A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am facing a dilemma. Whether to marry, or to leave my girlfriend. I am inexperienced, and I need your opinion on what our relationship looks like to you, and what you think I should do. I also would like to hear what you think is important in a lifetime relationship with someone.I will not make a descision based on your answers, but I would like to hear your opinion so I can think for myself. Now, here is some background:I have been in a long distance relationship with a Chinese girl for about 3 years now. Whereas we've spent about half of that time living together. Now we're facing a culture crash.You see in China, people want to marry quickly. And women needs to marry before 30. After 30, they are considered "left-overs". My girlfriend is soon 27, and it a very old age for a girl in China. Sick, yeah, but that's how it is.Basically, she wants to marry me. But I am insecure. When we started our relationship, she made a clear 2 year deadline for me to make a decision. Now we're 3 years in, and I am still insecure. And I feel that I need to make a decision now, rather than later. I still want her to have future chances.You see, she is my first. I love her, but I don't know to what extent I love her. It is even more tough to get my head straight when we are on distance, as the feelings go up and down. But whenever we are together I feel at peace. But will I feel the same for a lifetime? I have no idea.I am trying to see the parts that I really cherish in her and what we share:* She is an incredibly kind and warm person. She takes care of me, and she will even sacrifice things for me, as I would for her.* We really click on the emotional level. In a way that is hard to put into words.* We share the same values. About money (we don't care about money), about kids and upbringing, etc etc.* We don't have exact same interests, but we always try to participate and learn from each other's interests.* We are very open and comfortable around each other.* Our sex is amazing, and we both have the same sex drive and we both want to explore new adventures.* She'd even smoke some weed with me, even though it is deeply rooted in her culture and upbringing that it is a big shame and very dangerous. She trusts in me no matter what.* We both want to work hard on our relationship. We realize it won't last without effort and hard work.* We have a clear future plan (she'd move to my home country even)* I think she's attractive, and she thinks I am attractive.But then, there are some parts that worries me:* I don't feel we always click intellectually. E.g, I long to get into a deep discussion with her, but she's not always there. Frankly, I could see myself getting bored. I know that being able to talk deeply about anything is something you develop with a person, such as the lifelong friends I've had. But I can't feel that click...* We don't have the same humour.* She acts so energetic in a childish way that just makes me feel like she is a girl rather than a woman. This is a part of her personality, and I don't want her to be someone she isn't. It does make her unique, for good and for bad. It is not always though, it comes now and then. * We don't always cooperate too well.* We don't have much to talk about other than daily things.* We have some cultural barriers* My gut feeling tells me I want to break upBasically on a fundamental level, we are really good for each other. But if we were friends, I don't think I would be too invested.It is just so much stress. I already wasted so much of her time. I want to either go all-in or give up right now. I don't want to continue this and drag her down so much that she'd have to marry someone she doesn't love due to that sick culture. I don't know myself what I want in a relationship. I don't know if this is the love I want. Maybe in the future I will look back and regret and play the notorious "what it could have been"- game.I already know what will happen if I talk to her about this. She will just extend the time. She's willing to risk all her time for a chance together with me, even at the cost of marrying a random man (don't ask about this please, it is cultural circumstances).
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 I think you need to be sure if you are wanting to get married or not. Sorry but for me it would not be enough you wanting to marry me because it is part of my culture. It is clear to see that you are not ready for marriage. That is okay. It is clear to see that you love your girlfriend and you are happy with her. But it is not fair that you should rush in to anything that you are not sure about. You need to think long and hard before you marry a woman you are not sure you want to grow old with.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 Thank you so much for writing back to us. I am happy to continue answering.
Yes, my advice comes from personal experience. It always does. It's not what I've read in a book or anything, but things I have come to experience and choose as "right and true" in my life. But people are different, and thus the "truth" is always different also. What is true for me in my life is not always true for others. But we do share a lot of common truths, such as infatuation being a "drug", a natural high in your brain. This is something I think we can establish as a fact. You experienced this yourself when your girlfriend first left for ling distance. You were heartbroken, because you were infatuated. Now you aren't so bothered by her being away, because your brain has normalized itself.
"Are people who are in "true love" always high on this drug? People seems to say yes and no. And surely if I could have this drug all my life I'm pretty sure I would treat my girlfriend like a princess for the rest of her life too, as she is the source of my addiction. But without that drug? Can I really"
True love is not about being infatuated. But when infatuated (forelsket, if you know this word?) you might think and be convinced that it is true love. You're Swedish and Im Norwegian, maybe that's why we understand each other better, haha, more common culture and expressions. Forelsket is a word they don't have in English, in English love is love all the same. But there are different kinds of love.
