A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner of over a year was born and raised outside the UK, and moved here for work. He is perfectly fluent in English, and we have no problems communicating in it. He took me to meet his friends and family in his home country, saying that I didn't need to learn the language because everyone spoke English. However, their English wasn't the best (and in no way do I expect them to only speak in a foreign language, just for me) and consequently felt quite isolated.So I came home, full of determination to learn. I've been learning 1-1 for a year now and get very little speaking practice outside the classroom, but have always felt a little nervous in speaking with him in his native tongue because he always seems quite dismissive of speaking at a childs' level. So, once I'd built up a low level of fluency, I went to an informal meeting of other speakers (both native and learners) to test the water and see how I got on. It was a great success; I had loads of fun and surprised myself, and left feeling confident that I could now show him my language skills.However, when I told him all of this (including the anxiety/stage fright I felt in front of him) he said that I had no need to learn his language because we can already communicate in English. I asked him whether it would bother him if I'd never begun learning in the first place, and he said it wouldn't, and the only people that would benefit would be his family.I plan to discuss things with him soon, but face to face (we're currently long distance). I feel underappreciated for my efforts, and feel like I've wasted an enormous amount of time and effort on something that he doesn't seem bothered about. I must note, he never asked me to learn - I took it upon myself, to be able to better communicate with him family and also because I was simply interested!Any advice on how to broach the subject in conversation would be appreciated.
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2015): You learned it for you right? Not for him? So just be pleased with yourself that you aquired a new skill. My boyfs family don't speak english at all and while he is happy to teach me words I can't string sentances together.my boyf has not been massively helpful in assisting me in getting a book cd or something to learn properly (there are different variations of his language and I need to get the right one) so I will have to take the initiative as you did and sort myself. I take many extended trips with him to his country and have to rely on him 100percent and talk only with him. He is not fussed if I learn or not but I am! I have got into some sticky situations before when he was not around because I didn't understand anything. He has also talked about us moving back there one day (I wont live somewhere if I can't speak the language! So will have to learn) you might not have gotten all the praise from your boyf for learning, but none of these things I've mentioned will ever be a problem for you now. It doesn't really have to do with you boyf just you making life a lot easier for yourself.well done :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2015): OP here.
Thank you all of you for your sound advice. Every one of you has given me sound advice, and has shown me things that I didn't necessarily notice before! I feel more confident and able to understand where he may have been coming from, and that I may have got the wrong end of the stick.
Thanks again! Take care!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 September 2015):
 I remember reading a piece of advice in a parenting article somewhere, that the best way to encourage strong self-esteem and personal initiative was not to continually praise the child, but rather to encourage the child to find the pleasure in accomplishing something. "Well done, Zachary, you really did an awesome job getting an A on that difficult test!" was discouraged. "Zachary, you got an A on that test, how does that feel? Are you happy?"
I'm probably not paraphrasing that properly as my memory isn't what it once was, but the gist of it was to encourage the child to find satisfaction from within, not from praise from others.
I think it's great that you took the initiative, did the work and started mastering another language. That must feel good, no? So why are you allowing his opinion or lack of opinion on the subject to demolish your joy in your accomplishment?
I get it, I do, I have to ask my husband if I look good in this outfit or for his input on this thing or that. I think I drive him a bit crazy on that, after all, I'm a grown woman, I have eyes and can see myself in the mirror and can work things out all on my own.
But what I want is reassurance, that my effort is valued, that I'm important to him and that what I chose to do and my accomplishments should have a wee bit of celebration.
Sometimes I have to tell him what I need. It's not always in a guy's love language, to know that what you want is reassurance and praise. His way of showing love may be to change the oil in your car.
I think I would take CindyCare's advice, to bring it up calmly and plainly without drama. That you feel good about your accomplishment and that it would make you happy to think or know or believe that he takes pleasure in you achieving a goal he might not even have known was important to you.
This may be a cultural thing too, I don't know where he's from originally, but do take that into acount.
It also could be that you trying to learn the language will be considered by some in the family as a criticism of their grasp of English. Or that Auntie X and Auntie Y are terrible gossips and have been discussing the appalling state of your clothing the entire time and now, you will have enough of their language to realize that his relatives are awful bores and completely rude people.
What I would NOT do is allow his less than celebratory reaction to your news to demolish your own sense of accomplishment and achievement. Because then that means that you are handing over the responsibility for your self-esteem to another person, and that, my dear, is a mistake of vast proportions.
Good luck with the calm talk. Or good luck even if you come to realize you don't even need to broach the topic at all.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 September 2015):
 Could you convince yourself that you started learning this second language because you wanted to assimilate yourself to be closer to your friend (?)..... BUT, that he doesn't exhibit much appreciation that you did so (?)...... HOWEVER, you are pleased with yourself that you DID accomplish so much in learning to converse in this second language (?).... AND, what difference does it make whether or not he appreciates what you did???
Heck, maybe, in the future, you will land an appointment as Ambassador to his country!!!!!
Good luck... and never stop learning.....
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 September 2015):
 I confess that I can see your bf's point of view ; I mean, if he is fluent in English and you normally communicate in English, he did not particularly need or care that you should learn his mothertongue. In fact, if you keep speaking English with each other , you'll be at more or less the same level of fluency, while if you 'd choose his langauge there would be a mothertongue speaker and a beginner, which requires patience and mental effort from the mothertongue . Of course it is not a backbreaking, mind consuming effort, but still...
So, for himself personally he does not care. Plus , you began studying his language to improve your communication with his family, although that was not necessary because the basic level of communication was assured, and to not feel isolated, i.e. for your own interest and comfort. And also , simply because you were interested in this language, so once again, because you wanted to do something FOR YOURSELF.
I want it to be clear that this is not a reproach or a criticism , far from it; in fact , I think yours was a brilliant idea.
But, in practice, I think that for him it's a bit as if you'd ask special recognition for having completed a class of something that always interested you ( and not him ) and that you had fun doing . Say, Argentinian tango or nail art :). He does not see the striving and effort and difficulty part , he sees that you have freely chosen to pursue an interest of yours . And if he got the striving and effort and challenge part, he could always say, well if it was such an effort ,who forced you to do it ?!
I know I know : I understand your disappointment. I think everybody likes to be complimented and recognized and even fussed about for their accomplishments,big or small. Even if it had been nail art, well, if you are the best nail decorator of the neighborhood, the one that glues the best Swarowski,.. - it is something that you put time and ability in, so it would not kill people to show some enthusiasm and fuss about you a little. Particularly a boyfriend , who is supposed not only to love you, but to CARE about your successes !
This in theory. In practice , it's difficult for people to relate and to get excited about things they do not particularly value or deem relevant . I think that at times it takes a special sensitivity for a person to guess what the partner wants / needs to be told. And if they don't guess, it does not necessarily mean that they don't love you or they are thick skinned; only that they are not as keenly perceptive as needed.
Your bf, for instance- I don't think he shows indifference because he is mean or terminally cold ( unless he has precedents in this sense which you did not mention ). I guess he is simply a rational ,logical, not over emotional person ; " you suffer stage fright when you speak my language ? Then do not speak my language , since you don't have to,problem solved ". Which is perfectly rational, and it makes perfect sense, - just it's not what you needed to hear :).
If you feel you really need to bring this up do it calmly and with simplicity , without making a drama out of it. Be honest and tell him that you have been slightly disappointed that he did not show more involvement in your achievement ; because in his eyes it may not be a huge achievement, or an useful achievement, or a practical achievement, bit it is still YOUR achievement. And you want to be able to share with ease and sincerity all things in your life, good and bad.
...............................
|
