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female
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anonymous
writes: I love someone who doesnt want me. It hurts so much.I wake up thinking about him and cant seem to get him out of my head or heart. He told me he loved me then ignored me. He came back to me 2 months later and has repeated the same thing. I have reached the point now where i dont want a relationship with him anymore (as he messes with me too much), but i am still so crazy about him. I dont understand why someone would say they love you, and ask you to move in with them and talk about marriage, but then instead of simply saying I dont want to go out with you anymore - he just ignores me. Twice now. After the first time when he came back i made him wait and work hard to gain my trust back and he has just thrown it back at me. Why on earth cant he just be honest with me instead of blanking me? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): Just a suggestion but do you actually love this guy who jerks you around or do you love the idea of him and what he represents to your life. For some insane reason we always idealize relationships, imagine what you would tell your best friend to do if she was in a relationship like that. Then follow those feelings. Good Luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): I've had this happen to me a few times with the same guy. We broke up and got back together bunches of times, and instead of breaking it off he ignored me a couple times, even when we were engaged once. He even cheated on me once but I forgave him, that was about 3 years ago though. And still to this day I love him with all my heart, but he doesn't love me anymore, so I think. Who knows. A part of me wants to believe he still has love for me. But I live with this heartache each and everyday. I dream about him, and think of him all the time. We have a son together and that makes this all more harder. I wish I didn't love this man any longer because it brings me down, tears poor from my eyes and I feel a heavy heavy sadness upon my chest AND I WISH IT WOULD JUST GO AWAY. But I am in love with him and it's been about 9 years of this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Hi I am 18 years old and I have just experianced my first long relashonship coming to an end. It kills me because I am so in love and it feels like she hates me.she says she loves me but she only wants to be friends and if I can't handle that then she doesn't want to talk to me at all. She says she never wants to be with me again. I know it will get better with time, but I don't want it to. I love her so much. I feel like a loser.she is mad at me cause I got jealos and I accused her of cheating and she hates that. She didn't talk to her last boyfriend for over a year. But I was with her for over 2 years with no jealosy doesn't that mean anything. I know I can get other girls (not to sound conseeded because anyone can) but I don't want to. All I want is her. She also says I didn't pay atention to her needs but I understand now and she won't give me another chance. This is my first long relashonship I think a couple of mistakes should be understould. I won't make them again. Oh and she is hanging out with a bunch of guys now. She even hung out with some guy she doesn't even know at all one on one and went driving around, to the mall and was even going to go to his house to watch a movie. Idont think that is right. She is always on the phone with guys and the computer too. I hate it. It kills me so much to be so in love with some one that doesn't love me and doesn't even pay the time of day to me but she is talking to all these other guys and expects it not to bother me and for me to act like I don't care at all.she tries to tell me that she hasn't moved on but I don't believe her at all. What do you think about my situation and what do you think I should do? Do you think i`m over reacting?thankyou for any help you can give.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): i will tell you this, he cares about you and you are probably the type of woman i am strong, confident and loyal especially as a friend. the feelings he have for you are not for a lasting relationship, he only wants you around because he draws his strength from you. once he's recharged, he doesn't need you anymore but when he falls on his face again and he has his tail between hi legs because MS RIGHT broke his heart, here he comes again and what do you do, lt him back in. well sister, i am here to tell you leave that zero alone. the only thing he is good for is sex and that ins't all that it's only good because you love him. well news flash, love yourself first. i had to do that. he's not even worth your time. when you start ignoring him don't call or anything like that then he'll start saying these sweet nothings like why you don't call and all that but once he thinks he has you hooked the cycloe starts all over again. let's break the cycle. it hurts but in time those wounds will heal.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): I think that he doesn't really love you but is trying to hide it because he cares about you. Show him that you are not a crazy desperate person and maybe just act casual, he will bring up the confidence to tell you the truth. Maybe he is a little scared of how you would react so just act cool and show him you aren't scary!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): i have the same problem. i am also very close friends with him and we talk about his girl all the time. he tell me that he loves me, and i say i love you too. then he talks about he he loves another girl! APPARENTLY SHE'S PERFECT. i don't know how to deal with it.. you're not alone..