A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It's a long story, but I got laid off from my job last year and I live at home with my mom. I feel like I've failed at life and this wasn't how I thought I would turn out, but this is just background information. What's going on is that I'm constantly upset because my mom and I have had a series of arguments about whether I can do housework. I feel guilty because I don't want to upset my mom, but I feel resentful because I feel a need to clean and organize and I feel like that need is being dismissed. My parents divorced when I was a kid and my mom got laid off from her job and doesn't work, and I rarely get out other than the gym. I don't mean to come across as an ungrateful brat, and my mom has provided me some lovely things, for which I am incredibly grateful. I really do love my mom, but this conflict is driving me insane, and to put it bluntly, my mom is a slob. All I want is to live in a clean house. We've had a series of arguments and I always feel overcome with guilt for upsetting her and frustration because I feel helpless to change things in my life. My mom always says that, "I don't want you taking over," and "I don't want you messing with these things," and I feel bruised. Losing my job ruined my confidence and I feel like a little kid and I just want to be the woman of the house and feel like a woman and not a child. I've never done anything to lose my mom's trust. I'm not stupid, and I know better than throw out something special like my grandmother's knitting or anything. It's just that we have rooms cluttered with junk like empty Tide bottles and used tissues from 1994. I have anxiety, depression and Obsessive Compulsive disorder and messes, clutter and filth upset send my anxiety skyrocketing through the roof. I'm not talking about little messes... I don't mind cat hair on the bed, or clothes on the floor. That's part of a home being lived in, and a spotless house would be creepy. I'm talking about garbage overflowing in the sink, grime on the walls, rooms so cluttered I can't even walk around freely in them. My sister moved out last year (there is a long backstory about my problems with her, but I'm incredibly grateful that she left) and her room is a theme park of biohazards... bookshelves so covered in dust you couldn't make out the titles, nail clippings ground into the carpet, garbage all over the desk and coming out of holes in the wall, half eaten bowls of Cap'n Crunch and milk from 2003, stains that I will not describe. It was disgusting! My mom and I had an argument because I wanted to clean it. She didn't want me to because "I have things in there that I need to sort out..." I couldn't walk past it without getting sick because it stunk so bad. We don't have a trash bin in our kitchen... I've bought one but it wound up in our shed some how. My mom has told me not to take the garbage out. I just want to get up and quietly take the trash out, mop the floor and dust the cobwebs without bothering anyone. I know I'm probably being a demanding brat and I need to pull the stick out of my @ss but this is getting under my skin all the time. I have a need to feel useful and have a routine. Furthermore, I want to feel useful. I have been trying hard to get a job but keep getting rejected (one woman ripped my résumé up and laughed at me in front of her staff) and I just want to feel useful. It made me cry. Let me clarify that I do NOT expect my mother to clean. She worked hard at her job and she needs a break. If I had the money I would pay for a cleaning lady for her but I doubt she would accept. I don't want her to do a thing. All I want to do is to get up and quietly do chores without bothering anyone. My parents are divorced, and I think that it was wrong of my dad to leave my mom. I think that my mom's mess was a factor, but it didn't justify abandoning the marriage, and I think there were better solutions and he wasn't justified in just deserting us. I think my mom is tired and exhausted and suffers from depression and doesn't have the energy to clean, but she could have allowed me to, or just hired someone to do it. I know that I'm being a drama queen but I can't help how I feel. I wish I could just have a house of my own and get my life the way that I want. I would love to have a career and move away to a town that offers me an outlet for my wants and needs but for now, I'm stuck here. I'm a loser and feel like I fail at life, but in spite of that I'm a very reliable person. I've never done anything to lose my parents' trust, and I've always been honest and truthful.I really love my mom but I can't handle being surrounded by messes that trigger my anxiety and OCD, and being helpless to clean them up is causing me so much frustration that I can't stand it anymore. I just wish my mom would allow me to clean and organize. I know it's HER house, and blah blah blah... but all I want to do is clean! I feel guilty because I'm putting demands on her... the house belongs to her, and I don't have a right to put demands on what she can do with her things. On the other hand, are my demands unreasonable? My anxiety is off the charts. I long to just feel like I have a purpose and contribute in some way.
