A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneFirstly, I just want to say. Constructive advice only. I know lots of people on here like to give hard hitting "advice" however really that will not help me.I love my girlfriend very much, and she loves me. It is long distance and has been for a number of years. I have visited her twice and she has never visited me because its so expensive due to the currency where she lives.The problem is, she prioritises other things over me, mostly her work. because of the time difference we can not talk during the weeks as she finishes work too late, and at weekends she says she has to do the house work and see her family, so we only have a few hours to talk at weekends too. I know she loves me but she seems to take me for granted, we have spoken about it before and she gets very upset and promises to improve and she does for a week or so, then its back to the same routine. In the past she has had doubts about our relationship, told me she wasn't sure if she loved me and even said she had considered breaking up with me, however since then she changed a little and says she knows she loves me and wants to spend her life with me. She is very honest and I'm sure if she didn't feel that way she wouldn't say it, as she has always said what she felt in the past.I really love the girl, but I don't love the relationship. I am visiting her next week for 2 weeks and she hasn't asked for any time off at work, so I can probably only see her at weekends as she finishes her work at 10pm. she says she needs to work to earn the money she will need to do nice things with me at the weekends.so here is the situation, I WILL visit her next week, so don't tell me to not visit or anything like that, I am going as I have spent too much money on the flight and I have things I want to do whilst I am there anyway. Places I've always wanted to see. She lives 12 hours away on the plane, if you're wondering.I don't want to break up with her, as I love her and I want it to work, but it has become apparent to me that things are probably never going to improve unless I go and live there with her, which I am not prepared to do until she shows more commitment. When we are together, everything is perfect but I have to make do with tiny pieces of her time. When I visit I plan to have a face to face talk with her about our future and tell her how I feel about it, hoping she will make more of an effort in the future. So I had thought to visit, see how things are and if in a few months after returning things are the same again, then I feel I will have to end the relationship If there is no improvement. I don't want to hurt her, as I do love her and I want it to work out but if I feel it won't then I see no option. Does that seem reasonable to you?How should I go about breaking up with someone who I love when I know it will break her heart?Without telling me to "Not visit" or "break up with her now" or telling me I must like being hurt or doing some psychoanalysis of my mental state. I just want constructive advice on how to handle the situation going forward. Thanks!
View related questions:
at work, long distance, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 August 2014):
 You have already got good answers so I just want to add a couple of general considerations.
1) ) have you ever thought that she may be specular to you, i.e. she prefers not to invest more effort, time, feeling , committment in this LDR r/ship... until she is sure that it's not only a pipe dream and that you are actually willing and ABLE to move there ?
Could you even make it happen, if you wanted ? How ? Do you have a plan ?..
Example. Thailand is a 12 hours flight from UK, for instance. Supposing you wanted to move to Thailand, how would you go about it ? Gone are the days of just being a beach bum in Phuket ( if these times ever really existed ). Sorry if I sound patronizing, and maybe this is not your case at all, but I have to smile a little every time that our posters assume that just because a country is exotic... they do not have and enforce laws about immigration and foreign personnel. They do. Take Thailand, for instance, in fact their bureaucracy is rather complex, and finicky. You can apply for permanent resident after 3 years there with a Non Immigrant visa, and how do you get a Non Immigrant visa ?.. By being hired by a Thai company, or by investing a certain amount of bahts and opening a business ( long and complicated ). What can you do in Thailand ? Do you speak Thai ?. Do they recognize your study title / credentials / degrees / expertise ? Would a local company you hire you, and doing what ? haven't they got any law that says that before hiring a stranger they need to make sure there is not any local who wants the job ( I have no idea about this specific point, but it's possible, most countries do ).
Another thing : Thailand is good for retired UK people whose UK pensions get them more bangs fot their bucks ( or for their bahts )- but the opposite is not true. Suppose you decide to go back home after some years, even if you had saved from your Thai wages, they'd be worth peanuts in Uk.
You'll tell me: but I am not going to Thailand !, I am going to Ecuador, or Bolivia ! ( still a 12 hours flight ).
Same s..t . Just because a country is not an industrialized one, do not assume you can just come, go or stay as you please. Could you be there legally ( as still a single man ) and make a living if you moved ? Check first, including the fine print.
