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I love my mistress but I love my wife and kids, too! What should I do?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 June 2007) 63 Answers - (Newest, 1 July 2012)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi im 36 yrs old male and i have been married for 17 years.I have also been cheating on my wife for 6 years with a wonderful women aged 26 we have a great relationship and i love her like mad. Trouble is i love my wife as well.I dont know which way to turn so i need help. I have 3 great kids aged 12,14,16 and i dont want to see them get hurt.My wife doesnt know about my affair wot can i do.

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A female reader, 28zane Philippines +, writes (1 July 2012):

I think u need to think twice if u do really love ur wife than ur mistress.Loving is no cheating...In this matter u need to evaluate why u love ur wife?For sure of this reasons:

1.She is the Mother of ur kids

2.she can give ur biological needs

3.she's always there for u...

How about the mistress?

1.she gives u more attention

2.she does more hot than ur wife

3.she listen ur story

4.she's always has time for u.

can u see the difference?

Simple thing u need to do,be honest of what u need.If ur wife is not so hot like the mistress for a reason that she needs to take care ur kids.Tell her and suggest what she needs to do.Only u ,can decide and can change ur feelings because LOVE is happiness,respect,the truth

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012):

Why judge...is what he did wrong or what anyone does for that matter? Not really...it is simply a choice...enough with the wah wah...

We are all human with different needs and passions. Assuming one person can completely meet all of our needs is crazy!

That is why marriage is really an idea that well quite frankly might be outdated and never worked in the first place. We are all emotional sexual creatures...most men do fall in love with their Mistresses and women fall in love with their Lovers...use what ever word you want to describe the Other Person!

The fact remains... cheating (such an ugly word) can be done in the mind...undressing someone that you walk by, in the heart with an emotional connection, and well physically...either way it happens all the time and you may stand there and say I've never cheated ever...but you have.

Unless your eyes have always remained only on your wife/husband and never even found a celebrity attractive...you've compromised your feelings for them and said...yep there cute! So moving on from that "I'm greater than those that cheat" issue.

Should you ever under any circumstances tell your spouse that you've cheated, lied...whatever? NO NO NO NO NO it only makes you feel better and them miserable. Did not solve anything transferred emotions. Keep it to yourself, rationalize it in your mind and move on. Keep your Mistress/Lover, take care of your family...kiss your wife and make sweet love to her...hug your kids. Smile and have a great day! So tired of people ragging on those that happen to love more than one person at a time, can't be controlled and sometimes it happens love at first sight...can't be controlled...live happily free yourself from guilt. Then you can have two fulfilling relationships...are you hurting your spouse..NO they needn't find out...and if they do explain to them in a rational calm way...how much you love them and how much you love the other...ask them to accept you as the complex being you are...believe it or not...many married couples do let the other spouse have the affair! And many of the so named cheaters are Women...they get emotionally connected to other men just as easily as men do. The only thing I would question is leaving your spouse for the Lover/Mistress. No reason too this other person offers you an interesting dynamic that makes your life better with them in it, with your current spouse. Together its like a perfect triangle...remove a piece and a gap forms...so third piece must be found again. Does that make sense...your happy with all the pieces in alignment if you take out a piece it will not feel the same or enrich your life the same. So I don't encourage anyone ever divorcing simply accepting people as is...which may include more than one Lover. And that is okay...our society by now should realize many of us do love and can easily want more than one person at a time...and the feelings and experiences we get from different people enrich our lives. So I hope you did not listen to these perfect folks that said blab it all...and instead focus on how you can keep your triangle and keep everyone happy in it...5 years from now...you will be more fulfilled, spouse happy and mistress happy. Mistresses/Lovers know who you are and what role you play...if she/he was married never ask them to leave their spouse or encourage it...no fair its how you met them.

That spouse helped mold them into the man/woman you adore so much. Never forget that and without that spouse you and how you appear in the love triangle will never be the same if you remove her/him.

If you do count yourself as potentially on the chopping block next round. Relax everybody...love is life. Virtual Mistress

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011):

To add to the other opinions expressed to this point...

If you've never been there, the whole situation is morally corrupt.

If you have been there, you know how complicated it can be. It is messy and no one wants to rock the boat and create unnecessary problems that could have been wholly avoided. Thus the dilemma that results in these situations. The person feels terrible for creating issues that are unnecessary, yet can't turn off the feelings that have been brought to the surface.

You face a completely unenviable situation. If you decide to let one go, will you ever completely let go?

Will you regret it more if you do or if you don't?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011):

Everyone will tell you to do the ideal thing like in movies. But...

Don't EVER tell this to youre wife, or you get youre children sad, youre wife angry and sad and if this leaks out everyone will denegrade you.

Just choose youre wife. You can't leave her at the moment, cause you have children and you still love her.

Youre love for your mistress is pure sexual love. Try to recognize that... its always there, at the moments you talk, at the moments you drink together, at the moments you stare to each other... its always because you got a feeling of sexual urge, not love. Tell youre mistress that you have made a mistake but that you can't do this further. Tell her you got children and that you want to be a good father. Everyone understands that. Once thats done, its done. Don't talk about it to youre wife forever.

Much people will advice you to tell her and that a relationship is based on trueth. I say different... no matter what, no matter how, all relationships have lies. Its what the mind uses to fill gaps in youre needs. So don't worry, leave it all behind, as long as you change things now, you will live a happy life.

by the way: ever wondered why so much people have a need for mistresses? A girl tried to be a mistress of me, but i cannot have it, i react very negative on that, i hate to be told what to do, i always want to have an agreement. Why others don't have that reaction? Its way healthier, and untill some years ago i tought most had it.

Have a good life,

You know who

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A female reader, her1 Canada +, writes (16 April 2011):

hi everyone as i see this conversation been going on since 2007 and obviously for decades as this has been happening.

i read most of these comments and i have a criticism for people that morally criticize the guy that wrote the first comment. the man did now write here to see if it was acceptable and moral thing to do. we all know that. but life can not be lived by the book. the guy made a mistake to put himself in a position to cheat, the rest are feelings that none of us can control. none. ask yourself what caused you to do it, another woman is rarely the cause and mostly the outcome of something that has become dysfunctional. and can anyone blame a human being for just trying to be happy?

no need to call this guy a prick. iv been with a married man myself and guess what? he is a wonderful man with a big heart. but we not talking about him, lets speak generally.

you were in love, you got married, u had kids, and it can go either or.. 1) u happy but empty 2) u r unhappy and fight 3) you have been so absorbed with your children and domestic responsibilities that you simply dont have the time to see how much has your "romantic" relationship deteriorated. the you come across that other person, feelings that you forget existed come back and you wake up, then u notice how empty things at home are.

options? what are they? how about one of these "u prick love your family etc blah blah" answer me? option to go back to something you know is dysfunctional and now u see it more clear and say " forget me, i am gona live for the kids" we are in 21st century. what kind of an example you giving your children living in a loveless marriage for show? not so good i think. will children be upset? for sure, so will you so will your wife. but are they going to be any less upset when they grow up and have to find out that you not in love with their mother, that you loved another woman, that out of fear of being good to them you lived years unhappy and made their mopther unhappy just by preventing her from going and finding that fresh air and love again?

