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I kicked him out because he watched too much porn, please advise.

Tagged as: Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 April 2011) 19 Answers - (Newest, 19 April 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now (we are both 30) and we moved in with each other at the end of November. I have been blissfully happy and not even thought about anyone else, I was ready marry this person and have children. I used to go around telling people how wonderful he was. However, we finally had the internet installed at home on Thursday and I don't know why but I thought I would check his internet history on the laptop he regulary takes to work. Sure enough he had been looking at porn, he has been staying late at work locking the doors and masturbating then coming home to me!?

Why would he not come home and have sex with me, its not like we are old or I've had kids. The other hurtful thing is I asked him if he watched it a few weeks ago and he said no, made a huge deal out of it and made ME stand in front of him and apologise!? He not only lied but made me apologise!?

I am about to go and start working with women who are trafficed into the sex trade, porn and prostitution go against my very core. Whilst I love him I find him disgusting. He often cannot ejaculate when we have sex but if we stop and I wank him off he comes. When I look at his history I can see his last view was last Saturday and I know we had sex on the sunday and he could not ejaculate and we had to stop.

When we first started he couldn't get it up and said he didn't know why, then over christmas I found herbal tablets to give him an erection in his pocket, he told me the other day he took them for a few months!? I have tried to make things more interesting, I tried sending dirty texts and bought suspenders, ask him to bend me over the sink but he never does, instead he would prefer to stay at work late and wank rather than come home and do it with me, We don't do it that often really and now I know why.

He says he can go for weeks without looking then it might be twice a week. I feel totally devastated and have kicked him out.

I am not unattractive, I am slim etc he says I am the most attractive woman he has ever had but surely this can't be true? He promises he will stop and will do anything to have me back. But surely something is fundamentally wrong here? Please help as i feel desperate about it. I just need some honest answers as I sure as hell can't get them from him.

View related questions: at work, christmas, ejaculate, erection, moved in, porn, text, the internet

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A male reader, wiseoldman United Kingdom +, writes (19 April 2011):

So he's looking at porn. Well, are you giving him the enthusiastic sex any man appreciates, or the PC kind in which everything is always gentle, you never give him oral, and it's all in 'dignified' positions so you don't feel 'oppressed' or 'objectified', the thought of bondage or spanking is right out, and you climax with decorum, if at all?

From your various tirades I suspect this is the case, and sorry if I'm mistaken, but from your attitude I'm not surprised he's looking at porn sites.

My own wife is a delight in the bedroom and I adore her for it- maybe you're just too damned judgemental.

If you want a sexless wimp, find one. If you want a husband, make yours feel more welcome.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011):

It has been my experience (sadly) that most men watch porn. Both my ex husbands were porn addicts. My current bf watched porn, too, but he is not an addict. What I found that made me realize that the current bf was not an addict is the way he handled it when I confronted him about it.

HE DID NOT MAKE ME APOLOGIZE TO HIM!!!

The other two turned it around, blamed me for it and absolved themselves of any wrong doing. In fact, I was called paranoid and nosy!

NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING HE DID!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011):

I understand where you come from. Me and my boyfriend who i have been with for two years now have the same problem. I feel it is downgrading to women, especially when the porn is as vulgar as alot of the stuff on the net.

My boyfriend has been watching porn for a while, and in the beginning i didn't mind. Shrugged it off and thought, 'awwr well its something all men do at some point.' Yet it became more and more regular. And i started to feel worthless. I felt as though i wasn't enough for him. Then he started to act different towards me, very short tempered and seemed like the only time he wanted to see me was for sex. I also found out he was asking other girls on the net for sex, and only found this out because i looked on his history too.

I think it's something that causes a lot of problems. People say it's just porn, but its an addiction. One a lot of men can not handle. When it is a now and again thing, then it could be ignored. But when it starts taking over, and you start getting lied to, this is the point at which you deserve better.

