A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay, here's the situation, folks. I'm in a committed relationship with a woman I love. We're both in our late 20's, we've dated for nearly a year and we've just moved in together. My girlfriend really is my best friend and she's the closest thing to a soul mate I've ever experienced.Here's the problem: my girlfriend is pretty much ready for marriage and kids. I'm not. In fact, there's a very large part of me that just wants to screw around. You see, my girlfriend had your typical college-experience: she partied, drank, did drugs, had one night stands, etc. I, meanwhile, spent my college-aged years going to school, working two jobs and basically raising my younger sister.I didn't get a chance to date much as a teenager and didn't lose my viriginity until my 20's (senior year of college). I commuted to college, didn't party, didn't drink, didn't do drugs, didn't sleep round: I simply carried my responsibilities and tried to stay sane. It was not fun.Now, for the first time in my life, I have the freedom to do what I want. And, to be painfully honest, a part of me wants to spend some time "sleeping around" before I settle down. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship when I started dating this woman. She was so perfect and we were so compatible, though, that it just HAD to happen.My girlfriend slept with over a dozen men before she met me, though. I slept with two other women before I met her. I love my girlfriend and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I wish I had met her a bit later in life... like say in two years. I never got to go through the stereotypical "spreading your wild oats" phase. She did. I want to go through it before I'm married and have kids, though. I feel like I need to get that kind of behavior out of my system, now, before I have children of my own.If I tell her all of this, though, I'm afraid that she'll be heartbroken and leave me. Is there any way to have it both ways? Have I missed my opportunity to just be young and sleep around because I had too many responsibilities? I'd do anything to have a chance to repeat my college years and just have fun. Is it too late for me, now?
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best friend, drugs, heartbroken, moved in, one night stand, soulmate Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BadAsh6705 +, writes (26 November 2007):
 I can understand how you feel that you have "missed out" on all these experiences, but the thing is you are in a committed relationship now. You can't simply go off and do those things and expect her to wait around.You have to decide if you will always feel this regret because you could end up resenting her because of it. If it is really important to you, you need to tell her how you feel and take a break and explore your opportunities, but chances are she's not going to be there when you're done, and there's always a chance that you might end up finding a whole different life that doesn't include her.Another thing I want to point out is that while you might feel like you have missed out on a lot of things, I think that once you get out there, you will realize that it's not all you thought it would be and you could risk losing something really good for no reason. If you really love this girl, you will compare every other girl to her and most of them probably won't measure up. I think you should be proud that you didn't sleep around and do drugs, these are things that a lot of people end up regretting and feeling very self-conscious about later!
A
female
reader, BadAsh6705 +, writes (26 November 2007):
I can understand how you feel that you have "missed out" on all these experiences, but the thing is you are in a committed relationship now. You can't simply go off and do those things and expect her to wait around.You have to decide if you will always feel this regret because you could end up resenting her because of it. If it is really important to you, you need to tell her how you feel and take a break and explore your opportunities, but chances are she's not going to be there when you're done, and there's always a chance that you might end up finding a whole different life that doesn't include her.Another thing I want to point out is that while you might feel like you have missed out on a lot of things, I think that once you get out there, you will realize that it's not all you thought it would be and you could risk losing something really good for no reason. If you really love this girl, you will compare every other girl to her and most of them probably won't measure up. I think you should be proud that you didn't sleep around and do drugs, these are things that a lot of people end up regretting and feeling very self-conscious about later!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): Men are naturally programmed to want more partners. It's stupid but it's what nature wants. Men can certainly go without, but you've gotta understand that it is a MAJOR biological drive for them to want it. It's not the same thing as just wanting a bigger truck or something. Women don't have to understand this drive within males for more partners, but it would be nice if they would show it a little of the basic respect that they want men to show for their own stupid issues. (Chasing "bad boys," etc.) Men didn't choose to feel this way, and it's a living hell trying to deny feelings that nature wants very badly for you to act on.I'm not excusing any man or woman's infidelity with this speech. I am just asking that women show a little scrap of respect/understanding for every human male's unfortunate situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): We have to make our own choices and live with them, be proud and not feel an empty feeling because desires were not met or accomplished. In order to feel complete you can do what you say you are missing and feel this FULLNESS within and go on living, however only realizing that what you had and was yours can no longer be yours. You will taint the pureness of your relationship by doing what you so wish for. Unless you know for some pure fact that once you are done it will never occur. Truly what you are missing is not all that fun. Why would you believe that there is more out there to be offered to you. there is if you know that what you have is not the right thing for you, otherwise I would say love her as you would want her to love you. I doubt that you would agree to the same terms if she proposed the same to you. If you took her back, you may feel some shame for knowing she has been doing things that once you did with her. Truly this is not a competition as to who did more than the other. This competition is about how much you say you have feelings for her. If your love is connected in both mind and heart then you know she is your best friend and soulmate. Why would you risk all that for some fun that only will last a few minnutes, hours, perhaps days or months.... when you can have a lifetime of no regret.
