A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:When my ex girlfriend and I were together, I could never get her to participate in any of the activities I enjoyed. Now that she's single again, she's deliberately joined one of the groups in which she knows I'm active with. An activity she has absolutely no interest in.I seriously doubt she's doing this in an attempt to get back together, as she has made it known that she's moved on. Besides, it would be quite awkward being in the same room together. So I'm left wondering what other possible motives she might have.Anyone have some insight as to what's going on?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 June 2014):
 So maybe she's a b****. Or maybe she just needed 6 months to think about your suggestion about getting out of the house and joining an activity. Or maybe she forgot you'd be there.
Can I ask what form of activity/group this is? Is it a small group, or a big one? It probably doesn't matter, but if it's a big group I would suggest you just ignore her and go about your business. Be civil, sure, but no reason to be extra nice to her.
Seeing as she was desperate to get married though, maybe she just didn't have any luck with me the past 6 months, and thought she'd get back with you. Sounds to me like a selfish person who just wants to satisfy her own needs regardless of what impact it will have on others. I mean, she didn't want to marry you because she wanted to make YOU happy, she just wanted to marry because she wanted a wedding, it seem, and you were just the first man she bumped into. I'm just going off on what you implied in your post, but often times.. the simple solution/answer is the right one. She still wants to get married, fast, and figures she might still have a shot with you.
Just ignore her, anyway. She was rushing things, which is a sign she didn't care about you, just about getting married.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2014): Well, I guess being a mature gentleman; you aren't intimidated by women.
Even if she has something up her sleeve, keeping a cool head about it all, will take the wind out of her sails.
As I said before, she has every right to join. No matter what her motives are. Inadvertently; It may do her some good to see what she has been missing. There are too many witnesses around to cause any trouble.
I suppose it may be passive-aggressive stalking. If it causes you angst, I'm sure there are group-rules that apply to any form of intimidation or harassment. You haven't mentioned that she has done anything.
If she joined the group to make you uncomfortable; imagine how tough it must be to show up for meetings when she really can't stand being there. I'd say she's going through a lot of trouble, be that the case. There are a lot worse ways to cause you discomfort.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 June 2014):
 With your follow up, ALL I can guess is that she is being a BITCH. Like CMMP suggested.
She MIGHT want you to see what you missed out on, even IF she doesn't WANT to get back together she wants to punish you for not being ready to get married. Which I think was a smart move. 12 months is not always enough time to feel that marriage is the next step.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (1 June 2014):
 Now that she's single again she is focusing on you. If it's not an interest she enjoys, and she get's nowhere with you, she will move on 'again' hopefully.
If that's what you want her to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I should have included a bit of background on the relationship. I hadn't thought it was relevant at the time when I first posted.
We had been together for little over a year when she ended things about 6 months ago. She was in a big rush to get married and I wanted more time to get to know her. The end result was she turned nasty and ended things when she couldn't get what she wanted.
After the breakup I tried to remain on friendly terms, but she chose to play all sorts of mind games. That's why I've had no choice but to completely avoid her. Which is why her joining this group has made me rather uncomfortable.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 June 2014):
Lots of good answers here. I'd like to add that she may just be a bitch! I had an ex who was mad at me (for God only knows what since I never did anything to her).
She would have done this just to bug me.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (1 June 2014):
Actions speak louder than words.......you assume she doesn't want to get back together, she may actually want to.
Just be polite if you have to speak, don't feel uncomfortable, you got there first so to speak, eventually she will show her reasons for joining.
Who ended things?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 June 2014):
My guess is she is trying new things to met new people and be social, so she picks a group that she knew OFF (yours) and joined.
So many people join classes and groups, not because they have a burning passion for it, but because it's is a GOOD alternative to dating/friendfinders sites in meeting new people.
I'd try and read too much into it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2014): Depending on the circumstances and reasons you broke-up, I don't really think she is up to anything. You may feel uncomfortable about it; but you have to get used to the fact, or join another club. She's single and broadening her horizons.
If she has not approached you directly; she is passively making an attempt to extend an olive branch. It probably bothers her that she didn't make the effort to share your interests when you were together. In any case, show no reaction that would make her feel unwelcome. You have no right to do that, and she has every right to join any group she wishes. It apparently does not bother her, that you're there. She may have done some introspection and realized there was no reason she shouldn't humor you, and indulge in your interests.
Before coming to any negative conclusion about her sudden interest, explore the possibility she only misses your company and the only way to approach you without your rejection is just to be near you. You don't have to be friends, but make peace and offer forgiveness and all can move on. You will feel less intruded upon just by doing so.
Do not make any gestures until you have your head and heart in the right place. For now, just see her as another member of the group.
Breakups can be very complicated. People often search for closure long after the fact. She may still have residual concerns or guilt; and only wishes to show you that she has moved on; and available and willing to mend hard feelings.
You don't give the reasons you broke-up, how long ago it happened, how long you were together, or any details that would indicate that anyone can really determine if she has any ulterior motives behind joining the club.
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A
male
reader, wise-guy +, writes (1 June 2014):
I think both of the answers posted so far pretty much sum up what I think of the situation.
When I read this for some reason my initial thought was she wants to open up something. Not 100% what or why but she has certainly joined because of you being involved.
Maybe she misses you and wants you around? Maybe it's too little too late I dunno but she has made a deliberate effort to join - to be around you is what I'm guessing, the female poster is right, it's too much of a coincidence!
Are you on speaking terms? Was it a messy break up? Maybe talk to her casually and see what's going on - better to be civil and cordial right?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2014): I dunno. People are hard to fathom. It does seem weird and would have me on edge wondering what her motives are.
Something similar happened to me - not with a boyfriend but a guy who had asked me out 3 times and I had declined. He suddenly joined my hobby group though he'd never really expressed and interest in it before. I was skeptical. I thought he'd only joined as a way of staying close to me and I was quite pissed-off deep down.
But 18 months later, this guy has really thrown his heart and soul into the group. He's a far more active member than me and he's so busy with it I hardly get to see him! He'd simply wanted to extend his circle of friends (just as I had done when I joined.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2014): Sometimes, even though somebody says they're over an ex, deep down they still have feelings / love / care about them.
There are a couple of reasons she has joined this group. She obviously knows you are already involved with the group so let's throw away the possibility it might have been a coincidence.
1. She might miss your company. She may not want to get back together as a couple but values you as a friend and wants to work on the friendship side of things.
2. She may actually want to mend the relationship...slowly. She may be testing the waters, seeing how she feels and then later down the track she might ask for something more.
Just try to relax and be yourself. The question is...do YOU want to mend things with her?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 June 2014):
Who knows. Some people are weird. I had the same thing happen. I was going abroad for a language course, and my boyfriend at the time was supposed to come with me. Then right before the deadline of when you had to register, he said he didn't want to go, he actually never wanted to go, he just told me so because he didn't want to disappoint me. So he had been faking that he wanted to go for about a year...
Needless to say, we got into a huge argument about it, because he had lied about wanting to go. We broke up. Then guess what? He goes on the two month language course abroad anyway.
God knows why he did it. I didn't bother to ask. I guess he just couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted.
Look on the bright side, maybe the break up made your ex realize what a boring life she actually has, and you inspired her to go out and finally be active in something.
I had another boyfriend once who was always complaining about his job, and I always told him to change jobs and try something else, yet he didn't as much as lift a finger to try and change his situation. But what do you know, after we broke up he finally went and changed jobs. I guess for him it just took that long to think about it and realize it was a good suggestion.
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