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A female reader, anewstart2011 Venezuela +, writes (11 April 2011):

anewstart2011 agony auntthe problem i see here is communication, if you have to spy, confront and argue off course there's something wrong, porn can be the least of your problems, if you cant stand this then bail, if you are up for a real relationship for the long run then you can work it out, most of the time there others problems under all this, only you and him can know that..

i hope you can sit down and really talk and put everything on the table, look for help is you think is worth it..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011):

You very, very , very deeply hate porn. This sounds like a deal breaker for you. My suggestion is to let men know early on in a relationship how you feel about porn so you won't waste your time getting involved with someone who watches porn.

My suggestion to him would also be to move on to someone who is more compatible.

You're both wasting your time being together.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011):

By the way, you need to have some requirements to propose to him if you want to try again. Makes sure he expresses how he has felt without you as well. These could be:

1. He comes back for a trial period and tries to do without the porn

2 If he fails he will see a qualified sex therapist with you to sort it out

3 He makes all his media available to you at any time and keeps no secrets

3 Give it 6 months or finish for good

in return you will:

Be compassionate and willing to talk

Offer him this chance

Discuss any compromise

Something like that

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011):

The problem is loving someone who you can't trust and who has a flaw which is opposed to your informed morality. He may be able to grow up but you will need proof!

He has concealed himself and in one aspect you have found him to be at the opposite end of the spectrum of what is acceptable to you although in all other ways you have loved your relationship.

I have similar issues and I am married. The trouble is I have an active imagination and I wonder whether my husband would go further if he would not be found out. Would he if on a stag night abroad pay for sex? Go somewhere for a quick blow job on his way home from work? A quick lap dance? I know he loves me but where does his laddish (he is 51!) sense of entitlement take him? Paranoia neepneep.

We often hear men say that they are programmed differently, which is true. But is it an excuse for treating women in a way that they would hate to experience themselves? And I really think they would hate it if they experienced the sense that they were not the be-all and end-all in our bedrooms. Such as "In fact I am a bit sick of only seeing your willy, I want to see much bigger ones now please because yours no longer makes me satisfied".

Unclear boundaies cause paranoia as it does with me and my husband. He topped off abroad on various journeys and a man who knows him asked whether he had found any cheap brothels whilst away - laughing about it in my presence! Enough to send me to the barmy house I'd say.

In my first marriage my husband occasionally did porn and it didn't upset me as much. That was because he said he though paying someone pretend to want sex with you is abhorrant. I knew where I was and it felt a very stong guide. Your partner is addicted. Unless he is willing to face that you don't have a great chance because you will need to check up on him all the time.

It is so sad that he needs to be that defensive and he will not acheive a good relationship with anyone else either unless he sorts this out.

Men's willies get them into trouble if they lead them too well. They all have a tendency that way and only the men with strength, respect and a good idea of what is worth preserving manage to control the magnetic urge of sex pulling them in the wrong direction. I feel a bit sorry for them sometimes!

But I also feel a bit sorry for us. Good relationships being torn appart by the doubts and unhappiness caused by a man falsley affirming his virtual virility so much that he stamps out its potential in real life.

Perhaps a condition you could start with is that he joins you at work for a while - it is easy for people to compartmentalise others and dehumanise them. Happens all the time, in slavery, in WW2, in the sex industry.

As you know, people being apparently willing participants in porn are very often not. They are led by vulnerability, society seeming to make it acceptable, economic and other factors. When big industry takes over it takes a long time for people to wake up - just has it did in the fast food industry which has contributed to obesity. I believe those who make porn suffer later and lose all faith in relationships, they get damaged.

I think we all need to work hard to really enjoy what we have. Plant your own seed, grow your own food and your carrots will taste delicious. Mrs Farmer that is me! It is the same with relationships. Porn is to burgers what a homemade meal is to a relationship. Some people don't care if all they get is burgers. They quite like just burgers, filling and quick. They don't care if a 9 year old made their cheap shirt in India, so long as they get what they want they don't think about the process or its meaning. I know we can't all be prefect all the time.

