A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I left my husband because I fell in love with another man. I no longer loved my husband. The other man led me to believe he loved me, too and would be there for me when I left my husband. It turns out that he is not.Now I am all alone without either man. I feel so lost and empty! I often wonder if I made the right choice. I know I was not happy with my husband, no longer loved him, and thought I would find happiness with my friend. He was so supportive and wonderful with me during the time I was leaving my husband. But now that I am available, he is not coming forward. I feel really betrayed and let down.I am really scared and feeling down. For the first time in my life I am all alone and have to support me and my young daughter. I have been married for all of my adult life and have always had everything taken care of. I have so much sadness and uncertainty in my life. Most days I struggle just to get through. My family is not there for me. I feel like I have nobody to support me.I have to work now but I feel so depressed that it is interfering with my ability to work. Most days I just want to stay in bed and cry. I am having a hard time picking myself up even though I am doing it everyday.My ex is trying to withhold support payments. I have no money to pay a lawyer. When we sold our home, we were left with nothing because of bad business dealings so we both started out bankrupt after 20 years of marriage. I cannot find a good place to live and time is running out until September. Everything is too expensive for my small salary. I was a stay at home mome for many years taking care of our disabled daughter. I have no credit history. I am in no position to find any housing for myself in this position and I need to be out of this house by Sept. 1st.Can anyone help me? I feel so lost! I feel like I have no plan or direction in my life. I feel like I have jumped out of an airplane without a parachute!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): LoveGirl, you are always too harsh in your posts. We all know you are against adultery. And the OP is right. The harshness is unnecessary because it is judgemental. She needs empathy not harshness. Would you not hope to be treated with the same empathy if you were in her shoes?
This woman admitted she did not sleep with this man. I am sure they both could have slept together but she said herself they both did not because they knew it was wrong. So, give them a little credit here. Yes it was emotional but until you walk in her shoes, please do not judge her. You cannot understand her life, what she goes through with a disabled daughter and all the pressures a marriage faces with children who are challenged. Many of them end in divorce because of this extra stress.
You make it seem as if her husband is some hero and blameless in all this. You don't know him. There are reasons she was drawn to another man. He obviously had his part to play in the demise of the marriage. He may have also made his share of mistakes but you seem to be all over the woman. That is really unfair.
She needs support and not to be judged for her mistakes. It takes courage to come to a public forum and ask for help. Are you perfect, LoveGirl? Have you never made any mistakes in your life? If so, go ahead and judge away from on top of your throne.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): OP I think you missed the point by saying all the harshness is so unnecessary. Look you don't want your husband anymore. Then that's fine. Just don't use him anymore because he doesn't deserve what you are doing. He seems to be a good decent man who basically has an unworthy wife. In the end this is what it boils down to. So yes Please do divorce him: he has wasted too much of his life already trying to love and make right to a woman who doesn't love him yet wants money from him. I think He has suffered too much at your hands and I think the sooner you get out of his life the better. I want to see your husband happy, he deserves to be happy. Since you have no use for him, bar sucking him financially and having a financial expectation, just release him. Release him to go out and to find a good decent woman who will love him, care for him, nurture him, comfort him, grow him, and pamper him: pick him up when he's feeling down, appreciate him for Him, and lastly honour him. OP since you have decided that this is Not you, the sooner you sign those divorce papers the better.
As for your knight in shining armour, your husband said it best. He's a user. Well you know the saying, birds of a feather flock togeether.
Unnecessary harshness. I Do Not Think so. Stop being delusional.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): OP I think you missed the point by saying all the harshness is so unnecessary. Look you don't want your husband anymore. Then that's fine. Just don't use him anymore because he doesn't deserve what you are doing. He seems to be a good decent man who basically has an unworthy wife. In the end this is what it boils down to. So yes Please do divorce him: he has wasted too much of his life already trying to love and make right to a woman who doesn't love him yet wants money from him. I think He has suffered too much at your hands and I think the sooner you get out of his life the better. I want to see your husband happy, he deserves to be happy. Since you have no use for him, bar sucking him financially and having a financial expectation, just release him. Release him to go out and to find a good decent woman who will love him, care for him, nurture him, comfort him, grow him, and pamper him: pick him up when he's feeling down, appreciate him for Him, and lastly honour him. OP since you have decided that this is Not you, the sooner you sign those divorce papers the better.
As for your knight in shining armour, your husband said it best. He's a user. Well you know the saying, birds of a feather flock togeether.
Unnecessary harshness. I Do Not Think so. Stop being delusional.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): I'm the OP.