2 ) have you ever thought that maybe she is not taking you for granted, she is actually doing her best according to her local work practices , and family / social obligations ? Which may be different from yours, and that you haven't " read " correctly ?...
Like, hard to believe for someone living in laid back ( and unions-monitored ) UK, but maybe she CAN'T " take time off " work. The practice of taking personal days for , say , a vist from famiy or friends is just totally unknown in many countries. I have a friend whose son works in Singapore, and she too complains that when she goes there she only sees him at night, because he won't take time off. He just can't- he has a great job in a corporate environment and makes tons of money ( reason for which he is there, to begin with ) but this comes at a price for his personal life. It's a very competitive, driven , hard working environment with grueling hours, and nobody, but nobody including the hot shots , gets more than two weeks vacation a year, taken in installments of 2-3 days at the time too. There, it works like that. Like it or lump it.
Ditto for the times she needs ( and wants to ) spend with her family on her weekends. While in UK perhaps it may make sense for a girl to say : " sorry, family, I won't give you the time of the day on weekends because I have to spend it skyping with my virtual long distance bf that I have seen twice in a few years ", in a latin country ( back to Ecuador or Bolivia ) that's not just selfish or disrespectful, that sounds just insane : Family comes first- until there is not at least an official engagement,but probably even after. It would make sense that she does not want to alienate her family over a risky bet like you.
In short, I think that some troubles you are having at the end of it all may be coming from cultural, social differences- and from you not having spent enough time with her in person and learned to know her in depth , and WHY she does what she does,what's her world all about.
( That's why I do not believe much in LDRs, people can spend 12 hours a day telling each other I love you, I miss you, I adore you... without ever more than scratching the surface and getting to really know the other. That you can only do it spending lots of time with your SO in person- and even so, it takes time and patience and perceptivity ! )
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (11 August 2014):
 I've been on here long enough to know that when a person comes on here with a laundry list of what they do not want to hear from us, it is because they are terrified that what they know in their hearts to be true will be confirmed by the aunts. In your case, you already know, but your ego is holding on stubbornly and desperately to hope.
Here's the thing - there are only two ways that long distance relationships have a prayer of making it. One, because they started out local and one person has gone temporarily, like a soldier off to war or a high school student going to college for a set number of times with plans to return to a local environment, OR, a couple who started out long distance and has a concrete plan for exactly when and HOW they are to become local. You have neither of these things, and the fact that your relationship has gone on for a "couple years" in your words with no plans to make it local means that you don't really *have* a relationship as much as the fantasy of a relationship.
Of course meet her! But you need to change the direction of this relationship and make actual plans to be together because the "someday" and "one day" and "if things were different" doesn't cut it anymore.
You already know your course of action, and that's to break up if your meeting doesn't produce a fundamental and massive change in the direction of your relationship. You will have to do some hard and unpleasant confrontation among the lovemaking time you have. There's a bittersweet component to this. I think you know this.
Sometimes, even though the advice is tough to hear and bear, the truth is liberating. It's like pulling out a splinter from your hand. To hear it hurts, but it's better to bring things to crisis sooner rather than later, because your relationship can't continue as is, and you're afraid that if you press the issue, that it will end. There is a maturity in cutting your losses and knowing when it is time to let go. Do not let your ego interfere with that.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 August 2014):
 Maybe she's hesitating because she doesn't know if you would be successful in her country. She doesn't want to give you pressure, have you move in, then struggle and get frustrated there. You do this at your own risk. If you feel that in her country it is friendly, economical, there are no language barriers and finding a job like even teaching English is easy, then by no means go live there. Just don't go move there for a girl and then come back heart broken. It's hard for her to commit when she is not certain if you would be happy in a new country being away from your family and friends.
What you need might be some sense of fate, a strong love at first sight or something like that. When you think of that country you have a sense of deja vu. Like you are meant to live there, not just because that's the only way to avoid a heartbreak. If you feel marriage is what you have to do because it's the right thing then you would get resentful later. If the girl is shielding her heart then it won't break that much anyways. It's her choice to not commit to this and she can't blame you for being the bad guy.