my point is, we can not judge, iv been faithful, iv been cheated on, iv cheated. iv seen crap man that cheat for a sport and dont divorce only for cash reasons, they r too rich and dont wish to lose half or conmpany shares or whatever else. but iv seen he greatest man that r truly unhappy but willing to live as such not to hurt their family. is it right? no. these men deserve more then that. everyone deserves to be happy. the rule is try to be happy with the least casualties you can have, but there will always be some pain, and that you have to live through time heals all. in the end of the day your kids will grow up and respect you for making the choice to be happy. just be good parents to them even if separately.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011):

first of all confess to your wife it does not matter if she gets mad at you as long as you tell her the truth. And do the same with you affaired lover tell the truth about you real wife and the kids doing those to will actually get them both to hate or dislike you but doing this will lift a heavy burden on you

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A male reader, Shrike United Kingdom +, writes (25 March 2011):

If you really care about your partner, the only thing that matters is their welfare. If you have children by that person, the children take the most important factor in the relationship. Everything else is self gratification.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010):

I just recently left my wife of 8yrs for a woman who has more passion, vision, goals and drive than my wife.

Year after year I kept telling my wife that intimacy was important to me, and is a core issue in every relationship. But my pleas went ignored, until I finally did something about it.

Before we separated I was starting to court this other woman, and even though we hadn't been intimate yet my wife completely shut down. I tried to confirm to her that I loved her and she kept pushing me away until I said, "you're going to end up pushing me into the arms of another woman."

She then said, "There's nothing I can do." I accept full responsibility for my actions but at first I blamed her for our separation because I felt she didn’t care and felt unloved.

I still love my wife very much but I know we can't be together because I want more out of life and someone to share that with. She is who she is, and I can't try and change her because I realize it’s not right. I hate to think of her possibly moving on and being with someone else, but I know one day she will have to.

The other woman and I are taking things slow now, because I don't want to rush and have things fall apart. I've been torn with myself for 2 months but I know I will have to make peace with it all. I wish you all the best of luck because it’s terrifying to be in love with two women and you have to make a choice. I hope to one day be at peace because I don't know how much more I can take emotionally.

I'm only 31 and lucky not to have kids because it would make things harder. All I can say is make sure you know the person before you marry them because eventually two different personalities will clash and when you add years of frustration then you get the mess that I'm in. Please wish me luck as I navigate through treacherous waters of emotions, fear, and anxiety.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010):

go back to your wife before it is too late and make sure she knows what you want and let her give it to you

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010):

It seems that there are 2 different opinions given by all the people who have commented on this question. People who have been in the same situation and people who were not.

I’m not married, and also don’t have any children, but I have been living with my girlfriend for about 10 years. I really can’t say that there is anything wrong in our relationship, or any void.

Recently I started having an affair with a woman who is engaged to get married next year. At first, it started out to be all about the “excitement” that the affair brought, but now it starting to get very serious.

Some of you are saying that it is not possible to love 2 women, but I disagree. You are just saying that because you haven’t been in this situation. Please take note, I’m a realist, and know that this is wrong in every moral way. I wasn’t looking for a mistress, nor did I ever think that I would have an affair, but it just happened.

Because of the fact that both of us are in serious relationships. We know the risks involved of having this affair. Both agreeing that if you look at the long run, would our relationship actually work out if we leave our partners for each other? Also, would we ever be able to trust each other, due to the fact that both of us are being unfaithful at this point?

Now, seeing the reality in all this, you would think it’s easy to make a decision on what to do, but in fact, IT’S NOT!!

It’s easy for some of you people to judge, but if you ever find yourself in this situation, you’ll exactly know what I’m talking about.

I don’t know where I’m going with this affair; will it stop at some point? I don’t know??? What i do know is, it’s eating me up inside. I care for both women very dearly.

It’s like a drug addiction. If you weren’t ever addicted to it, you won’t know how it feels like.

Let me tell you this, life gets a lot more difficult if you are having an affair, so if possible, rather try to avoid getting yourself into this situation. Getting out, is not very easy!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010):

So I've been my lovers' mistress for almost a year now and if he did leave his wife I have no intention of leaving him too, or if he got seriously injured or went bankrupt, I'd still be there for him. Idk what kind of mistress you have, but let me tell you and anybody else reading this that not all mistresses are the same. Some are gold diggers, some get their thrills bc your unavailable(for whatever reason), and some actually do care. Mistresses are people too ya know and we have feelings. So everybody saying mistresses are bad news, yea that may be true, but not because we want bad things to happen but eventually somebodys gonna get hurt (like in every relationship), divorce may/may not happen, and yes if kids are involved then it's a bit more complicated. Idk if my guy will every leave his wife, but I'm not gonna force him to. If he does it'll be his decision bc his marriage, like yours(probably) was in trouble before i came in the picture. Whether it was constant arguing w/your wife or feeling lonely...you decided that the "best" choice to relief those emotions was to get another woman to listen to what your wife does not. or maybe you just wanted to forget some things and you can't do that with your wife. Either way, I do believe cheating is wrong. And yes I do feel bad for my guys wife and for all wives who find out their husbands been cheating for 6yrs or 15yrs, even 2months. Whomever you chose or decide to choose, make sure it's not with your dick but with your head&heart. You should definently let one or maybe both of the women go. Put yourself in your wives shoes,...maybe she has known for awhile now and just doesnt wanna let you know she knows because she doesn't want to deal with you leaving. Or maybe she knows and thinks you're just going through a phase and hopes every night that you'll stop. Whatever decision you make though, make sure it's best for your kids too. If you leave, be there for them as much as you have been if not more. (btw, my guy has 6 kids and been married for 16yrs)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010):

Follow your heart. You only live once. There are no "Do Overs". Enjoy it while you are here. Don't let society dictate your decision. If you need more than one woman to fill your needs than so be it. Be honest with both of them and things will work out.

