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I keep changing my mind about how I feel!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Friends, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 August 2014) 1 Answers - (Newest, 13 August 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have recently come out of a relationship where my ex met another girl and he fell in love with her (it had been going on for a few months). Over a week ago I tried to go online dating again as I was thinking that it might be a good distraction and a way of getting over the hurt. Bearing in mind by this time it had only been four weeks since we split (we were together two and a half years). Other then just trying to use it as a distraction and not really serious about it, I didn't have any spiteful intentions and it was in no way to make my ex jealous, although he was. He e mailed me about how sorry he is and how in love he still is with me , and I do not want him back or anything as he is still with this woman and even if not I couldn't be with someone like him, he is not right for me.

Anyway, cut a long story short, I actually got a date from the site, but I did say to the guy I think it is way too soon and took myself off the site having only been on there a couple days or so. We got on well, and very chatty etc, at the end of the evening he tried to kiss me and we did manage to, just, but I then pulled away and a song was playing that really pulled on my heart strings and I ended up crying there and then in front of him! Now most men would have run a mile after this but he was still keen to see me again even though I was really confused and we spoke about stuff very openly but basically I blew him off. But we met briefly another time after that and went for a meal on Friday evening as I wanted to give it a chance, but after my meal I wanted him to take me straight home as didn't feel right at all about being with him, I just didn't feel any spark or anything at the time, and was in a real bad place and told him how I felt. So again to him I rejected him like after the first date and he took me home very despondent he was too. He seems such a lovely nice guy, and my head says yes but my heart is nooo and if I was in a better place emotionally I could give it a go with him. He knew he was rushing me and I have said he needs to back off in a friendly way, told him stupidly that I think I must still be in love with my ex, although day by day those feelings are going. Seems now we might become friends, as its not fair on me to keep blowing hot and cold on him as I would be if we dated. Thing is I saw him today after not seeing him since upsetting him Friday and I felt so at ease with him, even to the point where I feel I could fancy him as I know he fancies me. But I am still confused and know it is way too soon. I just don't know how to deal with my feelings, what I should do, what is fair what is right to do. I know being friends first is best and think he knows to leave me be and take things at my pace. He really does like me, and I like him too, and think i could trust him: a very important thing after whats happened to me! But at the moment I do feel i keep changing my mind about how i feel about him, one minute I am liking the idea of eventually something happening, then another time I think.. naaaa he is no for me, he is this or he is that. I am so confused! Any advice much appreciated please, as really not sure how I should proceed!

View related questions: fell in love, jealous, my ex, spark

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (13 August 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt I think you have answered your own question. It's too soon. You are not ready to date yet, even just for fun or distraction. Give yourself time, everybody is different.

For some people jumping straight back in the dating arena may work and be a good distraction, for other persons like you it only brings up confusion, and wistfulness, and longing for the past, with also cringe-worthy moments :) like when you burst in tears during a date .

Now, you say yourself that it would not be fair to blow hot and cold with this man , but I don't think keeping him around as a friend is much better.

Basically, what you want to do is friendzoning him until you are good and ready, whenever that may be, while you know perfectly,though, that he does NOT want just friendship from you, but much more : would not you HATE some guy doing the same to you ?...

( I don't know, personally I have zero tolerance with people with Ex's baggage.... so you can't forget your ex ? Fine, do not forget her.. and leave me the hell alone in the meantime !..., what am I , an Agony Aunt ?... Well, yes, actually I am :).... when I CHOOSE to be ; I am sure you get what I mean ).

Moreover, .. it would probably not work anyway the way you think,- if this guy is not already crazily , desperately in love with you , or he does not have a rather codependent personality, pretty soon, couple of months or so, common sense would kick in, he'd get tired of romancing someone who is emotionally unavailable , and would want start dating other women who ARE available.

Finally, I am not sure it's JUST about the ex, somehow you give the sensation that , even if your heart was free, this guy is still not quite " it ". Good on paper, but still not what you want . I think it is quite possible that now you like him so much, because you are feeling lonely and vulnerable, because a part of you wants to go nyah nyah nyah on your ex and show him that you too can find somebody, because this guy offers you a distraction , etc... because having someone who pursues you in a moment like the one you are going through is both a comfort and an ego boost.

But probably, once you will have gotten rid of your lingering feelings for you ex, and you woll feel ready for a new relationship... you still won't like the second guy enough. I am all for choosing men ALSO with your head , but when the choice is purely rational, it's never good enough. The world is full of decent caring people with many qualiries, and still we can't MAKE ourselves fall in love with them. He has to appeal ,at least somewhat, to both : head and heart.

To sum it up: let this guy go, I don't think it's only just aabout bad timing, but even if it is bad timing- so be it. It is what it is, at the moment you aren't fit for a fulfillfing relationship until you haven't processed ( ON YOUR OWN ) the remnants of the old one.

P.S: go no contact with your ex, do not let him feed you further stupid bullshit that keeps you stuck in the past. Oh how sorry he is, and how in love he is with you ( eye roll )- yes, he is so sorry, and so in love, ... that he is dating someone else. If he loved YOU, he'd still be with you. As simple as that.

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