A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am friends with this girl and we were out together the other day, and I said a remark about a random stranger saying that she is fat, she doesn't need any more chocolate (because she was buying so many bags) and now my friend has had a go at me saying 'you are rude and inconsiderate'. This is NOT a serious thing to say and I have had a message sent to me basically pointing out my flaws and how I am not nice?!Is this positive from a friendship or down right rude? I am very upset because she knows I am an emotional person and I have taken these comments extremely seriously. I have never had someone say such honest things to me (There was more than just the comments thing) and I am shocked to hear it because it is extremely mean but is it positive?I am very upset because I trust her so much and have been genuinely crying over these comments. She has really knocked me down but I don't know what to feel, I need advice please. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mrspiggy +, writes (26 July 2015):
 You were very rude. You have no idea why that person was over weight yet thought you had the right to comment. As an emotional person id have hopped you know how hurtful hearing strangers say those things are.
Your friend was not only right to pull you up on your behavior but very brave too. She maybe shouldn't have told you those home truths, but maybe she though you needed to hear them. I think you owe her an apology.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2015): Imagine how the woman you criticized would have felt if she heard your comment. You not only insulted and degraded her, you offended your friend. Being harshly critical of the appearance of others is narcissistic, cruel, and conceited. Not that you are, but your comment was insensitive and unwarranted. It was rude as your friend most effectively pointed out.
You have learned a valuable lesson from someone who really cares about you, and she may have held back opinions of you for the sake of your feelings. You hit a sore nerve, apparently. Her point was to sensitize you to your verbalized degradation of a stranger; but perhaps she was a bit over-zealous in getting her point across. Most likely, someone she loves (or maybe herself in the past),is a person who has been ostracized and fat-shamed.
Treat others as you want to be treated. Keep mean remarks buried in your brain where they belong. Don't dish-out what you can't take. Think before you speak.
Tell your friend you get her point, but two wrongs don't make a right. She could have simply told you what you said was mean and insensitive. Hurting your feelings wasn't necessary. What makes her any better, if she turns around and does the same thing or worse?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 July 2015):
 Talk to your friend and tell her the same.
Bet you she will be glad to know that you actually gave it some thought.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou're all right I was really in the wrong and I will take all these comments on board. thanks
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A
female
reader, Aemita  +, writes (25 July 2015):
 Hey hun, let me just give you a healthy reality check, because trust me, you need it. But first let's just take a look at what you actually said. So from my understanding, it is OK for YOU to make snide remarks about random people that cross your path, and to be "funny" (probably that was funny for you, just making everyday conversation), but it's totally wrong from your FRIEND to take action and tell you when you crossed that very line? How is that even logical? I mean, sugar.. if you throw words around, be prepared to have them thrown back at you, one way or another. Frankly, I applaud your friend for doing quite so. And if I'd had to take a wild guess.. things like that and comments on that sorts have most likely have been piling and piling and piling....until your friend didn't see any other way, other than giving you a reality check. I really hope you DO realise that the things you've said are mean and inappropriate on so many levels. That's not the right attitude to have towards people. No matter how they look or behave. It's unacceptable for a young "lady" like yourself!!! UNACCEPTABLE! Your friend did you a great service by speaking up. And in no way, shape or form do YOU get to feel frustrated, sad, mad or "very upset" about it. Because unlike you, your friend had good reasons to make a comment on your behaviour. Take care and be more aware of just how much power words can have and just how much damage they can do. More so, when words are randomly and out of ignorance thrown (just like you did). I'd call that a lesson learned (maybe).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2015): You can't take your friend telling you your comment was rude (which is an understatement) because you think *that's* rude?! I'm sort, but your comment was out of line and, quite frankly, nasty. You have *no* idea why she weighs what she does and it's a massive negative blob on your character to be so cruel.She may be overweight because of pregnancy weight she couldn't lose, depression, eating disorder, health issues causing weight gain and/or limited exercise abilities. That chocolate could have been for her, or her family, or a party - you don't know and nastily judged a stranger you know nothing about.Was it supposed to be a joke? Most decent, mature people won't laugh at "fat jokes" any more. Not a joke, a statement? Why? Did it make you feel better? Was it to look clever in front of your friend? No? Then, why?Like others have said: if you can't take it, don't dish it out.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (24 July 2015):
 I agree with the others - if you can dish out comments like that, then you have to be able to take them too.
