New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login224617 questions, 976292 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

I love someone who doesn't love me and it hurts! Any tips to dealing with this?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 November 2006) 60 Answers - (Newest, 16 December 2012)
A female , anonymous writes:

I love someone who doesnt want me. It hurts so much.

I wake up thinking about him and cant seem to get him out of my head or heart. He told me he loved me then ignored me. He came back to me 2 months later and has repeated the same thing. I have reached the point now where i dont want a relationship with him anymore (as he messes with me too much), but i am still so crazy about him.

I dont understand why someone would say they love you, and ask you to move in with them and talk about marriage, but then instead of simply saying I dont want to go out with you anymore - he just ignores me. Twice now. After the first time when he came back i made him wait and work hard to gain my trust back and he has just thrown it back at me. Why on earth cant he just be honest with me instead of blanking me?

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, agonizing Canada +, writes (16 December 2012):

I hope you have resolved your issue, I write to one who may be facing this issue now, six years later.

I had this happen to me. He won't commit. Save yourself the agony and move on, love yourself enough to find someone who will love you enough to commit to a lifetime together. Do it now, before you entagle your emotions further.

I have been married to a wonderful man now for some time and I still think of the man who asked me to marry him and then dropped me... with pity. I love my life, my husband and my kids. There IS someone better out there for you.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, Haani Pakistan +, writes (29 March 2011):

Don't worry every thing gets better.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011):

becsuse he is a hater he does that to see your reaction and he will do it again because he thinks it is funny try looking at other guys around him get him jelsoue he will come crawling back it happens 99.9 percinte of the time plz take my advice and flert with OTHER guys not him ignore him he will get jelouse and come back to you

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, cupidus Canada +, writes (10 March 2011):

cupidus agony auntA lot of fine advice here!

When you love someone and they don't appear to be loving you!

How can someone love someone who is not reciprocating that love given? Is it addiction, loneliness, need, lust?

Or is it a genuine love?

If you can say to this person I love you and you never have to love me back that may sound masochistic but it may be genuine admiration, care, intention, or just simply there.

Then you just simply love them period. If you want it reciprocated you are saying I will only love you if you love me. Which sounds more conditional and satisfying basic needs and wants, then as a deeper devotion.

Which is the way most of us live, which is probably why the divorce rate is so high.

If someone is not showing you the affection you desire and you need this affection to be a happy life survivor than you may have to look elsewhere.

When you are talking about another's feelings, you can't read minds, you can only guess or ask and then you may never find the answers. So what do you do. You just DO.

If you go to work and say I love my job, do you do your job?

If you love your dog, kids etc do you just look at them and say

I love you? No you do it, you work, you play you ACT !!!

and that is LIFE. It's always in motion.

Love is always in motion, slow motion, fast motion, but it's always in ACTION. So I ask how do you love?

If someone is backing off and disappearing for whatever reason, it's an action, it may not be something that is comfortable, but neither is dirty diapers, writing exams, taking an interview.

In life love will hurt just like when your child says they hate you but love your cookies.

You still love your child, you can still do life. No matter how hard things get, people get, life gets, you still can DO IT.

Pain is just a calling to action, your choice your movement towards goals. But when you love someone you JUST DO.

No matter where their life takes them.

You may not end up with their love or their life on your doorstep, but you do end up being true to yourself.

Romantic love is a crazy business because it so often focused on the needs of ourselves rather than anothers.

It carries, expectations, stipulations, and preconceived images.

Don't stop loving because your needs are not met, you can love yourself and move forward and still love those you left behind.

If someone is afraid of getting hurt or getting too emotional and the partner feels they are being neglected because of this action, it should just be accepted, that is love. We don't go fishing in a cyclone, we wait, we chop wood and repair the nets for calmer waters. But we are in constant action and in life's mystery.

When we demand action we start wars in our souls, we can demand only of ourselves love freely from within. Then we know what shores to cast those nets into the seas, then we will know how to choose wisely and live freely with open hearts that have never said goodbye to love.

Also remember when we see love in someone else it is love we see in ourselves or lessons are souls are reaching for.

Time is our only ally or enemy. Use it wisely but never stop loving.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010):

I know how you feel. I am in love with a girl myself, but she doesn't return that feeling. She says I'm one of her best friends and I suppose that's true, but that's all. It is really tough. I find myself thinking her at least once every five minutes. I can't eat or sleep, find that I am losing weight and hair, and am constantly throwing up.

I suppose this doesn't really help any, but at least you know you aren't alone.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010):

maybe he's feeling insecure as it may seem weird but not all people arn't fully open to love.Maybe he's been hurt in the future and is having worrys that you may do the same.Don't make him work hard to gain your trust as that tends to scare guys off but instead be open with him and talk to him about what's going on between you guys.If that still dosn't work then as much as it may upset you maybe you should try and move on.Some realationships arent always meant to be.good luck.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010):

Here's you answer:

Men are driven by sex... Women are driven by love...

Certain types of men who are driven soley by sex will say they "love you" to get you to do whatever it is they want.

It's that simple. I know too. Here's signs:

1. He will text you how much he's been thinking about you... if you don't answer he'll call, then maybe come by unexpectedly. He may even weep (real tears).

2. He doesn't involve you with family and goes off on trips or out with freinds(without you)- BUT THEN texts you or leaves short voice messages about how much he wishes you were there...