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): yea i know what ur talking about i was best friends with this kid we did everything together and spent every single day together. He never made a move and neither did i, then when he finally worked up the nerve, and told me he loved me he ignored it the next day. When i approached him about it he said that our friendship is too great and he doesnt want to jeopardize it. So i said ok and tried to keep going on pretending nothing happened. Well he moved on to someone else and Ive never gotten over him after 3 years. We still talk, he says he misses me and he wants to hang out. He makes it seem like he still likes me but he doesnt and thats what hurts the most, that he can still say these things and do what he does and we cant be together. But you have to move on dont let him hurt you anymore you have been through enough and if you stick around waiting for him it could get worse. good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): I am in that situation now and it sucks. The guy in question is my best friend and we've crossed the lines to be more the friends at times, so there have been mixed signals. I believe he truly cares about me but is not in love with me. It's hard because we're so in sync about so many things. He has medical issues, so I was sort of led to believe that's why he didn't want to be with me and complicate my life. Now I have reason to believe that he may be a closeted bisexual. Somehow his rejection was easier to take when I thought he was protecting me from getting involved in a complicated situation then the real reason is that he just doesn't desire me. That really hurts. So I guess I am lucky to not be in a complicated relationship with him, but I still have moments of feeling like an unloveable loser. Hopefully that will pass and I can move on to less one sided relationships.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): I've loved someone for about 3 years now. I have approached him and told him how I feel before. The feeling is so profound that I can't behave normally around him. I can't relate to him as a person, I'm that taken with him. He doesnt love me, we have never gone out, but he is still the thought when I wake up, the last thought before I sleep and everything in between. I can ignore the feelings, but iit is like an addiction, a craving. It makes me feel so lonely to feel that I have dispensed so much emotion and pain for someone who never even thinks about me. I hate the way it makes me feel vulnerable but I just have to wait until it all stops. Even though I don't know when it will or of it will. Many people are in your position, I feel for you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): Well,you should just ask him whether he wants to be with you or not and why hes been so inconsistent,and if he continues to be evasive just shout it in his face-give him an ultimatum-tell him : "this is it" Even if youre not ready for a possible breakdown of you relationship,act tough.At least youll get to know what hes been doing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): If you really had him all the time, then you wouldn't be so obsessed with getting him the other half of the time that you don't have him. And you'd quickly form a more three-dimensional image of him that actually includes his faults as large/bad/often as they really are. And that would do a lot to quell your obsession with getting him back.
His actions are sending you a much louder message than his words. Listen and learn, or keep this up for as long as you want, but he probably won't get 'better' towards you no matter what you do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): hey i see where your at,im 17 and this girl is almost 16, she pokes at me, you know we talk flirt and the whole lot, but when i gave her roses she went nuts and now she won't even talk to me, she won't even stare at me, then one day she started poking at me and flirting but i find out she has a guy she's been seeing but they arent technically going out. She haunts me, i can't sleep at night, i dont know what to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): This sounds like the same guy I was dating. The ignoring thing is so weird eh! I've done my own analysis of my guy's behavior and it seems that when things are going good, that's when he starts ignoring me. He said "When I feel like talking, I will let you know". It's been nearly 2 months now - not a word from him. All he had to say was "I'm not interested in the relationship", and I'd have closure and move on. But I don't think my or your guy wants the relationship to end. It's a control thing, he needs to keep his emotions at bay, a kind of protective mechanism to keep from getting hurt. In the end, they are not thinking of how they're behaviour is affecting us and hurting us. And you should never put up with someone who is reckless with your heart. Any chance he was native?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): You want him so much more because you can only get him inconsistently. The sad truth is that if he'd never been difficult, you probably wouldn't feel anywhere near so attached to him and you'd probably have gotten over him a long time ago. Simply put, you're demonstrating that nice guys finish last.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): im so in love with someone who, says she loves me back but says shes not ready to be with someone because well i dont know. she wants me to be friends with her and i love speaking to her and seeing her but ive always got that thought if i do this will i win her back. you should not have to win anyone in love. if its right you will be together and no one or nothing will come between it, if stuff does then that person is not right for you at that time.
