Also, jot down the things that annoyed you about her and when you get the urge to make that call, pull out the paper.

Regarding seeing her at graduation. Hopefully you will be in a better state of mind. In time you will be able to be friendly with her but don't put your heart into it. Good luck to you.

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A female reader, Oblivia Sweden +, writes (17 November 2007):

Oblivia agony auntHi,

Be strong! I know how you feel and it is ok to miss her, but try to keep yourself from contacting her. How will you feel if she doesn't respond as you wish, doesn't respond at all, or if she would tell you she has a new boyfriend? Are you really ready for this just yet? Wait a little longer until you feel better off about this.

Good luck and take care of your good heart!

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A male reader, JustaGuy United Kingdom +, writes (17 November 2007):

JustaGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thanks anonymous and hlskitten.

I really wish i was'nt so hung up over this girl.

Its the togetherness and intamacy I miss, it takes me a long time to find a girl I like - it was 2.5 years between my ex and the girl before. I cant handle waiting that long again to find somone special! Its not like I dont try, I go out to bars etc but nothing ever comes of it. I fell head over hells for my ex and It hurts like hell to think i'll never lay next to her, watch tv together and do all the little things couples do.

Somthing I forgot to mention, she will be at my graduation (we went to the same uni) in a couple of months and no doubt I will bump into her there. What should I do there? all our parents will be there so we'll have to act civil, although I know i'll be torn between tearing her heart out and hugging her.

My mind is haunted by her, I picture her merrily carrying on with her life and not giving me a second thought, and after all I supposedly meant to her that hurts so bad.

thanks again anyway.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (17 November 2007):

hlskitten agony auntHi

She is sure gonna be thinking of you. But i wouldn't contact her. If its done and dusted you need to do the cold turkey. You have done well so far and it will get easier.

Make no mistake about her thnking of you though. She will be doing as much of that as you are no doubt.

Good luck.

C xxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007):

Don't call her. I just broke up with my ex about a month ago, and up until last week he was contacting me so much and it was so hard to get over him. I finally told him how much he hurt me and how much I hate him and that I won't forgive him and he will get what he deserves-which was a little over the top I know-but it's been a week since he has contacted me and I am very grateful for that. Everytime we talked again (after we broke up) all the past hurts just kept coming back into my head so I knew it was good for us to just have no contact whatsoever, at least for like a year or something. Time is the only way that you will get over it. Because, yeah, things constantly remind me of him, and I miss him at times too, but going back to him would just be the worst thing for me because he only brought me down. Funny how now he says that about me-but truth be told I was just becoming depressed because he was so emotionally abusive-anyone would have. It's best for you and me to keep our distance! Stay strong! Believe me, I know how hard it is to keep yourself from calling her, because I have a hard time not looking at his myspace to see what he is up to-believe me it doesn't help. Just last week I saw how he had all these new comments from new girls and it hurt like hell.

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