3. He makes you feel sooooo good... He will send you flowers, take you out to dinner, look into your eyes, listen to your woes... EVERYTHING -- until you have sex... and then... NOTHING. He ignores you, tells you he's busy, and if you react he'll tell you dramatic, making you feel sooooo bad andlike something's wrong with you.

You spend your life on a rollercoaster. One minute feeling the heaven and the next asking yourself what did you do?

Well, you didn't do a frick'n thing...

----

Here's a really good sign on how to distinguish a USER from a NORMAL guy:

1. A USER cannot stand when you cry or get upset and tell you to stop the drama. A NORMAL guy will put his arm around you and try to comfort you.

2. A USER knows "just what to say" to get you to smile or think about him (which is what he wants). A NORMAL guy will stumble on words or say wrong things (because he's not practiced).

3. A USER is always "busy" with other things the day after sex... sometimes even the NEXT WEEK. The reason is it's not so much a physical release as a mental conquest.

A good guy will want to see you the day after sex, and the day after that.

4. When with a USER, he will give you flowers, sweet cards and fine dinners He will take you to cozy and private places and keep you from friends or public events... A NORMAL guy may not make you smile or laugh, but he will want to keep you safe from harm. He will want to tell the world you're his girl, and he will want you to commit TO HIM.

So take a really good look at THAT GUY that's been causing you SO MUCH pain and ask yourself, what is it you like about HIM? Chances are EVERYTHING you like between the two of you is BECAUSE of YOU, NOT HIM -- Even the SEX is good because of you!!!

So quit the madness and start giving yourself what it is you want. Peace of mind. It's tough to do I know. You want to latch onto someone but you can do it. Just know it usually takes 2 years to get over what going on in your head, and that is the thought that only he can make you happy.

To get out of that thinking start doing things by yourself. Go for a nightly walk, read a book, start a healthy diet... Have a movie/popcorn night all by yourself.

Just be prepared that when you ignore his texts he will try to call... Then come by. He may even cry (as mine would do repeatedly)

And sister, I pray you just ignore him. Because guys who are USERS prey upon women like us but you can overcome him.

I'm 48 and for 5 years was put through living hell by my USER guy but I am now on my own. I do things with my kids, and by myself. Tonight I even went rollerskating BY MYSELF... and I had FUN!

If I can do it - you can do it too!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010):

I am in the same situation we was together 4 5 years and he just kept playing games with me treated me like I meant nothin to him an looked for any excuse to argue so he could have weeks breaks. it got to the point that 2 weeks ago I tried to tell him how he made me feel. that he never wanted to come near me an that I felt worthless. he said am selfish to even say that an that's the way he is. I left an took a few of my things an he hasn't even tried to call me. the worst thing is iv just found out am pregnant an I don't think I can cope on my own, but I will. the point is, if he not thinking about you or crying over you and doing everythin in his power not to lose u, then he is clearly not worth your thoughts your tears or your efforts, and he will regret it wen he sees u happy getting on with your life. he will feel way he has made u feel like for so long, wat comes around goes around. x [mod note: Punctuation added for clarity]

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010):

Hi

I read your message and it's like I wrote it miself...

I think the problem is that we dont anderstand why they say I love you if they dont...cause most of the girls dont say it if they dont really feel it..

I've been in this situation since almost one year now....and I just started to ignore the guy.

he now pays attention to me cause he realise he cant have me anytime he wants now. Sometimes when he writes me that he miss me...I'd like to answer him that I miss him too and that yes I want to see him, but the minute I'll do it, he'll lost all his interest in me. Some guys just like to know they have that girl waiting for them somewhere...but do you really want to be that girl? And I know it's not easy to stop thinking about that guy...trust me I work with him every single days....

but try to change your mind....see friends...other guys...find an activity that you like instead of staying home hoping for a change that wont come...

I am now seeing someone else really nice. It helps, but I still have him in th3e back of my mind and it,s hard to love someone else. But hey...it's not the firts time a guy hurted us...and it wont be the last. We always survived and it helps us learn about what we really want from a man. Then we'll be ready when we'll meet a good one;)

Good luck!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, ktaylor77 United States +, writes (14 September 2010):

I love someone who doesnt want me.(My response)If you love someone who doesnt want you why do you want to be with someone who doesnt want you and why should even give this person the time of day in your thoughts, in your life, in your bed, on the phone?

It hurts so much.Y

(My response)Yes it hurts when you like or love someone and they don't feel the same way but theres nothing you can do about that is there. Its like you have wear size 6 shoes and the pair that you really like is a size 5 and the manufacturer did not make it in your size ever---what are you going to do about it, accept that you won't have that pair of shoes like accept that the person doesnt want you and move on. Why would you want to waste your time and energy, love and emotions on someone like that.

I wake up thinking about him

(My response) When you wake up thinking about this person what do you think about--do you fantasize the person you think he is why not think about the truth about this guy he cant be all that much if your a nice and decent person and he wont give you the time of time. I would think that you should think about how lucky you are that he doesnt show interest in you cause he would just be wasting your precious time. Think about something you love instead--why waste it on someone who doesnt want you...are you that much of a lover of rejection and abuse-- forget about wasting your thoughts on someone who could care less

. and cant seem to get him out of my head or heart

(My response)and why are you not letting go of him do you enjoy beating yourself up over and over again about something you have no control over. He told me he loved me then ignored me.Obviously he didnt really love you cause if he did he wouldnt ignore you he would have stayed with you. What excuse did he give you for leaving you in the first place? He came back to me 2 months later and has repeated the same thing-This guy is playing with you he is a user and knows exactly where he stands with you--you will take his crap and he can have his cake and eat it to. Knowing this is this how you want people to view you, as an easy target, not worth respect cause thats what you are making yourself out to look like---you should love and respect more than to allow someone to manipulate you this way which I hope you will start doing.

