A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 25 and have been single for a year now. Two weeks ago, I met a guy at a party who works with a friend of mine. We hit it off and talked nonstop. Later that week we ended up going to another group event together and staying after everyone else left. We got drinks and food. He paid (I would never have expected that, but appreciated his offer) and walked me to my car. Since then, we exchanged numbers and have talked nonstop. He’s offered to help me move and we plan to workout together this week. He invited me to a concert with his friends in August. I haven’t had this kind of connection and chemistry with a good guy in quite some time. My concern is that about 2 months ago, he broke up with his girlfriend. He knew they wouldn’t work out in the long run, but wanted to give it a chance (she used drugs and had anger problems). He’s told me about this and I gave advice. We’ve both talked about past relationships, because he asked about mine. He swears that he is relieved the relationship is over, but feels bad for hurting her. To make matters worse, they work together. I guess it’s good that he was the one to end it, but I’m not sure if I’m his rebound or just a friend. I’ve been the rebound before and don’t want to do it again. However, I’d be fine just having him as friend too. What does it sound like this is?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here. Anonymous: I’m moving apartments to live closer to my job. My commute now is quite long. He dated that girl for about 5 months. Apparently the attraction was strong & he overlooked the red flags. I agree that I’m worth a dinner. However, since it was not a date and I had just met him, I didn’t expect him to pay.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I plan to just be his friend without expectation of anything else.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 July 2018):
 While I understand that two months is a short time and the break up is fresh, I still think only he knows when he emotionally left the relationship. I would take things slowly and get to know him. Don't rush in to anything in case you do get hurt. Get to know him more and hopefully you can see the signs if he is interested or not. But for now I would treat this as a friendship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): Be careful.A guy who got involved with a woman with a drug problem and anger issues raises alarm bells because he probably sensed in the first place that she had low self esteem and was vulnerable.He might be the kind of guy that intuitively hones in on 'low self value' women, knowing instinctively that he only has to do a few things to get them to fall for them.What struck me when I read your post was that you said you would never expect a man to pay for dinner for you. Why not? I mean, I too am all for being equal and whatever, but it doesn't mean that I have such low self esteem as to not believe I'm worth a man buying my dinner for me. Another thing that stuck out is when you said he offered to help you to move. Why are you moving? Moving home means you are (even minimally) uprooted and your sense of self is - for better or worse - a bit 'up in the air'. This makes you vulnerable - even in a small way. It's VERY easy for a charmer to step in and 'help' with something like this, especially if they ARE on the rebound. When anyone helps me now, I always inwardly figure out for myself how much effort it actually took them to help, so that I know how much effort I should return to them - for some people it is something like a phone call, for others it might be days, months or years of helping you in any number of ways. How much time did he spend helping you and what else did he have to put off / put on hold to do that? I've been in a similar situation before, when the guy acted like the absolutely perfect gentleman at a time when I was very vulnerable - apart from a couple of very tiny things that he said and did and which I forced myself to look at 'head on'. My attraction towards him was off the scale (and I think vice versa) but I am old enough now to have put my sensible head on and told myself "however wonderful this man seems, he could still be on the rebound from a failed marriage". I told myself that time would tell. I remained friendly with him and yet, over the longer term, he started behaving VERY immaturely and he very quickly had a short-lived fling with another woman who was very similar in looks and attributes. It may well be that he is simply a nice guy who is generous of heart and likes helping women and got out of his depth with the other woman. You don't say how long he was with her, and that will make a huge difference to how long it takes him to get that relationship out of his system. BUT you only have his side of the story. Be careful, don't rush into anything. Time will tell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): I advise to keep a platonic friendship with this guy for at least 6 months before starting a relationship with him.
He's not over his ex, and she is not over him. Things will get complicated and you will be hurt if they keep in contact. This will put a sour bote on your relationship... you don't want that. Trust me, I've been there. I still can't forget how he kept in contact with his ex behind my back. He eventually let go of the relationship, but that was a year later. I wish I had waited.
Good luck & remain friends!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): The risk that this IS a rebound-romance is very high.
It has only been two months; and nobody get's over a relationship that fast. If he has, I'd be worried if I were you! Even if he has, what about her? She's still going through emotional-withdrawal and detachment. There will be drama.
Slow your roll, girlfriend! You yourself sound like you're getting too attached, too fast. He's used to being a boyfriend; so he's well broken-in. Hold-back your feelings and observe.
If he's always checking his phone. If she suddenly shows-up out of nowhere; or he suddenly seems to cool-off, and become distant. If he frequently has to "take this call." They're still going through the aftermath of a fresh breakup.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 July 2018):
 I think if I were you, I'd go VERY slow here.
He might actually have "left" (at least mentally) his relationship a lot longer ago than 2 months but stayed with her because he felt sorry for her, just like he feels sorry for her now.
If she is STILL a big part of his life, I'd probably keep this platonic because no one needs 3 people in a relationship.
To me, though, it sounds like he is looking for a friend. So I'd stick to that. See where it takes you. If you start developing deeper feelings and he is still "hooked" on his ex, I'd back away.
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