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A female reader, patty41 United States +, writes (14 October 2010):

Let me give you another perspective to think about in these situations and that simply is, if the consqeuences of a toxic relationship like this cost another to suffer a castrophic injury or even worse, their life, could you live with that? Is there be enough lust, passion and overwhelming desire that enables you to live without that person, to make it worth it? Well,that's exactly what happen in the case of my triangle. If you really think you love both your mistress and your wife, I ask you read my entire story. From the age twenty-nine and up until about a month before my forty-first birthday, I was the mistress to a married man who was thirteen years older then me. For the first seven years we lived in a whirlwind of desire. I was the sucessful nurse with a high powered career, had a rock hard body that I kept fit with daily workout sessions...turned heads every where we went. He ate it up, drove him wild. He would return home to the frumpy, overweight housewife and spend all his time on the computer trying to figure out if I was home. I suppose we both got some kind of high from it all. After all, when his son turned eighteen, he was leaving the wife and we were going to be together forever..lol, OK!! Then the wife discovered the affair and the next four years was spent descending into only what I can call hell on earth. He couldn't leave the suicidal wife, but yet he couldn't let me go, I couldn't let him go. It was the toxic mix that was bound to explode. Then on Jan 11, 2009 @ 253 pm all of our relationship problems were solved and brand new bunch of life changing one's began. After a nearly two hour fight with "my lover", I jumped in the car and took off. He immediatley jumped in his vehicle and a chase ensued. Within three minutes of turning over the key to start the engine of my brand new Ford Mustang, I lost control, flipping it three times, and even though I had on a seat belt, my head managed to partially eject through the driver's side window. My face was severely damaged and four reconstructive surgeries later--we've only just begun. BUT, that was not the most castrophic event of that day. I broken my back in three places, including a break in the cervical spine at the C 5/6 level. After six months in an intensive care unit and spinal cord injury rehab hospital, I spend my days in the most unbelivable pain. as I try to teach my body, which is over 50% paralyzed from the chest down, to work again. I lost my nursing career, my independence, my looks--my life. Now "my lover" spends his days calling me and my family crying, begging for forgivness. He's suffers from extreme depression related to unresolvable guilt. His wife has even pleaded with me to forgive him so they can resume some kind normal life. What she don't understand is, not only did my life end in that accident, so didn't theirs, at least life as we each knew it. Yes, I know my situation is the extereme, but don't ever think the emotions attached to an affair can't be so overwhelming it consumes ALL. It changes your psychological make-up and interfers with your rational thought processes. Normal, educated individuals lose all control and then at least in this circumstance their entire life is ruined forever.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010):

enjoy your life and the wonderful women that you have in it! you are a man of such caliber that you can enjoy more than one women!

but, don't forget about the fantastic things that your current wife is doing for you!

my wife has always expected me to have affairs because she has little interest in sex. but she gives me everything else. i make it clear to my girlfriends that my wife is number one and nothing will ever change that and i make sure to communicate that to my wife too!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

I would imagine the life you are living with your mistress is simply a lie. It is not a real relationship you are simply living in the fantasy. She is providing the things your wife isnt. Well, your wife has the pleasure of raising your children, dealing with your financial situations..ie.house, rent, things the children need ect.. These things are first in your wifes life and you may be feeling second. The mistress makes you feel you are number one. Well, that is easy because she doesnt have to deal with all of the REAL WORLD issues you have when you are married. My suggestion is to break it off with your mistress. Living a lie just eats you up. You are like a thief, and you are always looking over your shoulder, or trying to watch what you say to not get caught. You are too old to live your life this way. You deserve better and your wife, who may not know how she is really making you feel, deserves better. You both deserve the honest to GODs truth. She has been with you for a lot of years. Give her the respect she deserves. Remember...she was with you when...you fill in the blanks. This mistress, she doesnt really know you and you don't know her. People will only let you see what they want. My husband cheated and now a child is involved. We have been married 17 years. When it all boiled down, the mistress was not really what he thought, nor what he wanted, sorry a baby was born now there is another life involved in foolishness. My suggestion is to leave the mistress and put all of that energy into your wife. Besides.....what makes you think your wife is head over heels for you? If you are lacking, then believe me, she is too. Fix your marriage. If you are a praying man. Give it to GOD in prayer.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010):

Leave your mistress. Your kids are in plain adolescence!! They need you. Need your counsel. Your time. Your example. Your words of selfsteem. But u seem to lack it.

I have wife and 2 wonderful kids. I love them. Passion has receeded. The fire has ended. I had a job that required to be in other state in weekdays and returned home in weekends. Felt alone. Felt abandoned. Began to date with a beautiful woman with great chemistry between the two. The ideal woman for me, beautiful and with personality funny, skinny, everything. I fell in love. Was with her for a year. Then I reached the decision point when my wife went suspicious.

I told her I wasnt happy with the marriage. Then my mistress left me. I saw clearly I was to loose everything. A mistress can cause you to loose your wife and kids and then she leaves.

I was so sad and the pain remained in my heart foe 6 months. I returned to live with my wife, but then began the awful phase of arguing for everything. We were in the road for divorce. Calmed down for a while. I finded another young woman. This was in love with me. I was protecting my heart now, and was only for the sex and company. I reached again the decision point when she told me she wanted a son from me and we living together, and was somewhat jealous of my wife. I almost rent a house for the 2 of us. Then I saw I was to loose everything again, thought in my kids. Left her. Again in pain. This time didnt last much. Returned with my family.

You have to be proud of your family. The pain of loosing a mistress last for weeks or months. The pain of loosing your wife and kids last for all your life including your oldest years when you need them. There is no comparison.

Leave your mistress. Call her and tell her youre sorry and will be sad but you decided to end the affair. Then dont call her, write her or think of her situation. Anything will be fair for her now. Dont see her again in your life. Invest in your family and kids. Invest money, time and love. You will see there are good things again.

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A male reader, Giorgioarmanicus Costa Rica +, writes (20 July 2010):

Think logically, if u earn money and have 2 women and 3 kids, etc. You wont get any better and will allways need a woman for the relief of emotional stress of giving everything to others.

Step back into your priorities that are your money and kids. If you leave ur mistress u will have all your money just for u and will have peace and tranquility to be relaxed, read books, etc. Your kids will have a better education and vacations with your parents. They will have more of you. That´s what is important.

If you posted this is because you are in trouble. If you looked for a mistress is because ur not happy with your wife. if you are not happy with her is because of you or her? If its you, remain with your wife. Fix urself. If its her, leave her for good.

As you can see u can end leaving them both. And this is what I recommend. Because a good man that leaves a woman is because she didnt give anything or is a bitch. And a mistress, come on, she is not worth it. She can be unfaithful to you too. Is not real love, its endorfines.

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A male reader, Giorgioarmanicus Costa Rica +, writes (19 July 2010):

Leave them both, The firt one for not having loved u as she had. You gave her your best and the best years and she didnt value it. And the other because is a selfish hore (ur supporting her 100%) that´s why she is not worth. She should put at least 50% of the financial thing.