I have reached the point now where i dont want a relationship with him anymore (as he messes with me too much), but i am still so crazy about him.

(My response) You dont want him but you are still so crazy aobut him--what are you crazy about--crazy about his consistent rejection of you----crazy about him that he doesnt care to be with you---IKES get crazy about ice-cream or something man what you are saying is like you are crazy about poop--now poop is yuk and nothing inviting about it--would you eat, sleep, and drink poop like you eat sleep and drink this jerk?

I dont understand why someone would say they love you, and ask you to move in with them and talk about marriage, but then instead of simply saying I dont want to go out with you anymore - he just ignores me.

(My response)People do this cause they think they can and you are enabling them to continue on this way. People are not all Mr and Miss innocent--they lie, manipulate and do whatever to get what they want and they dont care what they have to do to get it.

Twice now. After the first time when he came back i made him wait and work hard to gain my trust back and he has just thrown it back at me. Why on earth cant he just be honest with me instead of blanking me?

(My response)Frankly hes just not an honest person and is using you. He has no interest in how you feel so instead why dont you gain some self respect and take an interest in how you feel and what you want out of life

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, ilovehim22 United States +, writes (31 July 2010):

I love this one boy and I told him how I felt and he said awah really i told him yes and he pretended like he felt the same when he didnt. When i see him i try not to look at him but its hard we go to school together so its going to be hard to ignore him. Ive been crying and missing him for 3 months now. I try to move on but its hard, We got in lots of fights but talked again but this one time it was for good i try to talk to him but he ignores me i really love him with all my heart it is making me cry right now posting this. He was so mean to me at times then was so sweet at times to. I would just like to know why he has to do this. I would do anything just to be with him again even though he hurts me, My friend tels me i need to move on he is a jerk and believe me i tried but i cant stop thinking about him. It seems like its killing me not talking to him. He is my everything even thought i may not be his, Can you please help me get him off my mind

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010):

Hey, I'm a guy, with same question (maybe problem) as you.. But for what I've learnd...JUST DUMP HIM!!! for crying out loud, life's more then some prick messing with your heart.. Believe me, there are thousands of nice guys out there, so find yourself a good one, and don't let your life being destroyed by someone who does not deserve your heart!! I hope this helps, because I just say the words my best friend told me, and it worked..I opened my eyes..

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2010):

Loving someone who doesnt feel the same way about you can be painful and sometimes irritation but the only thing that can heal your pain is time . This guy sounds like he messes with you too much , and theres no point having a relationship with someone who doesnt treat you with respect. Just ignore him and try not to show any interest , he'll either realise what he is missing , or he will ignore you too . Try not to think about him as much and in time you will move on and find someone else who is worthy of you.

hope this helped a little

xx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, ITURELYLOVEDHIM United States +, writes (21 April 2010):

First of you have to really understand that Love loves NO-ONE! Love can be so sweet and as you know love can seem so cold! When your dealing with a issue like you have came across you have to, what i call, squeeze all the blood cells out off your heart and instead of trying to push the void away welcome it because with out this my dear you will get hurt over and over again! Yes get over it by all mean but keep a lil hurt inside so one will never forget that love is real and you have to protect yourself and your queen of hearts! Never Never let a man see you sweat! He dont want you ...... Fine just remember to keep your head up shoulders back and that your a fucking lady and he couldnt handle you anyway! o................ and dont look back meaning turn the tables dont answer his calls and never go anywhere he goes! Believe me rejection is a mother..... if you got to fill it make him fill it to!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010):

I read some of the replies. I culd put $$$$ that your guy is cheating / flirting / spending time with someone else and he doesn't respect you. This crap about not knowing what they want and need a chase to treat you well is CRAP. Case in point you feel like CRAP because you deserve a f-ing call or attention if you are the person they are fond of, Hello! I say all this cause I've been there and go back lots UGH. Yup, got one now that keeps making me feel like my calls are a BIG interruption to his day, night, whatever. I sit back to see if he'll call when he'd got free cell time - guess what? No call. Do I trust the jerk, Uh no. But it's like we want to make sense of them telling us I love you, I want you to live with me, stop seeing anyone but me blah blah blah Then, you want 10 minutes of their time; some indication that you matter in some crumb way and all you get is feeling crumby. Therefore, I think I will take some of the advise I am giving here and tell you drop the jerk like the bad habit he is. He doesn't respect you when he doesn't call or otherwise ignores you. You think of him, you'd call him right? When the card of not knowing what a person wants is played understand that their hand is all laid out for you to see...if they really loved and wanted you and only you there would be NO DOUBT.

