A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi allive been seeing this guy for 4 yrs now, i met him 2yrs after finally freeing myself and my children from a 16yr physical voilent relationship...when i met this new guy i was obviously cautious but started to relax enjoy and let my barriers down,well over 4yrs i have paid for everything in what we've done, meals,drinks etc he's never taken me out and has cheated on me but blaintly told me never introduced me to he's family or friends, he lives at home with he's parents.....he is mentally cruel and im just stuck, he knows i love him ive tried on many occasion to walk but the minute he gets back in touch i go back, he critacises me constantly and tells me we're just fun!!!! im heartbroken and want to move away from him but i love him so much,he had a very bad marriage breakup 9yrs ago and cant get close to anyone...we're rowing constantly lately,he comes to my house twice a week and i supply financially the 3 course meal, drink, clothes for him,money theres nothing ive not done for him and he's done nothing for me...please help with any advice as i feel so low,worthless that i just sit at home now doing nothing, he hasnt even got to know my children in the 4 yrs..please help!!!!
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cheated on me, heartbroken, lives at home Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Plain Jane  +, writes (3 May 2007):
 YOur story reminds me of a book call, Many Lives, Many Masters - Brian Weiss MD. (www.brianweiss.com) Perhaps you may want to consider to do some read up on this book.
I really this can help you to understand yourself and both of yours relationship better and everything will turn positive.
Plain Jane
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your reply martini and i agree fully with all you said, i think ive done a good thing to start with by saying to him that its over, i can only take a day at a time, it will take time for me to re adjust to normal way of living and hopefully be happy but im going to try and focus on the fact i found the strength and courage to take the first step that i took,ending it!!which is the hardest thing to do....
thank you all for your support,advice that as well gave me confidence to end it BIG THANX xx x
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A
male
reader, martini  +, writes (29 April 2007):
 Well I say Ms. 36-40, I know you're frustrated, angry, irritated to no end, but further dwelling on this subject matter would not do your heart, let alone your sanity any good. So with that said, it's time for you to try to shed your feelings of "What if" and do what's best for your health and the health of your children.
I have an uncle who treats his wife very poorly. He doesn't physically abuse her, but with nearly 20 years of emotional and mental abuse, I think it can be translated just as worst or even worst. I would like to stand up to 240 pounds of muscle and meat, but my family is passive and I lack support. Where as I hope that one day, my aunt can escape from such a horrible existence, at least you have the will to recognize these wrongs. So your next step, your next few choices should be quite clear to you already.
The worst of men and women in this world, always choose to blame others for their actions, even justifying their actions because of that, no matter how dishonorable and no matter how ridiculous it may be. Leave his ass, just do it. Plug your ears, and run away. This world would be a much better place, without blamers like him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmartini
i cannot fatherm out how he can see no wrong,im the mad one and believe me when they keep saying it you end up believing it!!!!
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A
male
reader, martini +, writes (28 April 2007):
Ah how typical of an abuser blaming others for his deeds eh?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi again
just wanted to up date you....i finally plucked the courage to tell him its over, explained that i cannot take anymore of he's abuse and cheating nasty ways, he's response to that is I MADE HIM THE WAY HE IS...so now im thinking did i?, i feel very deflated then angry and then hurt but im determined to not go back, it hurts so much to realise i ment nothing,the only other dilema ive got that i didnt mention is that 6weeks ago i bought him a new motorbike that he wanted and had it sprayed in some racing colours and now its ready to collect, he asked me what am i going to do with it and that i should give it to him still and i dont no what to do cos i feel just take it then the other side of me says y should i when he treated me that way and do i need the burden of a 9k bike around me to try and sell but i dont want to be hated for not giving, oh what a mess im in...what should i do....xxx
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A
female
reader, Jay Jay +, writes (26 April 2007):
 Hiya again, I'm so glad that you have decided to final leave this manipulator, as we have all said you deserve so much better than the way you have been treated.Iagree with what Penta said about letting the police know about where you are and what you are about to do. The last thing that you want to do is put yourself in any kind of dangerous situation, if not the police then take someone with you who can sit near by incase it turns a bit nasty.Good luck , I realy hope that you go through with it. Then you can hold your head high and get on with the resy of your life.
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (26 April 2007):
 Good for you, and good luck!
BTW, just in case, you should tell the local police what you're going to do and where (before you do it) and that if you call with an emergency that's why. When they get a "heads up" like this, they take it seriously.
My sister found out that the man she had been living with was guilty of abuse (spent time in jail) with his last gf. Since he had been escalating his anger, she decided she didn't want to be the next one hit, so she rented a moving van and all of us took the day off from work to move her out (while he was at work). She told the police what she was doing and why before she started.
He came home unexpectedly, and we called the police. They got there immediately and made him sit on the curb while we moved her out. They made him be polite about it too.
