A
female
age
41-50,
*atih
writes:hi AllI have just returned from a holiday in Germany with some friends who live their. While in Germany I met a Turkish fela the same age as me 34- he has lived in Germany apparently for 12 years or so and seems to be quite successfull in his job. We met on the autobann as my friend was hanging out a car window and passed him my busines card for fun- I That evening he phoned my number and came and met me with my firends and two of his turkish friends- we all had a good nights fun- but my Turkish boy seemed very serious in a nice way and could speak english fluently and german very fluently. He told me he worked to himself and that he had no girlfirend or wife. i supose I better speed the chat up- we went out three nights but I allways had my firends with me he never stayed and was allways very respectful and he never asked anything of me and infact scolded me when I paid for a shared bill with the group- on the third night we were chatting between ourselves and he told me his life in turkey and poverty and how his friend had married for a visa- he said he had met a German girl years ago and came and lived with her they broke up and then she married another turk then she left that Turk and then married my guy- and he admitted to being married but was unhappy with his wife and said that he wanted to keep in touch with me as he was leaving his wife. He told me who would not leave Garmany as he was 34 and well established here with his business and he felt he was to old to build a new life somewhere else- and financially he had money here to do as he wished. I was devasted at his news of a wife as he really did make an impression on me as a very intelligent- well educated and well mannered guy. I told him to leave. The next evening he rang me to meet him and I told him I was going to a wine festival- he turned up and I was chatting to a German guy my Turkish man was upsett but he did not shout and asked me if he was to late- I said yes and told him I was angry that he had a wife- he took me to one side nad said that because he had liked me he had told me the truth and that it just would have been easier for him to lie as I never would have found out- he said that his marriage was over he was leaving- he loved his daughter and that is what makes it hard- but he was desperatley unhappy- mean while the german guy appraered and put his arm around me- I told him I would be back in the bar in a minute- I stood on and talked to my turkish guy- and he said he was angry that I let that guy put his hand on my bum I said waist and then he said that he keeps his promises he came to look for me I was in a town an hour away from were we all were staying and he had looked for me for two hours- he said that he did not know the future and that he wanted to stay in touch by phone and that maybe in a month or two he would have moived out of the house and left the wife- I got angry and told him to go.Since I have been home I have thought about him a lot and how we chatted- I am well educated- I have a great job- I am not stupid but yet I have met someone- who was very intelligent and able to hold intertesting conversations and had a good insight into life and explained why some turkish men mary because of pverty and not to judge them- he also was different as he did not wish to leave Germany as he had established himself there. Should I let it go now and forget him but I just cant get him out of my head I did treat him very badly as I felt for his wife as who knows- is it lies- he has his visa, he is established why spend all his free time with me- he did not once do anything bad we only kissed and he never placed his hand where he shouldnt have just kissing and holding hands- confused and sad- please advise.I hurt his feelings and pride at the wine festival he may not want to speak to mePlease advise
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female
reader, Starlights +, writes (22 July 2009):
 it sounds like this turkish guy is really playing on your feelings.
on one hand i think walk away as it seems you have a cultural difference and then on the other i think in the end he did come honest with you.
if u do contact him u can apologise for your behavior and say u have met someone else and dont wish to pursue him any further.
this will get rid of your guilty feelings.
good luck
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (22 July 2009):
 I think you should forget about the Turkish man in Germany for a lot of reasons. You don't know him very well and you can only judge him on what you already know - he is married, perhaps separating (according to him) and not prepared to move anywhere else. He may well be leaving his marital relationship but do you want to be dragged into that messy situation? Probably not. Moreover, he lives in Germany and he may not have the sort of visa that allows him to freely travel (or settle) in other European countries such as the UK. He might be a nice man, or maybe not. However, the dual problem of distance between you and his uncertain marital situation means that you are better off finding someone else.
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