Thank you for your answers. I can understand the anger directed at me. But we all make mistakes and we all have our crosses to bear. I don't think there is one person here who can say they are perfect and that they have never done anything they have regretted.
Me and the other man did not once ever sleep together. Allow me to make that very clear. We both know right from wrong. And neither of us wanted to be together by starting out with deceit and deception.
And, I have my family. They have offered to take us in if it happens that we cannot find a good place to live.
My husband has approached me and after all is said and done, he is willing to forgive me if I promise to give my 100 per cent effort to our marriage. Even after all I have done, he is willing to work on it with me. That means getting counselling and dealing with the issues that caused the marriage to break down. He has also said he will pay me for support because he loves his child and understands that paying me means his child will be taken care of and this means a great deal to him. He does love his daughter with his whole heart.
He thinks we can salvage our marriage and that I can learn to love him again. He has told me the other guy was just using me. He was a fraud all along and never truly cared about me or loves me the way my husband does. He refuses me to see him anymore or to be friends with him. He does not trust me fully that I have let the other man go. He is right. I have not let him go but I am really trying.
But can I ignore the fact that I no longer love my husband? Can I really get the love back once it is lost? I am afraid, don't get me wrong, and I know it is the hard road, but I am prepared to move on and take care of my daugther. I don't think I should take my husband back out of fear that I will not make it on my own and I wonder if this is what could happen? He can have custody part of the time and he can pay me some support. But I am not sure if I want to go back to an unhappy place. I think there might be too much said and done to ever find the love I felt for him.
Besides I am nursing a broken heart from this other man. I am at the moment distancing myself from him because it is clear to me there is no future with him. If there was, he would have stepped forward. And there is no way I would be stepping back from him if he came to me and told me he cared about me and was prepared to be with me in a committed relationship. So, is my husband just the FALL BACK GUY???
So, I am essentially dealing with two failed relationships all at once as well as finding a place to live and moving and finding enough money to support myself and my daughter. Yes, it has been incredibly stressful and scary.
I have had some very bad and dark days where it seems all I do is cry. But I have been picking myself up again and finding hope and strength. Knowing I have some family behind me is helping me so much. They love me and my daughter and said they will not let anything happen to us if we needed some help. So, it is nice to know there is a safety net if I need one. I did not think I had one before.
I think that these situations show us what we are really made of. We need to fight. And this is what I intend to do.
Thank you to all of those who have inspired me in a positive way and have helped to encourage me. I find that harshness is so unnecessary. A little empathy for a fellow human being is all that is necessary and it goes a long way.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (19 July 2012):
Simply put, this seems to be a case of what comes around goes around.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): "But now that I am available, he is not coming forward."
What do you mean by this OP? There could be plenty of things that could be happening here and not all of them bad. Maybe now he wants you to make more of an effort?
Look as low as you feel you need to step up and keep things ticking if you know what I mean. Keep working, keep eating right, getting exercise etc. You have to keep your routine going and not let it fall away.
As for your living arrangements and stuff there are tonnes of things you can turn to in America, programs, the social services, women's shelters, let nothing be off the cards and start looking into these things now and getting yourself together and your life in order.
I once heard that the three most stressful things in life are death, break ups and moving house, you have to deal with two now at the same time and how you handle all this is what will define how you're life will be when the dust settles and how fast that dust will settle.
It's time you sat down and devised a plan OP, it's time for action now, not moping. We all go through hell at times in our lives those of us that make it through to a happy fulfilled life are those of us that decided to and then got our shit together in a methodical, clinical way, we're the ones who fought through those emotions and fought to fix things.
You have a daughter to care for so you don't have the luxury of moping and feeling down, you have to get up and take care of the day to day things. It's time you sat down with a pen and piece of paper and devised a list of things you need to get done and when they need to be done. You have internet access which means you can go through all the things on your list by priority and research ways to solve those things.
Want to know how to fix this? Action, act now. Don't sit there wondering why people aren't rushing to help you, it's pointless and a waste of time all you need to know is the only person you and your daughter can rely on is you, so you're the one who needs to make shit happen?
Confused? Get your head together, make that list, start researching and acting on solutions, right this minute OP.
Going to be homeless? Then contact housing agencies, look up your local listings, think about apartment sharing if you have to, go over all your options and count nothing out, except of course deprived areas or skid row apartments, you may aswell live on the streets in those cases.
Job not paying enough? Start looking for a better paying job, or looking to earn better pay in your current one, or looking for a second job etc. again you have options, research them and don't discount anything.