Now, for the 18 year old guy who has a crush on a girl who is running with the guys...yeah, he made a reply post here...is 18 legal age in your state? I'm wondering if you are really good looking. Sounds like your girl was never really really attracted to you, hmmmm. Obviously you don't appeal to that girl, but there's a whole lotta women out here. Not suggesting you run around, just saying you need to look around (just look, hands off) notice if the girl is attracted to you...does she love to jump in your arms when you show up at her place? Does she giggle, squirm, and her eyes sparkle when you carry on a conversation with her? Can she not stop kissing you? Please! You can't tell me a guy is gonna get tired of that except when he really doesn't care for a chick or he doesn't have respect for women only see them as opportunities of advantage until something else suits their fancy, at which time there won't be time for you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010):

He probably does love you. He just doesn't know how to express it. When he says "I love you", a nervous feeling goes through him and he cant say anything else...I'm like that...If that makes you feel any better! :)

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010):

you'll probably find that every woman reading this has experienced this kind of situation at some point in their lives,how long have you been with this guy? because believe it or not you might not be as in love as you think, love is a misleading emotion you have probably just formed an attachment to this guy, which is a hard thing to shake off i know.

You don't need the hassle! trust me you'll be better of without him,just let it go...or if you really feel that he is just confused and that you two could have a future with a bit of hard work then maybe not end it but take a BREAK. leave eachother alone for a little while so you can decide what you both want. give him a little bit of time to think, during this time he might realise what an idiot hes been and just how much you mean to him and if he doesnt at least you know it wasnt meant to be. let him go for a little while if he cares he'll be back-and hopefully a better person, a better BOYFRIEND. xxx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009):

The same exact thing happened to me! This guy asked me to move with his family to Las Vegas and tells me everyday he loves me and it's forever. But then he'll just ignore me! He's still doing it, and it hurts so much. He's ignored me all day today, which is not like him. He usually texts and calls throughout the day. But all day today...nothing.Why would someone do this? Someone please answerr, thank you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, live,love,laugh United Kingdom +, writes (22 December 2009):

Tips... hmmm... Firstly, you know 100% that he doesn't like you than more than a friend? If not ask him, if he likes you as a friend or anything more. (it may be hard but just take a deep breath and go for it) If his answer is 'as a friend'. Im afaid you will have to move on. There is nothing that you can do. Just go out there have fun and show him what he has missed out on!

Just go on.... enjoy!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009):

Who understands men!!! I've been married 13 years and I just now realize that he's been doing that to me "the chasing game" I thought it was just his personality to pay attention to me and then ignore me...so many tears later I'm ready to move on...I can't do this anymore...He's gotten to the point where he doesn't even care when he hurts me so what am I still doing here? The only reason why it has taken me so long it's because of our three kids that every time I talk to them about mommy and daddy not living together they just start crying and that breaks my heart and makes me put up with this crap...but I think I'm done...I just hope who ever is going through this doesn't take as long to realize that this is no life to live!!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, dudecool United States +, writes (26 May 2009):

This is the deal. They love the chase. It is a character flaw. When it comes to giving back they do not have the ABILITY to do it. They cannot do it!!! The ONLY thing to do is stay away. I know it is hard and relapse is a constant threat and will probably happen. Date and take one day at a time. Make a chart on your bathroom mirror. One month and then you can recontact if you choose. Mark each day off as you do. In general, each day will be easier, but not all the time. They are a drug. A drug that works sometimes, but not always. That is the most damaging kind to your psyche. The mind can't control the complusions. Do anything but contact them. ANYTHING!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009):

Very true.. All these guys.. dont know why cant they grow up.. cant they ever make up thier minds? i love this guy.. he loves me too.. he cried a lot in front of me yesterday.. but i dont know y he doesnt wanna admit it.. bloody cowards they are.. n now he is busy fucking another dame he met 5 months ago.. due to which we ended up crying,.. its impossible to understand them.. bloody they cant understand themselves.. how can we do tht.. i love him so terribly.. but i wont talk to him anymore..

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, heartbroken. Australia +, writes (18 May 2009):

I am in exactly the same position!

Its so awful. Ive been in love with this guy for over a year now, and once i even told him this, and he was fine with it, then last saturday i told him i loved him, and he said the same back, and that he loved me more and now, seeing him today, he's just completely ignored my existance!

I swear men should make up their minds, because all this is doing is hurting us girls.

I swear all the guys say we're complicated, its the men that are complicated! They cant even make up their minds on what they want.

Its so painful, bacause i still love him, and i know exaclty how you feel

It sucks balls!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, twinkle123 United States +, writes (15 April 2009):

girl, stop wasting time.... upgrdae and move on...

you gave this man too many times. When you

are in a relationship, you never, ever make them your

priority when you are just an option. i learned that thru experience, at least you didnt marry the bastard, I did!(lol) and currently going thru a divorce. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009):

i think you should just leave him allthough i no how hard it is as i like someone alot to! good luck:) xx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009):

Your looking for an answer as to what this person is thinking or doing, and Im afraid I dont have it.

I hear all the time from woman that when it all boils away, that men, are simply bastards ( myself being the exception to the rule ).

And through my experience... theyre right!

This person, sounds as confused as you are yourself, doesnt know wether to come or go, wether he wants you or he doesnt, and you really dont want to hang hopes on someone like that, because you will more than likely get hurt even more in the long run.

If someone doesnt have the commitment to see a relationship through, or even tell their partner how they feel, or what theyre thinking, then if they are required to make a serious decision, are they going to walk away then too? You have to ask yourself is this person, worth it, are you willing to take the risk.

No-one can tell you how to feel, or what to do, especially not me, but if this person is hurting you this much, at this early stage of a would be relationship, just think of how bad things could get if you let yourself get in deeper.

