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I know it's normal but finding porn caught me off guard

Tagged as: Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 July 2014) 6 Answers - (Newest, 3 July 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I asked my boyfriend to use his computer, as I wanted to show him a piece of clothing that I ordered online. I ASKED (and I stress that) his permission to open his browser and search. He allowed me.

As I start typing the url, the browser's suggestion thingy showed a couple other urls, of some blog: one of those was a link to the blog's "about me", another to a random post, and another to a whole section about, well, breasts and some other mild porn pictures. The urls were very explicit, so I didn't even opened the suggestions.

As his 12 yo brother uses his computer somewhat often, I told him that I didn't want to make him feel awkward, but that he should really clean his history. He looked awkward, and stared at me with a half smile. Then he looked away and kept doing what he was doing.

Now.. I know, KNOW that this is oh-so-normal and that virtually every guy looks at porn but.. This took my by surprise. I was left shaking and I couldn't get my spirit up for the rest of the day, so I ended the night sitting on a caffe while my friends chatted.

The thing is, I have major issues. I have been obese for my entire life, and I just recently (3 years ago) lost all the weight. I went through a childhood of being the last pick in everything. I have some hormonal problems, which make my breasts a bit smaller than normal, not to mention that they have noticeable differente sizes. It makes me extremely sad and self-conscious, and knowing that he was looking at beautiful other girls just make me feel like I have a truly disgusting body.

As a coincidence, I had been planning a romantic night for tomorrow, that included a much dreaded striptease, that I had been preparing for a week. I now cannot think about it without feeling like a fat, ugly, disproportional pig.

Since then he apologized, and asked me if I am mad or hurt, told me he loves me, but he never actually mentioned the website. All I can tell him is that I'm fine.

I know I'm probably overanalyzing this, but I can't help but feel just extremely sad, unconfortable and disgusting. I always offer sex, I try new things, I buy lingerie, I'm adventurous.. Why didn't he just asked me whatever he wanted?

How can I deal with this?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014):

OP here.

The striptease was dreaded only because I thought I'd look silly. Nevertheless, I was really looking forward for it, as I had been practicing for a week and I honestly thought it would be a nice, fresh way to start the evening.

My problem isn't really about porn. I do everything in the bedroom. Pretty much everything. I even suggested once for us to see some porn TOGETHER. That would have been ok.

The thing is, he wasn't watching porn, it was a personal blog from a random girl, that for some reason had a whole bunch of pictures. It wasn't a typical fake porn.

It was a real girl, that was actually very very pretty and normal, and that is even worse (I couldn't not check the website, so I got home and looked it up, just to ease my conscience. At least I know the whole picture now) and what bothers me quite a lot is that I sometimes randomly send him saucy pictures of me, some showing boobs, but, sometimes more. He just says something along the lines of "oh, nice" and that's it. So knowing he has been actively searching for similar stuff, when he rejects my offers makes me think it's definitely my problem.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (3 July 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Now I do not want to take a stand about porn, or how accettable it is , within which limits, if partnered guys should watch it or not... I really do not know much about porn, there will be other readers more competent, or with more precise opinions.

I am just curious to know how is it that , if you have body image issues , they are just triggered by porn ? Why do you feel in competition with porn stars only ?

I mean, it's summer, even in UK :) Tons of attractive scantily, suggestively clad girls everywhere. Kilometric legs out, flat bellies out, barely covered big boobs. Or , go to any Mediterranean beach and you'll see oceans of bare flesh, topless boobs , bikini bottoms of the size of dental floss. Isn't that the same ?

Of course you do not see naked genitalia in public, on the beach, or even on advertissement billboarsd, OK. But , THAT's not the only part that your bf could lust over, and actualy, in fact, for all we know it could be a part where you fear no comparison, lol.

So , if you are so afraid that your bf might lust over other women's bodies, or compare you negatively with model size girls, etc. - well, how come this does not come up in real life too ? Why do you reserve it to porn ?.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014):

I would talk to him about your feelings, don't bottle them up. I don't feel porn is normal or healthy, so I won't accept any porn in a relationship. It's creepy and fake imo. If you don't want to do a strip tease don't do it. I'm sure your figure/body is fine the way it is and I hope you learn to feel comfortable with yourself the way you are. Only you can decide what you want to accept but I think concealing your feelings and saying you're fine is a mistake because this issue will probably come up again and the feelings will still be there to surface again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014):

Lots of women hate it. I hate it so much I choose to be single. Can I just enlighten you that some people's partners view hardcore porn everyday. Your story is quite gentle so count yourself lucky, my boyfriend would use porn nearly everyday including the days he knew he was going to see me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014):

Don't take your boyfriend's actions as a reflection of you. All men--no matter how hot their women are--will look at porn...especially now when it is all over the place online. You are more sensitive because of your weight issues, but also because you are young. I worried about that stuff at your age, and while I still get a little jealous sometimes, I care less and less about porn and view the physical appearance as only part of an attraction...certainly not the essence of a relationship. Unless he turns out to have a serious addiction (and DO NOT worry about that unless it manifests itself as a problem), I wouldn't waste the energy worrying about porn.

I also would skip that "much dreaded striptease," especially if you dreaded it before discovering porn. Confidence is EVERYTHING. Look at some of the Hollywood actresses without makeup. They are nothing special. But they put on a little make up, and with their CONFIDENCE, they are stars. If you are not confident, your boyfriend is not going to enjoy it. It might even be more uncomfortable for him than it is for you. It wouldn't matter if it were Angelina Jolie or whoever the hottest actress is nowadays ...if a woman is uncomfortable and self-conscious while she is dancing, it will have the OPPOSITE effect she intended.

Unless you can get the confidence you need, I would skip that striptease. Postpone it at least. Take some dance classes, and start feeling better about yourself. When you can dance for him and HAVE FUN while you are doing it, then go for it. In the meantime, work on valuing yourself more.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014):

It's ok to feel akward about it, but you definetly should not be feeling bad about yourself. The reason guys watch porn is to fantasize. I stress fantasize. If he wanted something real, he knows he can go to you. If ge wantes some crazy thing, or something that maybe he wanted to see, he would look at porn, so that he didn't put you in that fantasy. I know i would never put my girlfriend in my fantasies, cause then it would be unrealistic when we were together, and it would feel weird. Just think about it this way: he's watching porn so that he doesn't have to ruin whar you two have right now. I'm sure he likes things the way they are between you two, or else he would've told you. I would keep your plans aa they are, cause then it'll settle things back to normal for you guys. Prove to him that you have a wild side, and that maybe you should be the thig he watches more ;) but don't stress out so much because he watches porn, as it is a normal and healthy, and verry common activity.

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