you can love someone so much, but if they dont love themselves, your love is not good enough. that's what it boils down to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): Hi hon, I'm sorry your in this situation, I am and have been before in this situation, once with a married man and again with a man who was 'with someone but apparently on a break'. Im now with a wonderfull guy who ticks all the boxes, but one, he cannot open up to me. He says he loves me but never actually says ** i love you. He is an only child and his parents had a very messy split when he was 9 so he became very independant at a young age, always learning to rely on himself, filling his life with things to do and see and friends. Which there is absolutely nothing wrong with. He had a 6 year relationship, but after coming back from travelling, she had a change of heart, they had what turned from a 3 month break to a 9 months break and then tried again, but it didnt work. I think all of this has affected the way in which he views relationships....as temporary. so he never truly opens his heart. I on the other hand come from a large family and my parents are still happily together after 40 years! They have a very traditional relationship and I guess i have always looked for someone who would look after me. But i have an independant streak that makes me want more, but ive always been looking for it in the wrong place...somehow i think that a man should offer that, but the only way you can make YOU happy is to doit yourself, and if someone comes along to complement that then thats fantastic. It sounds like your guy has some deep seated emotional problems. I do believe he wants to have a lasting relationship and make a commitment, but im afraid to say it doesnt seem to be with you. And like me, because you tick all the boxes, he thinks its you....then in his heart he knows that there is something missing. and breaks it off. I do not condone his behaviour with you, it is totally irresponsible and he is and adult and should know not to mess with your feelings. But i do believe there may be some truth in what he says, even if it is just a tiny grain... But he has messed you about twice now. Dont go back again. if you do get to talk, tell him you do not want any contact whatsoever untill he knows exactly what he wants. breaking things off this way will give you both some space but it will probably trigger a 'knee-jerk' panic reaction from him to run after you (mars and venus elastic lesson) but you must resist. if you keep the communication open you will continue to have hope, and he will still have his foot in the door so to speak. you need to break it off and move on, there are so many people out there in the world...it sounds to me, that like me, you need some time on your own, to find yourself and what you want. if he does come back and want to make a go of things, then it is completely your choice, but you will be stronger, knowing you do not have to rely on him to make you happy as you have filled your life with friends, work, family, leisure time for you etc...this is a really important lesson which i learnt the hard way...if you make this person your whole life, you will always be needy, and if they go, you will have nothing left. i am reading a book called 'feel the fear and do it anyway' google it, itll probably come up on amazon. its an amazing book that helps you deal with all aspects of your life and particularly relationships with everyone. I may not have been much help, but just know you are beautiful, and are not the only one out there who is having to deal with this kind of unrequited love... you will be fine and strong and loved. you just have to find it within yourself first. move on
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): hun I'm a divorced male 33/34 and I am a male that is ridiculed for his sensitivity, it is inborn in males that they have to behave this way, it is not that they know about how they behave, but is more like an instinct. Until you understand this instinct in men you will never get to understand them, some will say I'm talking rubbish yet I know men are from mars and women are from venus. What you must not do is make it personal because I can assure you he has no idea emotionally what he is causing. Good luck, regards mcvicar
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2007): i know how you feel. i love this guy and have done for over 2 years. he loved me back, but finished it for someone else. im hurting so much, i sometimes think whats the point. i think about him everyday, when i wake up, before i go to bed and during the day and almost everything i see or smell or touch reminds me of him. i dont really know how i can go on like this. i try to concentrate on other things, but at the moment its not working. every part of my life was connected with him and now i cant do anything without being reminded forcefully of everything we have been through. he was the greatest part of my life to date and im finding it so hard to close the chapter. sometimes i kid myself that he wants me back, but ive got to move, i guess it takes time. i hope in the future i'll find more love like that. just don't give up hope.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): hi, i know how feel i have loved someody for 2 years now and they dont love me back. It is so hard and it hurts so much especially when you see them or when they flirt with somebody. I am sorry to say i have not found any way to supress the feelings because when you love somebody it is an extremely strong feeling even if you dont nessecerily like them that much. The thing that ive found works best for me is to try and think about somebody else and not to concentrate on this one particular personP.S. If you want to contact me please write an email to [email address blocked]
