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I like my boss, I think he feels the same, but we both have partners and he has kids!

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 November 2008) 23 Answers - (Newest, 5 March 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *azzaa writes:

What do I do, the chemistry is there, the eye contact is there, we still blush even though we've been working together 3 months now. I think about him almost everyday and when he goes home on a friday im the last person he says goodbye to and he looks into my eyes before he goes and I do the same as we know its days till we see each other again - all this and nothing has ever been discussed. He told me the first day we met he has a partner, dropped it into conversation, my heart sank but I tried not to show it, for me it was attraction at first sight. I also have a partner but no kids, he has 2 kids, Id love to think its only the kids he would stay for but I also think Im kidding myself.

I think he has a void in his relationship because of the way he looks at me sometimes bcs I see the look is the same as the one I must be giving him. It is at this point when he usually walks away and looks busy.

Anyone got any idea how I get this guy out of my head when I don't want to? I would never approach him about it, he would have to approach me.

View related questions: my boss

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A female reader, cupid1304 United Kingdom +, writes (5 March 2009):

Hey, this is a really sticky situation, reason I say that is because I'm in the same place. Young, good looking, excellent career, married to an amazing man and we have one child. I too have an amazing/crazy/sexual attraction for my boss, who, yes is also married and about 20yrs older then me. We have actually discussed our feeling for one another as I thought this would clear the air etc...I also wanted to make sure that I was not going crazy. I started find it really hard to contain my feeling and needed to let them out. He told me that he found me very attractive, but that was it, I told him that I thought about him almost all the time (non stop) I have noticed that recently he has been out of the office alot, my thoughts are that he's trying to stay away from me or maybe he hopes that these feelings, either mine or his will disapear. I respect him for that.

I still find this really hard most times, and not sure how to get rid of these thoughts and feelings. The great thing is that there is never a time when we are alone we always have people around us in the office or when we go drinking, so there no chance of us being alone. Thank god, not sure how I would handle it if we were ever alone.

I know the smart thing to do is ignore them, stay strong and I'm trying. Can anyone offer something more???

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A female reader, Gypsii United States +, writes (28 November 2008):

One worker bee said to the other: "Never get your honey from where you make your money."

Don't do it....walk away.

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A female reader, Kazzaa United Kingdom +, writes (27 November 2008):

Kazzaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hobbitt, thanks for ur advice, I'm sorry someone has been messing with ur head too:( Please feel free to send me a private message as we could share stories and ideas.

u deserve better hun, just remember that

Kazzaa

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A female reader, Kazzaa United Kingdom +, writes (24 November 2008):

Kazzaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the encouragement:)

I'm feeling better about myself xoxoxo

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A female reader, Hobbit22 United States +, writes (24 November 2008):

Hobbit22 agony auntThe most important thing to do is be cordial, and don't make eye contact until you gain some strength. Always be polite, because this IS your JOB. Avoid touchinig him back if he touches you, after a while he'll take notice, if not immediately. You will become stronger. I too had strong chemistry with a work scenerio. I just got out of it. I had to take the above steps as we were like friends. For me these tactics are hot off the press. Today he touched me and came up and rubbed my shoulders(he is a touchy person in general), I never reciprocated, just stepped away and pretended to swat him, then 'caught myself'. this is about YOU. I will not be going to the work holiday party because his wife will be there. I don't need to hurt myself. In time I will be strong. It's all in your head. Yes, there is chemistry and i fell for it, then I realized, he's not going to leave his scenerio, so it's just lust then...and not worth the pain I'm in now. Yes, he asked why i was distane, I was too chicken quite yet to be honest, but now, I will tell him, because my PRACTICING, to be cordial and not flirtatious, or responding to his verbal smutt or touch, is making me stronger. {Perhaps we can come out pretty good friends, nevertheless, IT just takes PRACTICING not to be FLirtatious, and in time for you, the chemistry will be chained, and youhave someone, unlike kme who is single still, fall back on your mate. It is all just fantasy I have found, CONTROL your mind. GOOD LUCK it's possible.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008):

Well done!

