A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hi, this is probably going to sound ridiculous but here goes. I’m currently dating a guy who is 8 years older than me (I’m 19). I know it’s a huge difference but that’s not necessarily what my question is about because our relationship is working really well. When we first started dating, my friends teased me endlessly about going after an older guy. It was all in good fun and they approve of my boyfriend so that’s not the problem. The problem is that after a while, I started to realize that I am almost exclusively attracted to older guys. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had feelings for guys my own age. But it seems that I predominantly lean towards MUCH older men. For example, I’m more likely to think that Hugh Laurie is attractive than some 20 year old actor. My friends teased me because they say this is the “daddy complex”, where I seek out older men because my relationship with my father wasn’t great. And to be honest, it wasn’t. I’ve never had a stable male role model in my life. My Dad is a nice guy, but I see him maybe once a year. He’s never been a responsible, stable or mature father like everyone thinks I needed. And I’m worried that I’m only attracted to my boyfriend because he’s older than me. We started dating because I thought he was attractive, and funny, and he’s incredibly sweet—but now I’m afraid that maybe subconsciously I’m only attracted to him because of the age thing. I’m not looking for a fatherly figure, I’ve done fine without one for 19 years. I don’t want to date an older guy because he’s safe and stable and financially secure and makes me feel “taken care of.” I don’t need to be taken care of and I don’t want that at all. I want a romantic partner. So I probably sound like a nutjob because my BF is NOT a fatherly figure to me. But I’m still freaked out about my exclusive attraction to older men. How do I know if my relationship is healthy and based on love, rather than my unconscious search for a father replacement?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): My Fiance is 20 years my elder. I am 29. I met him 5 years ago and we are madly in love. I think I've questioned him about the age thing, more than he has questioned me. I still get many older references to movies, songs and other things that even *he* doesn't get. There is always something to talk about and the best part about it, is...if one of us doesn't understand a cultural reference due to age or what-not, the other is never condescending when attempting to explain it. I love that about him/us/life together. When I was in High School(16), I was dating a 35 year old. He was cute and nice and ultra-smart(I'm attracted to brainiacs, on top of it all) and we had a lot of fun, not doing a whole lot but talking! Older men are more sexy, imho...I find nothing more attractive than a man's face with a few crows feet. ;) I love my fiance and he has never made me feel *too young*, *immature* or *not old enough to understand*. If you can find yourself a man that makes you feel like that, then you've hit the jackpot. I know that I have! :) Last, but not least...ask your friends if they really think you have a "daddy complex" or if they just don't really understand why you like older men and are searching for the first excuse or *thing they heard* about it. There are much more terrible things than being happy and in love. Ask your friends if they are in love and how THEIR boyfriends make THEM feel. ;)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Wow! Well first of all, take a deep breath and let it all out girl. I infact am 18 and am currently "dating" an incredible guy who happens to be 8 years older too. I don't exactly have the best relationship with my dad either, but trust me, I know for sure that I am not dating an older guy for security reasons or to have a quote-unquote a "father figurehead" in my life. The fact that when your friends commented on it and it really sticking in your head and bugging you like it has shows that maybe you might fear that you really do. You should sit down and go over in your head ( or on paper) all of the great things and ways he makes you feel. If they are based on love and wanting to be a better person, live a happier life b/c of him etc.,then thats good. However if its all about security, being taken care of, safe, and learninig life lessons , etc, etc then I think that might answer your question. Especially if that coinsides with what you've never recieved from your real dad. For now don't worry. And if you know him and love him that well, then age will have nothing to do with it in the end. Because if he was only 2 years older and you had the exact same relationship with him, then you probably wouldn't think twice about you possibly only dating him b/c of his age. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): here is what I see that no one has brought up;
(1)the fact that you are worried about what your friends think
(2) are outlining issues with your father yet in the same breath saying you did "fine" without him *which doesn't ring true
(3) are questioning why you are attracted to your boyfriend
all seem to me like red flags not so much for your relationship but overall, for you.
I think that eight years is not a big deal with two mature, stable people. However, 19 IS young - even if you are "almost" 20, that is still not even drinking age in the USA and you are one or two years into voting in the USA- meaning, just out of being a minor. Pretty young.
My husband is seven years older than me but I never harbored the confusion, at the same time I must say, I was older then a teen when I met him.
Good luck and work on those issues first before worrying about the relationship.
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A
male
reader, uklothario  +, writes (20 December 2007):
My gosh, an 8 year old difference is nothing. My girlfriend is 20 (19 when we met) and I'm 44. So that's a 24-year old difference and I think she has a daddy complex. We've been together almost 1 year and things are going well. The vast majority of her friends are very, very supportive and even flirt with me. Their boyfriends are also typically my age too. The only one to say anything negative was a young australian girl. So, it may be a cultural thing too. Different countries view the age difference with more or less approval. Where I am (China) and surrounding countries, this age difference is not a problem and even encouraged.I would find it very annoying if friends teased me about it. I think they are probably jealous. Hopefully, though, it is good natured teasing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): 8 years is NOT a huge difference. You don't have a daddy complex, I don't think.
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A
female
reader, jadieb  +, writes (13 February 2007):
I hope u dont have a "daddy complex" as i like men who are older than me. I am 19 and currently like a man who is 11 years older than me. There is nothing wrong with it aslong as you are happy and it is what you want
Sounds like your getting treated well and are enjoying the relationship so i reckon you should just enjoy what you have instead of worrying about it
XX
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A
female
reader, Brij +, writes (5 February 2007):
My last boyfriend was 15 years older than me, and I'm 19 too... Older men can be more supportive, just as younger men can be more fun, but there is no way of stereotyping anything. If you have a good relationship, that's all that counts
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007): My boyfriend is 33 years older than me and im not joking
do i have a grandad complex? lol
im 19 well 20 in a few weeks i ve always liked older dudes they're way better. plus loads of older men like younger girls/guys (delete where applicable) without sounding pervy there. theres more on the market for us lol. i can;t say anyone noticed we've been together two years so far and its all good.
love it girl its wicked. and everyone else is right 8 years is like nothing. unless you yourself are 8 then i think there maybe lol. ha ha ha
xxx
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (30 January 2007):
 Your friends are just jealous that they can't get an older man. Eight years is nothing once you get to your age. Don't sweat it.
CD
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 January 2007):
 Sweetie, it takes allsorts. Stop worrying!! If we all liked babyfaced men there would be a queue round the block for them!! Honestly we all have our personal preferences and, not meaning to patronise you but as you get older age becomes way way less of an issue.
x
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (30 January 2007):
 If you were dating me, they might say you had a "Daddy Complex." LOL. Since you're not (too bad for me), don't worry about it. 8 years is nothing. Fahgetaboutit!
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A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (30 January 2007):
 Don't listen to your friends. You say you find him attractive, funny and incredibly sweet and he's only 8 years older than you so he is too young to be your father. You're with him because you like more mature men, simple as that. You're not alone, lots of women out there feel exactly the same as you do, (myself included, my husband is 14 years old than I am), it's perfectly normal and perfectly acceptable. If your mom was 40 years old and was dating a man of 48 would you think he was old enough to be her father? I rest my case!
Enjoy your time with him and I hope you'll be very happy together for a long time to come.
I wish you both all the very best.
Eve
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