I would also like to add that I believe that love comes from within yourself. It's not something that come into existence when you meet the right person, as if by divine intervention. You're either a person capable of expressing love, because you have the emotional range to be able to feel it and express it, or you aren't. Reason why I say this is because I grew up free of feelings of any grand kind. I have an extremely limited emotional side to me as a child, I was schizoid. There were no feelings of love, care, or wanting intimate relationships. Things changed inside when I became older, especially after the death of a friend. You can read my article on my page here, it's all in there, if you want to know more.
Point is, because of this experience of going from no feelings, and to being very emotional and emphatic, I had to do a lot of studying of feelings and learn to control them and understand them. I approached it all very clinically and logically, for most of my life I lived on pure logic, as a robot, without feelings. So this logical over emotional thinking comes natural to me.
And I observe. I used a lot a time both as a child and now as an adult, to simply observe others. As in studying a strange and new planet. So that is why I say the things I say to you now. People can get way too carried away with their feelings, and they don't understand or want to know that feelings can change. You know this, which is why you are so hesitant on whether to marry or not. People without respect for the limitations of feelings, they just jump right in and take their chances.
Some people CAN be high on the love drug for a life time. I can. Because I am in control of my emotions to a higher degree than many around me. It's a choice, really. You choose whether to continue to adore your partner or not. You choose to do the things, say the things, or see the things, that keep the infatuation alive. And just as easily (or not easily, in fact it requires quite a bit of mental work) I can choose to NOT be infatuated any longer.
In order to stay/become infatuated I look at good pictures of the person, on days where they look amazing. I keep the scent of them around me, a scent I like, and that feels good. I play mental videos of the great times we've had, of the cute things they've said to me. I sometimes even write down cute texts or I write them in my journal. I write journals, and I write all my feelings, and when I want to tap into those feelings again I go back and read it. I do the exact same when I want to lose infatuation or get over someone. I play bad memories, I look back on the fights, I remember the shit they did to me, the hurtful things they said, I look at bad pictures of them etc.
If you want to stay infatuated you need to let fights go, and not remember them. There are tricks like that. But staying infatuated isn't necessarily a goal in itself, just being peaceful and happy with your life, and a partner being a part of it without being your all and everything, can also be quite nice.
"I have started to realize a relationship requires hard work. But without the drug will I have the dedication and will to do so?"
Yes, a relationship requires hard work. ALL relationships do. This is where Hollywood movies fool us, they make us think we will some day just meet a person who everything will come easily with, where we never have to make an effort, never have to suck it up or swallow any camels. In reality every relationship demands effort and hard work to keep it alive. You will experience this dilemma with every woman you meet in the future also, even if you do not marry your current girlfriend.
You can never promise to always love someone, or always be infatuated with them, or always want to be with them. I am confident, after 5+ years of living together you'll be fed up with her laundry everywhere, her stuff floating around, her music and her dirty dishes. This is why there's such a thing as separate vacations, lol. You know why the men go camping, alone, in the woods, or go fishing with their male friends far far away. Because everyone needs to get away from each other in between times.
And you will annoy one another, and get angry, and you will have horrible fights. Everyone does. The difference between those who stay married and those who divorce, in my mind at least because I haven't been married myself numerous times, is that you either are prepared for it and willing to continue the work, or you aren't prepared and unwilling to work for it.
To get married, and to stay married, and to respect your partner, and to care for your partner, are all choices you make with logic. Not with feelings. You make a conscious choice to treat a person a certain way, regardless of how you might feel at the moment. For example, you get up and go to work because you need the money and you made a commitment and a choice to go to work. Not because you wake up every morning and LOVE work and can't wait to go there as if it was an amusement park.
You choose to get married if you want children who have both their parents living together. Not saying you can't have that without marriage, but if you get married you have made a conscious choice to work on the relationship and to work to be together. Someone just in co-habitation and having a family is always just taking it day by day and seeing how it goes, not really having made that choice. Being married means you sign a contract to be financially responsible for one another. It opens up a certain range of financial flexibility you otherwise do not have. You get better loans in banks because you are legally two people signing for it. If one of you die, the other will inherit (and this is NOT a given when not married, even if you have a will/testament).