You are what you are and you must live with your final decisions and never have regret, but make sure that when you decide you can't turn back. It will never be the same.
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A
male
reader, troubledtoomuch + ♥, writes (1 November 2007):
 A comment to ariel's post. She said, "You can't have your cake and eat it,is not how things work." Excuse me, but his girlfriend had just that. She had her fun and now she wants him. The difference is that she is enough of a considerate person to recognize that and allow him the same. What is so wrong with that? That is exactly what my wife did and she has never been sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): Rubbish Dude, she will hopefully look after herself first and realise that you are putting something very passing and facile in front of being with her. You are willing to risk damage to get your way. Last person, who wrote would you allow your girlfriend/other the same freedom if she wanted to try sex with other men? Perhaps you might get upset that your manhood was not quite up to par, perhaps there is bigger and better out there. What kind of feeling would you get about it and don't you think it would make you doubt yourself?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): Dude just tell thats what you want to do. If she REALLY is the one and she REALLY understands and loves you, she'll be happy to put aside her own needs for yours just for a while, and trust me when you get back together it'll be so much better.
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A
female
reader, ariel  +, writes (30 October 2007):
 Well you have two choices,either you pretty much carry on the way you are and feel empty or you scratch the itch that is itching you.
Maybe this is your warning bells that she is not the one.Sure you say you love her and she is your soulmate.But if that were the case why are you struggling this issue you have?
What if she did not have the experience of 14men,would you still be feeling like this or would you have the upper hand?
The question is do you want to shag other women or not?You can't have your cake and eat it,is not how things work.I am afraid you are right its her or the life of meaningless shags or you could meet the love of your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, okay... I'll put it to bed. You're right, Tuatara. If my regrets about my past are this strong, then my current girlfriend is obviously not the woman for me. In fact, her history is a reminder of how pathetic mine is. So, I'm going to end our relationship.She has been incredibly understanding and has a real passion for making "us" work, but I'm developmentally arrested and I won't be able to settle down with her or anyone else if I don't go through this phase first. I didn't intend to mislead her by moving in with her. These feelings did not really arise until after we moved in together. She'll have every right to hate me.I have to do this. It's stupid and immature, yes. I do believe my current g/f is my soul mate, but I'm selfish and having my soul mate is not enough for me. I wish it was, but it's not.Thanks. No more posts from me. Best regards.
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (30 October 2007):
 Is there any chance we can put this one to bed? It must hold the record for the number of posts and it's been going round in circles for about two days now!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Peoriaman is an idiot. His answer to every question is "Buy 'Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus'." He must be a book salesman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Your a difficult person to post back too!
If you feel you have missed something or are unfulfilled with your past sexual history as a comparison to others in your life. Then don't get married and settle down.
No one can tell you how much, often and how many is right for you. Clearly you are frustrated with your past.
So whats the problem?
Screw around and see if that fixes your feelings of failure in this area of your life. If this satisfies your feelings of lost manhood, then you will be fixed!
I think you really need to get over this confusion. I am now confused as to what on earth we are to say other than statistics on 'what's the norm!" Who cares!
You can't change your past or others. To now assess if you have been robbed of a sexual history because you didn't have the opportunities others had, is silly. This is really a bit silly.