I hope this helps, or even give you some clear sight.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, cupid15 Indonesia +, writes (23 March 2009):

cupid15 agony auntif you really love someone then you must respect his/her feelings.live his way.may be he is not for you.life is long and iam sure there will be someone in your long run.best of luck you can do it.leaving him dosenot mean that you cannot like him.he is yours.but yuo are not his.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008):

Just a suggestion but do you actually love this guy who jerks you around or do you love the idea of him and what he represents to your life. For some insane reason we always idealize relationships, imagine what you would tell your best friend to do if she was in a relationship like that. Then follow those feelings. Good Luck.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

I've had this happen to me a few times with the same guy. We broke up and got back together bunches of times, and instead of breaking it off he ignored me a couple times, even when we were engaged once. He even cheated on me once but I forgave him, that was about 3 years ago though. And still to this day I love him with all my heart, but he doesn't love me anymore, so I think. Who knows. A part of me wants to believe he still has love for me. But I live with this heartache each and everyday. I dream about him, and think of him all the time. We have a son together and that makes this all more harder. I wish I didn't love this man any longer because it brings me down, tears poor from my eyes and I feel a heavy heavy sadness upon my chest AND I WISH IT WOULD JUST GO AWAY. But I am in love with him and it's been about 9 years of this.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008):

Hi I am 18 years old and I have just experianced my first long relashonship coming to an end. It kills me because I am so in love and it feels like she hates me.she says she loves me but she only wants to be friends and if I can't handle that then she doesn't want to talk to me at all. She says she never wants to be with me again. I know it will get better with time, but I don't want it to. I love her so much. I feel like a loser.she is mad at me cause I got jealos and I accused her of cheating and she hates that. She didn't talk to her last boyfriend for over a year. But I was with her for over 2 years with no jealosy doesn't that mean anything. I know I can get other girls (not to sound conseeded because anyone can) but I don't want to. All I want is her. She also says I didn't pay atention to her needs but I understand now and she won't give me another chance. This is my first long relashonship I think a couple of mistakes should be understould. I won't make them again. Oh and she is hanging out with a bunch of guys now. She even hung out with some guy she doesn't even know at all one on one and went driving around, to the mall and was even going to go to his house to watch a movie. Idont think that is right. She is always on the phone with guys and the computer too. I hate it. It kills me so much to be so in love with some one that doesn't love me and doesn't even pay the time of day to me but she is talking to all these other guys and expects it not to bother me and for me to act like I don't care at all.she tries to tell me that she hasn't moved on but I don't believe her at all. What do you think about my situation and what do you think I should do? Do you think i`m over reacting?thankyou for any help you can give.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007):

i will tell you this, he cares about you and you are probably the type of woman i am strong, confident and loyal especially as a friend. the feelings he have for you are not for a lasting relationship, he only wants you around because he draws his strength from you. once he's recharged, he doesn't need you anymore but when he falls on his face again and he has his tail between hi legs because MS RIGHT broke his heart, here he comes again and what do you do, lt him back in. well sister, i am here to tell you leave that zero alone. the only thing he is good for is sex and that ins't all that it's only good because you love him. well news flash, love yourself first. i had to do that. he's not even worth your time. when you start ignoring him don't call or anything like that then he'll start saying these sweet nothings like why you don't call and all that but once he thinks he has you hooked the cycloe starts all over again. let's break the cycle. it hurts but in time those wounds will heal.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007):

I think that he doesn't really love you but is trying to hide it because he cares about you. Show him that you are not a crazy desperate person and maybe just act casual, he will bring up the confidence to tell you the truth. Maybe he is a little scared of how you would react so just act cool and show him you aren't scary!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007):

i have the same problem. i am also very close friends with him and we talk about his girl all the time. he tell me that he loves me, and i say i love you too. then he talks about he he loves another girl! APPARENTLY SHE'S PERFECT. i don't know how to deal with it.. you're not alone..

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

yea i know what ur talking about i was best friends with this kid we did everything together and spent every single day together. He never made a move and neither did i, then when he finally worked up the nerve, and told me he loved me he ignored it the next day. When i approached him about it he said that our friendship is too great and he doesnt want to jeopardize it. So i said ok and tried to keep going on pretending nothing happened. Well he moved on to someone else and Ive never gotten over him after 3 years. We still talk, he says he misses me and he wants to hang out. He makes it seem like he still likes me but he doesnt and thats what hurts the most, that he can still say these things and do what he does and we cant be together. But you have to move on dont let him hurt you anymore you have been through enough and if you stick around waiting for him it could get worse. good luck

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007):

I am in that situation now and it sucks. The guy in question is my best friend and we've crossed the lines to be more the friends at times, so there have been mixed signals. I believe he truly cares about me but is not in love with me. It's hard because we're so in sync about so many things. He has medical issues, so I was sort of led to believe that's why he didn't want to be with me and complicate my life. Now I have reason to believe that he may be a closeted bisexual. Somehow his rejection was easier to take when I thought he was protecting me from getting involved in a complicated situation then the real reason is that he just doesn't desire me. That really hurts. So I guess I am lucky to not be in a complicated relationship with him, but I still have moments of feeling like an unloveable loser. Hopefully that will pass and I can move on to less one sided relationships.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007):

