A
female
age
22-25,
ConfusedKat
writes:Not Sure If I Should Stay With My Husband...My husband and I have been married for a little over 3 years now. We met at a stressful point in my life and he was a strong support for me. We only dated for about 6 months before getting married. Before him, I thought I'd never get married and leaned more towards f/f relationships. I've never been a sexual creature, he is. I know he loves me so much and I fear that I only married for the security he gave and fear that I wouldn't find anyone else who could love me. I know i don't love him as much as he loves me, but leaving could break him. My family also thinks we won't work out and part of me wants to prove them wrong. I'm just so confused right now. Advice? Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, ConfusedKat +, writes (28 June 2007):
ConfusedKat is verified as being by the original poster of the question I'd like to thank everyone who has replied at this time. Isaac, thank you for your pov on my situation. I do recognize that pride is a weakness as you mentioned. Maybe I am looking for a sign to show me what is the right path. To give some more insight into my issue, i'd like to say that my family, including my husband, know that I dated mainly females before marriage. Some of my family is more supporting than others and i've dealt with that. My husband has assured me time and time again that he is okay with this, but asks every so often if he died would I date again and would it be male or female. I know everyone is insecure in relationships at some point. 30 years from now, part of me can see myself with him and kids, but again another says would I be truly happy? We argue like any couple, but sometimes he scares me with the intensity of his responses. There were a few times early on in our marriage when after/during a fight he threatened to leave and return to his former way of life, which wasn't completely legal. That scared me more than him leaving. I don't know why.
A
male
reader, isaaccelaya  +, writes (28 June 2007):
 Hi, I wrote yesterday anonymously but I thought today that there is no reason for that. I hope you are feeling better. This morning I thought about what I said yesterday and there is a few more words I want to add. I see this is really bothering you from just the little you wrote. I didn’t know what to say yesterday but here is some more. Just by your screen name ConfusedKat it looks like you started your account just for that specific question you asked yesterday. And by reading the content of your problem I see that you really are confused. Some times when people say things it is hard to express your self and say what you feel because a feeling is at times hard to put into word. For example yesterday you wrote that you leaned more towards f/f relationships then later wrote that you feared that you wouldn't find anyone else who could love you. You just contradicted your self but you did clarify with that you are confused. It sounds like you don’t know what you want. It appears as if you are looking for a sign, direction, or even a miracle. What ever it is you seek I trust you’ll find. Yesterday I wrote “continue to be patient for now” and I hope you are. What you are going thru is a serious matter and I want you to make the right choice with zero regrets down the road. I said I can just imagine what you are going thru because in the resent past I did. I am a male who has never been married so you may think how can I imagine, well I have imagined your situation in detail in every possible aspect I can think of as well as what possible consequences may come about. I’m sure that you have thought about much about it for you to place a question on this site, as well you may not have the comfort level to discuss this problem with your friends or family or they are not giving you the answer you are looking for. Although family are the most trusted people in many people’s lives they can also be the people you can least confide for a personal problem because you may feel that you have expectations you have to meet to them or don’t want to hurt them. Some times when you seek advice and don’t get the answer you are looking for use that feeling of the answer to your benefit. Let me explain: I think that the human mind can be misleading to your true self based on your whole life experience and on a way society have trained you to think in a subconscious level. Your feelings is what you are thinking in your heart and it is way to figure want. From what you wrote you do want to break away but it looks like you don’t want to be the bad person in the situation. I don’t know what you are thinking so I have to give you advice based on what I know so I apologize if I misunderstood. Although you are getting feelings of breaking up you need to take some dedicated time to yourself and reflect on what is really bothering you and be sure about it. I don’t know how long it will take. Think about everything because I would not want you to end your marriage and then one day say to yourself that you took things for granted and later retreat it. Once you figured out what you want put your energy in what you want and attract the situations and support of f/f and family that will get you there. Don’t worry about for what reasons you got together because it is in the past, it is your future that you need to focus on. (Where do you want to be 30 years from now?) You said he was a strong support in a stressful point in your life so guess what the situation is different but still stressful and lets see if he can still be a strong support. You need to have a talk about your feeling with him and be honest about it. Before you do know what you have to say and don’t overreact immediately with his response because he would be off guard and not be speaking from his true heart but fear (at long as he isn’t lying). Marriage is just not about what one person wants but you need to be a team. If you love him that is good but don’t think less of it because you say he loves you more, don’t compare for all people are different. I don’t know about your sex life since I don’t know what is going on but it is possible that you may not feel intimate with him due to unresolved issues or him not satisfying your needs, or maybe he is just a freak (I don’t know). If he is a freak that is a unfulfilled need he has and you need to compromise but if that is the only thing her cares for and dose not care about your needs there is a problem. At the moment you sound independent as if you don’t need him but just think 30 years down the road will you regret it. It is possible what you are going thru is just wanting to assure your self what you want and just a phase in your marriage but not who you are. I see one weakness in you. (PRIDE) Although people like to think pride is a strength and it is, but pride can also be a weakness. Some times you need to let your pride go but you need to recognize it your self and when you do then will you be strong. People make mistakes and it looks like your pride is holding you back, that is one of the reasons you are trying to prove your family wrong. Forget any embarrassment from your family or comment you think they may make but you will feel better at the end if you say you made a mistake and like I said your family will eventually come around and support you. You were vulnerable at the time you started dating but like I said that don’t matter now but how you want your future. Lets say you did married him for security and you don’t need it anymore is that the only thing? If you do break marriage follow flower girl’s advice. I am new to this site and don’t know every thing about it but if there is something I can help you with I want to, so please find a way to contact me. Still wishing you the best of luck, Isaac
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): I couldn’t help my self but I am stuck on your question. I don’t know how you feel but just imagine. I can’t help you but I wish I could. Life is a mystery sometimes. I just said a prayer for you. Let the heavens guide you. I don’t know what is in the website but I heard of web site called www.loveyourmarraige.com it can probably help bring out the best. Continue to be patient for now and I hope what ever the outcome you will be happy. Don’t worry so hard about your family, I don’t know how to deal with mine sometimes but at the end they are supportive and I’m sure that your family will too. You have my support in my heart whatever you decide. I don’t know what else to say. I currently have some confusion in my life and at times its life draining. I wish you the best!!!
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (26 June 2007):
 If you feel like you do not love your husband anymore then you have got to upfront and honest with him about how you feel, otherwise its not fair on him. You can't go through with this marriage with a fear that you might break him. Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, sure he will be upset but in the longer term he will thank you for not leading him on.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (26 June 2007):
 You are still young and should not stay in a marriage because you feel you have to, it's not fair on you or your husband and i'm sure your family would think better of you coming out and saying that it is not what you want rather than just trying to please them.
I would then take some time out for yourself and just enjoy life a little befroe getting into another relationship.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (26 June 2007):
 Don't stay with this guy just because you are scared of breaking him. That isn't fair on him. And don't start proving your family right just to stay with him as that isn't fair on the husband either. I am sure he would prefer you to be completely honest. You need to decide if you want to be with him, if you see your future with him. If you don't then its time to be honest and tell your husband you aren't happy.
xxxxxx
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