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I lost my virginity to some random girl while drunk, while I really like this other girl. Should I tell her?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 March 2012) 7 Answers - (Newest, 17 March 2012)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ok I basically lost my virginity last saturday, I was so drunk that I literally cannot remember what happened, the whole night was a blank. I only found out I had sex the next morning.

The problem is I am into a girl, who is also into me, but she came out of an intense relationship and doesn't want anything serious. She said it was fine if i got with other people, but in a sober mind I would never have anyway. The problem is do I tell her i lost my virginity to some absolutely random girl because even though we're not serious I feel guilty and feel like she deserves to know.

View related questions: drunk, lost my virginity

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012):

"The problem is do I tell her i lost my virginity to some absolutely random girl because even though we're not serious I feel guilty and feel like she deserves to know."

First, how can you be sure you lost your virginity if you were so drunk you can't remember, which raises the likely posibility you were so drunk you couldn't perform sexually? I wouldn't rule out the possibility some chick could have taken drunken advantage of you not to have sex, but to pass off a baby she's already conceived or with whom she's hoping some other guy knocks her up as either yours or his depending on what she stands to gain from baby daddy/maybe daddy drama. Happens on daytime soap operas and trashy talk shows all the time.

Assuming you have been officially deflowered (hope it wasn't webcast live as it happened), no need to tell the other girl yet as a serious relationship may not be in the cards for entirely unrelated reasons yet to be discovered or revealed.

I suspect this other girl is a quality person whom you know would not take kindly to such irresponsible and inexcusable behavior (sorry, being drunk is not an alibi, it's the factor that renders your conduct inexcusable). If she's harboring any possible intentions to get serious with you, you know they could possibly end the instant you confess, which you will when/if the time comes because you made a dumb youthful mistake but you're not a bad guy and you respect her too much to do anything other than be painfully honest.

Very unfortunate situation, sounds like you regretted it immediately, wished it never happened, and you likely will regret it for life. That's the type of recklessness that results when people too young to drink responsibly drink irresponsibly.

Can only hope she is not pregnant and you didn't contract a sexually transmitted disease, among other unpleasant consequences that could also include an unexpected confrontation with a big, mean, ornery, unreasonable, enraged boyfriend with a head full of lies thanks to your first's throwing you under the bus to cover her own shapely contoured buttocks (or fat pimpled ass, whatever the case).

Good luck, hope things work out, if they do consider yourself extremely lucky to have dodged this bullet and don't ever EVER put yourself into a situation where even the remotest possibility exists that you could do something so stupid and embarassing and shameful and dangerous again. (I'm a veteran uncle, lectures mean more

coming from me than parents because I have no authority over you yet your parents would believe anything I said to them about you).

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (17 March 2012):

Danielepew agony auntIf the girl you want has already told you she doesn't want anything serious, I wonder how it is that she is "into you". I would think she's not interested beyond the surface.

If that is the situation, I would suppose that a) either you are not serious about being "into her" either, since you had drunk sex with anybody just like that, or b) you didn't have sex with anybody just like that, but were sad that this girl is not going with you and had to have an outlet. In either case, I don't see a reason why you should tell anything at all to Girl A, the one who is into you but doesn't want anything serious with you.

By the way, it's not good to have sex just on impulse. Think before you do. If you're going to have drunk sex, you need to have put some thought into it. As in "this is what I want, warts and all".

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012):

Hi, guys cheers for the responses to my post

my only worry is that she knows i was a virgin, and if i tell her, her perception of me being this sort of 'genuine, sweet, nice' guy will change even though i am all of that, but one horrid night ruined it. I feel like things will eventually get serious with her because we've known each other for a few years and only now just started getting together over the past month, but she has kissed other boys and i said fine. but that doesn't justify what i 'apparently' did

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A female reader, shrodingerscat United States +, writes (17 March 2012):

shrodingerscat agony auntShe's not your girlfriend, so no. It's not cheating, you didn't do anything wrong, so you have nothing to "confess".

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A male reader, cg4eu United States +, writes (17 March 2012):

Virginity is overrated, or rather, good for you if you are... but many people are not. I think if you were not dating this girl at the time, it's totally fine to never bring it up (even if you were already flirting) just like a person normally wouldn't bring up past girlfriends anyways.

If that doesn't help your conscience, you were basically taken advantage of, (technically the girl could have been just as drunk, but) if you don't want to call it date rape, it's pretty close. That's nothing for you to be ashamed of other than maybe now you should know to never drink so much.

If you were casually dating, you could probably bring it up, it's a bad idea to keep those sort of secrets.. especially considering what you don't say and how you say it can mean thousands of more words to the girl than you intend.. I'd just tell her it was a mistake and you don't even know what happened and never would normally... but that could take you into a serious relationship which you or her might not want yet.

I guess if you did keep it secret, if you did black out, you don't remember anything so you'll probably still screw like a virgin. (Heck you could even still be one, you don't know, you could have never made it and passed out before the deed really happened or completed!) I'm only joking, look.. in a way you are a bit of a victim even though you created your own problem, don't feel too guilty about the deed that occurred other than take it as a lesson for the future.

If you two were officially dating, maybe tell her, otherwise not unless she brings it up (to which you have to tell her the whole story and then make some sort of claim to keep that from happening regularly).

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A female reader, VSAddict United States +, writes (17 March 2012):

VSAddict agony auntI don't think it would do any good to tell her. You're not serious about her, she hasn't asked any questions about your sexual past, and she's allowing freedom for both of you. I would just cross the bridge when you get to it. If she ever asks any questions, then answer them as you like. But I don't think you should give that personal information to someone you're not very familiar or serious with.

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A female reader, PatientlyWaiting1 United States +, writes (17 March 2012):

No. Not at all. And you should not play with fire like that ever again. STD's are very real and you need to be careful. She is not your girlfriend so you do not need to let her know. Just don't make her believe she took your virginity if you do get with her.

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