12 hours away from UK. I thought about Hong Kong, Japan. But the currency and expenses being low there, then it could be one of those South American countries.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (10 August 2014):
 Most relationships, after "a number of years," go one of two ways. Either they progress to more concrete commitment (living together, marriage, etc.) or one or both partners feel their needs aren't being met, lose interest and go their separate ways. This is true even for relationships where distance is not an additional stressor. What you are feeling is quite natural, and I would imagine your partner feels similarly, as in general women tend to seek and value the feeling that their relationship is leading somewhere more permanent.
You two seem instead to be stuck at an impasse. As long as you live twelve hours apart by air your relationship can't reasonably hit the same milestones as a 'conventional' one might do. You've basically been stuck in the "going-on-dates-and-talking-on-the-phone" stage... for years and years and years. Small wonder neither of you is still feeling the butterflies - you have built a long-term relationship on tiny bits and pieces of fleeting contact.
Rather than try to push her into showing you more attention I would simply be honest with her about your feelings - that you love her and want it to work, that you are willing to move there to be with her but only if she also wants a future with you, as it would be a life-changing decision with a lot of risk for you. If she is enthusiastic about the idea, you have your answer. If she's hesitant, you also have your answer. If she does not share the same depth of feeling you do, this would probably be the point where she would admit as much - I doubt she will want you uprooting your current life for her if the relationship isn't something she takes seriously. Have this conversation in person so you can get the best possible read on her reaction.
Good luck and best wishes.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): If you don't want advice, why did you come to DC? You've asked what you should do, so are we censored to telling you only what you want to hear?
We deliver our advice as we please. We have freedom of speech here. You asked for opinion, and it will come unfettered and with your feelings at heart. I care, or I wouldn't have bothered to answer your post.
If an OP doesn't like it, that's their right. I have learned a lot by listening to advice in any way it comes.
I learn everyday from the other aunts and uncles, regardless of they style. You would only stand to benefit as well as I have.
If it's squeezed through a strainer, filtered, and sugar-coated, how effective is it? If you have a college education; don't tell me your professors always sweet-talked you through your lessons. Nor will we offer you opinions and advice in a condescending and spoon-fed manor.
You're an intelligent adult.
Long-distance relationships are tough no matter how you handle them. Distance between people constantly bears down on their feelings. It's stressful. It can be burdensome; because the mind wants to be free. It wants to be free of grief, stress, worry, and it demands peace and security.
Your girlfriend has given you many years of her life. She has tried to live according to your needs; but that gets hard and quite boring after time. You may love or not mind holding on; but you can't always hold other people to what you want and like.
In a sense, you hold her emotional-hostage, seeing you only once in awhile. Connected by devices, and you can't afford to travel the distance frequently enough to fulfill a healthy and viable relationship. Sometimes people need more my friend. Men are not quite as emotional as women; so she will never feel exactly the same about being committed through social media connection; and void of human-touch and intimacy. Without the warmth of physical affection.
If you censor her, as you started out by telling us how to advise you; that says a little about you. You want to hear what you want, and the way you want to hear it. That might be very tough for her to deal with. We take criticism from readers and insults. It helps us to grow as aunts and uncles. However; it doesn't change the fact sometimes we know better from education and experience. What we offer is to your benefit. Not always intended to slam an OP, it's to get you thinking; when the gears in your head move too slow or get stuck. You are feeling heart-break and frustration.
Your human-needs are not fulfilled.
Think about how much you really miss her. The times you could hold her in your arms, smell her sweet scent, and make love to her. She is denied all this, and you expect her to settle for your screen image, messages, and infrequent visits. Yet you call that love.
Sorry, but most people want a lot more than what you want to offer. That's why you're not enjoying the relationship. You need more too.
I wouldn't say you shouldn't visit her. I'm not going to tell you to end it either. I am only trying to tell you why you may not like the relationship. You want and deserve so much more. You just can't admit that this LDR is just taking it's toll on you. You wish you didn't have to travel so far, and worry about how she really feels on the other end. Your feelings are being stretched to beyond elasticity and pushed to the limit.
The thing about time and circumstance, is that it teaches us valuable lessons. We learn what is good for us, and what is not. You've learned that loving long-distance is bad for you. Eventually, logic and your sense of reason is going to override your "love," and it will make you do what is right to save you.
Love cannot survive on the small amount of nutrients you are feeding it. You feel so much, and receive so little. Either you have to move to where she is, or she has to come to you. I think she has made it clear she is staying put. So you're the one who has to live with that.
...............................
|