LEAVE THEM BOTH AND MAKE A GOOD ARRANGEMENT TO CUSTODY AND KIDS TIME. THEN FIND REAL LOVE.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010):

Hello there. I'm older than you by 17 years and also have more kids than you, 6 to be exact, the most recent one with my mistress. For seven years I have been struggling with this problem and I have tried very hard to feel "right" about my mistress, whom my wife and kids all know about. While they accept her and the little girl from our relationship to an extent, I believe the problem reduces to me and what is going on in my own heart. My marriage is not as it should be and slowly my life is slipping away from me. My wife wants to take the kids back to the old country (we live in Africa) and very soon I may find myself with all the time I want to spend with my mistress, but missing my teenage girls growing up years. I'm still working on it, but I feel there is a good reason why most religions and most cultures warn us men to stick with the wife.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010):

He's been cheating for 6 years...and hasn't gotten caught, why bother stopping now? What would be the point? If the mistress isn't demanding he leave his wife, and his wife hasn't found out in 6 years (or she doesn't care cause most women aren't that dumb) then why rock the boat. There are 3 choices:

You stay with the wife, leave the gf and keep your mouth shut...til the next girl comes along that you'll cheat with...once a cheater, always a cheater

You leave the wife and head off with the girlfriend ending in child support, alimony, you losing your residence, probably only seeing your kids every other weekend (not a good chance at custody when your messing around caused the break up), and there is no guarantee that the new girlfriend won't do the same to you later....especially considering that she has no issue with cheating with you for 6 years (assuming she knew you were married, and if she didn't shes not that bright either). If shes cheating with you, she has the potential to be a cheater as well.

You leave well enough alone but tread lightly...if you tick the girlfriend off at any point she likely knows enough about you to cause all of the chaos mentioned above...and women are vindictive...yes, ALL women, regardless of what they tell you.

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A female reader, sarita_jones007 United States +, writes (3 June 2010):

are you people even thinking about what you are writing? this man has three kids with a woman who he has been with for years... speaking from someone who has cheated and has been cheated on... cheating is BAD, NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS... You married the woman, and vowed to be there in good times and bad... why would you make such a promise and not follow through? as far as i am concerned, you don't love her, and if you did, you would have told her already...years before this shit was posted on here... or you would not have done it at all. you are slime. get used to it, live up to it, and leave the poor woman. So you and you MUCh younger gf can have a splendid time ignoring the fact that your kids hate you, and so does your wife. I hope you get what you deserve, slimeball. I can't believe I wasted my time reading this, your wife deserves so much better, I hope you rot and get tortured and spend a long time dying a slow painful death.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010):

its unfair to your wife to have you cheating on all these years. if you haven't stopped, you will never stop until you get caught.

my suggestion is to leave her and set her free.

once you do that, thats when youll realize how much more you love her. you've done enough damage

if u really loved ur wife like you say you do, u would not be cheating on her.

whatever your reason is for cheating, its unjustifyable.

you didnt stop for years, you wont stop now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010):

You are being honest with yourself so be honest with them. Eventually your wife will find out and if you continue the relationship with your mistress at some point she may want more out of the relationship and this is where disaster takes place. My advice to you is to identify what you want and what will make you happy. Right now you are concern about everyone's happiness other than your own. Nothing remains constant one day you will have to choose or face the consequences of someonelse choosing leaving you with what's left. Make a decision now before you go any further.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010):

I have had a mistress for 23 years. I have been married for 30. It is simply about being selfish and controlling. I like having choices. When 1 doesn't interest me I have the other. I find that when I am with one I think about the other and visa versa. The controlling part is that I know my wife loves me and is not going anywhere. The sexual attraction is not strong any more so I don't feel threatened. The mistress can leave and I have to work harder to keep her closer. It is not all fun and games; very stressful and often very lonely. Many times I have wanted to leave my wife, but was afraid of that I would feel the day after and then be stuck with the mistress. As I said selfish and controlling. My advice that I cannot seem to follow is to pick one and go with her.

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A male reader, kahuna United Kingdom +, writes (16 December 2009):

Why do you allow yourself to get in such an emotional nightmare. When you first met and fell in love with your wife you promised her a fairy tale ending. You are her knight in shining armour, her 'officer and a gentleman' and you defend and protect her come what may. When you fell for your mistress you should NOT have romanticised your feelings. You should acknowledge that you felt an animal attraction for her, the call of the wild. If your mistress is not 'mistress material' i.e. a strong independant woman who knows what she wants and will use you as much as you are using her, then you will create TWO women to whom you have promised the fairy tale ending.

Have you even LIED to your mistress and given her all that old pony about how your wife 'deosn't understand you'?

You need to sit down with your mistress and put things right. Retract your promises and words of love and romance. You do not love her. You're using the word love as an excuse for what you're doing. Love is uncompromising and unconditional. What you feel is lust and passion and sure you care deeply for her safety and comfort but nevertheless you're simply protecting your investment with lies.

Find a woman who wants to be your mistress. One who sees the benefits of the arrangement for you can be damn sure there are plenty of benefits for the right woman.

Stop romanticising your natural instincts and be honest about this. Do not feel obliged to speak of pure animal lust and sexual desire with your mistress because you risk coming across as a sexual predator, a trophy hunter. That will put her right off you. Take the middle ground. Talk of respecting her and talk of the wonderful feelings she gives you, the amazing effect she has on you. Make yourself helpless to resist her. A true mistress feeds off those words and feelings.

Good Luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009):

Keep going with the affair you have been happy for 6 yrs? keep your mouth closed unloading your guilt will flush all you have worked down the toilet

Ok perhaps you end the affair you will be sad and the women sad. Tell your wife ? wife leaves you takes the house, kids hate you and then leave home and go to uni ! I live in france and they say " to have an affair is as normal as a long lunch here. everyone is happy now dont rock the boat

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009):

Well i hope all the readers don't jugde until they are in similar situation. I am having a mistress whom I love alot and she knows I love my wife and children. So far we just carry on this affair and makes us both very happy. I did not in my previous thought had even thought of cheating on my wife. After more than 10 years of having no love life and even begged the wife to solve her medical problems (which I believe is sovlvable with some will and consouling) and she didn't I slowly drifted to meet other female freinds. Never had an affair until the current mistress. I was so starved emotionally, yet didn't want to divorce her and see my children see the mess of divorcing. My mistress really needs me. I am supporting her 100% financially and she is currently in need of my help to legally battle with her ex for child support as well as custody. Some day the true will come out for the wife. My mistress understands we will be in this arrangement for a long time. Why she does not go with some one else? I am 20 years older than her and she has had several long relationship that did not worked out. She finally found some one older who understands her and accept her. It is not just sex that i love her. She fullfill some other missing emotional needs i don't find after I married my wife. Yes, I still love her. I even told to my mistress many times, but I don't have any romantic feelings for her anymore. I love her as my sister. It is sad, but I made a vow to take care of her; the mistress understand this. But what about to being true to my wife as promised in the marriage vow? I use to feel very guilty about this whole situation. But I don't anymore. I wife didn't do her part. My mistress also understands i am not seflfess. If decided to settle down with one permanent man and I won't with her, she can leave me. I will wish her well and I will see as loving thing that will found love with someone will give give her 100% of himself. I might be that one. But until than, I will keep loving both the best I can.

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A female reader, Love and Not to Love United States +, writes (10 June 2009):

what is life without taking care of your own happiness and needs first. not trying to be selfish or self serving. But it is true. Why is it that we have to lock ourselves in the so call "moral" prison and pretend everything is Okay? Who are we kidding or pleasing?