The debate is over and you need to decide what it is you have a problem with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm merely asking you to explain your unique form of English to me, Peoriaman. You said, and I quote, "You seem to refuse to not understand or not wanting to understand your behavior: no one else will either." Now, that sentence has enough issues to fill a magazine rack. Read it back to yourself and tell me it makes ANY sense.
Didn't think so.
I am "refusing" to "not understand" my behavior? That, sir, is a double-negative, which would suggest that I am understanding my behavior. That is what you said, although something tells me that is not what you meant to say. So, honestly, I have NO IDEA what you're trying to say based on your poor command over the English language.
I'm amazed at how you can write such a sentence and tell me that I should "instead pay for [my] education." I would say the same thing of you, dear sir.
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A
male
reader, troubledtoomuch + ♥, writes (30 October 2007):
To OP. You are in about the exact same situation that I was 28 years ago. My wife told me the same thing as your girlfriend is saying. I did it, I felt somewhat guilty, my then gf sensed that I was guilty and she let me continue it for almost 3 years. I was the one who stopped. She didn't make me stop. If you want to talk about this some more, send me a private message.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm... Sorry, Peoriaman. If you didn't mean to be rude, then you missed a golden opportunity. You did seize the chance to be unhelpful and incomprehensible, though. I see that you found an excuse to mention your number of sexual partners (good for you?). Other than that, though, your response doesn't make ANY sense.
What am I delusional about? What don't I understand about my "behavior"? What, exactly, has gone "over my head?"
I'm sorry, but your obtuse use and, at times, incorrect use of pronouns makes it completely unclear as to whether you are talking about my reactions to people on this board or my reactions to partners in the "real world." Your post was drivel. Please explain in a comprehensible way so that I can benefit from your vast sexual experience.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Human relationships just generally work better when the female has not had a bunch more sexual experience than the male did beforehand. We're just made that way for evolutionary reasons. It's not politically correct but it's the truth.
But then the sexual revolution comes along and frees up both sexes to do anyone who's willing all the time.
The result is that a ton of women sleep with just the highest-desirability percentage of men when they're young. The other majority of men get MUCH less than the A-list men and often much less than even most women. By the time the women are ready to "settle down," they're settling with "nice guy" men who've had less experience than they've already had. (And those men don't like it one bit. It's not a situation they were ever naturally meant to like at all.)
So the final result is that women get a lot of the men they want at every stage. (The women might not get treated as well as they'd like by these men, but that's a different issue. And it's largely the womens' choice to pursue & remain in those situations anyway.)
The top most desirable men get EVERYONE they might possibly want.
The other majority of non-A-list men get less sex when they're young & horny, and then they get pre-owned & emotionally damaged women when they're older.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more thought: the overwhelming consensus here and elsewhere seems to be that modern women tend to have MANY sexual partners prior to marriage (I would guess 10-15 being an average), while modern men tend to have relatively FEW to NO sexual partners prior to marriage (I would guess 5 being an average). That's a complete reversal of the "traditional" paradigm, which seems very strange.
I don't mean this as a sexist comment, but I do find that a little surprising. The stakes of sexual intercourse are so much higher for women, merely because they bare the physical weight of pregnancy, that I'm surprised they can be so liberal in some ways. Case in point: my girlfriend had an abortion when she was 21 (she got pregnant as the result of a drunken one-night-stand and the guy refused her phone calls afterwards... he never even knew he had a child that was aborted). She says it was the most paniful thing she has ever gone through. I think if I had to have an abortion, that would pretty much put the kibosh on my sexual activity until I was in a SERIOUS long-term relationship (marriage or otherwise).
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to address a couple of recent posts.
Troubledtoomuch--you are correct. I've never even briefly considered cheating on my girlfriend. Despite some of the harsh criticism that I'm receiving from some of you (that would suggest otherwise), I do love this woman and I'm not looking to do anything behind her back. The problem at hand, as I've tried to state before, is: do I stay with her and just feel regretful forever OR do I try to address those regrets and risk losing her.
Anon 10/30/07--Please explain to me why myself and my needs are "not essential." Your answer tells me that you have no idea what kind of anguish I'm going through, so I find your comments a little offensive. My "self" and my needs ARE ESSENTIAL because, like it or not, they will have an impact on my relationship with this woman. To believe otherwise is very naive. Yes, addressing my feelings is unfair to her. BUT, not addressing them is unfair to me. It's a lose-lose situation.
