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I love my girlfriend so much, but she has broken up with me and won't let me help her with her depression!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2010) 4 Answers - (Newest, 9 November 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

okay so me and my girlfreind have been on and off now for 2 years, she is the love of my life i care for her so so much. the reason we have been on and off is because she suffers with depression and when she gets it she thinks it is in both our intrests to stop seeing eachother eventhough i want to be there for her and support her. i dont no what to do for the best, we recently split up because she has deppression again, she wont let me into her life to help and support her, everyone i know is telling me to stay away enough is enough because i have been hurt so many times by this girl but all i want to do is stand by and help her, i really have no idea what to do for the best, do you think i should stay and try to help her through this eventhough she has asked me to leave her or do you think i should move on and get on with my life because i keep getting hurt by her. i really dont want to lose her as i love her so so much please help x

View related questions: move on, split up

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010):

Her pushing you away is the depression talking or simply her way of saying she wants to end the relationship. You can't fix her depression but many people are in relationships with someone who suffers from depression and happy.

At this point in time, the best you can do for her is be a friend to her and encourage her to seek help. If you want to give the relationship another go you should try and make her understand you love her no matter what. If you're just trying to fix her you need to understand that depression is a personal battle. You can offer love and support to the person suffering from this illness but its their battle. Medication can help symthoms but from family experience, I would recomend conselling for a long term solution/coping tools.

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (9 November 2010):

tennisstar88 agony auntThe last thing she needs is for you to try to help her. She's specified that now's not the time for a relationship and everyone else is telling you to stay away. Listen. I know you have good intentions but you can't fix what's broken in her.

Instead urge her to seek professional help for her depression. If she's been depressed for quite some time then she would benefit from therapy and medication. Then she can be on the right track to getting better, but that's going to take quite some time. Just back off, keep it as friends that's enough support, and move on with your life. Sorry but you're just not qualified to help her.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (8 November 2010):

chigirl agony auntI want to ask, how do you think you can help her? In what way do you want her to let you in her life? Why should you be with her?

Everyone tells you to stay away, but you should never listen to what others tell you. If you love her, and she makes you happy, then that is worth fighting for. If you are not happy with her however, it is best to let go.

Being with someone with depression isn't easy. So, what exactly do you think you can do for her? Have you talked to anyone yourself about how to "deal" with a depressed person? There's really little you can do for her. This is something she fights on her own. A relationship could work against her, as it takes up time, energy, and is distracting. People who are around people who suffer from depression can't really do much but just hang around and try to live their own lives as best they can, until the depressed person comes around and is feeling good enough to be engaged in the lives of others.

But like I said, perhaps it is what is best for her, to be alone. You said you have no idea what to do for her. You should figure out exactly what you could do for her, before you get determined to help. There's no use in saying you will help when you don't know how. You need to educate yourself on her depression in that case. And it doesn't sound like she wants that.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (8 November 2010):

Realistically, you need to move on. You're obviously a nice guy, and you're doing the classic 'nice guy' thing, which is to take on someone with flaws that you think you can make right. You can't (trust me, I tried it once). The only person that can solve her problems is her. You could spend years trying to make it better, and all that will happen is she won't get better, and you'll get worse.

You need to let her go, and live your own life. There are other girls out there who are more suitable for relationships. At the moment, your ex simply isn't. And until she has spent time on herself, she never will be.

Move on, live your own life.

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