Lots of younger people including girls stand up for men in the rights of porn war. I think they must be trying to fit in, which is another reason fore certain waxing habits which nobody would have just thought up for themselves. They don't have the maturity to realise that this issue may seem ok now but how will they fell when they are fifty like me knowing their husband is secretly knocking himself out over girls as young as his daughters? Enough to make me choke in my cocoa! There will be no room for self esteem then my dears!

Perhaps as with fast food, there will be a gradual rebalance. Maybe there should be a very profitable law introduced where people have to pay a licence fee to access porn from their computers and adults in a home would sign a licence jointly. In most businesses here using porn on a work laptop is a dismissable offence. Perhaps you should let his employers know that the may need to investigate his work ethic. Hee hee.

Perhaps in the right circumstances and a good chat I could be presuaded to maybe use a film, with him, of say an attractive couple of similar age. Do we exist?! I am continuously trying to re-examine my way of living and thinking because I try not to be judgemental, but my perception of this issue is that it is very delicate and needs total open-ness and thought to be OK, especially when in a partnership.

Some of the replies you have seem a bit like they are telling you you will have to put up with it; ie men will have what they want so just put up with it. I don't really buy that, it looks as though we have no influence but we are the ones that men need to be loved by. I think that gives us enough influence to be listened to so we can find common ground.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (11 April 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt OP, you raise interesting and thought provoking points against porn,but then unfortunately whether they are more or less valid is not the issue.

If you feel so strongly and passionately against porn , then alas you just have chanced on the wrong man for you and you just have to let him go. Based on what you say yourself about the addictive quality of porn and its power to create in people a different mindset, perhaps even a different neural path like in other addictions, then it would be foolish of you to trust his promises of giving up because they have not many chances to be kept.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011):

Come on, it's just PORN. what, you enjoy ice cream, and it's bad for health right? he enjoys porn, and it's bad for health too right?

Wrong. They're both only bad if taken in EXCESS. There's probably a reason why he's turning to porn and not getting it on with you. You probably give him stress.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011):

Philips why did you have to go and ask that question? Haha.

My gravestone inscription will be this 'I wish I'd spent more time wanking on the internet.' Genius.

OP after all you've said, have you decided what you're going to do about you're boyfriend? You seem to have a very deep hatred of porn and from the looks of things this is a deal breaker for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

The mechanics of the pornographic search - craving, discovery of the "right" image, masturbation, relief - makes it, work like a sort of drug, an antidepressant. The myth about porn, is that "it frees the libido and gives men an outlet for sexual expression. This is truly a myth. I have found pornography not only does not liberate men, but on the contrary is a source of bondage. Men masturbate to pornography only to become addicted to the fantasy. There is no liberation for men in pornography. [It] becomes a source of addiction, much like alcohol. There is no temporary relief. It is mood-altering. And reinforcing, ie, 'you want more' because 'you got relief'. It is this reinforcing characteristic that leads men to want the experience they have in pornographic fantasy to happen in real life.

In its most severe form, this can lead to sexual crime, though the links between the two remain controversial and much argued-over. Wyre, from his work with sex offenders, says, "It is impossible not to believe pornography plays a part in sexual violence. As we constantly confront sex offenders about their behaviour, they display a wide range of distorted views that they then use to excuse their behaviour, justify their actions, blame the victim and minimise the effect of their offending. They seek to make their own behaviour seem normal, and interpret the behaviour of the victim as consent, rather than a survival strategy. Pornography legitimises these views."

One of the most extreme examples of this is Ted Bundy, the US serial sexual murderer executed for his crimes in January 1989. The night before his death, he explained his addiction to pornography in a radio interview: "It happened in stages, gradually ... My experience with ... pornography that deals on a violent level with sexuality is that, once you become addicted to it, and I look at this as a kind of addiction like other kinds of addiction, I would keep looking for more potent, more explicit, more graphic kinds of material. Like an addiction, you keep craving something which is harder, harder, something which gives you a greater sense of excitement, until you reach the point where the pornography only goes so far ... It reaches that jumping-off point where you begin to wonder if, maybe, actually doing it will give you that which is beyond just reading about it or looking at it."