There have been many I have been crazy in love with, and I have been proposed to as well, with a ring and everything. I initially accepted that proposal, but later ended the relationship. I was crazy in love with him, but I used my logic and saw that I could not have a marriage with him. He was disrespectful to me, we didn't agree on whether to have children or not, and certainly didn't agree on how to raise potential kids. He was a drifter in his head, no ambition, no money, and that to me means no stability.
Yes, I know it sounds cold and clinical, but when I choose a life time partner I don't choose by whether or not I love them enough. I choose by whether or not they can financially care for me and future children, I care about whether or not there are any inheritable illnesses, I care about how they show respect, how they keep their calm in an argument, if they are egocentric and always want things done their way or if they are open to cooperation and compromise. I care about whether or not they can carry a conversation with me over dinner. If they take their fair share of responsibilities.
I care about their ability to be a parent, because if I am to have children that is what is most important and matter far more than how they treat me. How will they treat children? Will they be responsible, will they be firm, will they every hit their child or do drugs/drink alcohol when they are with the child, will they every put the child in a harmful position etc. I ask myself these questions when deciding whether or not to marry someone.
I don't think I ever asked myself whether I loved them enough, because I just don't see, logically, how love matters. You can respect someone without loving them. You can make a choice to sacrifice without love. You can be kind and gentle with someone without love. Love always grows between people either way, if you're just capable of loving in your heart, then you will end up loving someone if they are close to you in your life. It's human nature. So no, I do not worry about love. I worry about all the other things.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 December 2016):
 If she wasn't running out of time to get married, I'd say you should marry her. However, you do not seem ready to be married yet and you should not force yourself to be.
People who have found their "true love" are not infatuated for the rest of their lives. They always love them, but they are not blinded by it into thinking everything is perfect.
Nobody knows what will happen in the future, which is why marriage should be love, compatibility and practicality - not just one.
OP, forget everything else for a moment and think:
"Do I want to be married by the end of next year?"
If the answer is "no" or "I'm not sure", then you're not ready and she needs to find someone who is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, I never expected to have this much feedback. Thank you all so much for giving me your advice, whether you detest me or not!I will try to reply to all your answers in this comment, so just scroll down where I mention @YourName.One thing I wish to talk about is what many of you write to me and I quote from N91: "But to marry someone you had to ask for advice from strangers on the internet is crazy."I knew this was coming when I posted this question. It is not like I just suddenly started thinking about whether to marry or not and asked this question on impulse. I want to explain why I am still asking even when I saw it coming. I really wish to highlight the fact that she is my FIRST. And this relationship has taught me many things, even if just a slice of the whole cake (I wouldn't dare argue with all of your life experiences, I am aware mine probably falls miles short in comparison). Most impactful perhaps was the transition from the honeymoon feelings to the more calm ones where I can think more clearly about us two. Even after this point, being with her are wonderful moments I treasure, and no matter the outcome, I always will.I feel perhaps I let information around me make too much of an influence on my thoughts. I had heard long before, from many instances, that marriage is something which should be decided on after XYZ-amount of years. Whereas the norm seems to be around 3-5 years. The reason? Because you don't know your parter completely until then and that's when you can fully tell you are compatible and so on. Don't feel like you've discovered all of your partner? Don't marry yet.And then there all the horror stories of early marriages and how people are immature enough to realize their marriage is premature and divorce in a huge drama fight over their kids, even if it sounded like a great idea for them at the time to marry for them.Once, I got asked this question in response to my inquiry about whether to marry or not:-"Do you love her?"-Yes I do-"Do you think you can love her for your whole life?"...I really couldn't give an answer to that. We've been on distance on and off. Feelings sway up and down especially during the times away, completely unpredictable and uncontrollable. How can I be sure of something like this? Is being sure to marry when you can honestly give an answer to that question? I didn't know what kind of person I would be today 5,4,3.. 