And, an update:
My girlfriend and I did finally discuss this issue to some extent. Essentially, she told me that she believes that I am the "love of her life." She explained that she has never wanted to marry or have children with anyone else and she doubts that she would find anyone like me again. She told me that she would do whatever it takes to be able to grow old with me. She said that, if I needed to take some time to be with other women, that she would wait for me. She also told me that she would take me back if I "strayed" from her.
I found this all to be pretty overwhelming--not because I was relieved or excited that she would "wait for me" if I decided that I needed to be with other women--but because I don't know if I could live with myself if I took her up on such a selfless offer.
Now, I REALLY don't know what to do. I've never questioned her love for me, but she really expressed it during our talk. I'm not sure I could bring myself to sleep with anyone else just based on the fact that she loves me SO MUCH.
Still, part of me definitely believes that she can be as certain as she is about me because of the other relationships and experiences that she has had. She slept with 14 other men before we met, so she has FIVE TIMES the amount of other experiences that I do to weigh our relationship against. What if I NEED this experience to know for sure? It certainly sounds like she did!
Also, while she tells me that she could live with my "exploring" now, I'm not convinced that she actually will be able to live with it if it ever actually happens. After all, I thought that I could just live with my inexperience when we moved in together, but that's turning out to not be the case now, several months after we moved in together.
Sometimes, I just wish I could hit the reset button on my life and live at least a little for myself as a young person. Then, maybe I wouldn't feel the need to be selfish now. My g/f fully admits that she spent the ages of 16 to 25 living solely for herself and her own pleasure. I think she's finished a phase that I've barely even started.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): This happened to my brother, the exact same thing. His girlfriend went on to marry someone else, and in the end so did he (a right dragon) he regrets losing her, but was just not ready to settle down at the time.I had lots of experience before I married, but my husband had only had one girlfriend before me, so it was a disaster and he had an affair (lost me and regrets it now) You will see that the grass is not greener, but you have to find out for yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): The simple and obious outcome if you follow this path is that she will be shattered, as anyone would. But you are not ready and nothing other than splitting up for a while can make that so. I think it would be better to say that you want a couple of years to yourself before settling down, that moving in together has made you realise. When she asks if you intend to see anyone else you will have to agree it as a standard for both of you. You can't really put a time limit on it, you may get back together, you may not. This is a definate split, it would be totally unfair to keep her on the side. Then, it will be a matter of her deciding whether she wants to be with you (I don't think I would be able to forgive what you are asking because it shows that you are willing to put yourself and your needs, which are not essential, in front of the relationship). You may not want to be with her on the other hand You are willing to gamble with this relationship and I do see where you are, you are just being a bloke, but if you did love her that much or you would not be prepared to hurt her so badly.If the world ended tomorrow where would you rather be? Test-driving other women’s vaginas or being with the person you love?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): These threads are always full of the same few comments:
Men saying, "I REALLY wish I'd had a little more sex before settling down." Men saying, "I know I shouldn't care but I can't stop caring about her past being more than mine."
Women saying, "a lot of the sex partners I had when I was young & single were just worthless moments to me now anyway." Women saying, "I don't care about past parters like that so why should he?"
If I didn't know better, I might think that the equalizing of gender sexual activity during the last 40 years was a bad idea or something. It's almost sounds like the genders are hard-wired for the men to have more loose sex and the women to refrain from doing so.
Think so? Naaahhh.
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female
reader, LoveHurtsIknow_I'llHelpYou +, writes (29 October 2007):
 tell her how you felt about her, actually tell her you DO want to spend the rest of your life with her etc etc, but also explain about your past and you just want to experiance it and if she's not comfortable with it, then maybe she really isn't your soul mate or maybe you should give her some time to get her head round it then ask her again but get the point across to her that you DO love her, no matter who you end up with.I hope I've helped you.
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male
reader, troubledtoomuch + ♥, writes (29 October 2007):
Some comments to the anon female who just wrote, "You can't have it both ways." You are probably correct for most cases. However, both my experience and that of Oblivia's friend were different. I really believe that both of us were lucky.
