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I keep catching my husband in lies...

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 August 2005) 46 Answers - (Newest, 27 March 2013)
A female , anonymous writes:

First a little about my situation. I have been married for six years. I am a stay at home mother of three beautiful children. I feel my marriage from the beginning was just a mound of lies. He lies about work, his past and constantly does dishonest things.

The first big lie was a so called friend relationship that he said. He was only guilty of flirting and being a nice guy. To make a long story short. She ended up telling me that my husband and her were sleeping together and of course he said she was lying and refused to confront the issue or prove himself. Instead while the woman was on the phone with me he decided to take a shower.

Like a fool I believed that the woman was just a single mother trying to causes problems for self gain. I have almost convince myself that she was a lunatic until yesterday four years after the first event. My Husband meet a female (single mother) co-worker for lunch and lied about who he was with and his whereabouts. He confessed only because I told him that a friend saw him there with her. He then admitted he lied because he had to and then proceeded to get angry with me saying how I embarrass him.

I don't know if he's cheating but all the sign are pointing in that direction and even if he told me he's not, how can you believe a liar? When my husband lies to me he loses three things: trust, security and respect. Trust is built on truth. When my husband consistently does the good and right things that he says he will do, he will gain or regain my trust.

Speaking the truth is one of the most loving things he can do in our marriage but if he constantly lies. How can he ever regain my trust. When my husband lies, his word loses weight and the weight of a man's word anchors his integrity. When my husband lies, I am no longer sure that his yes means yes and his no means no.

His lies have sown seeds of doubt in our marriage and the fruit of doubt is distrust. My Grandmother said "God requires the wife to forgive her husband for lying to her, but God does not require her to trust him". Trust is earned, and it is earned by a consistent commitment to being truthful over time but he can't stop lying to me. My husband is supposed to be the loving leader to me, but when my husband lies to me he is misleading me making it difficult for me to follow his leadership.

I no longer feels safe because the one who has been set in place for my protection has caused me to feel vulnerable and made a fool of. I believe that every husband wants to be his wife's hero and wants to stand tall in her eyes and have her respect. But through his stupid lies he has shown me no consideration, it will be difficult for me to show him any consideration. A lie is one of the most disrespectful things my husband can ever do to me, and as he robs me of respect by lying to me, he is robbing himself of my respect. I feel lost not knowing truth. I don't know how to get him to stop, I don't know If I can keep a marriage going built on lies. I feel I will never know the truth. What should I do? Thank you, Nichole

View related questions: co-worker, flirt, grandmother, liar

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013):

Well a little bit about self, I have always been a strong, independent, self- sufficient women. I made good money as a bartender and had ton of friends and people that adored me. I had been dating my boyfriend off and on for somewhere around 5 years and he had lied and cheated on me in the past but we both where young and I was quite the handful myself. So when he got offered a job on the rig 5 States away from where we lived then I was excited to go. I had been supporting us for the last 2 years, so I was excited to have someone take care of me for once. So excited that I put all the fears and doubts about being with him to the back of my mind. We had a very rocky relationship in the past he would move in and out of my house and in thous times he usually be with other girl but the last 2 years had been somewhat stable

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A female reader, nadene United States +, writes (23 May 2011):

