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I know I should divorce him but I have no energy to do it!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Health, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 May 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 22 May 2018)
A female Canada age 51-59, anonymous writes:


i feel very extremely frustrated with my marriage at the moment.

We had 30 years together, many of them filled with tragic events and heartbreaking moments. I did have many years of counselling

and friends help. But less and less understating cause my situation is just hopeless and more and more challenging,

The biggest issue is that he wont talk to me, he is like an autistic man but he is not mentally ill.

He is acting cold, and unaffectionate for many years now, and he is also impotent for unknown undermined causes.

He acts like he hates me, but he says he is not. He is not saying i love u, but he is just putting up with me..

It is a longterm problem slowly deteriorated to this place. and i know i should leave but Im sick and I have no energy to go thru divorce and face more stress.

i cant work, i feel i have no options, My self-worth is very low cause of the cold treatment, .

He is silent, but i feel maybe one day he will come to me with the divorce papers, himself... he has no compassion of me not feeling well, and he moved on very smoothly from our tragedies, he is like not feeling anything about the past ...

I was wondering if anybody knows if there is alimony in Canada, and how does it work.

I wish I could see A LAWYER but i have no energy to do so,

So I appreciate any help, i can get on this point,

thank you

View related questions: divorce

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom + , writes (22 May 2018):

malvern agony auntIn your mind you are jumping straight to divorce but have you considered the other options? Have you considered living apart? Are you in a position to able to move out, or can he move out? Can you come to an agreement to live separate lives under one roof? I know somebody who does this - it's not ideal but each spouse has their own separate life, separate friends etc but they share the same house and have separate rooms. It works fairly well for them and the family can still come and go,and they still see their grandchildren together. You should sit down with your husband and try and come to some sort of amicable arrangement because it sounds like you both feel trapped. You say you have no energy for it all but you have to make yourself have the energy or you will continue in this unhappy life for ever. Divorce isn't always the answer, especially as we get older and our options become less and less. Sometimes its better to 'make the best of a bad job' than do something drastic.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 May 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIn my experience, such as it is, the fear and dread of doing something is often far worse than the actual event or deed. Once you get the ball rolling and start to sort things out, it is not quite the burden you expected.

I would recommend baby steps, at least at the beginning. In the UK we have Citizens Advice, who can give you free advice in such situations as yours. Perhaps you have something similar in your country? Pick up the phone and speak to someone about your situation. Once you start, you will probably (hopefully) find it gets easier and less scary.

Your other option is to stay as you are for the rest of your life or until your husband decides to divorce you. Wouldn't you rather be away from this miserable situation?

Sending you hugs. I feel for you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

These kinds of posts get to me, and they really get my blood boiling. I am so very sorry for your plight! Honestly, I am.

Contact your local social services hotline; and ask about finding pro bono legal-assistance. Also inform them that you are in an abusive-situation; and need to be connected with assistance for domestic-abuse. They will provide you with sources for counseling; a list of lawyers and firms, that do free legal-assistance and/or offer free legal-counseling.

You're only concerned about alimony?!!

You are a victim of mental-cruelty and psychological-abuse!!! Therefore; you have to seek aide and assistance from the appropriate authorities. You are left in neglect, in spite of your health-issues. Your bigger problem is your lack of effort to do anything about it.

Do you have any children? Why would they leave their mother helpless and alone? Are they also estranged? Are you afraid to bother them? If you do have adult-children, why are they not aware of your situation?

I'm sorry, but if you had the energy to write this post; you'll have to find the energy to help yourself. You have to ask a friend or a family-member to help you to summon the strength to do what has to be done. Unless you are a bed-ridden convalescent, you have to summon the courage to ask for help.

I think you are afraid to upset him.

Your lack of energy, as you claim, is FEAR! Fear of him, fear of being alone, and fear of the unknown. If you ask for advice, you have to use energy to put it to use.

If you have siblings, grand-children, adult-children, or a sympathetic neighbor; you have to ask someone for help. Pride and fear have to be set aside, or just sit there in misery. You are the victim of a narcissist. Autism doesn't make people cruel.

From your description, it's hard to understand what made you marry a man like that? In thirty long years, you haven't a single friend to talk to? Why do you just remain there in misery without telling someone? Are you being held hostage in your own home?

No one ever visits or calls on you? Then there's something going-on on your end of this situation as well; if you have absolutely no one who cares for you! No brothers, sisters, cousins...nobody? This is often how people end-up when married to a narcissist. They are isolated from the outside.

Self-imposed exile separates them from outsiders, visitors, and family; to center all their attention around their mate. The center of their universe. They have no support-system whatsoever. They are at the mercy of their beloved captors.

You have to be proactive in saving yourself, if no one comes around that you can talk to. Advice is lost on you; if you are not going to make any effort to do anything about your situation.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

mystiquek agony auntI am in your age range and I totally understand how you feel. Sometimes even though we really want to do something, it can seem just too much to deal with and you just can't seem to draw the strength. Its obviously worse if you are not in good health. I urge you though to think of yourself and your future. Its MISERABLE being in a marriage where you are no longer in love and the spouse isn't treating you well.

I've walked this road. I was married to an alcoholic. He refused to get help. I tried to reach out and help him but he refused. We had been married for close to 20 years and it meant going through a nasty divorce (he didn't want one and told me he'd fight me about everything), tearing up our lives, tearing up our teenage son's life. I was working full time trying to maintain the household, coming home exhausted every night and living with a functioning but abusive (Mentally) husband. I didn't have the strength!

Then I started thinking of how many years did I have left and did I want to continue to live this way? The answer was a resounding NO!

Sweetie..make some phone calls, get some information, see where you stand. Most first visits to a lawyer are free. Talk to your doctor, you sound (understandably) very depressed. Help yourself. We can't do it for you. Do you have a close friend or family member that you can talk to about things? Only you can decided if you want a divorce but it sounds like your marriage is gone. I waited 2 years before I finally decided I couldn't take any more of my marriage. It wasn't easy and yes, at times it just seemed too much to handle, but let me tell you, once it was over...I felt such a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I WAS FREE!!!

I wish you all the best and send you hugs. Sometimes you have to help yourself before others can help you.

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