You are also correct (I mean correct as only I see it) that the OP would have to realize that his gf would have the right to date others at the same time. I also realized that my gf might do that when I was dating others and I was worried about that. However, she never did. She actually wanted to keep seeing me while I dated others. She says that she thinks that was because it would keep her from dating others and so that she could see if I was drifting away from her. She didn't care that I was spending nights in bed with other women. She also thinks that she wanted to still see me so that she wouldn't have any desire to date others. She was tired of having relationships and one night stands that went nowhere and liked the fact that she had a caring guy who seemed to like her more for herself than the sex I got from her.
These somewhat different scenarios seemed to have worked for Oblivia's friend and my wife and I. They may be bad choices for many others. The unfortunate part of this is that one can never know what will work for them until it is too late. I would have hated to lose my gf just to have had the chance to have had sex with another 10 women. These 28 years are much more important than those few years of "fun". Oh sure, I still occasionally have disappointment in parts of her past sex life, but it was still worth it to stay with her.
You are also correct about the OP not cheating on his gf. That would be inconsiderate. That would violate her trust and certainly destroy the relationship when she realized it. However, I don't think that he is contemplating that.
There are a lot of different opinions on what people in this situation should do. Some have experienced it and have something that has worked for them. Others have no experience, but think they know what they would do. Perhaps they are correct also. Unfortunately, there is no one answer that will work for everybody and no answer is perfect for anybody.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): You can't have it both ways. In fact, you are going to have to be brave. It is unfortunate that you didn't think about this before, but there we are. For both your sakes you need to split up. If you try to thief these experiences while you are with her you will destroy her trust in you and make it much harder for her to find real love with another later. If you were open about it, you would have to expect her to have the same freedom. I am sure you would not like that, but that's a story well told by many. Perhaps you are not right for each other and she may find a better match. So may you, once you have checked out the other girls for sex. This thing you feel is an itch but although it seems a normal and reasonable feeling it could destroy a great deal. People say having sex is nothing much and treat it lightly but it does have this awful power to drag a person into things that destroy integrity. I really feel you have to spilt, sow your wild oats and see if anything is left at the end. It is a risk but you can't have everything in life without taking responsibility and being honest. My first love was unfaithful to me because of similar "itches". Thirty years later he still tells me he regrets it and never felt the same again about anyone. I, on the other hand, left him miles behind. Go for it and good luck, it may not happen to you.
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A
female
reader, Jen20619  +, writes (29 October 2007):
Your relationship is doomed.If you do follow through and marry and have kids.Theres a 90 per cent chance you will have an affair later on in life.You are having these feelings now of wanting to be with other women.I doubt these feelings with go away.No matter how much you love her.If you do love her that much then let her go to find those things she wants with another man that will not be wanting to screw around.Im afraid you have to let go of this one.You want to get the one nite stands out of your system and no matter how much you want to be with her that need wont go away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, thank you Oblivia and Troubledtoomuch. Your responses and experiences are INCREDIBLY helpful!
I'll try to post an update at some point!
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male
reader, troubledtoomuch + ♥, writes (28 October 2007):
To Oblivia's last post. This is what I did when going with my wife (she was my girlfriend back then), except that I still kept going with her. Not as good a solution as what Oblivia's girlfriend did. However, my wife wanted me to date others after my divorce not so that I could have a last chance at fun, but because she wanted me to be sure than she was the one that I really wanted. She wanted me to have a basis of comparison so that I would not wonder if I could have easily found someone better than her. She thinks that it was the second best decision that she has ever made, next to leaving her first husband.
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female
reader, Oblivia  + ♥, writes (28 October 2007):
 Hi,
I see you made up your mind so no need for any more advice, just wanted to pop in to encourage you on the decision you made to talk to her about it. You sound like a smart and caring guy and if I was your girl I would be glad if you told me your honest feelings about the "last hurrah". Even though tough, I think that is the best way. I have a friend (a girl, mind you! ;)) who was in a similar situation as yours. She talked with her boyfriend about her feelings and that she needed a time apart from him to explore life a little more before settle down. It was hard for him of course, but today they are married with a bunch of children and they are the most stable, loving and happy couple I have ever seen.