I've loved someone for about 3 years now. I have approached him and told him how I feel before. The feeling is so profound that I can't behave normally around him. I can't relate to him as a person, I'm that taken with him. He doesnt love me, we have never gone out, but he is still the thought when I wake up, the last thought before I sleep and everything in between. I can ignore the feelings, but iit is like an addiction, a craving. It makes me feel so lonely to feel that I have dispensed so much emotion and pain for someone who never even thinks about me. I hate the way it makes me feel vulnerable but I just have to wait until it all stops. Even though I don't know when it will or of it will. Many people are in your position, I feel for you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007):

Well,you should just ask him whether he wants to be with you or not and why hes been so inconsistent,and if he continues to be evasive just shout it in his face-give him an ultimatum-tell him : "this is it" Even if youre not ready for a possible breakdown of you relationship,act tough.At least youll get to know what hes been doing.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007):

If you really had him all the time, then you wouldn't be so obsessed with getting him the other half of the time that you don't have him. And you'd quickly form a more three-dimensional image of him that actually includes his faults as large/bad/often as they really are. And that would do a lot to quell your obsession with getting him back.

His actions are sending you a much louder message than his words. Listen and learn, or keep this up for as long as you want, but he probably won't get 'better' towards you no matter what you do.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007):

hey i see where your at,im 17 and this girl is almost 16, she pokes at me, you know we talk flirt and the whole lot, but when i gave her roses she went nuts and now she won't even talk to me, she won't even stare at me, then one day she started poking at me and flirting but i find out she has a guy she's been seeing but they arent technically going out. She haunts me, i can't sleep at night, i dont know what to do

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007):

This sounds like the same guy I was dating. The ignoring thing is so weird eh! I've done my own analysis of my guy's behavior and it seems that when things are going good, that's when he starts ignoring me. He said "When I feel like talking, I will let you know". It's been nearly 2 months now - not a word from him. All he had to say was "I'm not interested in the relationship", and I'd have closure and move on. But I don't think my or your guy wants the relationship to end. It's a control thing, he needs to keep his emotions at bay, a kind of protective mechanism to keep from getting hurt. In the end, they are not thinking of how they're behaviour is affecting us and hurting us. And you should never put up with someone who is reckless with your heart. Any chance he was native?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007):

You want him so much more because you can only get him inconsistently. The sad truth is that if he'd never been difficult, you probably wouldn't feel anywhere near so attached to him and you'd probably have gotten over him a long time ago.

Simply put, you're demonstrating that nice guys finish last.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007):

im so in love with someone who, says she loves me back but says shes not ready to be with someone because well i dont know. she wants me to be friends with her and i love speaking to her and seeing her but ive always got that thought if i do this will i win her back. you should not have to win anyone in love. if its right you will be together and no one or nothing will come between it, if stuff does then that person is not right for you at that time.

you can love someone so much, but if they dont love themselves, your love is not good enough. that's what it boils down to.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007):

Hi hon,

I'm sorry your in this situation, I am and have been before in this situation, once with a married man and again with a man who was 'with someone but apparently on a break'. Im now with a wonderfull guy who ticks all the boxes, but one, he cannot open up to me. He says he loves me but never actually says ** i love you. He is an only child and his parents had a very messy split when he was 9 so he became very independant at a young age, always learning to rely on himself, filling his life with things to do and see and friends. Which there is absolutely nothing wrong with. He had a 6 year relationship, but after coming back from travelling, she had a change of heart, they had what turned from a 3 month break to a 9 months break and then tried again, but it didnt work. I think all of this has affected the way in which he views relationships....as temporary. so he never truly opens his heart. I on the other hand come from a large family and my parents are still happily together after 40 years! They have a very traditional relationship and I guess i have always looked for someone who would look after me. But i have an independant streak that makes me want more, but ive always been looking for it in the wrong place...somehow i think that a man should offer that, but the only way you can make YOU happy is to doit yourself, and if someone comes along to complement that then thats fantastic. It sounds like your guy has some deep seated emotional problems. I do believe he wants to have a lasting relationship and make a commitment, but im afraid to say it doesnt seem to be with you. And like me, because you tick all the boxes, he thinks its you....then in his heart he knows that there is something missing. and breaks it off. I do not condone his behaviour with you, it is totally irresponsible and he is and adult and should know not to mess with your feelings. But i do believe there may be some truth in what he says, even if it is just a tiny grain... But he has messed you about twice now. Dont go back again. if you do get to talk, tell him you do not want any contact whatsoever untill he knows exactly what he wants. breaking things off this way will give you both some space but it will probably trigger a 'knee-jerk' panic reaction from him to run after you (mars and venus elastic lesson) but you must resist. if you keep the communication open you will continue to have hope, and he will still have his foot in the door so to speak. you need to break it off and move on, there are so many people out there in the world...it sounds to me, that like me, you need some time on your own, to find yourself and what you want. if he does come back and want to make a go of things, then it is completely your choice, but you will be stronger, knowing you do not have to rely on him to make you happy as you have filled your life with friends, work, family, leisure time for you etc...this is a really important lesson which i learnt the hard way...if you make this person your whole life, you will always be needy, and if they go, you will have nothing left. i am reading a book called 'feel the fear and do it anyway' google it, itll probably come up on amazon. its an amazing book that helps you deal with all aspects of your life and particularly relationships with everyone.