I have been married for 26 years. I was working I was 17 at the time this guy came in with his br and a girlfriend of mine ..I was fixing to get off work he ask me out my parents was on their way to pick me up. He went out and ask them if he could bring me home. They ask him for his name. Well he lied about his name ...I didn't know he did till one day my parents told me someone told them who he was they stepped in I got so mad. I left home with him and he has lied over and over he hasn't been by my side in 26 years we had a baby in 1986 we lost her at birth he waste at the hospital to bring me home he was at a girls house his mother had to come get me and 4 weeks later she got him to come get me . I havnt gotten over her death all because he never told or showed me he was hurting or sad. Anyway its now 25 years later his lies r more he has called me a kunt and my b day last year he called and said fu k u and all your b days kunt . Last Christmas our daughter we finally had 23 years at the time was home and she finally ask her father why don't u get moma something for Christmas he came back and said she ant good . I've had breast problem. Tumor in my small instants and he didn't care didn't take for my treatments either but he lies about how much he loves me and he needs me ...when I ask him about things I know he does on the computer he tells me I'm crazy and I put that stuff there I don't chat to local girls I don't look at tits ..I get blamed for what he does .I'm a good hearted women. But I'm a lonely 45 year old he is 46 . He needs a pill to have sex with me he tells me often he only lives me he just fuc. K. Them others. He has no feelings none. But he ant out all night he is home all weekend he goes to the gym but when a women comes in boy he let's me know how beautiful she is. Yes we go to the gym but I'm not doing the gym with him at the same time he ant a nice looking man just ok I guess . I'm falling out of respect for him I don't trust him .. I don't know if he cheats but the way I feel sad and lily I told him he told me to go get a real man

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A female reader, nadene United States +, writes (23 May 2011):

I have been married for 26 years. I was working I was 17 at the time this guy came in with his br and a girlfriend of mine ..I was fixing to get off work he ask me out my parents was on their way to pick me up. He went out and ask them if he could bring me home. They ask him for his name. Well he lied about his name ...I didn't know he did till one day my parents told me someone told them who he was they stepped in I got so mad. I left home with him and he has lied over and over he hasn't been by my side in 26 years we had a baby in 1986 we lost her at birth he waste at the hospital to bring me home he was at a girls house his mother had to come get me and 4 weeks later she got him to come get me . I havnt gotten over her death all because he never told or showed me he was hurting or sad. Anyway its now 25 years later his lies r more he has called me a kunt and my b day last year he called and said fu k u and all your b days kunt . Last Christmas our daughter we finally had 23 years at the time was home and she finally ask her father why don't u get moma something for Christmas he came back and said she ant good . I've had breast problem. Tumor in my small instants and he didn't care didn't take for my treatments either but he lies about how much he loves me and he needs me ...when I ask him about things I know he does on the computer he tells me I'm crazy and I put that stuff there I don't chat to local girls I don't look at tits ..I get blamed for what he does .I'm a good hearted women. But I'm a lonely 45 year old he is 46 . He needs a pill to have sex with me he tells me often he only lives me he just fuc. K. Them others. He has no feelings none. But he ant out all night he is home all weekend he goes to the gym but when a women comes in boy he let's me know how beautiful she is. Yes we go to the gym but I'm not doing the gym with him at the same time he ant a nice looking man just ok I guess . I'm falling out of respect for him I don't trust him .. I don't know if he cheats but the way I feel sad and lily I told him he told me to go get a real man

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A female reader, cherry pie United States +, writes (19 January 2011):