Don't be afraid to ask for help with this. You and your children are worth it! Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanku anon for your reply... ihave reapeatedly read over everyones replies to my quest....and have thought deeply on what and how to sort this out and have decided that i am going to leave this guy, obviously unless youve been in any kind of abusive relationship it is not as easy to walk wen the abuser has a control over you but im not going to be intimadated anymore, im meeting up with him tonight and im going to stand with my head held high and say what i need to and walk just remembering that if he says anything callous its a problem he has not me, im not going to be abused any more, god i hope its as easy as i hope it will be...lol
im doing this for myself to be strong for my beautiful children, 16yrs of physical abuse with my first bf, 4yrs mental abuse with my current one and a childhood of physical and mental abuse i think enough is enough.wish me luck guys, im crapping it but im going to stand up to these bullys now before i slump any further....xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): You and your children deserve so much more...Eventually you will leave, you know this. Why prolong it... I will never forget the day (must have been 2 or 3 months after I left my abuser) anyway, I will never forget the feeling and reality of freedom! It sucks to leave, but you might as well get it over with and move on to a life out here with those of us who are actually enjoying life...It is your right!!!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you again for all your replies and the strength behind them, having been in a voilent relationship and currently in a mental abusive one is an isolated world, you cut of from everyone like i have friends etc as its easier to say leave him but its a weird way of thinking that i no i should i no its damaging but its like they have a spell over you that they wave there magic wand and you just stay, the violent relationship looking back was the easiest to leave as the support of police,doctors etc could see the visable signs, as for mental abuse its a silent world to be in...i do so want to get away from him as i realise he doesnt care he just uses me financially, ive lost my business and life savings over this guy to fund him for all that he wants and im just scared to be on my own again to get threw it but i will as there would of been no point of me asking for all you guys support, thankyou so much for your support it means so much..x x x
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female
reader, blackbeltcadet +, writes (25 April 2007):
Every woman deserves a man who is gonna treat her right! here ae better men out there and you should either lay down the line with him or say its over. Growing up I come from a domestic violence situation, so I kinda know how it is (at least from the child's veiw) and beleive me... it will just get worse. You arestronger than that and you deserve someone who will love you. Men like that are manipulators... they only act lovey-dovey when they want you to trus them again. Leave him and save yorself the pain. Find someone better. Yo are a human being and are entitled to love. Abuse, whether its verbal, physical or mental, is NOT love, by any standard... and anyone who tries to tell you other wise is dead-wrong. Find someone worth your time.
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A
female
reader, Jay Jay +, writes (24 April 2007):
You havebeen very strong so far by getting away from your first abusive relationship even though you haven't broken all ties. Keep that inner strength that you found on that first day strong and in the front of your mind. Someone who can get through that in the way you have knows that they are capable deep down of carrying on in a strong and positive way, if not for you then for your children. I walked away from a physicaly and mentaly abuseive relationship with a four month old baby, he was ten last week. Ever day I look into his eyes and know that as hard as it was to break those ties at first it was the best thing I have ever done, its easy to fall into that kind of relationship again. You deserved better the first time which is why you walked away you most deffinatly deserve better second time arround. Dont settle for a scum bag who thinks you are there to be walked alover again, if he knows your weakness hes going to play on it. Be independant instead of being drawn to men who are going to use and abuse you, your children will use your strengh as they grow older as an example, rather that that end up in the same kind of abusive relationships because they know no different. Be safe and be strong. x
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (24 April 2007):
Sweetheart, you need more support than I am able to get you from here. Call your local police department, and ask them for the closest spousal abuse support group (or battered women's shelter). There are places where they will help you disappear, and you really need this. These groups will really be able to help you. You are not alone -- please look for the help that's there!
Lots of hugs to you. Know that you and your children are worth much better treatment. Once you get out from under all this you will feel better, too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your reply, all that you said i totally agree with but feel so worn out that ive no strength to move forward, my ex still verbally controls and abuses me and despite court injunctions has beaten me up twice since i left him, as for the current one ive just put the phone down to him after telling me im nothing to him and that he takes advantage of me and will not put any effort into the situation we have.all i want is to be happy and to and trust,but thank you anyway x x
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (24 April 2007):
Well, the short answer is to tell him not to come around anymore and to mean it. You know that's the answer, too.
I know that this is going to be hard. But you have to heal from your past abuse before you can move on to the healthy relationship you and your children deserve. If you can't do it for yourself, please do it for your children. They need to see what a healthy relationship is so that they don't go looking for one like they see you have.
Try to find some kind of abuse support group in your area -- surround yourself with women who have been through this so that you know you're not alone. You deserve so much better. Please just run from this man like your ass was on fire, and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007): To me you have answered you our question! He isnt nice for many reasons 1, he hasnt introduced you to his relatives! you say you have been with him for 4 years thats bad man! and 2 he hasnt bothered to get to know your chaildren also cheating on you and telling you! just because he has a bad marriage doesnt mean he cant let his barriers down after all you have let yours down for him~!
Leave him girl you can do so much better!
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