It is not a crime to want and be drawn to the person that makes us feel good (whatever that good may be). Having said that, by no means do I want to hurt anybody either. I guess the bottom line we need to be sensitive. whether you are the man or the mistress, be sensitive and understanding. For the man, you need to be careful and balance between the two women. As much as you do not want to hurt your wife you do not want to hurt your mistress either. Just because she is the mistress, she has as much feeling as anyone else. If fact, you need to be ultra sensitive and go out of your way to make her feel good and worth it....isn't it bad enough that you have to go home to your wife?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009):

First of all, ignore the people the preach morality, thats all bullocks. The golden rule in any socially deviant situation, with potential to create emotional havoc is this:

"What they don't know, doesn't hurt them."

Keep it quiet, make sure no one finds out, carry on being a good father, and provider, as well as a good lover (and I assume friend as well).

My only advice is to always remember one thing. You "Love" your family, but you are "In love" with your mistress. Ultimately love is more important, so if it comes down to choosing between those two, then I suggest you let go of the girl. But that is only in the unlikely event that your wife finds out, or is on the verge of finding out about your affair.

Don't feel guilty about what you are doing, loving people isn't selfish. So what if you have a bit of fun on the side? Its all good mate.

Hope that helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009):

42 year old male married for 18 yrs have daughters 17 and 15. wife is 40 , my mistress is 32 yrs old we are meeting for the last 4 years. she is the best women i ever met. She is mother of 2 and divorced. I had slept with many women after couple of years of marriage. never been with a person like my mistress. sex is the thing initially brought us together. we indulge in long weekneds with out getting out of our hotel room, she under stands my family staus and cooperates well. even checkes with me that i called my kids and wife and they are allright well looked after. she helpd resolve many personal and business matters which are tense and tough. Things are great. It all depends upon the woemen who is your mistress. mine is honest loving and intelligent. she clearly knows how can we carryon this relationship with out any trouble anywhere.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008):

Well I am the other woman too - but my boyfriend lives here in the states and still sends money back to wifey and kids - kids are 19 and 23... He spends money on me going out but spends all of his time in my home and expects me to spend money on projects that he starts...help feeling very resentful..he spends all of his time at my home every weekend!!!

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A female reader, Jen5275 United States +, writes (7 July 2008):

Well, like a few other posters, I am in this situation as the mistress. It is really quite painful and heart wrenching, wondering what that man you love is doing right now, at home with his wife. We only live once, and why live it with somebody you're not "in" love with. Get the divorce, and go to the woman you are truly more happy with. It may be crummy at first, but dont you want to be happy? Forget about everyone else.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008):

I feel for this guy because I'm in exactly the same boat as he is... I'm 41, my wife is 42 and my two girls are 12 and 14... My wife will admit that we haven't been in love almost from when my first daughter was born. We love our kids a lot. I'm a good provider and I want my children to be happy and well adjusted as does my wife. I've asked for a separation and even recently asked for a divorce. Even though she admits that we don't love each other she really won't let me move on with a divorce either. She has basically said the kids are better off with both of us in the same household taking care of the kids...

That being said I'm now 8 months into an amazing relationship with a woman who is also my junior of 12 years and she is the first person who I can say I want to spend the rest of my life taking care of... Her father and mother were divorced at around the time when she was the same age as my kids and has indicated that it really hurt her and as a result she has indicated that she thinks it better for me to try to repair my primary relationship with my wife, however we continue to sleep together and see each other regularly. It has become a bit more challenging for her recently as she has had to explain to some friends and even some family my being in her life and that part has been extremely challenging for her...

Ultimately if she would accept me and my two beautiful girls into her life then I would ultimately move to make the divorce happen, however at this point I don't think I'll ever meet someone as amazing as this person, so if she doesn't make this decision in my favor I will ultimately regroup with my existing family and wait until the kids are out of school at which point my wife and I have already agreed would be a good time for a divorce.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008):

I'm not sure how it happened but over the last couple of months i have become the mistress and we to love each other. The fact that you were not happy in your marriage and choose to emotionally move on to another woman says that you need to take a long look at who is going to make you happy ten years from now. Your family is your family while they might be hurt everyone heels and one day your kids will understand. As long as your still there for them after the decision has been made. You can't make anyone else happy until you figure out what you want and make your self happy. And on behalf of all the mistress, make a decision it is hell not knowing if or when your going to come to your senses and leave us.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

Don't you think you should have thought about that before you starting sleepng around. You say you love your wife, but be honest, were you "loving" her while you were "loving" your mistress. You are a very self-serving person who no longer deserves the family you created. Your wife deserves better than a cheater; your children deserve a better role model than you. You and your mistress "deserve" each other and the life you will have from now on. No good can come of a relationship built on lies, dishonesty, and shelfishness. Let you wife go and find herself a "true" man, not some immature child like yourself who was willing to through not only his life away, but to detroy his wife and childen's life in the process.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):

I don't know how exactly it happened but I myself became a mistress. The man I fell in love with seemed to also be torn between me and his wife. He told me numerous times that he loved me and would do anything for me. I was also aware that he loved his wife and his child. My best advice here is just be open and honest with both women. Figure out what the heck you really want and stick with one. It is selfish and immature of you to play both of these women, and regardless if your mistress knows she is a mistress, you are still playing with her heart and her feelings. It is also unfair of you to ask both of these women to be loyal and faithful to you since you are not being loyal or faithful to either of them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008):

Most of the time is isn’t about who you would rather be with. It’s about can you afford to leave. Will it be easy to live different lives, can your wife take care of her self and the children, if any? Or can you afford two house holds? If the answer is yes, leave. Leave now and hope your mistress will be able to do the same. That is; if she too, can leave her family and support them, etc. If you could keep every thing in your life, except your wife (exchange your wife for your mistress) would you then; be happy? Yes, and then leave! If you can honestly answer yes, then your spouse deserves the right to grieve you, and move on. Think of the big picture; are you comfortable in your current situation? Is this comfort a need or want? Can I accept the consequence of my actions, (people always assume consequences are bad) they can have a bitter-sweet effect. Most people stay with their spouse out of fear of change. In order to fulfill yourself, and gain life experience; you have to LIVE! Meet your basic needs and always move forward. Sometimes you find some one to can mover forward with, some must stay behind. They have lost their glory (in your life) and need to be able to overcome and triumph some other day. It is not easy, and if you are leaving for the secret Mr. or Ms. in your life make sure you are on the same page. Be prepared for the worst, because if you don’t be 100% truthful with your self and the people that will inadvertently feel the effect of your decision; you will have a very bumpy road a head, nothing good will come your way for a long time. However, the truth will set you free.

Don’t stay out of guilt or fear. At the time it hurts and hurts bad, one of those kinds of hurts that nothing subsides the pain. It is a forever thought in your mind, that life will never be joyful again. Go break some 16th century china that: great great, great granny gave to your mom so many blah, blah blah BS right up against the wall, AND FEEL BETTER.

Your not happy, find a way to be happy, make your self happy. No one will do it for you. If people get emotionally bruised, they will heal. If they don’t they need therapy. Grieving the loss of any important “thing” is a process. Deal and move forward, even if in some areas of your life you may need to step back.

