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I love my husband but I'm not "in love" with him. How can I get the passion back in time?

Tagged as: Faded love, Love stories, Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 October 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 24 April 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

hi i wonder if anyone can give me some advice, ive been with my fiance for 4 years and we have a beautiful baby boy together, i was happy until about a year ago when i started feeling differently about him, he is the most kind caring man in the world but the passion in our relationship is not existant anymore and im worried im not attracted to him in the same way anymore. We laugh all the time and their isnt a day that goes by where i dont thank god for blessing me with such a lovely life but things have gone stale, i have even started thinking that maybe i am not inlove with him anymore, i know i love him but loving someone is so different to being in love! ive started looking at other men who i find more attractive than my partner, even one of our very closet friends, i feel so guilty for feeling like this its tearing me apart! but i cant help the way im feeling, if only i could! im so scared that if we dont get our spark back that its going to end our relationship, i cant take much more of it. Our sex life is almost non existant because im just not interested, not because my sex drive is low or because i dont enjoy it because i really do! just the fact that im not turned on by him anymore, its driving me crazy, i look at our best friend and think how attracted i am to him, i would never and have never cheated on my partner, im not like that, i know the grass isnt always greener! its just driving me nuts, im starting to think that theres nothing else i can do, i wish more than anything that i could look at him and still fancy him but i just dont, please give me some advice, i really dont want to lose a good thing

View related questions: best friend, fiance, sex drive, sex life, spark

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A female reader, Deva14 United States +, writes (24 April 2009):

Oh my goodness the answer above mine is absolutely the best thing I've ever heard about falling in love. Thanks sooooo much

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008):

I am COMPLETELY in the same boat as you, well minus the child. I'm 30 and I've been married for 2 years and with him for seven. I do love him and everything about him and what he stands for but the passion pretty much non existent. I find myself looking at men and fantasizing about them and wonder if I am in the right relationship. Then I think of how great we're together... it makes me feel like a lunatic because I'm so confused and back and forth... Somedays I think I want to have a baby with him and others I think it would be a mistake... I've been seeing a therapist which helps a bit but I'm not convinced it will work in the long run... I've talked to a few of my very close girlfriends and they said it is not uncommon in a long term relationship and that you need to focus on all of the positives in your relationship and work on the passion. Sometimes it's easier said then done - I go back and forth daily and have done so for the past 8 months - I'm just really hoping this feeling will pass and that we will get the passion back....it takes a lot of energy out of you when you're so stressed...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008):

Hello. I have read your message, and I feel I can help you. After reading it many times, I have some things to tell you: if you really love him, but not in love as you said, which you consider is "lack" of passion, that's because you have to break the routine you might be having together in life. Try some new things like traveling together alone. If you really love him as you said, you cannot just stop loving him for no reason. But if you feel you want to end the relation, that means you don't love him, simply. So, if you feel deep inside you that you love him, and you are sure mentally and in your heart about that, as I suggested, go you both alone some place, try to travel (leave the kids with your parents for few days) and experience new things both of you together.

Let me know if you need further help, I will be happy to reply.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008):

It's time to take your marriage/life to the next level. You sound bored. But a wise person told me life is boring if we make it boring. Have you put any dreams on hold? Maybe you need to take a risk in your marriage, career, or something you've dreamed about doing. (when I say marriage, I mean being Truthful with him...sometimes in a 'best friend' marriage, there's avoidance on Real Issues for fear of confrontation...but you know, a 'mature' heart to heart talk puts passion back in a marriage. So I ask you to reconsider having an affair (which most of the time is a Big Let Down, and start Enriching your life with new experiences.

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A female reader, Gingirl United States +, writes (8 October 2008):

What really is the good thing? It sounds like he is your best friend. You laugh, you trust him, he trust you, there is a commitment. What is missing is communication. You need to be honest. Say "hey, there is something missing. Can you help me to fix it." Men can't fix something they don't know is broke. You are young, you may be going through changes. As an idea, try spliting up for a bit. NOT BREAKING UP. Don't talk to each other for a few days. Stay at a friends house, do your own thing, while he does his. In the few days you should know what you want and what he wants. If you don't figure it out, not only will it hurt you and your guy, but your child also, which is the most important factor in this.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008):

I'm sorry if I sound patronizing, but you are just too young to be feeling that!! :)

Eventually in any marriage, I suppose, you stop being in love (I heard it's unhealthy to be in love for more than a year - your body is just too stressed :) and develop deeper more earthy feelings of belonging, deep friendship, understanding, security, being a unit etc. which, I suppose, qualify as love.

And if you haven't had enough excitment of 'being in love' before you married, you might start missing the exhilaration and getting bored with the quietness of love to your husband.

"In love" is like the ignition. You need it to start the engine of love. If the ignition doesn't start the engine, you move on. If you've had the engine started, you don't need the ignition anymore untill it starts to stall... But that's when you've had enough of 'ignitions'... if you follow me.

So. My advice? Get a crush on someone, don't act on it, just live the 'ignition'. Be excited for a while. Then let it pass and get back to your life with your husband...

Good luck.

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