Bundy, as damaged as he was, stopped short of blaming pornography for his actions, though it was, he believed, an intrinsic part of the picture. "I tell you that I am not blaming pornography ... I take full responsibility for whatever I've done and all the things I've done ... I don't want to infer that I was some helpless kind of victim. And yet we're talking about an influence that is the influence of violent types of media and violent pornography, which was an indispensable link in the chain ... of events that led to behaviours, to the assaults, to the murders." In the understated words of Wyre, "The very least pornography does is make sexism sexy."

The average man, of course, whatever his consumption of pornography, is no Bundy. Yet for those who have become addicted, the road to a pornography-free life can be long and arduous.

Pornography is fantasy in the place of reality. But it is just that: fantasy. Pornography is not real, and the only thing human beings get nourishment from is reality: real relationships.

What do you want to say when you get to the end of your life? That you wish you'd spent more time wanking on the internet? I hardly think so.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

1. It objectifies women.

A real man sees a woman for who she is. He respects her and her individuality. He sees her as his equal and as a person that deserves respect. It takes a lot of work and effort to interact with women, but a real man has the cajones to do it.

Porn, on the other hand, objectifies women. It turns women into “things” that are only there to gratify a man’s sexual urge. Porn eliminates any need to connect with a woman emotionally or intellectually.

If you want an idea of how insiders in the porn industry feel about women, just ask Bill Margold, a long time performer. For Margold, his “whole reason for being this industry is to satisfy the desire of the men in the world who basically don’t care much for women and want to see men in [the porn] industry get even with the women they couldn’t have.” One writer for porn movies (they have writers?) said that pornography creates the illusion “that women are really in their rightful place and that there is no serious challenge to authority.”

If you have to view porn so you can feel like a man, you’ve got some problems. Real men don’t have to turn women into things to feel like a man.

2. It supports a filthy industry

Almost no man I know would hire a prostitute for sex. The idea of paying a stranger for sex violates their sense of propriety. But porn is basically prostitution, just a few steps removed. No matter how you slice it or rationalize it, you are paying a stranger to have sex. It’s pretty gross when you take a step back: you’re paying people to have sex so you can watch them do it. No man would ever want his sister to be a porn star, so why is it okay for someone’s else’s sister to do it? The more porn that is consumed, the more porn that is made. Even if you’re sitting in your den in Omaha, you have a hand in making the industry grow.

3. It will mess with your expectations of sex

Porn creates unrealistic expectations in the minds of men about love and sex. In porn, the women are always hot and ready to go and have perfect airbrushed bodies. Best of all, the women don’t talk. Men don’t have to worry about nagging or having to interact with the women they view in magazines and videos. Men can just have their way them, and be done with it.

The reality is that women don’t want to have sex all the time, not all women have cantaloupe-sized tatas, and women like to talk. Sometimes a lot.

Porn-obsessed men thus have a hard time starting any type of meaningful relationship because the girls they meet don’t measure up to the women in their magazines and on their websites. And when a man does establish a loving sexual relationship, many sociologists have noted that men who have used porn view their partner through a “pornographic filter.” They’ll resort to impersonal fantasy of some porn scene when they’re having sex because the love for their partner isn’t enough to satisfy them.

The porn-brained man also pushes his woman into doing things she’s not very comfortable with, seeking to act out the exotic scenes he’s seen on film. And he’ll think women are all about it. On sites like Jezebel (the writers of which are far from prudish women) women complain that men of this generation will sometimes do things like ejaculate on their face the first time they have sex, thinking that every women thinks that’s really hot. What a sad commentary on today’s men.

If you want to have a good love life, avoid the porn.