I may not have been much help, but just know you are beautiful, and are not the only one out there who is having to deal with this kind of unrequited love... you will be fine and strong and loved. you just have to find it within yourself first. move on

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007):

hun I'm a divorced male 33/34 and I am a male that is ridiculed for his sensitivity, it is inborn in males that they have to behave this way, it is not that they know about how they behave, but is more like an instinct. Until you understand this instinct in men you will never get to understand them, some will say I'm talking rubbish yet I know men are from mars and women are from venus. What you must not do is make it personal because I can assure you he has no idea emotionally what he is causing. Good luck, regards mcvicar

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2007):

i know how you feel. i love this guy and have done for over 2 years. he loved me back, but finished it for someone else. im hurting so much, i sometimes think whats the point. i think about him everyday, when i wake up, before i go to bed and during the day and almost everything i see or smell or touch reminds me of him. i dont really know how i can go on like this. i try to concentrate on other things, but at the moment its not working. every part of my life was connected with him and now i cant do anything without being reminded forcefully of everything we have been through. he was the greatest part of my life to date and im finding it so hard to close the chapter. sometimes i kid myself that he wants me back, but ive got to move, i guess it takes time. i hope in the future i'll find more love like that. just don't give up hope.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007):

hi, i know how feel i have loved someody for 2 years now and they dont love me back. It is so hard and it hurts so much especially when you see them or when they flirt with somebody. I am sorry to say i have not found any way to supress the feelings because when you love somebody it is an extremely strong feeling even if you dont nessecerily like them that much. The thing that ive found works best for me is to try and think about somebody else and not to concentrate on this one particular person

P.S. If you want to contact me please write an email to [email address blocked]

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007):

I completely undersatnd what it feels like to be in love with someone while being ignored by that person. In fact I am still in love with a girl who I had broken up with over a year ago. Sometimes the pain was so unbearable that I often contemplated suicide.

The way I have dealt with it was talking about it alot with friends. Make sure they know how to listen without giving too many responses and also make sure that they do not criticize you. The last thing you need is for your self-esteem to suffer anymore than it already has.

Exercise. Believe me. Lifting heavy weights feels like your screaming out your emotions. Focus on what bothers you then channel that energy through your routine.

Convince yourself that you're a good person. Realize that your intentions were heartfelt and that nothing is wrong with that. A woman like youself who expresses nothing but love to man you truly care about in my opinion is a beautiful, wondeful, and selfless person.

A man who doesn't appreciate these qualities in women like your ex-boyfriend should not have them. I do not believe that you have to do much to find yourself another man because trust me men would kill for such treasures as yourself. Simply keep you eyes open for those eligible bachelors.

You may find this advice to be fruitless and meaningless. But understand that I put alot of thought into what I said and that I'm really concerned about the way you feel right now (if you still feel this way). Take care.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007):

A girl I used to see may be thinking that I am as bad as the gentleman you just mentioned. When I started reading it I thought it was about me, but then I saw that you moved in with that man. I never moved with the girl I am talking about, but we have spent valuable time together. I love her, but I am not man enough to take her home while this is all she wants.

Get yourself another man and maybe he will get jealous, understand that he hurts you and hopefully the man you will get will love you and life goes on.

P.S: I miss the girl refuse to love and it hurts. Don't let that happen to you

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, mj17 United States +, writes (13 August 2007):

I'm a woman and i've been in your shoes right now as I write my answer. I always believed that we as women we love so hard and we never give the man a chance to want us and show their feeling for us. We are always there to comfort them and when they need our help we run to thier rescue. but as of 2007 we need to let love come to us because we are queens on this universe.If a man tell you one thing and does another and he promises to change, and he still find ways to lie, cheat and never change honey its not love its all a game. He's just using you just to keep you in his corner until he's with her. Take my advice leave although it might hurt but at least you can move on with your life knowing that you did everything in your power to love him and treat him good. God has someone for all of us. And what and who he give us is going to be good. Because rather we like it or not god knows whats best for us. please find it in your heart to forgive him and pray that god mend your heart and take this as a lesson learned. And know that you are loved and its his lost and another mans gain. And start loving again. may God bless you and may everything you touch be blessed. Love mj

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007):

dear writer,

I understand how you feel about this guy. To love someone is a really powerful feeling and just as love can be sweet, innocent, calming and joyful, it can also bring pain, confusion and hurt. Sometimes we think we love someone but we really don't. I'm not doughting that you love this person because no one knows that you'r in love better than yourself.

If you want to understand why this person is doing this, it is actually kind of simple. There is either three choices and scince I do not know this person and you do, then it is up to you to diside the correct answer.One, he could think he loves you and cares about you, but once he tells you he has second thoughts and turns away. But while he is away from you he notices feelings he still has for you and comes running back, but then repeats the cycle.The best way to deal with this situation would be to simply tell this person how you feel and tell him that you understand that he might not know what he's feeling, and if he's willing to see where the relationship goes, then you can take it slow.

Two, he could just want someone to be next to him while he has no one else. If he is with you for at least 1-2 weeks after he says he loves you and then leaves you and usually has a girlfriend durring that period, he is more than likely using you.The best thing to do for this would be to tell him that you have feeling too, and that you dont appreciate the fact that he messes with your heart, tell him you have very strong feelings for him and want to be with him, but if he continues to use you then you cant be with him or even have ANY contact with him...(even if you dont mean the contact part, guys tend to think about what they are losing when someone is threatening, like part of their teritory).