2 or even 1 year ago. Things change constantly. How can I say or determine that I won't grow tired of what right now is a wonderful relationship to me in a short or longer future?I have no idea. I don't have any experience.I don't know what a failed relationship looks like.I don't know what a succesful relationship looks like.And I don't know what relationship is one where you should marry.Will I look in awe at the women I could have had? "The grass always seems greener on the other side". I get it, but I don't UNDERSTAND it. And I don't UNDERSTAND relationship and marriage. I am confused. I am trying to get my head sorted. And hence, I am asking. Trying to somehow add the experience of other to my own. And I choose the internet, because I don't have anyone with the experience around me that I could ask. I am NOT making a poll decision here like:"Oh okay, 7 out of 14 people said I should marry. Damn that's half. Let's coss the coin then... *flip*Marry it is"!Of course not. I make my own decision based on my own judgement in the end. Your experiences and your thoughtful answers is a great support for me to reflect more clearly and objectively on myself. So please don't judge me too much (but you can bash me all you like). I know it is ridiculous to ask a question like this, but I am just too ignorant and stupid. That's it. And if I'm convinced leaving her is the best for her, I'd rip my own heart out and do it anytime. But she has told me that she'd rather bet it all on me than anyone, and I believe her. And that's why I can't leave her without being determined that it is the best for us.-------------------------Now I would really like to try reply as best as I can to your answers. Some I decided to not include or not fully answer, because I feel what I wrote above is an answer to those/that. So if you don't see your name below you have you answer right above. Thank you so much!@A female reader, anonymousQuote for identification: "Fear of the future is holding you back.Now that youve put in all the groundwork youre thinking of letting her go to some crusty other guy because you chickened out."Dear anonymous, the way you reply to me question is dramatic, but not far from my own imagination. I KNOW she will always be a big key piece in my heart and life. The time we've had is inreplaceable, and if we were to end up seperately, I will always be there for her to support her.When you say "chickened out" it hits where it hurts. Perhaps you are right, but as mentioned above, I can't predict who I will be in the future. Can I really here and now make a vow, that I will always be her admirer and supporter, always making her smile? Do I know myself enough that I can say I am thinking the same then as I do now? Frankly, I can't."What kind of person plans on discarding a wonderful person youve had good times with for a cold intellectual discussion."It was good to hear you say this. It is a completely different perspective. What I am worried about is that it may make me lose respect in the future. I feel respect is important to me and the way I treat other persons. And if I can't respect her in the future, can I really at all times behave and act properly?And you are spot-on with the chinese language. I have learned, but had I put diligent effort, I would have come a great deal further. Thank you really so much for your answer anomynous lady, it has invoked a lot of thoughts.@jls022It is great to see someone with real experience in the situation. I am not sure how to give a good reply to you, but real experience always feels like something much more solid. Thank you so much.@chigirlFirst, I can't express how it moves me to see how much effort you put into helping us out. And what you write feels... just soothing and calming. Perhaps it is what I actually want to hear. But at the same time, I don't want to base my decision on what FEELS good, just as you express how marriage should be based on logical judgement. I am really curious chigirl, does what you say all come from personal experience? Partly personal experience? Or otherwise? Not that I am doubting your answer, but it just would feel more solid for me to hear.You thinking reminds me of something I've come to familiarize myself with over my relationship. It sounds a lot like Chinese thinking. Not even my girlfriend has been able to explain in a way that I understand but I think after your reply, I think I have understood more about her and her culture (see, there is always new discoveries, though is it for good just as it is for bad?).Quote: "People who marry do not marry because they love each other.They marry because they believe in the institution of marriage".This is a new perspective I have never thought about before. You say "people who marry" as if you pull them all over one comb, but those around me emphasize that when you feel the "true love" is when you marry. The love that never dies. Your perspective and the perspective of those around me... and myself, are complete opposites. But regardless, yours is not hard for me to understand. Perhaps because you put so much effort into explaining for me. And you know what? I think I belong to the institution of marriage. The one thing I ever looked wanted from going into a relationship has been to not seperate and live happily ever after. But "will it be happily ever after?" is what I feel I can't give a clear answer to. If I would view it from your perspective though, it seems completely reasonable to take that leap of faith.Quote: "People who are IN LOVE should not marry, if you ask me, because when infatuated you don't see straight and think everything is rosy and rainbows and puppies etc. It's when you realize that no one is perfect, and know your partners bad sides too, and ARE NOT CRAZY BY INFATUATION that you can make an actual decision on whether to marry them or not"This. This is exactly like the experience I have felt. At the beginning, as we met and seperated for the first time (when in the relationship) I swore to marry her as my tears were running down my face. I miss that feeling a bit... but maybe I should define it more as a drug. However, the aftermath is not bad at all. But it has given me some uncertainty. Are people who are in "true love" always high on this drug? People seems to say yes and no. And surely if I could have this drug