Good Luck!

You can say just about anything with a Smile?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008):

Sounds like you have a great situation. A clueless wife and a mistress who's willing to stick around for 6 years? Why would you change a thing? Sounds like you've got it all, two women who've been taking in by you. Congratulations!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007):

hahaha

sorry, i shouldn't laugh, but the other woman's answer of 'twat' is amusing, if not true.

yes that is such a twat thing to do.

ask yourself why you love your wife. why did you marry her? and how did it happen that you let your role as a husband degenerate into a role as cheating husband?

then think of your kids. when i was fifteen and found out my father had a near thing to an affair, i was repulsed by my dad, because in my eyes my dad had always been an honest man, with moral values. finding out that he was weak in such ways made me think of him exactly that way. Weak.

now think of your mistress. ten years younger, with a whole life before her and in love with a man who she can never really be with. its true, she can't; i mean think about it, you gave yourself to three kids and a wife. if you lose either, do you think you'll be able to retreive those parts of yourself easily?

i'm assuming your mistress knows that you are married.

if she doesn't, then you should take your first step to being a man about this thing and tell her. i mean, really, its childish if you think about it; you began this affair by throwing all caution and responsibility to the wind, you disregarded the effect of this affair on your children and your wife as people, and you just gave yourself over to pleasure, desire and your want for enjoyment - that isn't very noble or manly in any sense.

anyways, if your mistress does know, you have one advantage. even though she isn't supposed to be your support (your wife is) she can support you through what ever you have to do to make this right.

think about what you want this to come out as. you on a romantic elope with a woman ten yrs younger than you through the country, which is going to eventually come over the honeymoon side and into all the snoring and farts and bickering. or work through your mistake with your wife, and have a chance to make your marriage stronger, with more trust, more communication, and a lifetime, once again, ahead of you. i don't know, your choices have to be something like that.

well, then explain everything to your mistress, why you are afraid for your children, yourself and everything possible about this mess. tell her that you love her, that despite everything you do. but think, please think, about who you love as a friend, and who you love deeply to your heart and who you'd love to see by your side for the rest of your life as a partner. if you believe in heaven, think of who you'd want to see by your side there too, without the guilt or anger or anything.

when you do decide, tell your mistress this. i do not doubt that you love this woman, but if she plays the lower role, tell her you love her as a friend, and that she fills the role as a lover. thats actually kind of harsh. but say something along those lines.

when she gets angry, when she avoids you bear it. if she nods slowly and says i understand, be thankful you found this type of friend.

however, as a friend, think of her benifit of leaving you. she won't have to settle for a friend, but if she's lucky she'll find a person much closer to her age, and who is on the same page of her in life. maybe he can play the role in her heart, as your wife plays in yours, just without affair type deal. make her see all of this, and keep loyal to her as you would to a any other friend. she spent six year with you, how can she not deserve this role as a friend?

with her you will discuss everything about your wife and your fears and all the things of this mess, and bout how you want to clean up this mess. tell her why you love your wife so much, and why you love you children so much. if you want to properly settle this issue, you will have to own up to it.

so with your friend and lover for support, slowly, slowly talk to your wife. don't come out with this affair right away. what you should do is build on your relationship, make it work, talk more communicate, everything you haven't done for the past fifteen of so years.

if you know why you love your wife, let her know this, someway and somehow. let her know every reason. if you've resolved you never want to leave your wife, let her know this too. both by letting her know every reason you love her, and by letting her know that no matter what thing ever happens, you couldn't leave her without tearing yourself apart.

if your lucky, your friend will stand by you and encourage this, and will help support you through this.

if not, she will disapear, and you will have to find the courage inside your self to get through this.

if your really unlucky, in step 1, she will have gotten cold feet and told your wife everything.

so all in all, you have to work on your marriage until your sure that it is strong enough to withstand the knowledge of an affair.

if you don't do things quite right, or if karma kicks in decides that you don't deserve your wife, it won't work out.

but read up on it, read up on everything, and find a way to be a better husband, and find a way to have a really good marriage. if you really love your kids and wife, you will do everything you can to make your marriage stronger.

after you do, then you can begin putting in ingrediants to the marriage like honesty. you can explain to her your affair, your friend, and why you chose to end it and everything. throughout the whole thing, you have to realize what it would it would be like if you had to leave her and you have to remind her that you love her. and when is say explain to her, i don't mean just blurt out 'i had and affair' and wait for a blow up. i mean, start from end to finish,with all the why's and what's. start slow maybe, and ask her, would you love me no matter what? then if she says yes, start your affair like a story, with the story beginning all the way from your newly wed years. tell her what you expected in those years, the bliss of those year(s), and slowly work your way to the affair. tell her what you wish you had said, what you wish you had asked when you were ten years younger. tell her what you wish you had been six years earlier. then tell her how you met this girl. and how it came to be, first a innocent relationship, all the way to the point that you couldn't help but look at her. make her see your point of veiw as a man who didn't know what he was getting into, who was weak, and all the while, i imagine, very guilty. then tell her how you began to be with this woman.

once you get the chance, then tell her how you lived for six some years, and then why you decided to end it. then tell her how you ended it.

through the whole time, make her see from your point of veiw, becasue in such a conversation, emotions can rise, what you say may be skewed by her grief/anger and what you hope to come out of what you say may be completey lost and how you say it may be later used against you.

say if your marriage is a miserable wreck as of now, you have to think of how you wish it was like it once was- with that thought, you can fuel your determination to make it stronger

if you love your friend, you will set her free and be her friend till long after this affair is over. i hope you end it, for your wife's sake and your kid's sake. and in time, if you end it right for you and your marriage's sake.

well, good luck.

and god bless.

may you find what your heart desires.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007):

you are a complete twat how can you do that to your own family.

If you love your wife and kids then ditch the mistress don't put your family thought that it's mean and cruel.

Does't matter how much you love your mistress family comes first you make me sick how could do that to them you just greedy and selfish I hope you lose everything.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007):

My answer to your question is do not buy cake, having had this done to me if your wife finds out I am sure you will see a return to the firey woman she once was and i am sure that you miss and just remember if she starts a new relationship some one else will get the excitment that you once had, how will you fell then o'h I know go and buy a nice comfort cake

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007):

You are in a very difficult situation and I have been there more than once! I believe that many people stay in relationships more out of need and fear of being alone rather than real love. Too often, marriages/partnerships stay intact for all the "less than ideal" reasons. Finances, children, status, in-laws, religion, social/cultural values, expectations, fear, familiarity, security, preditability, (Did I mention FEAR?... it's worth repeating) and a plethera of other reasons keep people in long term relationships.

Love,excitement,adventure,fun,mystery,intrique,newness,

unpredictibility, passion, laughter, romance, respect, affection, admiration, attention, sex, desire, and appreciation are unfortunately elements that have a tendency to dwindle in long term relationships. Sad yes... but most often... true. These are just a smattering of things which may cause one to feel the need to "explore". After all, weren't these things present early on in the primary relationship? Where on earth did they go? They did exist, it wasn't my imagination was it? Hmmm...let me go find all those wonderful things that "felt" so good. A shallow thing to do? I think not...perfectly understandable!

