A
male
age
36-40,
*otSureWhat2Do
writes:I need help and advice. This is my first time posting on any advice site. I figured it would be best to get my thoughts down and see what other people have to say. Here it goes.....I have gotten back together with my ex girlfriend of 2 years. I have known her for 8 years total on and off. The longest relationship we had we lived together and raised her son together. The boy isn't mine but I love him just the same. We come from two different universes. I come from a stable family up raising and she comes from a broken home and it shows by her attitude. I have trouble connecting with her on an intellectual basis. She likes her E Television and Gossip mainly superficial things while I tend to be more serious person. I have always come down to her level and done the things she wanted to do but she just doesn't enjoy or want to do anything I want to do. I'm worried most of our relationship is physical and also based around raising her son. Lately she has been getting on my case for us not having sex enough lately. Granted we still do it once or twice a week but she claims I'm holding out. She even made the comment how her last relationship she was "getting it" much more and the guy was older then me. She then told me that she was thinking about going out and just getting some because of how frustrated I have made her lately.I don't know how to take this. A part of me thinks this is her way of letting me know something is truly wrong asking me to change. Another part is outraged that she would consider cheating on me because she hasn't been getting it enough lately. BTW she has a family relative that wasn't happy her with husbands lack of affection so the relative cheated and that got the point across to the husband. I'm worried she is thinking that this will get the point to me. I don't know what to do. I feel like an idiot because I initiated this relationship again, after I was the one who left it originally 2 years ago. I love her, she is a great mother, cook, takes care of our house and I love her for that. I can't connect to her intellectually like I have with previous girlfriends. I feel like I have to dull down to have conversations and its always me talking about my day. She never asks questions or has anything insightful to say.There's more but at least I got this off my chest. I just want to hear some replies from other people for a change, I don't have any people close enough to tell this personally to
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 August 2011):
 It is VERY difficult to be with someone who does not stimulate you intellectually. Sure there will be sexual chemistry, passion, heat and the love that you feel because she is a good mother and a good person, but what do you have beyond that? Are you fine with coming back home everyday to someone who cannot look beyond her insanely ordinary, mundane life and who has nothing good to say about yours'? Do you know why she never asks questions or has anything insightful to say? Because she can in no way relate to YOUR thoughts and she probably doesn't even understand or could even be bothered about what you have to say.
Dealing with this in the long run will be very difficult for you. You have tried to come down to her level to relate with her, but its already causing resentment within you and that's bound to happen. You will end up wondering what on earth are you doing with your life and why are you stuck in this rut?
Then there is the sex. She thinks she's not getting enough and has even contemplated going out and getting some. I mean, come on!! Can you even think on this level? You know, its not really her fault, because that's how she is. Look at the influences that have shaped her. The family relative and all that...I mean, is that your way of dealing with things? NO, right?
Look OP, there are huge differences between both of you.Now its a question of compromise. Either you continue the way you are, stop expecting intellectual stimulation from her, settle down to her ways and try and be happy by what makes her happy. Or you go separate ways and carve a life of your own, meet someone who fulfills you and have your own life. You are young and sensible and here you are, with this woman raising her child and trying to give her a good life...where are YOU in the picture? Maybe the fact that she is completely opposite of you attracted you to her, but now she is the one who's getting the best deal, a good upbringing for her son, a support for herself, but what do you get? Are you ok with this arrangement? You're doing a good thing by taking care of her and the child, but your own wishes and happiness are slipping away in the bargain.
Think about it. It is very difficult to settle down for something much lesser than what you deserve. And its not about a day or two, your whole life is at stake here. Dont make any more compromises, it will lead to tremendous unhappiness, resentment and even guilt later on. The more you continue with her and the older her child gets, the more difficult it will be for you to disentangle yourself from this situation.
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