This is a sunshine story, I know, but I wonder how well off they would have been today if she had been too scared to lose him to do what she did. Be brave and trust your feelings, we are all different.
Wish you all the best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow... I'm surprised by the nastiness in some of your comments. Thanks to those men and women who have continued to answer rationally. It is obvious to me now that this IS a very "male" problem, as I've seen a half dozen similar quandries posted on "DearCupid." I appreciate the handful of thoughtful responses from women who aren't somehow taking my problems as a personal afront against all women, though.
For the record, I'm not the first man that my g/f has lived with. We are not married. We are not engaged. We are not engaged to be engaged. So, I certainly don't think I need to be villainized for having these kind of thoughts and feelings. I DO love this woman and we are in a monogamous sexual relationship, but I've never suggested to her that I was ready to settle down.
Likewise, 28 might seem old to some of you, but I know very few 28 year olds who are married and/or have kids. I'm not sure where some of you are writing from, but educated young professionals in my part of the country typically put off marriage and "settling down" until their early to mid 30's. It's 2007, not 1967. There's nothing odd about people in their late 20's and early 30's continuing to date around.
My g/f and I do need to take about this and I think framing it as "I need one last hurrah" (as terrible as that might sound) might indeed be the best way to go. Thanks, reasonable respondents.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): Don't listen to these people, U got to foolow your heart! I was and still is in a sitiation just like you. I was tricked into a marriage because I was lied to. Women are notorious for this. Also, most of these women after they have already sold their oats, ration sex once the children come. Life is short and if u can't find a woman that has kept herself like u, I suggest that u DO YOU!!! Not necessary one night stands, but have ur fun. Women make me sick with their female perspectives!! Men are HUNTERS and u are mad because u feel cheated out of life. I applaud ur girl for being honest, but most most aren't. Marriage is long hard work, while rewarding it is hard work!!!! I suggest you find yourself and take your time, I married mine THINKING I may not find anyone else like her as well, WELL, she lied about her past knowing I was going to find someone that is chaste!! That's why I waited because I wanted marriage to be something special, if u can't find a honest woman with values similar or close to your, I say enjoy your life take you time and DO YOU!!! Ur only judge is God, I sypathize with you, because I ived the same life u did. Don't listen to people that did not live your sacrafice. FIND A WOMAN THAT LIVED LIKE U, if not, take ur time, because marriage is serious!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): Your question breaks my heart because I've seen so many of my male friends go through this before and I know already how it will play itself out.
Irrespective of any advice you receive, I believe that the gnawing voice in your head will be too strong - I suspect you will break up, you will 'sow your wild oats' or whatever you yearn to do, and in the meantime your current soulmate will meet someone else or the gulf between you created by this situation will be insurmountable. You will ultimately settle in a relationship with someone who is a shadow of your current girlfriend because you weren't ready now. You will always regret it - you might even meet up with your (now) ex-girlfriend to tell her how it was the worst choice you ever made, or you might write her lengthy letters telling her how she was the 'one' and how foolish you were. (And yes, if I sound just a bit bitter, I have some of those letters - one of them clocks in at over 15 pages.)
The problem is, knowing how the situation will play itself out doesn't fix the underlying issue. If you stay with the person you adore, you will never be able to address the feeling of somehow having 'missed out', having had fewer sexual partners than her or feeling unprepared for an enduring commitment. Unless you can work out a way to address these things (perhaps talk to her?), then I suspect you'll always resent her and it will poison your relationship.
You need to talk to your girlfriend about these issues. Perhaps if the issue is framed in a 'I need a last hurrah before I commit', she'll be understanding. However, if you decide to break up (even a short break, with her imprimatur) you have to be ready to lose her. That is, you might not lose her, but you have to accept that it might be the necessary consequence of your choices.
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female
reader, elitzabeth +, writes (27 October 2007):
 After reading a little bit of the responses, and your own replys my advice to you is to take time apart from your relationship. Your gf does not deserve to be cheated on or be on the middle of your insecurities. Be honest with her (don't tell her you want to screw around); but rather that you are not ready for a committed realtionship and would like to take some time apart. She is going to be devastating, belive me, but if she really loves you she'll wait for you and if she doen't, then things were not mean to happen.
