A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i lost twins recently and my husband dont seem to care what should i do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Hi im so sorry and no how you feel and how your husband feels to.we have just lost twins 3 days ago.we have been trying to have a baby for over two years now and my wife has lost them befor.its very hard for men to let go.but he is feeling just the same way as you and its going to be very hard.the only way forward for you both is to talk.deal with one day at a time and no matter what you do try not to push him to hard he will let go and open up when he's got his head round it.all our love mark &jan
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): I cant begin to understand what you are going through and sadly time is the only healer. your huband is probably very angry with the loss and unable to deal with it at the moment, which is difficult for you as you need his full support right now and you need to griev together. It may appear that he dosnt care but maybe he dosnt know how to deal with this and is afraid of talking about it which is very importaint as it is part of the grieving process. pick a time where you can talk and perhaps explain that you feel angry too but it is time to let go and have a cry together time will heal wounds, and be asured that your twins are at peace. god bless
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): Sorry about your loss. Maybe this is your husband's way of coping with it by pretending that he doesn't care about them (when really he does). You could have a chat with him and ask him if this is his way of showing his emotions about losing the twins. Also chat about their death.
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A
female
reader, Farris +, writes (5 March 2007):
 Your husband might just have a different way of dealing with it than you do. Some people prefer to mourn the loss comprehensively and get depressed, whereas some others adopt the attitude of "getting on with things" to preoccupy themselves. There are many different coping strategies that people have to deal with things like this; it's very likely that your husband is feeling the same way as you, but just is coping with it differently.
If this really upsets you, then you should make that known to your husband, but you should also be sensitive to his feelings... Just ask him what's going on in his head rather than accusing him of not caring.
Best wishes & Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): I recently lost a baby too and my partner just seemed to retreat into his own little world that didn't involve me!! It took him a while to come to terms with it but he did in his own way and time! Give him some space to sort things out for himself and everything will be ok.....Everyone is different in how they deal with things.... Everything is fine now with us and he can now talk to me about it...
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (5 March 2007):
 Unfortunately men do not have the ability to bond as early as women with their unborn children, simply because it is the women that carry the babies and experience all the physical symptoms of being pregnant.
Your hubby may simply be avoiding the subject in order not to cause you pain by bringing it up all the time. Have you tried ot talk to him about this?
How far advanced was you pregnancy, I am guessing in the earlier stages. Only guessing mind you. Simply because he may have shown more emotion if he had seen the babies born then lost them.
To tell you the truth hunny this is a very difficult question to answer as you don't give away very much information.
Please contact us with more info so we can help you more fully.
xx
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A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (5 March 2007):
 I'm very sorry for your loss.
Assuming that you both were excited about the babies, instead of breaking down in tears or being visibly shaken by the news, maybe your husband reacts by shutting down. Perhaps by pretending that they were no big deal, he can deal with tomorrow or the idea of another baby. Life can be more bearable sometimes when you choose not to feel. Watch him closely, and try not to take it personally. There's only so long that a person can deny that an event has happened, before the denial becomes very damaging.
How are YOU handling it? It must be very lonely if you are the only one who is visibly grieving. I imagine that he tries to push or change the topic when you bring it up, is that true? If his uncaring attitude really irks you, you should ask him about it and ask if you want to go see a counsellor together. If he thinks counsellors are hogwash, then tell him that you're grieving and want to know if he is grieving too. Just because he seems uncaring, doesn't mean that he is.
At the same time, however, grieving has to come to an end. Grieve as you need to, but if you prolong it, it prevents the living from living on. I can't help but remember a Desperate Housewives episode where Gabriella is taught to say Goodbye to her unborn child.
That is what you'll need to do eventually. Maybe you can make a capsule or a treasure box and place in it some toys or baby's clothing that was meant for your twins. If you have a garden, you can bury it there and memorialize it with a tree.
I know it sounds really new-agey, but sometimes you need a visible symbol to mark the beginning or the end of something. I hope your husband will support you, regardless of what you do. You need to remind him that you need a shoulder to cry on for now, and you have to watch out for his needs. If he needs space, give him space.
I wish you all the best.
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