all my life I'm pretty sure I would treat my girlfriend like a princess for the rest of her life too, as she is the source of my addiction. But without that drug? Can I really? Right now it is not a problem. I have feelings for her. I feel these feelings are not only love, but also that I care, repsect and concerned about her and her surroundings. And what if that love feeling completely fades, will my interest as well? Will I care at all? Will I have to remind myself of the past to insanity? Or is this something that can be kept be hard work? I have started to realize a relationship requires hard work. But without the drug will I have the dedication and will to do so?This is why your answer lifts some weight off my heart chigirl. Thank you so much for you answer, and I hope to come in touch with you again or see even more replies here, because your thougts have helped me a lot already.@ Danielepew MexicoQuote: "Men who are madly in love don't even stop to think whether they want to marry X; they just do." Thanks for your answer Danielepew, but I feel this is a bit too abstract for me. Does this opinion come from your own person experience as well?@Anonymous123Good to hear from your personal experience. I'm very curious to hear how long have you and your husband been together now? Not to sound like a sexist but I had wished you were a man, because sometimes I am not too sure if love is universal for both genders. Thank you so much for your answer!@YoucannotbeseriousQuote: "If you already have feelings of misgiving, these are unlikely to go away."I'm curious if this is something you've experienced yourself or that of those you mention you've observed. It is one of the things I fear, that I may this feeling lingering with me as I go into marriage with her. And I do not want lie to her or myself and corrupting our relationship in the process.The thought of leaving her is terrifying. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. Leaving her is so hard that I'm about to ask someone to lock me into a prison until it is all lost. But even though I realize this, the feeling still lingers. And as I have said, it confuses me to no end. Thank you so much for your answer!And thanks again to everyone here for the feedback. I hope to hear more and if not, I'd hope to send you all some messages asap. Really, thank you so much.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 December 2016):
 I think you'll regret getting married if you go ahead with it, you're clearly not thinking straight at the moment by having to ask for advice. But to marry someone you had to ask for advice from strangers on the internet is crazy.
If you don't naturally want to marry someone then it's definitely not the correct decision.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 December 2016):
Clearly not ready for marriage. She should marry someone who *wants* to marry her and is *ready* to be married. 22 - 25 and doesn't seem at all ready - hence the indecisiveness here.Whatever your reasons for marrying, when you know, you know - You're even considering leaving because You're not ready to be married. Shouldn't rush to marry before ready, no matter how good the lady is.OP, do you want to get married next year? If the answer is no or "I'm not sure", you're not ready and need to let her go to find someone who is.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 December 2016):
I feel like I have to stand up for marriage a bit here. It's not about LOVE! So many people have this misconception, I can see from the answers you receive.
To marry someone is not a statement of love. To marry someone is wanting to be married, to live in a committed relationship that you dedicate yourself to, that you will have a family with this person and raise children with, that you devout yourself and make sacrifices for each other, want to build something together and support one another. Marriage is an arrangement of practicality, an economic union far more than an emotional union.
People who just merely LOVE one another do not need to marry, they can be in a relationship and just live together, and their love will still be fine. If you want to marry someone you do it because you want to have just one partner and build a family and a home with that one partner and have someone you can support and who supports you for life.
I would link marriage more closely with a business agreement, than I would with love, because it's far more related to a business than anything else. You sign papers, you get locked to each other financially, legally etc. Its not about love, it's about sharing responsibilities with another person.
Tons of people can be IN LOVE and not want to be married. There's no natural link between love and marriage. People who are IN LOVE should not marry, if you ask me, because when infatuated you don't see straight and think everything is rosy and rainbows and puppies etc. It's when you realize that no one is perfect, and know your partners bad sides too, and ARE NOT CRAZY BY INFATUATION that you can make an actual decision on whether to marry them or not. Marriage should be done with reason, and the head, not the heart.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 December 2016):
OP, when you marry someone, you *both* have to be ready and want it wholeheartedly. The fact you're not sure whether to marry or break up shows that you're not ready and it's not what you want yet.
You need to let her go to find someone who is ready and does want it asap.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2016): I hope you are not one of those nutters who is doing a last minute palaver about should i marry or should i walk away and never think of her again !
You dont sound too sane!
You have no rights over her life!
You know that you are no good!