Hey sweetheart..i am your sister in pain. My father was like that to my mother, my first husband then now my current husband. At first when they court you or date you they will appear as if you are everything to them. After picking up the pieces on my first marriage, I told my current husband that I am really hurt and that I do not really want to date because I was tired of being hurt and being cheated. He promised me that he is not like those men. I got to know him and he really fooled me because he showed nothing but good intentions. The minute I moved in with him right after we got married, the truth came out. Lies after lies, accusations after another, yelling, screaming fighting..this has been going on for 13 years..don't get me wrong there were good times and happy times. That is the reason why we survived is because of holding on to the good memories and the fun times. For the last two years, he gotten worst. He is non stop tricking, scheming me, lying and betraying...sad to say I really think he has gotten so use to it now that it became a daily thing in our lives. My way of coping is yelling and fighting with him. Even that it doesn't work because I am the one who is really breaking here. I got a degree but I can't find a job because the many years I have been with him, I struggled going to school in person because he shows up at school when he is mad at me and begin embarassing me infront of many people. I stopped and did my education online and got my degree. But still I lack experience. I had a job at one time and he couldn't stop going to my workplace and begin attacking any male who spoke with me. I quit my work and just concentrated on my then small children 2 and 9..now they are 9 and 16..it's sad that they have seen all the arguments, but for some reason with God's blessings, they are okay. I know it's going to affect them somehow, but right now I see that they are okay. I don't know down the road. Their grades are great, they make good friendship with their friends, they are happy and they love God. I guess for so long that I have been going through what I have been going through, prayer was my weapon. This situation with my lying, scheming, betraying, fooling husband I survive through prayers. I have been affected emotionally severely, I became angry towards any cheaters, liars, and men and women who does this and destroy families. I am coping with it by praying semi journalling. I wish I could journal more because I need to express this. It really hurts, but I look back now it sucks. I don't have to go through this as well as my children, but unfortunately I am. I want to leave. He sucks me like a magnet that i end up playing his game even if I hate it so much. I then get upset at myself, and promise myself that I will become a much better person next time. I just can't help it, because the moment I calm down, here he goes again..I called those 1-800 toll free prayer line and asked them to pray for me. I called many of them so they will all pray fo us, for me and my family. One of them told me a verse..."Philippians chapter 4:8-9..it helps to recite it. I really think that you need to take care of yourself more, fight it by convincing yourself that you are more worth it, way bigger than him.. pray first thing in the morning and ask God to help you deal with him and give you wisdom to deal with his lies, & deciept. I have no right to say this, because I am struggling still with mine, but at least try it. It does work for me, but I am just so fearful of him to cheat on me and lie to me that I give in to what he really likes. I realized that now and I am ready too little by little to move on and do this tactic. Join an aerobic program, be busy and don't ask him questions to were he will be obligate to answer, they love that I noticed, because it gives them a reason to LIE! They are slave of their lies and we shouldn't allow our selves to be slaves of the lies of the liars. I am going to be little by little ignoring his deciept. In the end, he will be the one who will face the consequences. I believe in God's disciplining. When you do your fellow being wrong, there will always be consequences in the end. For right now, you have you..no one will love you but you. Don't wait for him because he won't. He loves his little and big lies. that's the only way he could get an attention. Get ready, comes with this lies is infidelity. Women and men who succumb to this lowlifeness will do this easily. They are lying experts and they don't show any remorse. You can control what you can do, but you can't control him. So control him by controling you. Don't feed him any questions which will give him a chance to answer and lie, don't pay attention to him much..show him that you don't care about his lies..you will see him chase you, but be strong. Once you give in again, the cycle begins. God knows the truth, speak your truth and be realistic..take care of yourself and your little ones. You can be the bigger one here. Make sure your children will not be like their father so that when they become adults they will not contribute any evilness in this world.We are at war with liars because we are truthful, direct and honest. they are not. We are easy prey, but trust me, keep your integrity no matter what. wether your marriage will work or not, your integrity will make you the better person here and you will see yourself amazed and proud that you stood up for what is right. your children will be the same way to..you will be the person who will show the evilness that he has done...God bless you sweetheart, I wish I could help more..I am suffering too, but with God, everything is possible..recite that....always..love you!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010):

Girls, communicate your concerns early when you feel your man is a liar. I would notice my boyfriend telling me white lies about random, unimportant things. This would make me wonder what he was truly capable of lying about and unfortunately I have found out the hardest way. He is a deployed marine and I have just discovered yet another lie he has been keeping secret as I sit home attempting to take charge of our finances. I am so disgusted and disappointed but have no satisfaction or relief as he is on the other side of the world. I'm just stuck, as any woman would be whether he is physically here or not. In a marriage I didn't believe was this fake, low or mere imagery as I (like a f***ing fool) took it seriously.

Moral of the story: Trust honest people, if someone lies about things to cover their ass and you feel the slightest bit like it is more of a lie for the sake of lying rather than the everyone lies sometimes thing: get the hell out of DODGE;or get used to it baby because it will only get worse.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010):