Somebody once said: "We gain new alternatives for our old behaviors and acquire new resources for future encounters".

This is certainly not failure but rather it is the way that produces lasting change. It is the way of insight and growth.

Remember,

"there is no failure except in no longer trying"(quote by Elbert Hubbard).

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A female reader, Kazzaa United Kingdom +, writes (24 November 2008):

Kazzaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi Guys,

I went to work today and we both avoided each other. I shouted 'hi' to him without going into his office and he shouted 'hi' back.

He went home early today and isnt back in the office until Friday. I hope we can continue this without any further complications. I do not want to wreck my relationship or his family so I will stay away.

What do you think of that anyone?

Kazzaa

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008):

If you know you are attracted to him, and you can't avoid the situation, it's best if you do leave your job which would be the smartest step.

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A female reader, Kazzaa United Kingdom +, writes (23 November 2008):

Kazzaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi Smiles, thanks for all your comments,and you are right, alot is to do with body language and maybe he is an expert at reading it;) Someone mentioned he is an intuitive person,I think he is. But sometimes intuition can be wrong, we cannot only rely on intuition ok??

All I can do is to work harder at not giving out signals... I have been trying. Im a natually warm person so maybe my friendliness comes across as something more (but secretly I want more). I'll work much harder and will definately let you all know how I get on.

Maybe he has also had a good think over the weekend...

Kazzaa

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008):

The first step towards change is admitting the problem; you can tell yourself you've been the victim, but if you want to make a change, you're going to have to tell yourself the truth. This is no time to blame the boss or whom ever; The buck stops here; with you.

A small percentage of communication is verbal; the other is non verbal; It is in the tone of voice; the syntax, facial expression, muscle tension, body language and other physiology; believe me yours might not be exactly subtle (you decide).

You have to ask yourself, is he making you feel this way or are you making yourself feel this way? Nobody can make you feel anything. You are ultimately in command of how you feel.

You can take a few deep breaths, chill out, realize that you are not irresponsible and shrug it off as one of life's little mysteries. Your feelings are a product of your internal dialogue. That becomes your reality, get your adrenaline pumping, making you anxious.

Do your personal audit and make a decision; If you know who you are, if you are secure in who you are, and most important, if you accept who you are, then it will take a lot to knock you off your balance.

"why would he treat me that way?"; does it matter; you know who you are and you are neither validated or deflated by what someone else does, because you haven't given your power to him.You have kept your power; and you know that you are the same person; if he is lavishing you with praise or ignoring you completely no difference.

Be confident and feel secure within yourself. This is a conscious selection that you need to make;

Remember, many men do have "roving eyes"; this does not mean that they are all infidels who will betray their wives or girlfriends; but they might fantasize about the other side of the fence, if only in passing.Men are "wired" differently hormonally and neurologically, they have lower levels of sensitivity and responsiveness to situations that women might find more emotional.

You need to be willing to change what you are doing within the range of who you are.

Don't keep beating your head against the wall; change your auditory appearance,(the way you speak to him), your body language.

You can stop this situation if you want.

As said before, you need to make a decision to stop your feelings and your thoughts.

Just a question: "how compatible are you and your partner sexually?)

Best wishes; lots of smiles; keep us posted.

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A female reader, Kazzaa United Kingdom +, writes (23 November 2008):

Kazzaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bugs, you are lucky to be so clear cut, are you so clear cut about everything in your life?

As I said before, I was asking the rhetorical question, how do I forget this guy when I don't want to? In other words, I have recognised that I SHOULD forget this guy although it will be difficult and I have already said that I avoid him by spending time AWAY from him but he comes and finds where I am to ask me some b.s. question he could have asked the office junior or the domestic, he didnt need to come find me!!!

And don't rule out what im saying, there IS chemistry and I am not projecting, hes the one who I noticed was looking at me and going red, lingering eye contact without looking away, I know I'm right when I say it was him who was attracted to me and should have stayed the hell away, unfortunately the attraction (which is real) is mutual.