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): I completely undersatnd what it feels like to be in love with someone while being ignored by that person. In fact I am still in love with a girl who I had broken up with over a year ago. Sometimes the pain was so unbearable that I often contemplated suicide.The way I have dealt with it was talking about it alot with friends. Make sure they know how to listen without giving too many responses and also make sure that they do not criticize you. The last thing you need is for your self-esteem to suffer anymore than it already has. Exercise. Believe me. Lifting heavy weights feels like your screaming out your emotions. Focus on what bothers you then channel that energy through your routine.Convince yourself that you're a good person. Realize that your intentions were heartfelt and that nothing is wrong with that. A woman like youself who expresses nothing but love to man you truly care about in my opinion is a beautiful, wondeful, and selfless person.A man who doesn't appreciate these qualities in women like your ex-boyfriend should not have them. I do not believe that you have to do much to find yourself another man because trust me men would kill for such treasures as yourself. Simply keep you eyes open for those eligible bachelors.You may find this advice to be fruitless and meaningless. But understand that I put alot of thought into what I said and that I'm really concerned about the way you feel right now (if you still feel this way). Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): A girl I used to see may be thinking that I am as bad as the gentleman you just mentioned. When I started reading it I thought it was about me, but then I saw that you moved in with that man. I never moved with the girl I am talking about, but we have spent valuable time together. I love her, but I am not man enough to take her home while this is all she wants.Get yourself another man and maybe he will get jealous, understand that he hurts you and hopefully the man you will get will love you and life goes on.P.S: I miss the girl refuse to love and it hurts. Don't let that happen to you
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reader, mj17  +, writes (13 August 2007):
I'm a woman and i've been in your shoes right now as I write my answer. I always believed that we as women we love so hard and we never give the man a chance to want us and show their feeling for us. We are always there to comfort them and when they need our help we run to thier rescue. but as of 2007 we need to let love come to us because we are queens on this universe.If a man tell you one thing and does another and he promises to change, and he still find ways to lie, cheat and never change honey its not love its all a game. He's just using you just to keep you in his corner until he's with her. Take my advice leave although it might hurt but at least you can move on with your life knowing that you did everything in your power to love him and treat him good. God has someone for all of us. And what and who he give us is going to be good. Because rather we like it or not god knows whats best for us. please find it in your heart to forgive him and pray that god mend your heart and take this as a lesson learned. And know that you are loved and its his lost and another mans gain. And start loving again. may God bless you and may everything you touch be blessed. Love mj
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): dear writer,
I understand how you feel about this guy. To love someone is a really powerful feeling and just as love can be sweet, innocent, calming and joyful, it can also bring pain, confusion and hurt. Sometimes we think we love someone but we really don't. I'm not doughting that you love this person because no one knows that you'r in love better than yourself.
If you want to understand why this person is doing this, it is actually kind of simple. There is either three choices and scince I do not know this person and you do, then it is up to you to diside the correct answer.One, he could think he loves you and cares about you, but once he tells you he has second thoughts and turns away. But while he is away from you he notices feelings he still has for you and comes running back, but then repeats the cycle.The best way to deal with this situation would be to simply tell this person how you feel and tell him that you understand that he might not know what he's feeling, and if he's willing to see where the relationship goes, then you can take it slow.
Two, he could just want someone to be next to him while he has no one else. If he is with you for at least 1-2 weeks after he says he loves you and then leaves you and usually has a girlfriend durring that period, he is more than likely using you.The best thing to do for this would be to tell him that you have feeling too, and that you dont appreciate the fact that he messes with your heart, tell him you have very strong feelings for him and want to be with him, but if he continues to use you then you cant be with him or even have ANY contact with him...(even if you dont mean the contact part, guys tend to think about what they are losing when someone is threatening, like part of their teritory).
Or Three, he could really love you, and really care about you, but he is affraid of commitment and of getting hurt and showing his true feelings.So when he tells you he loves you he means it, but he is affraid of commitment and runs away but due to the strong power of love he comes back to you. The commitment thing is nothing personal twards you.His background may show signs of attachment to something and then a dramtic change where that something was tooken away from him. Most guys have trouble dealing with their emotions, and some handle it by running away. The best thing to do here would be to ask him to try to have a relationship with you and then maybe in the futur of the relationship consider counciling.
The best way to deal with this would be to take it slow in any relationship with this person, and explain the way you feel. Even though you might think you will be embarrassed, but if you dont let him know how this is effecting you, then he wouldnt be able to stop.