Why do we spend so much time focusing on fidelity (or the lack of it) in our primary relationships? Would it not be better to focus on the previously mentioned items that fall by the wayside... (the presence or lack there of) within our relationships? Our focus is sooo narrow! To love, honor and cherish...yeah...those "vows" get broken frequently, yet no one says anything reagrding those broken vows. But... cheating, infidelity, sex with someone else..oooo, how horrible... everyone is in a tizzy and has an opinioin and it's usually not a good one. Probably because they've never been there! You know " the moccasins"...if you haven't walked in them...blah, blah, blah.

Look, we all "should" know that it takes real effort and energy to keep a long term relationship as fabulous as it was when it began. Placing our attention and energy on other things (career, status, a new house, family etc.) will definitely have an impact upon your relatioinship. How could it not? It is very difficult to have it all..."something's gotta give" and before we add things into our lives it would be a good idea to recognize all the possibilities and consequences of our decisions.

I say, don't beat yourself up for wanting what most people want...their cake and eat it too! It's really not a bad concept...after all...why have cake if you can't eat it? It definitely would be nice if we could have our cake and eat it all in the same place, with the same person, right? But many things can get in the way of that...again... sad, but true!

The is always risk in life...sometimes it's well worth the risk and sometimes it's not. You are the only one that can make that decision. All the best!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007):

you don't mention how your mistress feels about the situation? if she's happy to continue then why don't you do that? if your wife finds out chances are she'll want you to leave as any woman with an ounce of self worth would - you can't tell her as this would just hurt her unnecessarily. if your children discover what you've been up to they too will be devastated. wait until they leave home and then decide which woman, if any you'd prefer to be with. this way, your children get to grow up with both parents. when they're old enough to leave home it won't affect them too much.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007):

I am in a three way relationship, am married for 15 years and have a mistress my wife knows about.

I think you need to talk to your wife.

If you are going to continue the relationship and be fair to both women you need to talk to your wife and tell her what is going on and tell how you feel.

When my wife found out about my affair I was very surprised that she did not want to get divorced.

But really I think you need to be totally honest with everybody involved.

If you want to have more than one lover, then you need to let them know so then can make informed decisisons.

I think some of the posts above are a bit too simplistic when they say 'ditch the other woman', because I find that I am much happier in my marriage now, my wife is much happier and i am a much better father now that I have my lover. My lover was in an unhappy marriage and now she is very happy as my mistress.

It sounds very strange to us westerners to hear such situations, but my feeling is that being honest to yourself and others will be the best course.

If you keep lying the damage will be greater. If you lie to yourself about how you feel about these women then you will all suffer.

Good luck,

If you wife will accept your lover, then three of you can have a wonderful life. I mean really wonderful!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007):

Think fast...make a decision...your "mistress" is about to walk!!! If you are still not ready to leave your wife then don't!! But if that's the case, AND you REALLY LOVE your mistress then push her away and let her walk. But, if you are not ready to do that either, then...be ready for things to get UGLY. "Mistress" will start to get angry...wife will start to get suspicious and your "lovely life" will explode in your face, and your kids will resent you for not being the STAND-UP guy they think you are. And all of this for your complete and utter selfishness and stupidity??? Think about this...who can you see yourself growing old with? who can bring out the best person in "YOU"? who gives you butterflies in your stomach? who meets your needs-Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually? yes...I intentionally left out the word financially, because no matter how much money you have "Money can NEVER buy Happiness" Surprised??? YOU SHOULDN'T BE!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007):

i think its wrong. i just recently found out that the guy ive been sleeping with for 8 yrs is married had no clue so u shouldnt do it.. if you love your wife stop cheating.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007):

Everyone on this forum, except one, is giving you advice that are deeply influenced by their judeo-christian upbringing.

They think they know the truth. And their truth is monogamy for life. Is this natural?

Biologically it is only normal for human beings (both male and female) to be attracted physically or/and mentally to different people over a long period of time.

Moreover, if we are lucky we would live on average to be 83 years old and then it is death, and then what?

Have fun! Enjoy your wife, your children and your mistresses. Love them, be giving, be generous emotionally and financially. However, don’t hurt them, if you can. And leave your mistress if you feel that your wife suspects it.

However, you must also be understanding if your wife has an affair.

The most important thing are the children. Love them, enjoy them, they are the future and once they are adults they will face the same problems.

There is no formula here. Believe in your feelings.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007):

I'm just curious if he really wanted to change and really wanted to make a choice and deal with the consequences good and bad or just want to unload some of his guilt so he could continue using two women?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007):

I'm 25-year female and got into a relationship like this, and it is really hard to get out of it. In addition to having a wife and kids this guy is very powerful, and he can easily ruin my career if I leave him. This lasts for 2 years already - I receive e-mails from him saying sweet words and how he loves me, and I have to pretend I believe this bullshit, and to reply in the same manner. And the worst thing is that I'm still attracted to him - this guy seems to be really experienced in this kind of relationships. I wouldn't be surprised if he has several more mistresses like me. I don't want to waste my best years on this selfish guy, but it seems I have no choice.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007):

Hmmm.I think your problem here is you have no balls and you want the best of both worlds.You get to play The good family guy and have your fun on the side.To let it go on this long suggests you really have no respect for either woman.How have you hidden your affair for so long?If you TRULY loved both these women you would be MAN and make a decision.Most people will have pity on your wife,which I understand,but I can't believe she doesn't suspect anything.If she does and hasn't confronted you then she must take responsibility for her role in the deception.I do however think you're a bastard for wasting the time of a young woman who should be making the most of her 20's exploring all life has to offer,not being tied to a man who will probably just flick her after all these years of anyway.The fact you're writing to a nameless forum to help you with your decision says it all.You know what,you should let both these good women go.Let them go and find men that will be dedictated and give them everything.Go land learn what it feels like to be on your own you selfish prick.Stop your manipulations and promises and time wasting.What makes you think you're so great that you deserve either of them anyway

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A male reader, Chris_kao Bolivia +, writes (19 June 2007):

I am a 40 years old man, I am married for 16 years and have got 3 daughters, 6, 12, 14. The problrm is that I do not love my wife, I only have learnt to appreciate her, because of she is a good mother and she improved herself a lot. Also, I met a girl, who is 10 years younger than me; she has all I want in a woman. Since I do not love my wife, I would like to leave her, but, I do not want to hurt my children, I know it would be terrible for them if I leave my home but, I have lived with no love for more than 10 years and I need to love. I live in a very small town, where it will be impossible to keep my mistress hidden so, I have to take a decission; or I leave my home or I leave my mistress.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007):

honey

first of all if you really loved your wife you would of never cheated on her.believe it or not you already hurt her and you. you hvae to decide who do you love more your family or your affair? and to have a healthy relationship you have to be honest! and faithful.