I'm a professional person and not someone who lives in fairyland, and I'll be professional about this situation, the main reason was to pour out my heart hear and listen to the advice, most of which has been excellent and actually what I wanted to hear.

I even got engaged to my partner last week as I do love him and wanted to put this attraction to bed forever, however the same boss came in sat down right beside me to talk to others and was STILL in the office while i remained seated, still looking at me and still with a red face smiling, and I wanted to say DONT YOU GET THE MESSAGE? However Im sad to say I still am attracted to him, even with a gorgeous diamond ring on my left hand... HELP

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008):

There will always be people out there that would be more of a match for you and people who are more of a match for your partner, this should be an acknowledged fact. But this point is quite insignificant for all relationships anyways. Fr example it's the same as one having a potential to be the smartest in the world but ends up underachieving where another doesn't have the same potential but ends up overachieving, people's potentials are a small matter academically in the same way it is for relationships, it all depends on how you make it work.

People in a relationship are supposed to have the maturity and responsibility to understand that there are temptations and better prospects, but to stop, refrain and avoid beforehad for anything to develop at all.

Keep that in mind, you may not actually be cheating on your partner, but you're getting yourself immaturely close to it, as they say 'things happen' such is human nature. So understand what I just said and focus on your partner.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008):

* Saying Goodbye is not a sign that the person is attracted to you.When I leave on a Friday I happily say Goodbye to everyone as I get two days to spend with my husband.I smile at everyone.Thankfully we are a bunch of nerds.so no one has read anything in to it so far.

* He looks into your eyes when he says good bye as if he looks down at your chest he can be sued for sexual harassment.A person who has nothing to hide looks at the eyes and talks.Now if he had felt uncomfortable and looked at the wall behind you while talking there was something brewing.

"He told me the first day we met he has a partner, dropped it into conversation,"

* I am a very attractive person.Until I got married it was really tiring saying No to a suitor who just doesn't want to hear the word.Things have turned ugly as some of Indian Men's ego cannot handle the word 'No'.I don't look my age.

Though I wear a wedding ring at all times,if I notice someone admiring me a little more than what is necessary I make it a point to bring my partner into a conversation.A very definite sign of letting the other person know that you are committed and happy.

"It is at this point when he usually walks away and looks busy."

* your boss is a very intuitive person.some guys are.He knows you are giving him the puppy eyed looks.So he walks away and looks busy,hoping against hope that you will get the hint and stop it.It doesn't seem like he has a void in the relationship

As MammaMia rightly says please keep your job safe.If you put half the effort of what you are wondering about your boss into your current relationship,you will not have crushes at all.Trust Me.Everyone else pales in comparison what ever faults your partner has.Love is that Magical.

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A female reader, dearkelja United States +, writes (23 November 2008):

dearkelja agony auntYour choice, your job or a fling with this man who "doesn't have the time to marry the women with his kids". How in the world does he have the time for you?

Sounds like bad news. And yes, crushes can last for years.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008):

I can tell you from experince be carefull. It happened to my husband. Consumed with guilt he told me about it and yes, the secretary is gone. Unfortunately for her in this economical climate, but she should have known what she was doing. Sure, it takes two to tango, but he is desperately trying to get my forgiveness. Needless to say how much pain and hurt this caused in our lives.

Like eating to much candy, getting hooked on the sensation of "chemistry" or physical attraction may create a short term "high" but ultimately is can be very bad and dangerous if the partners are married or involved.

My advice to you is:

Walk away from this with your dignity and self respect in tact.

Immaneul kant said: " Two things fill my mind with ever new and increasing wonder and awe; the starry heavens above me and the MORAL LAW within me".

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (22 November 2008):

eddie agony auntI don't fully agree with the aunts who say the guy is the one playing a game. You both are playing here. They mention you should avoid his flirting. That would be good but you need to stop flirting too. In reality who cares about attraction or chemistry. There are many, many, many men out there you could potentially have chemistry with. We're built to have chemistry. If we dropped our pants every time we felt chemistry it would be a very shallow world.