If you need any other advise write me at [email address blocked]
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007): The important thing to realize is that it doesn't matter why he has done what he's done. All that matters is that he did it, not once but twice. You can drive yourself crazing trying to analize "why", or you can decide that his behavior is unacceptable, and he is not the right person for you. You care about him, so you're trying to find a reason to justify his reason for hurting you. Don't bother. You can't control someone else, but you can control yourself. Decide for yourself what is acceptable, and don't settle for anything less than that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): I'm going through the same thing. I love this one person and they loved me. Everything was fine and we were happy... Then he broke up with me. I asked if he still loved me. He didn't... He loved his, and my, bestfriend. And my bestfriend loves him. It hurts so much because I still love him and he doesn't seem to care about me anymore. The best thing to do is try to move on and forget about him. If you can. End it before you get even more sad and miserable...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): From what someone said earlier about men not considering womens feelings.. i promise you when it's love there is nothing more we men can think about although we might not say it to you.Personally, I wake up everyday thinking of one person who is also my best friend, and if i knew of anyone that cared for me half as much as i care for her i'd jump and grab the opportunity straight away. Unfortunately i just have to find the words and tell her that, which is easier said than done. Good Luck to everyone
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): Moving on is not easy. I find it the hardest thing to do.
I know he doesn't love me, he hurts me and I still love him.
I even moved countries to get over him and it's not getting any better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): I am still in love with my ex girlfriend very much. I cant sleep without medication, and I was the happiest most normal guy before. Always excited about life in every way! Then I met her.. My dream girl, beautiful..kind..sweet.. months passed and I confessed my love for her. she returned by saying the same.. just after i confessed my love, my godmother passed away.. i became depressed and cried in front of her. she seemed distant after i became clingy to her. during my grieving i needed her most and she seemed to avoid me. finally i was very hurt and wanted to see if she loved me. i told her i dont know if this is working out. she agreed and left me on the spot.. i asked if she still loved me.. she said not the same.. things changed.. letting her go was the most difficult thing ive ever been through. i cry everyday.. i dont sleep without seeing her in my dreams.. i pray to go to give me light in this dark place.. i miss her every minute of the day.. i dont know why love is so unfair.. i make my peace with her through my prayers, and try to keep busy.. hopefully one day love will return in another persons form.. i will die knowing that i lost my angel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2006): You sometimes we have to understand we may not ever understand why they do things. But if something is going on that causes you discomfort you should not allow it to go on. We cannot allow them to run into and out of our lives because if something is meant to be it will.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2006): sweetie
I am going through the same thing. Men just dont really seem to care about our feeling or thoughts. They seem to take advantage of that. If he doesnt make you feel good or special inside that just means e's missing out and that you deserve better. Trust me! I know its hard , but move on!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2006): I am going through this right now.The man I love is in love with another woman, who has blatantly played him twice. She dumped him, he was heartbroken, we got together and he tries to forget her (can't). Then she gets in touch and tells him that she is still in love with him. And when he confesses to her, she says that she doesn't love him anymore! I do not understand how a woman can be like that and how he keeps going back. What the hell is going on in their heads??
Thing is, I am so in love with this man!! And I have said to myself that I refuse to give up since it hasn't been fair. Some of my friends believe I should leave him and the others tell me that I should stay if I think he is worth it. And as stupid as it may seem, I believe he is.
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female
reader, marie78 +, writes (23 November 2006):
I'm in that situation- where I still love my ex- and he's claiming to care for me- so he can use me for sex. Look, men show their emotions through their actions. Watch to see if he's treating you in a caring and respectful manner. If not, it's over and let sleeping dogs lay. Don't drag things out like my ex and I have done.
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female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (22 November 2006):
 I don't know what this man is playing at. He could be playing a game with your emotions or he could simply be confused and scared of commitment and when you get too close, he has to back off. Whatever the reason, this is no good for you and you need to end it now.
This guy sounds like he has some problems and he's putting these on you. Please don''t allow this to continue, you need to get strong again and move on from this. How can you love someone who hurts you so badly? I know we've all been there and we all get through it in the end but you need to take the first steps to getting your life back on track.
You need to tell him whatever you both had is over and he is not to contact you again. You need to spend time on your own, getting to know you again and building back up the girl you were before all this, as some of that person has probably fallen by the wayside.
I know it can be hard when you love someone but this is just dragging you in deeper and deeper and it's not fair on either of you. Please seek some help if you need it, to build your confidence back up and make sure this man is out of your life for good so you can move forward.
Good luck and be strong.
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