OP I'm not going to get into what you deem to be the biggest issue here, you're loneliness and the fact no one seems to be rushing forward to wipe your ass for you. Frankly the fact you've always had a partner to share your adult life with and share your burden is no longer something you can rely on so its time you learned how to be independent and the above is how you do it.
You're not an idiot OP, you're not some helpless little girl, you're a grown woman and mother with all the skills needed to sort this all out and that's you must do and you must forget getting help from anyone else because it seems no one is going to.
Look, you can either keep this warped focus on a guy who was acting like your hero until he could actually have you and has now lost interest or you can focus on taking control of your life and becoming and independent mother. Millions of men and women raise kids alone, work long hours and struggle to make ends meet but we fight on and we get on with it. We manage and so will you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): What few married-by-cheating parties realize is that the person they cheat with often loses interest once you're available. The reason is that you were never truly a love interest, but a conquest or convenience. You're good for a hookup as long as you have to go back home to hubby. (or wife). Besides, anyone who'd sleep with a married person knowingly is likely not the person to be trusting or taking promises from.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): Give up custody, move to a new city, and start over. Maybe your daughter will forgive you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): People who judge are usually the ones with the most baggage. Those who put here hateful remarks need to remember one thing: life changes all the time, and they don't know in what situation they will be in a few years from now.
We are all one. We are all humans who are trying to live our lives the best we can, and we all make mistakes. As a woman and a mother I very much empathize with you. What's done is done. Now you need to get help, and it's out there, especially if you have a disabled daughter. Do some research, ask people, social services, there is help.
Good luck to you and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): I feel no sympathy for you, but lots for your husband and daughter. You destroyed your family for selfish reasons and now you are reaping the consequences.
If you have any sense of honor, you will support yourself and not try to pry money out of the man you betrayed. If you can't support your daughter on your parenting time, then give her to her father full time.
Every adult is expected to support themselves and their children. That means YOU are expected to work and support your daughter. Spend your time working and trying to learn skills that will allow you to contribute to your daughter's upbringing. It is the only way to even partially make up for what you have done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): A few startling things noted:
You were a stay at home wife/mother: so you had lots of spare time to play around with your boyfriend while your husband was slogging to provide for you and your kid.
You did Not love your husband: but you sure had no qualms using his hard earned resources didn't you. You used him.
Your lover/boyfriend: had no issues sleeping with a married woman while her husband was out earning a hard earned salary. What a man, right? WRONG! He showed you very quickly his true colours. Did you think that your lover wanted to be saddled with a stay at home woman and a disabled kid that's Not his? Why must he pay when he previously got for free?
Falling out of love is one thing, becoming a cheater is another. So stop behaving like a victim bec you are not. You left your husband thinking that the grass was greener. Did you ever stop to think about your husband? What he was feeling?
Your husband apparently trying to stop financial aid to you: you Now know just what the cost of living is, don't you. You now know just how expensive every day living is. After all you are now working and trying to account for every cent you earn. If your husband doesn't want to pay for your kid then I suggest you go seek welfare assistance. I don't know what the laws are in your country. I do know that disability grants are available. This should help you out a bit.
-State hospital for free treatment if you don't have medical aid: this will also help so that you don't pay for medication
- state housing subsidy do you qualify?
In all honesty you never, even in your wildest dreams, thought you would end up like this. Its sad that now you realise the consequences of your affair.
All is Not lost. You still are able to work: still able to earn an income. Yes its really not what you want but such is life. NOW you know what it is all about in the real world.
Your happily ever after? No! Those are a fantasy.
So what now:
- now you stop having an expectancy that you need a man to take care of you.
-now you pull down on your inner strenght and you muster up all the courage to make this life work.
- you take care of your daughter. Shower her with love. Make a home and a life for the 2 of you. Don't look for another man to rescue you. You can rescue yourself.
-let your husband be. As you said you did not love him and you wanted out. You plotted and planned with your lover to get rid of your hb SO allow him to get some peace.
- your husband will have to provide financially for your daughter. How much will be at the courts discretion.
Choices and consequences. In the end we sometimes have memories and regrets. Sometimes we don't know what we do have until we lose it.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 July 2012):
 There are a lot of programs in the U.S. you can be on temporarily to help you get back on your feet. Especially if you meet their requirement for living in poverty. I know this is not the ideal situation and most people do not want to have to ask for help, but sometimes you need to. There are many community food banks around the country, as well as low-cost healthcare programs for children. Find the United Way or as suggested, a Salvation Army to see what programs are available in your area. Aunty Em and Aunty BimBim gave you very solid advice. Ask for help from family and friends. If you have internet access and a cell phone (don't know if you do), you are not too badly off or you would cancel both of those services to feed yourself. Look at ways you can cut your cost of living. Cut costs anywhere you can.