See a doctor or psychiatrist or the police if you have been playing cat and mouse and are amping it up to a vicious finale
and dont expect us to approve or justify your actions.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 December 2016):
 In my experience - and I am a notorious "people watcher" and have seen this many times - people who marry because they have two options: get married or split up - inevitably split up fairly quickly anyway. They are being virtually bullied into marriage when they are not sure that is what they really want but they are also not sure they want the alternative. If you already have feelings of misgiving, these are unlikely to go away. Nobody can give you a magical or scientific formula for whether a relationship will endure the rigours of years and years of every day life. Some of the most unlikely matches last for ever, while some of the most "perfect" matches fizzle out overnight. However, if you are not 100% sure, if the thought of losing this girl does not fill you with utter horror and dread,then do her a favour and let her go. Just my advice.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 December 2016):
 I think Danielepew nailed it. People who are truly in love don't stop and think if they want to marry that person; they just do.
My husband knew that he wanted to marry me within a week of meeting me and he tells me that he never had a doubt. That's the thing about love. You either feel it from the word go and you just know. Or you don't and there's nothing you can do about it. That's why they say, you can never force yourself to love someone.
If you have to ask yourself so many questions and keep wondering, then it's probably a huge no. Take it from me, if you were in love, you'd never have these questions. There's no doubt that you love her, you're just not IN love with her. And that's a huge difference.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 December 2016):
 In my opinion, the mere fact you are not sure about marrying her is proof that you don't want to marry her. Men who are madly in love don't even stop to think whether they want to marry X; they just do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2016): Your gut says break up with her, I don't see how there is anything else to discuss. Always go with your gut.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 December 2016):
I say marry her.
Btw you mean "unsure" not "insecure".
Here are the reasons why you should marry her:
1. After 3 years together, you still want to be with her. You haven't been able to piss her off yet, and she hasn't pissed you off yet either. You accept and tolerate each other to the extent that you both want to continue being together. After 3 years, if you still feel like you want her and the sex is great, that's just about as good a guarantee anyone can ever get.
2. Marriage isn't about love. The question isn't if you love her enough, or if you're certain you will love her until you die. No one does, and no one can answer such a question and knowing it 100%. What they choose to tell themselves is one thing, but no one are fortune tellers and can see the future, so no one knows this. People who marry do not marry because they love each other. They marry because they believe in the institution of marriage. People who marry because they are in love, well, they also divorce within 5 years because infatuation is proven by science to always DIE. So if you marry purely because you love the other person, there's almost a guarantee you will divorce.
People with lasting marriages stay married because they want to be married. It's something they decided upon probably when they were children already. And it's a question you need to ask yourself now, not "Do I want to marry her" but "Do I want to be married". And I think you do, here's why:
-You want to, and are willing to, sacrifice for her, and she does the same in return
-You enjoy the stability of a relationship, the ones that are long term and predictable
-You have already made long term plans with her, as to where to move and whether to have children or not (and the fact that you agree on upbringing is a HUGE bonus, believe me...!)
3. You love her. Yes, I know I stated love didn't have anything to do with marriage, but it is a huge bonus to a relationship, and you do need to maintain a relationship even when you are married. But people who have arranged marriages where only point number 1 and 2 count (and yes, people do get married for just what I wrote in point 1 and 2) don't necessarily love each other. The marriage can still last and be a good thing, but having love in a marriage is romantic ;)
You don't want to lose her, that much is clear. You just can't guarantee anything, but no one can. What I do know is that if you guys have made it this far, you probably will be able to make it at least the next 10+ years. In which case I don't see why you shouldn't marry.
Unless, of course, you discover that you are against the institution of marriage and never want to be married by principle.
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reader, jls022 +, writes (19 December 2016):
As someone who wasted 6 years on a man who was 'never quite sure' whether he wanted a future with me, I'd urge you to end things with this woman. Three years is more than enough time to decide if someone is the one, and if you're still not sure it means she's not it for you. So do the decent thing and allow her to move on and meet someone else asap. You said yourself that she is already being judged for still being single at her age, so end it NOW and give her time to meet someone who really loves and wants her.