I am sure you care about her, so don't hurt her. It seems that you had already made out your mind to mess around. At the end of the road you will understand that it was not worth it, and that screwing around does not makes you "the man".
In my opinion, being the "good gay", as you are, is the characteristic that most women of your age are attrative to; at your age they don't want to deal with testosterone driven stages of the male spices. That crazy, fun period happens on your teens and early twenties; then you missed it..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): Be aware that you're dealing with sexual/relationship/romantic drives than are particularly "male" feelings. So you won't get much attempts to even understand your feelings from most women on the issue. Most women generally don't feel that way to anywhere near the same degree. So therefore your male feelings are not valid. And these feelings must be the product of your own personal weakness & ego problems, since it can't possibly be "normal" to feel this way.(Nevermind that virtually all men in your position would have similiar feelings.)
Women are very understanding & supportive IF you're dealing with emtional problems that they suffer from too. But this is not one of those times. Understand this, and deal with the flak you will get for your STRONG feelings. I'm sure you did not ask for these feelings and absolutely wish you could get rid of them, but that's the price of being male and having a current partner who's had many more previous partners than you've had. Life isn't fair.
Surf the advice world, and you will find that tons of men are still dealing with these problems decades later. The feelings don't just go away.
The only hope you have of coping with these issues lies in reasoning with yourself that it's not HER you're mad at. It's the fact that your life was limited. Try to picture yourself in a position closer to hers and then realize that you would have done the same things.
If that isn't enough to help you start getting over it, then there's probably no way to deal with this stuff other than breaking up & "sowing some wild oats." Be aware that it still won't be as fun as what you missed out on though. Not by a long shot. Women are 10 years older now, they're jaded, they're worse looking, and they're all carrying emotional baggage that they weren't carrying when they were 19 years old. (They ugly truth is that most of them are still screwed up & obsessed with someone from when they were 19.)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): Well, if that's how you feel & are convinced that there is no other way, why are you asking our advice? Do you really think we'd say "oh yea, you need to get laid buddy..cheat on your girl" Seriously? You don't seem to care about our opinions, so do what you feel like you have to do to feel cool. But it's not going to be easy for you to get laid anyways..most women your age are married and have kids. Or that is what they're after. Not some one nighter with a guy who has a girlfriend already & is just using her to try & raise his self esteem. I would guess that you'll have to buy sex from hookers, or go to some skanky bar and get some bar fly trash. How are you going to feel the morning after? You say you already have low self esteem? See how you feel after you do these things. How do you plan on getting women to have sex with you? Are you going to go after teenage girls? It's not as easy as you seem to think for a guy to go get some. And if you don't want to settle down, why the hell are you leading this girl on? You sound like a very selfish mixed up person. Go get your kicks, but it's not going to be something that lives up to your expectations.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): Nothing we're going to say is going to change your mind on this matter. Peronally I belive your being pathetic! theres nothing wrong with not sleeping around, not everyone does it! men or women. I better tell my sister b/f [19] that he's wasting his younger years by being with the woman he loves!
You have it in your head now, break up with your g/f who may be your soul mate! hey who knows, but she find someone else.
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male
reader, troubledtoomuch + ♥, writes (26 October 2007):
My wife had 10 partners in the 3 years between her 1st husband and me. I had 3 relationships after I met her. Of her 10, 2 or 3 were 1 night stands. I finally had one before I gave up the "fun" to be with her only. Believe me, the 1 night stand was not much fun. The 3 relationships were much better, both in and out of bed. My wife's 1 night stands were not much fun for her, either. She was just used as a quick screw. She wishes she had never done them. She just got used and didn't feel very good about herself and got no enjoyment out of it. I used to be jealous of her "fun" past, but I have found through talking to her that she just got sick of being used for sex most of the time. What fun is that for the woman. Sure, she enjoyed sex with most of the men, but she enjoys it far more with me. I also enjoy it far more with her than I did with the other women. I have also sometimes wished that I had the opportunity to have more fun, but it was not worth giving her up for that. I have never been sorry in 28 years that I did not dump her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 20 |