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a break, confidence, divorce, grandmother, money, moved out Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017): Hi, I'm the original poster. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who read this, and listened to me. It really means a lot to me... please believe me.My mom and I have talked about our issues and we've decided that it's time to see a counselor. I would like very much to move out, and have independence and a life of my own but my dream is to have some fulfillment, and stability. I'm saving money for either grad school, or a move to a town that provides a better outlet for my wants and needs. I talked to my mom, and my mom has agreed to allow me to clean the kitchen but I mostly stay in my room when I'm not doing chores. Yes, we have decided therapy is the best way to go as my life is a mess in a lot of respects... so, we'll see how that goes. In the meantime, thank you for writing back to me. The problem with moving out is that we live in a town I REALLY hate... I hate it even more than messes and filth. We live in North Carolina (USA), and we moved here when I was a teenager... maybe it's wrong that I've been hanging on to this resentment all these years, but I am so unhappy in North Carolina. If I moved out I would have to pay to live here and I don't want to pay to live in a state where I'm so miserable. I would like to go back home (to Florida) or just go to another country or something. I want to do more than survive in a place I hate... I'm getting off on a tangent, I know, but I have felt so sad in NC... there is no outlet for my wants or needs, and even though it's been about 15 years, I cry myself to sleep because I miss Florida so badly. I know I've digressed but what I'm getting at is that I feel burdened by the move to North Carolina. Moving back to Florida... I feel like it's an impossible dream but I would do anything to go back home! Maybe I just still resent my parents for moving here, and I should move on but it hurts after all these years.In spite of all that, it means a lot that you listened to me. I feel lonely sometimes...
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 January 2017):
 I too agree with Ruby,
You both have a type of OCD but unfortunately, hers and yours work against each other. You like things neat and clean (I get you!) and she likes to keep STUFF.
IF you are back working, I'd look to moving out asap. For your sanity's sake and for well sanitary reasons too.
It is unlikely that you mom with change, just as it is unlikely YOU will change.
For now though, If your sister's old room is disgusting, close the door. Hw you keep YOUR room, the bathroom, and kitchen, is up to you. That would also mean if the living room and dining room is cluttered stay away from it. Yes, it might mean you spend most of your time on YOUR room for now. Sucks, but let it be a motivator to get out of there asap.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 January 2017):
 I think Ruby really nailed it when she said your Mom most likely experiences the same level of anxiety if the mess is cleaned up as you do living with it. So the only thing you can do is to try and focus all your energy on finding a job and then finding your own place. And yes have your resume looked over by a professional, go to all job fairs, check online and newspapers daily. Funnel all the floor washing energy to search energy. Rejections are usually going to come from jobs you wouldn't have liked anyway. Be strong and get going.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 January 2017):
 Honestly you and your mum are polar opposites, and as it is her house then you just need to follow her rules. Yes it might be difficult but at least you have a roof over your head. You need to stop telling yourself you are a failure and get back out to work, rent a small apartment and take things in baby steps.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (17 January 2017):
 Hoarding is an irrational fear of losing things. A Phobia. Rational Ideas will not solve an irrational mind. Of Course you OCD is similar. You may be able to bargain with mom. "I"m going to go get dishes out of this room. You can check them before I wash and store them." I want to vacuum this carpet. I will move everything to one side of the room and vacuum the other then move everything to the clean side."
In the end the advice you have to find a way to move out is the right thing to do.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (17 January 2017):
I think you need to consider moving out as you and you mother are simply incompatible living together. Is there another relative or a friend that you could move in with until you are able to get work again? And you'll probably be able get so much more done in terms of job searching if you don't have the stress.
The problem isn't just that your mother is untidy - she's a hoarder. Hoarding is another form of OCD where someone cannot bear to be parted from any of their possessions whether or not it has any value or any use or even if it's just plain trash. Google it for more information. So, if you tidy up, your mother will experience just as much anxiety as you experience having to live in the mess. I just don't see how it can be reconciled unless you both go for an awful lot of therapy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): I wish you could move in with me. I always get extremely tired and in pain so that I have to leave a task halfdone!What a godsend you would be and you could empty my bins with my absolute blessing.In short you are an angel.Angels usually live in heaven but if you are an earthly angel you have to try to find heaven on earth.If you cant find it, you have to make it!If your idea of heaven is a peaceful, clean and orderly house then you would be well advised to move out even to a halfway place where you could plan your future.Trying to change mom is a task you dont need.Sorting out little sister is also a thankless task.So concentrate on you.Get your cv reviewed and amended by a proffessional and dress fabulously out of a suitcase.Check the papers daily for opportunities that are genuine.Sign up to job clubs.Revamp your life and move out and leave mom clinging to her mess for now.When she sees what youve achieved in your life she will want more from hers.Be the catalyst for change by getting out there and getting life moving.Ignore the chaos at home.Step over it and above it and send in social services to help mom when you move out.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (17 January 2017):
 You can of course clean some areas which you are entitled to do: your room, the bathroom, probably even the kitchen. With the communal areas you may not be supported by her in keeping it clean but I can't imagine she would stop you.
However I notice your age is 30-35. Is it time for you to leave home? You could get a small apartment - nearby if you feel it necessary - and keep it in a pristine condition to a level of your own satisfaction.
Of course we don't know how possible this would be for you. Do you live in town, or 25 miles from your nearest neighbour? We don't know if you are well paid or just getting by.
You are living your life and must take control, particularly if it is affecting your health.
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