We are supposed to build the relationship we're committed to. You say this guy probably has a void in his relationship.....what about you? You're up to your eye balls in this too. He may be flirting but you are too. You also say you'd never approach him and that he's have to approach you. Do you think that would make it acceptable? There is no difference. Do you understand that if he leaves his family because of your flirting, offerings, temptation etc you will be part of the break up of his family. If you stay away from another womans partner there is less likelihood he'll leave her for you. IF you put out the vibes you're available it's like putting gasoline on the fire. That is your choice.

You need to concentrate on your relationship at home. If you're not inclined to fix the "void" in your relationship you should at least leave it without anymore cheating. You are embarking on an emotional affair that could develop quite quickly into a sexual one. It will be 100 % your fault because you already realize the potential is there. Do not try to convince yourself that you can manage the temptation. You probably can't and your words prove it. Be wise, mature and show integrity.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008):

Dear Kazzaa

My apologies, if he is not married; however yes, if he is in a relationship and have children with the woman, it is very much the same.

Yes, it is not an easy situation you are in but please do not allow this guy to take advantage; try and react very formal and avoid eye contact or flirting. Hopefully he will get the message and stop the "game". Should he continue to pursue you do have other options, but try and ignore his attention at first and just be polite but formal; try to avoid being leaving last or be alone around him.

I understand that he is the boss and that it is difficult but do not encourage his behavior and do not act upon it.

Be strong and keep me posted.

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A female reader, Kazzaa United Kingdom +, writes (22 November 2008):

Kazzaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

smiles, he isnt married, he told my colleague he is too busy to get married, which i think sounds like b.s.

However he is in a long term relationship with 2 kids so i suppose that is the same as being married.

However I wish this guy would stop smiling at me and giving me interest, hes to blame hes the boss for crying out loud. And if I stay away, he finds were I am and asks some stupid question just to make conversation.

He's lovely, I can't help it.

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A female reader, Kazzaa United Kingdom +, writes (22 November 2008):

Kazzaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi Teacake,

i really hope this crush does not last yrs!!!

And I am not going to be the one who starts anything, basically bcs Im not confident enough.

And I know he has a partner and 2 kids, but I dont have kids so theres less to hold me back (my partner does not want kids). However I would not want to break up a family, so if they broke up of their own accord, I would be interested. I guess this thing will go away on its own and if not then i guess I'll have to find another job.

Damn......

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008):

Dear Poster

It might seem exciting and just like some innocent fun, but be very careful; you are playing with fire; if he is married and has got kids, it is "red lights" flashing; STOP this "game" before you get hurt or if things go wrong, maybe even have to look for another job. It is not worth taking the chance to "play" this game. Stop the staring and the glaring; be mature and be responsible. Even if he does approach you, DO NOT even consider taking this any further.

Take a little time and read some of the postings on this site; regarding partners that have cheated but also read about the pain and frustration of girls who are involved or have been involved with married men. Trust me you do not want to become another VICTIM OF INFIDELITY.

You need to LET GO of the thoughts about this guy; replace it with thoughts about your partner and think of your boss as the father of two children.

YOU CAN stop this from going any further or from developing into more.

Best wishes and lots of smiles.

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A female reader, Teacake United States +, writes (22 November 2008):

Teacake agony auntsome crushes can last years. Thing about it is, sometimes its more fun to just admire someone without getting involved. If your heart is racing, it doesn't mean love, that is anxiety! LOL

Just enjoy liking him and the excitement it brings, but he is with someone - So, stay away until he is single again.

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A female reader, Kazzaa United Kingdom +, writes (22 November 2008):

Kazzaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Shouldnt a crush wear off after a few weeks?

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A female reader, Teacake United States +, writes (22 November 2008):

Teacake agony auntJust because he might be attracted to you doesn't mean there is a void in the relationship. Men never have enough women. Office romance happens every day and has ruined many lives for those in existing relationships.

Don't fool yourself thinking there is a future, its just attraction. If you don't want to get him out of your head, you won't. Just enjoy having a crush and let it go. Only trouble will follow if you act on impulses.

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