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reader, Nittynora +, writes (19 December 2016):
 I think you need to be honest with this girl, you need to let her go. Anyone who needs to ask if they should marry should not. You say you are stressed I bet she is more stressed because she probably knows herself deep down. You must make a decision, and not to have a trial separation either because its not fair to walk away and then go back and the walk away again. You have too many questions and doubts. Hope it works out for you both
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2016): Fear of the future is holding you back.Now that youve put in all the groundwork youre thinking of letting her go to some crusty other guy because you chickened out.You will end up sitting o n park benches looking at single ads wishing you could see her smile at you again, maybe even wishfully watching kiddies playing in a playground thinking one of those little toddlers could have been yours and instead you are that childless strange man that children are taught to avoid.Are you scared to hear a child call you "daddy!"Are you scared to be in love?What kind of person plans on discarding a wonderful person youve had good times with for a cold intellectual discussion.Listen to the radio alone for that , but if you want the love and the warmth and the happy delight get the ring and get down on one knee and ask if she will marry you.It can be romantic even if youre wearing old jeans and riding a skateboard.She will hug you and kiss you and say yes, unless she has already got the impression you are backing off.I dont suppose you are fluent in chinese so i doubt if your conversation is that enlightened either, but time will tell.You could get married and get started on your love story where you can cherish a woman with natural heart and energy and be thankful that you have found each other.Others do it.Committment is far less daunting than you imagine it to be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think N91 is probably right. You have wasted too much of this woman's time.
But, if you walk away from her never look back.
It sounded on first reading as if she were a good match. However your words are revealing: "If we were friends, I don't think I would be too invested."
There you have it. You aren't that interested now. You've had the sex. You have had the love, but you aren't that invested.
I feel a little sorry for her. I think she deserves better. Just the wrong person at the wrong time.
Yes, I feel like I wasted too much of her time. But as you said, I have to never look back. And not too long ago I was not ready to do that. But I am starting too. Simply because I can't settle my mind.
You said my phrase gave me away. You're right. But let me take it back a little bit because it is not completely like that. I do enjoy the things we do together. We've had lots of fun together. But when I'm saying this, I am looking at my old childhood friend and comparing them as Friend vs Friend and in that aspect I can't feel the same chemistry.
I tried to seperate all these feelings into category as which you seem to do. Like that I had my love and my sex. I am really curious if it is something that you seperate all together? The fun we have together is amplified by the love I feel for her which in turn amplifies the fun we have. And the same with sex of course.
So if I then look at her seriously, I should then disregard the primal things such as love & sex, and look at how we suit as friends?
And yes, she deserves better. But all her life she's been dating the wrong men. And chances are in that culture, it is hard for her to find a good man that truly loves her within that time frame. When I started to understand this and the situation around her, I wanted to stay with her. Not leave her. But I am starting to see now how incredibly stupid I have been.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@N91 Right, I can understand this. And it usually the answer that comes up on a goolge search. And I can understand it.
But it is hard to put my head around. I am sure with experience, I could tell. But right now I can't. If I can live every day with her now, I would feel wonderful. And it has always been such. But this time issue stresses me. How do I know that we will grow together, and not apart? Perhaps this was more of the answer I was looking for. I am also very much leaning on just ending it for the same reason you suggested but I was hoping for something less abstract of an answer I can chew on and make my own conclusions. But thank you so much.
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reader, Denizen +, writes (19 December 2016):
 I think N91 is probably right. You have wasted too much of this woman's time.
But, if you walk away from her never look back.
It sounded on first reading as if she were a good match. However your words are revealing: "If we were friends, I don't think I would be too invested."
There you have it. You aren't that interested now. You've had the sex. You have had the love, but you aren't that invested.
I feel a little sorry for her. I think she deserves better. Just the wrong person at the wrong time.
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reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (19 December 2016):
 Agree with N91. If you have to convince yourself to marry someone, please do them a favor and break it off. You should marry someone because no other girl comes close to who she is and what she gives you. You should marry someone for passion and for security, but most of all because you cant imagine your entire life without them. Love doesnt make sense but without that person, nothing makes sense. If the idea of losing her doesnt shake you up, make you sleepless, cry or feel angry at the world..then
trust your gut, break it off and move on.
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reader, N91 +, writes (19 December 2016):
If you even have to debate one second whether you should marry someone then the answer is no.
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reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 December 2016):
"Whether to marry, or to leave my girlfriend" - you never marry someone when leaving is something you're considering. If you aren't 100% ready to marry her, don't. That very statement means you shouldn't be marry her and should let her go.
You're young and she's (culturally) running out of time, which means you're at different stages of life. She can't keep putting her life on hold when you're still insecure about your relationship after 3 years. Where you are mentally is okay, but it's not right for her.
Let her go to find someone who is in the same stage of life as she is.
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