A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend broke my trust last year in July. We had been together for two years and during the beginning of our relationship his ex would always call him until a point she became a distraction to us. He said he blocked her and stopped being in contact with her. I found out that he was lying to me, that he kept in touch with her on the side but lying to me saying they have no contact. I still remember how he looked and how his voice sounded so sincere when he said he would never lie or do anything to hurt me or our relationship and that I came first before his ex.Its been 6 months since he lied, I am still trying to trust him again. During these six months of trying to regain trust, I've asked to see his phone twice and today I asked him to swear via text that he has not contacted, texted, spoken, or seen her in person. I don't know why, but I had a really bad gut feeling while I was at work, so I texted to ask him to swear he's not been in contact with her. He refused. I got mad and said if he can't even put the effort to confirm then he doesn't care about our relationship. He was out shopping and ignored my calls and texts and continued shopping. When he got home he called me and I basically said to him that he messed up and it will take time for me to heal but during this healing process I will ask to see his effort and trust worthiness. He said I should just let it go and move on. Then I found out he was at the mall near where his ex lives.. its about an hour away from where he lives, he drove all the way there just to 'shop'.Do you think I'm asking too much from him? Should I just let it go as he suggests?
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at work, his ex, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 February 2016):
 You don't trust him sweetie and well I don't blame you, but a relationship needs trust to work no matter how hard you try it won't work if you can't trust him.
He lied to you which it appears he may still be doing. You want to see the good in him because you love him, but I think you know deep down he is still in contact with her. He has lied to you, which was disrespectful. He knew how you felt yet he still kept in contact with her, that shows how little he cared about your feelings. Now that you have trust issues he blames you for them and not himself for putting you in that situation. If he really wanted to make this relationship work he would prove to you with all that he could that he has changed. But he is not making that effort. Sweetie I think you would be better out of this relationship before you end up really clingy and your self esteem hits rock bottom.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2016): I agree with him that you should let it go and while you are at it, let him go too. This isn't healthy. Do you want to spend another two years checking up on him and having to spy on him? You two should be happy. This isn't something you should just sweep under the rug as he suggests. At the same time this isn't something you should have to deal with. You don't trust him. Period. He's not trustworthy. He lies to you about his contact with the ex. The best thing you can do is end the relationship. He's not showing you respect. If he wants to stay in touch with the ex let him stay in touch with her. In the meantime remove yourself from this little love triangle. Spying on him isn't changing anything, is it? Nothing's changing. So just remove yourself from the situation, don't put up with it any longer. Tell him to keep her and show him the door. That's the only way anything will change and improve. Your life will improve cause you'll no longer have to deal with a two timer. And you may actually inspire a change in him when he sees you are willing to walk away and will no longer put up with his bs. As long as you stick around waiting to see his "effort" and "worthiness" he knows you are always going to be there. Waiting. And he is going to keep lying to you and walking all over you.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (13 February 2016):
 "Move on", "get over it"...are the words of most cheaters. It's not for your benefit in order for them wanting you to heal, but theirs not wanting to be reminded of being arse holes. As for him thinking putting the past in the past is an easy task- He's dreaming and what you are experiencing only natural so this is about him needing to "get over " the fact if you needing to check his phone or whatever to put your mind at ease, then so be it. BUT, is that going to be enough? I don't think so. The lengths people will go to cover their tracks can be something of a full time job for cheaters- getting around phone evidence is easy. Personally, I wouldn't be wasting my precious time with a guy like this because as hard as you both may try, the relationship may recover, but you yourself as a person probably won't. Hyper vigilance is just too mentally and emotionally exhausting.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): "I don't know how else to get better. Any suggestions?"
How about standing up for yourself by refusing to continue being a doormat for a selfish, inconsiderate, manipulative, lying, emotionally abusive scumbag boyfriend who is very likely to cheat on you if he hasn't (or isn't already).
Becoming a strong, independent,self-sufficient woman with the pride, dignity and self-esteem to not tolerate being treated with such blatant contempt is the best revenge?
Men can't disrespect women who respect themselves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): I'm the Original Poster to this question. He says he knows he messed up by lying to me and swears he is no longer in contact with her. He says he doesn't know what to do to regain my trust, but he can't have me requesting to see his phone or swearing over text that he is not in contact with herHe calls this "acting up" on my part that he will not tolerateHe says I should let it go and move on so we can be happy without her shadow always luring over us. Put the past in the past. What he did abd how he lied and how sincere he looked and sounded each time he lied still haunts me, it hurts still and I haven't been able to forget it. This is not to say I bring it up daily, but about once every 6-8 weeks or so I would 'remember' and need to ask or see something to confirm he is not in contact with her. Do I make sense? I know and I truly wish that at some point in the near future we forget about all this and put it behind us, but Im not yet ready to right now. Aside from allowing time to heal the wounds, I don't know how else to get better. Any suggestions?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): I don't think you trust him. I don't think you should trust him. I don't think he's being honest with you. When has your gut instinct ever been wrong? Let's assume he's still in contact with her.... then what. If he is disrespecting your feelings then he doesn't care. He has fuzzy boundaries. Do you want to be with a man like this? You're looking at ways to accommodate his behaviour but really you need to decide VERY clearly what you want to accept or not and once you have that answer make a decision for your own happiness.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 February 2016):
 You know going through his phone is NOT going to make him stop talking to her IF that is what he wants to do?
He can delete texts and calls easily.
IT IS NOT your job as a partner to go through his phone to try and "make" him behave.
Either he has stopped the contact or he hasn't. THIS is a conversation you need to have face to face. IF he has lied to you before, do you REALLY think that he wouldn't over text?
Let's say he still talks to her, then what? Maybe instead of you just "getting" over it, you pack your stuff and leave. Or you sit down and explain (again) why them being in contact is hurting you and the relationship. Maybe have him explain WHY he felt it necessary to keep her around?
He wants you to shut you and let him do what he wants. Is that a partner you want? Or not?
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