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I love him but I don't want to be in a sexless relationship

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 October 2015) 1 Answers - (Newest, 19 October 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Dear cupid, i am really stuck and dont know what to do.

I have been with my BF for 2years now and for the past year or so there has been very little sex, ive tried litterally everything and he always has excuses or very rarely wants to do anything like that ive tried leaving him well alone, ive tried giving him a bit if a chase but nothing works.

Since being in this relationship i have gained an awful lot of weight which gets me down and i dont feel very attractive as it is. My boyfriend is 19stone himself and his habbits have become mine, but i always dress really nice and make an effort.

We feel as though we are very much in love we enjoy a cuddle and hate spending time apart but i feel like i cant carry on in this sexless relationship its almost like living with a relative or friend that i love dearly.

I keep talking to him every so often about how i feel and it never seems to get us anywhere.

I dont think anythings going to change but equally i cant imagine my life with out him, i dont want to spend too many years with the wrong man before i realise hes not the one but i desperatly do not want to be alone i dont know which road to go down next at all please help me.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (19 October 2015):

What’s interesting about your question is what you don’t say. You say that you hate spending time apart, and you say that you have tried to tell him how you feel but that you don’t think anything’s going to change. You don’t tell us what his response is. Does he change the subject? Does he give you reasons for his lack of interest (anxiety or stress for example)?

I’m not so sure he really does know how you feel, or at least that this is a problem that is now threatening the relationship. I think you need to be clear with him that you are, at the moment, not compatible sexually. You have needs, and they’re not being met: it’s okay to acknowledge that. Explain how much he means to you and how much you want to work things out, but that if he doesn’t start at least to try and address whatever is at the heart of his lack of interest, you may not last as a couple. I can’t help wondering if he just doesn’t believe that you would leave, and that allows him to bury his head in the sand? Perhaps if you went out more with friends, family, or even by yourself, he would see that you are capable of being independent and making a life for yourself outside this relationship, and that might prompt him to meet you halfway. Space is a very good thing.

It’s interesting that you mentioned your weight, and that you wrote how your looks get you down. Perhaps you should try addressing your weight, not in any way because thinner is better but because you’re not happy with it and it seems to be the result of adopting his habits, as you have said. This would also show him a confidence to achieve goals on your own.

In summary I think you need to show him that you could do all right on your own, and talk to him again with real honesty about how big an issue this is becoming for you. And don’t just make the statement and leave it hanging in the air, but ask him what’s going on. Sometimes we think we’ve talked about something because we’ve said it, but actually no real conversation has taken place. Unless questions are asked and genuine answers given, things will drift on as before with no solutions reached.

I wish you all the very best.

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