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I lost a good friend and now feel guilty

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 December 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 5 December 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Dear All

I just need some advice.

About 4 months ago I met a girl online as a language exchange partner. Purely platonic. We talked a lot and became really good friends. As we grew closer she said many things that made it clear she was not looking for a relationship, and would have to go back to her country at the end of the university year whilst I have to stay here for 4 years at least.

Examples include her saying that she didn't let boys be her boyfriend and just made friends with them. She also told me I should try to find a girlfriend from my own country and that she may not contact me after she goes back home. So that was that. We talked most days as good friends. I was interested in her at first and she joked if I would call her baby one day, to which I said I think we should meet and see how we are to which she replied that she doesn't let people be her boyfriend etc.

I then met her in person for the first time on her birthday, we had a nice time and during the trip I found her to be quite attractive but once against knew I couldn't act on those feelings. As we were waiting for my train home together, another friend called me who was a girl. I was on the phone for less than a minute and that was that.

However that is when it started to get strange. She kept asking me about the girl who called me. Where was she from, how did I know her, how often did I talk to her, did I like her etc. She told me if she had a boyfriend she wouldn't let him talk to other girls and that made me think maybe she wasn't the girl for me after all.

Every day after this meeting was just weird. Sometimes she would talk to me and then just say good bye and not talk to me again for 2 days and then message me again. She was awkward, told me she wanted to experience new things like kissing and sex with someone but wanted to be serious and then eventually decided she shouldn't get a boyfriend due to the fact she would go back home. She was talking about a different guy she had met so I presumed it was him.

She then told me she would contact me less in future and didn't reply to me a for a few days. She also called me an idiot for no reason.

Then out of the blue she messaged me and told me she wanted to not be serious but couldn't do it, so had to be serious and wanted to know if I wanted a serious relationship with her. I told her I wanted to meet her again and I needed more time to decide.

She told me if I wanted more time I meant I didn't like her and I had to decide now. I did like her, but I was not sure. We had only met once. she said I could Either be serious with her or lose her as a friend. I told her I was not ready, I was nervous and wanted more time. She said she would give me a final chance and I said I just wanted to stay as friends because it was clear she wouldn't give me more time and she said goodbye, blocked me on everything and told me we are strangers now.

I know from reading this you will think the girl is a total lunatic and actually typing it out I am starting to agree, however for months prior to meeting her she was lovely, sweet, kind, smart, interesting etc. I had never seen a bad side to her until the day after we met when she started to act really controlling and made me doubt if she would be a good person for me hence why I wanted more time.

I feel like I did the right thing but I feel down. I lost a good friend, lost an opportunity maybe and althought I feel like I did the right thing I feel ilke a bad person for rejecting her.

Do you have any advice? How can I get over the guilt?

Was she unreasonable or was I asking too much?

View related questions: kissing, university

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2017):

I read this with my bemused confussed face .. She told you, she wishes to be friends and at the beginning I could see her point why ..friends though don't gaslight one another and if they are busy they may say oo busy for few days catch you through the week on text etc . As it's just manners . The texting and stopping with indication why .. would have done my nut in . So good on you, sticking through that .. only to met and her to decided hmm he's really okay. I want more .

Once you decided and agree on friends - it's friends.. She didn't want a friend really. But people to pick up and lay down like toys .

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about .. I had a female friend make a guy who couldn't make his mind up just a friend. He keeps trying to flirt and she now keeps ignoring in a nice way . As to hee he had a chance and didn't want it . Just because things didn't work out for him she being something more. It doesn't work

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2017):

I read this with my bemused confussed face .. She told you, she wishes to be friends and at the beginning I could see her point why ..friends though don't gaslight one another and if they are busy they may say oo busy for few days catch you through the week on text etc . As it's just manners . The texting and stopping with indication why .. would have done my nut in .

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (5 December 2017):

N91 agony auntGuilty for what exactly?

She was hiding her feelings, then all of a sudden decided to spring them upon you. She then started acting erratically trying to play games and when you asked to think about things she flew off the handle and blocked you.

That sounds pretty immature in my books. Yes, you taking your time may seem to her like you're looking to let her down gently, but I think I'd also want to think about things with the way she was acting.

You may think you've made a mistake, but in all honesty I think you've dodged a bullet. If this is how she treats you when you're both single I wouldn't even want to imagine how she would treat a boyfriend. Leave her to it and move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2017):

It's a good thing that relationship went nowhere. She is, by definition, a possessive-abusive-psycho-girlfriend.

You said she was so nice at first? All the more reason to support my statement. If she were a jerk from the beginning, it would mean... she's a jerk. But because of the change in personality...

Abusive datefriends are just like that: they are just nice enough to balance out the bad and make you believe 'they're not really all bad and with some love and attention I could change them.' They've got you on a leash and once you start tugging they let slack so you forget they were trapping you in the first place. Like a kid who wants to tell the cops his dad is hitting him, but just before he makes up his mind his dad buys him an ice cream and all is well again.

She wanted exclusive possession over you. You were her boyfriend even when she wasn't your girlfriend. She wanted control over what she got out of the relationship- and she wanted to leave you on standby. You were a toy to her, and once she spotted somebody else playing with her toy, she went bezerk- resulting in the sudden change of intentions which normally only appears much later on.

Extreme jealousy and suspicion is just another sign of a potentially abusive lover. She was trying to reel you back in with promises when you got too far away. She wanted to keep a permanent grip on you.

Keeping someone from talking to people of a specific gender is step 1. If you got into a serious relationship, you would have eventually lost all cellphone 'privileges' and be unable to contact help when you needed it.

She is a psycho and you caught her out on it early on- caused her to start acting out and showing her true colours. The jealousy was not a fluke- her kindness was. She never wanted to be your friend, so don't feel guilty about pushing her away. You saved yourself from a horror movie.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntTotal lunatic doesn't cover it. But she was also a lunatic who KNOWS how to manipulate people for a certain outcome, except... with you it didn't work.

Someone who tells you:" DATE me NOW or lose me forever!!" Is off their rocker! And in between the whole, I don't want to date boys because XYZ, then go all "Spanish Inquisition" on you when you talk to a girl on the phone, then switches to I want to have sex and be with boys to the Date me or else! It's someone who is either VERY unstable or playing some major mind-F games. Or both.

Yes, I can see why you feel a bit bad. You are MEANT to feel bad whether you had said yes or no... THAT is my guess. Saying no means you rejected her and saying yes could have been turned around as you don't respect her.

If you both are not from the country and speaking the same language, some of it MIGHT also come down to translation and cultural differences but overall... I have to say YOU are much better off not having someone like that in your life.

You DID do the right thing. For many reasons. In your mind just wish her well and let it go. She will be JUST fine and she will find others to play games with.

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