Or Three, he could really love you, and really care about you, but he is affraid of commitment and of getting hurt and showing his true feelings.So when he tells you he loves you he means it, but he is affraid of commitment and runs away but due to the strong power of love he comes back to you. The commitment thing is nothing personal twards you.His background may show signs of attachment to something and then a dramtic change where that something was tooken away from him. Most guys have trouble dealing with their emotions, and some handle it by running away. The best thing to do here would be to ask him to try to have a relationship with you and then maybe in the futur of the relationship consider counciling.

The best way to deal with this would be to take it slow in any relationship with this person, and explain the way you feel. Even though you might think you will be embarrassed, but if you dont let him know how this is effecting you, then he wouldnt be able to stop.

If you need any other advise write me at [email address blocked]

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007):

The important thing to realize is that it doesn't matter why he has done what he's done. All that matters is that he did it, not once but twice. You can drive yourself crazing trying to analize "why", or you can decide that his behavior is unacceptable, and he is not the right person for you. You care about him, so you're trying to find a reason to justify his reason for hurting you. Don't bother. You can't control someone else, but you can control yourself. Decide for yourself what is acceptable, and don't settle for anything less than that.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007):

I'm going through the same thing. I love this one person and they loved me. Everything was fine and we were happy... Then he broke up with me. I asked if he still loved me. He didn't... He loved his, and my, bestfriend. And my bestfriend loves him. It hurts so much because I still love him and he doesn't seem to care about me anymore. The best thing to do is try to move on and forget about him. If you can. End it before you get even more sad and miserable...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007):

From what someone said earlier about men not considering womens feelings.. i promise you when it's love there is nothing more we men can think about although we might not say it to you.Personally, I wake up everyday thinking of one person who is also my best friend, and if i knew of anyone that cared for me half as much as i care for her i'd jump and grab the opportunity straight away. Unfortunately i just have to find the words and tell her that, which is easier said than done. Good Luck to everyone

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007):

Moving on is not easy. I find it the hardest thing to do.

I know he doesn't love me, he hurts me and I still love him.

I even moved countries to get over him and it's not getting any better.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007):

I am still in love with my ex girlfriend very much. I cant sleep without medication, and I was the happiest most normal guy before. Always excited about life in every way! Then I met her.. My dream girl, beautiful..kind..sweet.. months passed and I confessed my love for her. she returned by saying the same.. just after i confessed my love, my godmother passed away.. i became depressed and cried in front of her. she seemed distant after i became clingy to her. during my grieving i needed her most and she seemed to avoid me. finally i was very hurt and wanted to see if she loved me. i told her i dont know if this is working out. she agreed and left me on the spot.. i asked if she still loved me.. she said not the same.. things changed.. letting her go was the most difficult thing ive ever been through. i cry everyday.. i dont sleep without seeing her in my dreams.. i pray to go to give me light in this dark place.. i miss her every minute of the day.. i dont know why love is so unfair.. i make my peace with her through my prayers, and try to keep busy.. hopefully one day love will return in another persons form.. i will die knowing that i lost my angel.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2006):

You sometimes we have to understand we may not ever understand why they do things. But if something is going on that causes you discomfort you should not allow it to go on. We cannot allow them to run into and out of our lives because if something is meant to be it will.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2006):

sweetie

I am going through the same thing. Men just dont really seem to care about our feeling or thoughts. They seem to take advantage of that. If he doesnt make you feel good or special inside that just means e's missing out and that you deserve better. Trust me! I know its hard , but move on!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2006):

I am going through this right now.The man I love is in love with another woman, who has blatantly played him twice. She dumped him, he was heartbroken, we got together and he tries to forget her (can't). Then she gets in touch and tells him that she is still in love with him. And when he confesses to her, she says that she doesn't love him anymore! I do not understand how a woman can be like that and how he keeps going back. What the hell is going on in their heads??

Thing is, I am so in love with this man!! And I have said to myself that I refuse to give up since it hasn't been fair. Some of my friends believe I should leave him and the others tell me that I should stay if I think he is worth it. And as stupid as it may seem, I believe he is.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, marie78 +, writes (23 November 2006):

I'm in that situation- where I still love my ex- and he's claiming to care for me- so he can use me for sex. Look, men show their emotions through their actions. Watch to see if he's treating you in a caring and respectful manner. If not, it's over and let sleeping dogs lay. Don't drag things out like my ex and I have done.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx United Kingdom +, writes (22 November 2006):

xxxsoulsistaxxx agony auntI don't know what this man is playing at. He could be playing a game with your emotions or he could simply be confused and scared of commitment and when you get too close, he has to back off. Whatever the reason, this is no good for you and you need to end it now.

This guy sounds like he has some problems and he's putting these on you. Please don''t allow this to continue, you need to get strong again and move on from this. How can you love someone who hurts you so badly? I know we've all been there and we all get through it in the end but you need to take the first steps to getting your life back on track.

You need to tell him whatever you both had is over and he is not to contact you again. You need to spend time on your own, getting to know you again and building back up the girl you were before all this, as some of that person has probably fallen by the wayside.

I know it can be hard when you love someone but this is just dragging you in deeper and deeper and it's not fair on either of you. Please seek some help if you need it, to build your confidence back up and make sure this man is out of your life for good so you can move forward.

Good luck and be strong.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "I love someone who doesn't love me and it hurts! Any tips to dealing with this?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.140625!