I know you are depressed, but now is your time to show your child what it means to survive bad situations and come out on top. If nothing else gets you out of bed, think of the message you are giving to your child everyday: We have each other and we will make it through this. Teach your child to be resourceful.
I know you don't feel like it, but getting out in your community and making friends could do you a lot of good. Depending on where you live, there could be many free programs in your are where you can socialize with others. Just last night I took my nephew to a wild animal program at our library...lots of parents and kids as well as just people in the community who were curious. It was free. We also live in a very small town, so I know if we have programs like that here, there must be programs you could likely go to in your area.
Men are nice to have around, but they aren't everything. You are a good person, a hardworking person, a good mom, and you can do this!
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 Hi
The only person who can and should look after you is you. You need to start being pro active.Yes this man let you down, but thats life.You weren't in love with your husband anymore so you sought a knight in shining armour, thats all.Your marriage was over for you anyway wasn't it?
You need to get your ass in gear,see your family and talk to them for a start.
Seek help about getting a home sorted, a job, maintenence payments off your ex. Get online and start looking at which organisations/charities can help you,you need professonal advice to work out a plan. You need to be strong for your daughter,you need to focus not on 'woe is me', but right, I am at the bottom,time to fight back.Good luck
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 July 2012):
 You have already faced up to the fact that you have gotten into a mess. Did you make a wrong decision about leaving your husband...no you didn't!. You knew the marriage was over, you just went the wrong way about ending it and ran to another man expecting him to take care of you...it didn't work out.
I agree with Aunty Bim, you need to find out what free help there is available in your area and what welfare assistance you can claim.
Forget about men and being rescued for the time being, it's now time to stand on your own two feet and get yourself out of the rut.
It seems you do have a job, so your daughter must be in school or daycare? That means you do have some control. You do have a roof over your head at present? So you need to find out a way that you can keep that paid for, by asking for help.
Your husband should continue to pay for his child and you have to make that a priority because your daughter needs that money. I also agree that you need to ask for some help from your family and maybe you can get on a course that will improve your job prospects.
I have seen women on the floor after divorce who have picked themselves up and carried on, carving out a life, no matter how tough and managing to get back on an even keel...you can do this.
I think your depression is being fuelled by pining for what you assume you have lost (men to support you and keep you)and inaction...thats why you cannot get out of bed because the task seems too big and hopeless...it is NOT, but you need to start fighting back, seeking help and thinking of ways to improve yours and your daughters life.
You have internet access?...start seeing what immediate help and support is available in your area...start now!!!
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (18 July 2012):
 Well you speak of the feeling of betrayal by this so called friend you left everything for, maybe that is the same feeling your husband was forced to feel at your hands, it is very hard to feel sorry for you, because you basically werent happy, but lead your family on, until you thought you had something better, then you cut your husbands throat, so it's kind of not all that difficult to not feel sorry for you, and instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should truly be taking all of this in, and dissecting the lessons you are quickly being taught, as you threw yourself to the wolves on this one, your daughter is disabled? and you cannot take care of her? why don't you use your head? why don't you send her with her daddy, who im sure is beside himself missing his little girl, and im sure you've left quit a lot out of this story, stating he is "withholding support" nobody that stays married to someone as long as he stayed married to you, does so with hatred and contempt in their hearts, he obviously loved his wife, and daughter, so you just giving him up as some asshole who refuses to pay child support, or help you, does not fly with me, cause it's a lie, only you know whats really going on with your ex, but I suggest you stop the selfish bullshit, and start making some intelligent decisions, because there is a little girl, with a disability, who from the statement you've given, is going to be homeless, and without anytime now, this is all i can offer you, solely on the info you've provided, obviously your somewhere with the internet, use it, find a different job, find some help financially, you made the decision to provide for yourself, so go to it, it's hard as fuck,but incredibly rewarding in the end.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 Find your nearest Salvation Army and ask them for help. Find a neighbourhood lawyer, or legal advice bureau and ask for help making sure you receive support for your child from her father.
It is so hard not to judge you .... you have made some very silly decisions, it certainly seems too late for you and your husband to save anything from the marriage, but he needs to be aware if you starve on the streets so does his child.
Have you actually asked your family for help? Don't dismiss them until you do, they may be able to help with child care and other material assistance while you try to find employment to support yourself.
You need to start planning, but whilst you are worried about a roof over your head you wont be able to do that. Ask your family, but please dont get there and then expect them to take care of all your problems, you are going to have to contribute and cover your costs.
Good luck!
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