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A female reader, goodlistener United Kingdom +, writes (6 June 2007):

You really do need to make up your mind, not just for your sake, if you love these two people you will not want to hurt them anymore than they need to be. If you don't choose then you might end up with nothing.

Good luck honey!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thank you for all your answers.Keep up the good work in helping others like myself.I promise to take a long hard look at myself and let you know how things get on.love to you all

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A male reader, Prik Belgium +, writes (6 June 2007):

Prik agony auntIf you don't want to see your children get hurt then STOP seeing that mistress of yours. You've broken a vase but you can still glue it together.

Stop being selfish and give her up for your wife and children, for christ's sake!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007):

Hun, infidelity is usually a huge indicator that one's marriage is in trouble. If your marriage was in trouble, it should've been bad enough to end it without another woman coming into your life. Six years ago marriage counseling with your wife might have led to an newfound happy resolvement where you and she could've found the strength together to retain the love, the bond and solidarity needed to keep your family happy and intact. Instead you chose to have an affair and involve another woman. This is the sad tragedy of your actions. And now, here you sit..torn between women you love. My suggestion, keep your marriage and love your family strong. Let the mistress go. You have a good wife at home who is raising the most important people you will ever love...your 3 children. Ending the marriage will hurt them. You know that. So this is not a situation of being torn between just 2 women. It's a situation of being torn between a mistress, a wife and three innocents who shouldn't have to forever be hurt with the legacy of having a father who did not love their Mother enough to remain within the family and work hard at his marriage. If you decide to choose the mistress, all you will have is a woman who didn't have the foresight and maturity to abstain from involving herself with another's woman's husband.

Take the feelings of excitement, the sexual thrills for the mistress out of this. This is only your self-involved attitude coming out. You own that..it's part of you. The first big question you need to ask yourself, is whether you and your wife love each other and want to remain married. It's time to think in a new way..attain a new attitude of becoming an 'other-involved' man and put your marriage and family, first. The real sad thing about all this..is how you set into motion, a series of events that led you to this. I don't understand how you can tell us now, that you don't really wish to end your marriage and that you are torn between these 2 women. If you love your wife and kids and never had a wish to end the marriage why in god's name did you you undertake this,destructive, marriage ending behavior? You really only thought of yourself and all I can say is, one's selfishness and greediness can cause a guy to lose everything. Hope you make the most honorable decision and I think you need individual counseling to find out why your conscience didn't kick in, when the opportunity came up, to commit this act of unfaithfulness to your wife and family. After you have done that..get into marriage counseling with your wife to learn the skills a man needs, to becoming a more unselfish, giving partner. You marriage and family can be saved or not. It's your choice...which is more important to you? Take care and good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007):

There is no way you and the supplemental have a great relationship so one, stop lying to yourself and just lying in general. Two, resentment is building in the extra martial affair and the other woman is more than likely putting demands on you to make up your mind. You love her or you love me-choose. This is a woman's nature.

WE WOMAN WANT, DESIRE AND DESERVE fidelity, loyalty, commitment, respect, acceptance, caring, understanding, devotion, validation, reassurance.

YOU ARE CLEARLY dropping the ball on all of these with both women. There is no way you can fulfill these so don't try to come on here and sell anyone about how great things are...for you maybe but that's because you lean more towards the self serving side of male centredness.

Unfortunately, little does the 26 year old know, that she has- by your male self motivated view, already committed to being someone that will never get his loyalty, his full respect, his full attention, his full "LOVE". You already deemed her unworthy of this and categorized her as the other meat alternative when you grow tired of the wife and all the responsibilities of the adult world.

Fear motivated decisions have the suckiest consequences attached to them. And you and the supplemental have big time fears that have lead you to the stupidity mess that brings little peace-there is so much heartache, grief, guilt, anger, and more fear.

GET THEE TO COUNSELLING To address why the hell you would do this to yourself and your loving, trusting family.

Time to do what is right and make a stinking choice.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007):

You do not love your wife, your used to your wife, to the routine, because she's a good woman, you're there because you don't have the heart to leave her, the guilt doesn't let you leave her. Answer yourself this, who would you rather see move on with their lives with a new man, your wife or your mistress? And there is your answer. You need to make up your mind for everyone's sake. Your wife is still young, give her the opportunity to find happiness, a faithful man. And as for kids, they grow up and move on, just always let them know you love them and take care of them financially.

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A female reader, cleo1312 United Kingdom +, writes (6 June 2007):

Youve been cheating on your wife for 6 years!!!, how can you claim you love her imagine how she will feel when she finds out, and your kids are teenagers the turmoil they will go through, you need to decide which life you want you cant have your cake and eat it whatever you do everyones going to get hurt, make sure if you leave your wife and kids you pay child support.

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A female reader, cuttieicy Philippines +, writes (6 June 2007):

cuttieicy agony auntYou know i have lots of friends is in your shoes i advice them to love thier family why. because i was a product of divorce you how much i hate my dad.Same as you are when your family found out your life maybe miserable.Sacrifice for the sake of the children. That is the major problem in family right . I respect your decisions but dont let the kids suffer they are teens right now they might be rebels.Unless your going to change your religion in Muslims.of course.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (6 June 2007):

eyeswideopen agony auntAwwww poor you. You are about to destroy 4 people's lives and you are expecting sympathy? You know exactly what you should do, if you don't then you are a total sociopath. Straighten up and fly right. My deepest sympathy to your lovely wife and great kids they deserve so much better.

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A female reader, yasmin_x  +, writes (6 June 2007):

yasmin_x agony auntI can kind of relate to your problem, however mine is a little easier. I am in a 3 way relationship with 2 people who are married. Most people would question your loyalty or even frown apon the fact you are "cheating" on your wife and family. However, in my own opinion I do not believe you can truly love 2 people at the same time. Ask yourself the way you feel with both of them, for example: when you are with your wife is the feeling you have for her maternal,motherly, kind of life partner ? and your mistress: fun, loving, breath of fresh air? What are the differences between the two? The real fact of the matter is, i believe that 3 people can work together in a relationship IF they ALL want to, However, I do believe at one point , Your wife will find out. I hate to tell you this but I really feel you should make a choice. You never know if you could all work it out together! The man I am seeing and his wife all accept we are together, so perhaps you could try that approach

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007):

Soory but you are very selfish and you only really love yourself. You should give up your extra relationship and stop being greedy. I don't think you really love your wife and children at all, it is cruelty and gluttony diguised as love.

You can't make it better by being sorry about it, you can make it better by doing something about it - which you have not done for 6 years. You are wasting you extra woman's life and reducing her chance of ever settling and having a family of her own. It is also her own silly fault of course.

If your wife made you unhappy and you left her for your extra that would be one thing. Keeping them both going for your own satisfaction is completely unacceptible and completely self-interested. You may feel bad about it but that is just rather pathetic. There are other people in this situation whose life you are guardian over and responsible for. THEY should come first, not you.

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