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I love my husband but don't know how long I can keep carrying everything on my back!

Tagged as: Faded love, Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 April 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, *ifeyshuford writes:

Not sure if this is really a question or just needing to vent but I could use some advice. I'm just feeling very worthless in my marriage. I feel like he's always mad at me and my kids and nothing we do is ever good enough. Like I go shopping after working all day and I forget milk. It doesn't matter that I worked all day (He doesn't work) and then came home got all 3 kids so he could get a break and got a car load of groceries but I forget one thing and he freaks out and turns it into me not caring about him or his needs. But I never feels he cares about my needs. It's all about how he feels and what he wants. My daughter's chore is taking out garbage and if she leaves a couple things on floor by trash can it's an hour long lecture about taking care of your responsibilities and helping around house. If one little thing isn't how he wants it it's this big deal and argument. But he doesn't help at all!. Yes he watches baby every day and the girls when theres no school but it's not like I'm out partying. I'm working to pay our bills to give him what he needs yet when I get home he's the one complaining and disappearing and leaving me all house chores and dealing with all 3 kids. It's my fault house is dirty even tho he's the one at home all day playing video games instead of helping me. I love my husband but I don't how much longer I can carry everything on my back. He even has the nerve to get mad at me about all our financial issues. Well I'm the only one working and I work hard for as many hours as I can get. I had strep throat last week and has to take a day off and it turned into me always trying to get our out of my responsibilities. How? I work in a nursing home. I can't go to work while I'm contagious! I just don't know what to do anymore. Sorry so long I'm just really struggling to keep trying anymore

View related questions: a break, video games

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (15 April 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntRole reversal never sits well with most men as they're usually the breadwinner and leave the ever important nurturing to his spouse. Sure enough it's still a team effort in any marriage when times are tested... the true colours of who we really married can be disappointing to see, especially when we're either sick, need support or TLC?

However just because his circumstances have changed there is no excuse or need to decapitate you for forgetting the milk or anything else so petty; as it doesn’t fix the situation. It shows lack of appreciation and respect of which need not be tolerated. A swift firm reminder of how you wish to spoken to should be said.

Certainly you’ll need to stop pretending you can do it all and tell him so... I know you don’t want to upset your husband by telling him to get off his backside, tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself or whatever the case maybe, however this is not doing you a service as he’ll keep on barking orders (blaming) you.

If he’s generally been an approachable reasonable man I would hope you could still discuss those troublesome issues that have arisen? If not you’ll have to state your findings as he’s acting like a tyrant, making everyone walk on egg shells (which is reserved for Easter Sunday).

Take Care – CAA

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2017):

This man is totally abusive. He's not stupid. He knows that what he is doing is grossly unfair to you, but he does it to make sure you are brow beaten enough to not be able to stand up to his abuse.

His behaviour is classic abusive behaviour. I advise you read about abuse so that you understand it. Many people would think that their partner is not abusive if they don't hit them or frighten them, but there are lots of different types of abuse and this is one of them. After you've read up about it, it will help you to make an informed choice about what your next step is. Someone who treats you with zero love and respect deserves nothing back. I would advise you to leave. Your children must be unhappy in his presence and in this environment.

PLEASE do not go to counselling with him as therapists are not trained in abuse (even if they say they are) unless they are affiliated to Refuge or The Freedom Programme. Therapists are trained that ANY problems in a relationship are 50/50 fault wise. In an abusive relationship this is simply not the case. Partners of abusive people are generally very submissive because they are just trying to keep the peace all the time.

A therapist will be trying to find fault with you and your husband will be able to blame you for more and will give him more ammunition to behave in this unacceptable fashion.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 April 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think most of the anger he vents in your direction is actually really about himself. HE feels useless. Because he kind of IS useless and you have ENABLED him to not participate to a bigger degree, HE has taken FULL advantage of it.

BUT he IS unhappy about himself, it is EASIER to take it out on you than for him to MAN up, and either BE a proper stay-at-home-day OR get off his ass and GET a job. My guess is he feels emasculated (This is NOT your doing but his own) Again, EASIER to blame you.

Personally, I'd ask someone to watch the kids a few hours and sit him down and make a plan. A plan where HE gets a job and helps with the finances and you two SHARE the chores at home, with the kids and the bills OR you leave.

You could probably get more help being a single mom of 3 than having him as the proverbial "millstone" around your neck.

This is making NEITHER of you happy.

And this is NOT an issue you can fix on your own he NEEDS to get off his ass and pitch in, one way or another. YOU need to be the one to bring it up though.

Think about WHAT you want, then talk, then see what happens.

And have a timeline for this. Give him XX months to get a job, make a chore list and split it. IF he isn't doing squat but playing video games all day, CUT the internet or sell the Xbox. OYU are not his mother, and he isn't a teenager no more.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (15 April 2017):

I don't know why anyone would put up with this abuse. I feel for you clearly he has beaten you down so much that you have no self respect left and that is so sad.

You need to ask yourself would you be better off with this guy or without him. Then go see a lawyer and Dump The MF Already.

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