4. It creates a cycle that diminishes your sexual pleasure

While society says that more is always key to happiness, the truth is that moderation is. The pleasure receptors of our mind are sensitive mechanisms. When you first try something new, be it travel, food, or porn, the stimuli easily activate these receptors. But after repeated exposure to the stimuli, your pleasure plateaus. At this point, people often reach for more-more food, more sex, more porn, etc. in order to recover the initial pleasure they once took in the experience. But this only begins a vicious cycle in which you must seek ever greater and more intense stimulation to return to your initial pleasure level. Eventually you overwhelm and numb your pleasure receptors. Studies have shown that when looking at porn you get used to the level of graphics-ness that is portrayed and then need to ratchet up that level to get the same thrill from it. And where will that cycle end?

While society may sell you on the idea that the more sexual images you cram into your life, the happier you’ll be, the opposite is true. To quote Naomi Wolfe:

The reason to turn off the porn might become, to thoughtful people, not a moral one but, in a way, a physical- and emotional-health one; you might want to rethink your constant access to porn in the same way that, if you want to be an athlete, you rethink your smoking. The evidence is in: Greater supply of the stimulant equals diminished capacity.

After all, pornography works in the most basic of ways on the brain: It is Pavlovian. An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforces imaginable. If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on; if you open your focus to an endless stream of ever-more-transgressive images of cybersex slaves, that is what it will take to turn you on. The ubiquity of sexual images does not free eros but dilutes it. Other cultures know this. I am not advocating a return to the days of hiding female sexuality, but I am noting that the power and charge of sex are maintained when there is some sacredness to it, when it is not on tap all the time.

5. It saps your manly confidence

Porn saps a lot of confidence you have in yourself. Men usually turn to porn when they’re depressed and lonely. Instead of making the effort to get out and meet real women, many men take the easy way with porn. More often than not, after getting their fix, men feel even more depressed and lonely because the only intimacy they can get is with a magazine or a web video. It leaves them feeling empty inside. Even worse, pornography can become a crutch for a man, which in turn can sap even more of their confidence.

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A male reader, Philips United Kingdom +, writes (10 April 2011):

Philips agony auntWhy do women hate porn so much???

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi All, thanks for your help, I am in communication with him and he is saying he will give it up, he says its no big deal to him and he now realises it affected our sex life, he says it was a meaningless release and never chose it over me. Its just so hard to trust what he says now I know he has lied and embroidered it too! I want him to come home but I would kick myself if I found myself in the same position two years down the line or had children with him. He is saying all the right things but its a risk isn't it. Would any man be the same?? I just can't get the thought of him staying at work late to do that!!! I just think my god how sneeky can you be and all the times I've asked him why can't he come and he says he doesn't know? I mean it is very unusual for a man to not be able to ejaculate isn't it? I have two lond term relationships with men who had to fight the feeling if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong its not all the time just now and then he can't manage it. Then there is the tablet issue before xmas. God I dunno what to thing anymore.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

No I think the biggest issue here is that he has chosen it over me, when I am sat at home waiting for him he has chosen to say at work and do that and on top of it he lies and cant have sex with me properly. I love him dearly and he says he will do anything to get me back but how can I trust him.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (10 April 2011):

CindyCares agony auntPersonally I don't like porn, and I have a hard time understanding why people get so turned on by close ups of strangers's genitalia, might as well being turned on by seeing dogs or cats coupling ! But, that's me - I also have a hard time understanding why people like strawberry ice cream, or action movies, or camping- any of the things which don't meet my tastes.

I understand , though, why a man could chose masturbating over a willing, attractive mate.

Because it's quicker and simpler.

If you are anything like me - and like thousands of other women - sex takes some time and effort. I am a romantic, or maybe a ballbreaker, but I don't like quickies. I like long, deep kisses- and extensive foreplay. And taking all the time it takes , no rush, for reaching a " conclusion ". And lots of cuddling after . Pillow talk. Oh, and of course you have to smell fresh before, a shower may be in order. And maybe adding the right light, the right music :)?... All that takes at least an hour, often much more.

Not good if one wants just a fast , unemotional purely physical release.

So, while I am not a big fan of porn and porn watchers, I understand very well how a person some times may just want to come fast without putting on a major lovemaking production.