Verbalising nasty comments about other people is rude, and inconsiderate. Some people have weight issues, you don't know why, and to just assume it was down to chocolate was downright offensive. Perhaps the lady was on medication, or was ill? You don't know. Perhaps she knew full well she is not a size 6, and is very self conscious. Perhaps she hates the way she looks. Do you think hearing your comment would have made her feel fabulous?
Your friend rightly has pointed out that it is rude to make such comments, you are no longer in school, making bitchy comments about other girls. Behaviour like that is verging on bullying.
No one is perfect. You are not perfect.
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female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (24 July 2015):
 I don't mean to laugh but honestly?
How do you think that women you called fat felt?
The problem isn't her or your friend as your friend told you, it's you!!
Good on your friend for telling you off for it,that's a good mate. Not someone who insults random people for their own giggles or whatever, you weren't nice, you were told off for it. Grow up and deal with it!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (24 July 2015):
 Maybe you should reconsider making casual remarks about others. I happen to think your friend had a valid point calling you up on your own behaviour.Honesty works both ways.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 July 2015):
So it's OK for you to say comments about random strangers, but when a FRIEND points out that it's NOT a nice trait to do so, you get upset?
It really doesn't matter WHO you criticize friend or stranger, it's rude and no one asked for your opinion about how much chocolate some woman can buy or not.
Maybe you aren't aware that IT IS considered rude, obnoxious and inconsiderate to openly walk around and judge people around you. I would have though at your age you would have learned that little lesson already, as it is common sense.
WHAT good comes from your comment about a "fat" woman and "chocolate"? Did it make YOU feel better? Would you like it if someone felt a need to judge you for whatever flaws they see in you? A total stranger?
Come on now you are not 5 years old any more so pointing and laughing at "fat" people is no longer OK.
My guess is, your friend felt what you said was hugely out of line, and if say THAT about a stranger? What might come out of your mouth about a friend behind her back.
I think if anything she was trying to tell you (the same as I did with my answer) that HARPING, CRITICIZING, JUDGING friends or strangers is rude, immature and inconsiderate. That she was surprised that you, her friend, would stoop so low as to make fun of another human being.
So maybe... take to heart what she said? That she didn't SAY it to hurt you, but in hopes that you will LEARN TO be a little more respectful around people.
Maybe you need to start being a little bit more considerate to others? Even strangers?
Now I hope MY post didn't make you cry, because THAT was not the point. The point it... YOU are old enough to learn that EVERY action has a reaction and every action has consequences. Your friend called you out on your behavior, and I hope a part of you are actually listening to her, instead of being so focused on YOUR own feeling here.
You wouldn't crack jokes that lady with a prosthetic don't need to buy shoes, do you? So why is it OK to do so with a "fat" person?
Consider that.
Life isn't Mean Girls....
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (24 July 2015):
Do you comment negatively on the appearance of others often? That would bother me. I don't ever make fun of people because of the way they look. It IS mean, and if you do it frequently she may have gotten fed up with it.
Frankly I would have spoken up too, perhaps not quite as harshly, but she may have been holding it in if you regularly berate strangers because you don't like the way they look.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (24 July 2015):
Do you comment negatively on the appearance of others often? That would bother me. I don't ever make fun of people because of the way they look. It IS mean, and if you do it frequently she may have gotten fed up with it.
Frankly I would have spoken up too, perhaps not quite as harshly, but she may have been holding it in if you regularly berate strangers because you don't like the way they look.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (24 July 2015):
Do you comment negatively on the appearance of others often? That would bother me. I don't ever make fun of people because of the way they look. It IS mean, and if you do it frequently she may have gotten fed up with it.
Frankly I would have spoken up too, perhaps not quite as harshly, but she may have been holding it in if you regularly berate strangers because you don't like the way they look.
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