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I know I just asked for help the other day but now I have a worse problem. My girlfriend's ex fiancee says he's dying.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2008) 8 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2008)
A male United States age 41-50, *r.Worry writes:

I know I just asked for help the other day but now I have a worse problem. My girlfriend's ex fiancee says he's dying. He just left her one day and never spoke to her until yesterday. She never knew why he left her but now she knows it was because he's sick. He has a heart problem, an enlarged heart. My great-grandmother had that and lived a long life with no limitations. I don't know how he's now dying after he left her around 1 1/2 years ago dying then. Maybe it's gotten worse. My girlfriend was angry at first because they would've been together if he had told her. She's not the kind of person to leave if things get hard.

Now here's the problem, I know she wants to see him because it might be her last chance. I know when I tell her to go she won't because of my jealousy. This guys means the world to her and I have to make her go or she will resent me and regret not going. How can I convince her to go? I will try to make her believe I don't have a problem with it. How do I pretend it's fine with me? I don't like it but I know she needs to go. I have told her that her happiness means more to me than my own, even if it means losing her. I know it's a real possibilty I will lose her. She loves this man more than she will ever love me. I hate that but I understand. I think to myself, what if she sees him and all those feelings come rushing back. I know I have to just let her go now that she knows why he left.

Part of me wants to end this now so she won't feel guilty for leaving me. I love her VERY much but I can't deal with her going or not going. I was mad about her having guy friends and when she found out about her ex, she said she can't deal with my jealousy and maybe we should end it. Now she said this BEFORE she told me about him.Looks like I'll be hurt no matter what. Should I be honest and take the chance of her not going and regretting it? Or should I make her think I'm fine with it so she will go?Thanks everyone

View related questions: fiance, her ex, jealous

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A male reader, Mr.Worry United States +, writes (1 April 2008):

Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Mr.Worry agony auntHe can't visit both of us because my g/f and I have sorta long distant relationship.She works crazy hours and I have to take care of my grandmother.She will be coming soon tho.She has a big family but they are all grown.She's looking at possible jobs here so she can move here,that will be awhile tho.I love her some much I don't mind waiting.However,since this guy is back in the picture,it may be over anyway.I went along time without being in a relationship for this very reason:getting hurt.I can't predict the future but there's a very good chance it's already over.She's afraid to tell me tho.She knows how sensitive I am and how fragile I am.My whole life I've been suicidal and she knows this.I'm on meds now that help thoughts of suicide.She thinks I might do it but I won't.She won't admit that she is not going because of me and that is killing me.She will resent me when he dies,and regret not going.I may have to break up with her so she will go as painful as that will be.I love her and want her to be happy even if I have to hurt.I don't handle hurt well at all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

Could you be the bigger man and invite him to meet with both of you? That way he can see that your girlfriend has moved on and you can eyeball any body language etc between them. You cannot stop two people that desperately want to be together but you cannot live in fear. I think you could help yourself by confronting it head on.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (1 April 2008):

rcn agony auntAnybody can stop saying things they shouldn't. You choose your own reactions. Jealousy stems from fear. A fear of loosing what you have with her. I have a real simple phylosophy regarding relationships. Neither person can dictate the behaviors of the other. Trust the other to be faithful, but keep in mind if they aren't you have a choice to fogive or move on. Relationships are only two people who choose to be with the other, and just the same can choose not too.

Now if he's saying he wants to be with her, instead of saying goodbye, that's a different story. They may have had something great before, but that might not be what she wants now. I'd just let her know that this shouldn't be a main focused discussion. If she wants to visit, she has your blessing to do so. It's her choice and that you'll stand by whichever one. Then the conversation should end until she's made that choice.

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A male reader, Mr.Worry United States +, writes (1 April 2008):

Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Mr.Worry agony auntShe said she's over it after only one day! I told her there's no way she's over that in 24 hours!She's trying to protect me but won't admit it.I told her it was fine to go because they would be married had he told her the truth.She's going to resent me when he dies.Should I start an argument so she will break up with me and go to him?I know she wants to go.Maybe she's afraid she will hurt me if she goes back to him.

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A male reader, Mr.Worry United States +, writes (1 April 2008):

Mr.Worry is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Mr.Worry agony auntShe was ready to break up because of my insane jealousy.I've put her through so much.She says I need to realize that no matter who her friends are she wants me.My insecruties make me keep say things i shouldn't and i can't stop.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (1 April 2008):

rcn agony auntI'd let her go to see him. I think that's what you're planning on doing. You asked on here to try to talk yourself out of what you know is the right thing to do.

All though these are not the best of circumstances. I look forward to running into people like you on here. It's rare, but every now and again. You have what so many are trying to reach. "True" love. I can tell because you're willing to let someone go out of your love for them. That is the ultimate form of love for someone. All though you may loose her, you're putting your happiness above your own. I really wish you the best, and hope everything works out for you. Take care.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

I wouldn't end it, however much it hurts you - and of course I don't want you hurt but - you need to be there for her. For a little bit, there might feel like some messing around but she needs to work it out for herself and she'll need you for support.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008):

That really is a problem - it is so complicated I think you can only deal with this by being totally honest with her about how you feel and she with you - take a long day to discuss it with her asking her to be as direct and honest with you as possible. I am afraid that for me the most significant thing you wrote is that she has already suggested you end things - sorry that will hurt you very much but it must indicate that she is not committed enough to your relationship which does not bode well for you in the future no matter what happens with the ex...it is sad that you love her so much - you sound headed for heartache what ever you do so after you know where you stand with her try to take the option that will hurt you least and help you maintain some self respect.

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