Your case is complicated by the fact that he lied about his porn use, and made you feel bad for accusing him... of something he was doing. So, more than porn in itself, the problem here is the lies, the breech of trust and the lack of open, mutually non-judgemental communication. It seems he lied because he knew you'd freak out, and you'd freak out because you could not explain him why porn makes you feel insecure , unwanted and unloved - inadequate. So he has not been able to come up with reassurance, or a compromise.

It all depends from what is a total deal breaker for you-

if porn watching is, or telling lies is, then, no turnng back, it's over. If you can at least talk about these things, and see each other's point of view, maybe you can work it out.

I must add that , from what you say about his problems in bad, it sounds like he went on a porn binge which left him desensitized to regular stimuli- if it is so, he'd better to go off porn for a good while, whether he's with you or not !

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011):

I don't understand your question OP. You didn't really ask one.

Are you asking if you were right to kick him out? Are you asking us for our opinion on his porn use? Are you asking us if him saying you more attractive is true? I don't get it.

The situation is this, 1. he's using porn and it's ruined your sex life. 2. Porn is something you're completely opposed to and utterly hate. 3. He lied about it and made you apologize for even thinking that.

I think you made the right choice and I really don't see any way back from this point. I use porn and I have a girlfriend of 5 years but it's something we share and to me it's a tool for masturbation and I only masturbate when I need a non sexual release. But I wouldn't do that if there was a chance my girl wanted sex in the next few hours. I definitely wouldn't use it if it had any kind of negative effect on our sex life either. She comes first, literally and figuratively.

OP regardless of your opinion on porn he has chosen it over you, his addiction to it has come before your sex life and he lied about it.

Can he change? I'd say yes but he has to work long and hard to do that. It all depends on whether you think you can forgive him and whether you think he will actually be able to do that.

The whole attraction thing, normally I'd say no, because most of us guys would never choose porn over our girlfriend, we'd never let it affect our sexual performance or our ability to satisfy their sexual needs. But he has chosen porn instead of that and let it get out of hand. There has to be a reason why he did that.

Good luck OP, no matter what you decide this is not going to get any easier, whether you decide to give it a go or leave him you have to make some hard choices. But I would not trust him to make them to be honest. It's like any other addiction OP, if a person chooses that over your well being and happiness then it's time to ditch them in my opinion.

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A male reader, brit473 United Kingdom +, writes (10 April 2011):

This is a big problem for you, Hon.

The internet is there, its all around us and always will be. You cant restrict access to that, so thats something we have to live with. My first reaction was to say that its a fantasy thing, that its something he does that satisfies an urge that he wouldnt Ever expect of you - things he may think of but respects and loves you too much to even approach. Its gone further though, hasnt it? I think his thoughts have gone from the reality of having a Beautiful Vibrant partner, into the realms of fantasy sex. Thats what it is though- Fantasy. Its not as though you've done or not done anything to make this situation- quite the reverse. From what you've said you're a Gorgeous Vital lady. As a bloke myself, I see only 1 but perhaps you might be able to tackle way to address this, Babe, and thats to sit him down, talk hard and without holding back, and make him face his problem - because thats what it is. xxx

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (10 April 2011):

chigirl agony auntPorn is not the biggest issue in itself here. The issue is that he is doing something you are fundamentally against. Did he know you were against the use of porn? Did you have a discussion about it?

The next issue is the lying. He needs to be honest with you about this, or else you wont be able to trust him, and you will be heartbroken. But what is worse to you? Knowing he watches porn and have him being honest about it, or living with the idea that he doesn't watch porn and have him lying about it? Which do you prefer?

You can't make him stop watching it, it is legal, and he is a grown man. He does what he wants to do. If this is a dealbreaker to you I wonder if you didn't talk to him about this earlier? Did you just not ask him and hoped for the best?

Porn has nothing to do with YOU, just to mention that. Search the archives for why men watch porn, and you will find plenty of discussions that will help you understand.

Are you able to compromise with him, that he can watch porn as long as you don't have to see or hear about it, and as long as it is not in your home?

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