a lot of people have been hurt just like me it seems. the problem is we are not married yet, we have a beautiful daughter. my fiance is the best father ever, he treats our daughter like a princess and she loves him. but he can't stop lying to me. it started with big things while dating, online affairs, going behind my back to have physical relationships with other girls ect. once i found out i was pregnant he stopped the cheating cold. really, he has. but he can't stop lying, about porn talking to other girls online. things of the like... but i have made it clear, porn, "close friendships" (with the girl he formerly cheated on me with, are not going to be apart of our marriage. i am honest with him and expect the same from him. i believe porn is a clear violation of a relationship and our therapist agrees. anyways, he lies to my face. he told me we can't get married unless i trust him but when he lies to my face i can't trust him obviously. i just saw his history on his computer, you know?? it's frustrating, because i want to respect and trust him so badly, he's a beautiful man and i want to have our family together. so if i dont trust him in 4 months, wedding is off... guess it's on my side now... but it's encouraging seeing other women understanding the pain i am in now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010):

men will always lie no matter what the situation is and then they tried to turn it around like you are the culprit. believe me i live with one but i just laugh at the games because it is a game you just have to know to beat them at it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010):

well my husband lies about a lot of things to i am to a point in my life where i am hating him because he has lied about affairs cards ive found and a ring i found in his drawer the bad part about it he didn't even purchase the bedroom suit

and he has gotten another woman pregnant and then took her to get an abortion so sweetie you are not the only woman that have been lied to and know he is fat ugly and bald headed he turns me completly off he looks and stinky too just get your shit like i am going to do and get the hell on we are not responsible for those troubled minded bastards ladies if you read this his name is randall rowland sr.when you see him coming run he is a police officer light skinned and bald with a fat stomach he will fool you with that fake smile he lives in the state of georgia please look out he is a disgrace he stated the only thing a woman can do for him is to pay him he is full of game beware again his name is officer randall rowland sr.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010):

I know this is an old post from you, but i do gotta say my boyfriend for 2 years now enjoys to lie alot too. Sad part about it i do catch him in 99% of his lies. He lies constantly, but he has cheated on me one time, about 7 months ago he ONLY kissed another girl and i do know that for a fact. He didnt admit to it right away but after fighting for a several hours he finally admitted it. And he has only admitted it because a friend of his was the one that had told me about it and later on that day i saw his friend and he had showed me text messages between him and my boyfriend talking about it and him and that girl talking about it. So, then there was no way outta it. I left him and a couple days later forgave him and moved on with our life. Till this very day he's still lying about dumb stuff, nothing really big. The big problem for me is that he does lie straight to my face even when i have proof he's the liar, and then turns it around on me also like im the one doing something bad. I personally hate liars more then anything or anyone. I agree that lying takes away trust and respect and im always telling my boyfriend that he doesnt need to lie to me that im more of a layed back person and there is no need for that BS. Whenever i am with him i dont feel like he can be my protector and he knows that, he promised and swore to me a couple months ago that that sh*t it done and over with. I guess for the most part it has, but he is still lying about the littlest things. Like where he is or who hes with. For example if i texted or called him up and asked where he is and he'll say he is at home, and later on hear people talking about things that happened like at the store and then ask him why would you lie to me about something as stupid as being at store and you say your at home? And he'll just be like oh that was a different time, or say he wasnt there with the people, when i got solid proof he was there (stupid right????) I dont know, i agree with everyone else, i love him and everything but the lies need to stop, or i will leave him. Also, if he ever expects to have a family with me he'll need to learn how to frow up and take responsibilty for his actions.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010):

Have you gained a lot of weight since you married? He may no longer be attracted to you and though he loves you as the mother of his children he looks outside the home for sex. He then lies about his affairs because he does not want to lose you and/or hurt you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010):

your man suffers a mental disorder called pseudologia fantastica, or mythomania. It is not that he wants to lie and chooses to lie to you. It is stronger than him and eventually when not treated it might become more frequent. It is very difficult to dignose the disorder becouse the patient would lie to the therapist but there are methods and you should know about it. you should know that this is what it is

good luck and really I feel sorry for you.I know how it feels because I had two boyfriends in the past who suffered it. And the first one I didnt have a clue but with the second one I realised that the stories are somehow similar and reaction when confronted was similar so started my research

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010):

I found this site and started reading some of your stories and just lost it, started crying my eyes out as I can relate to so many of you and ended up in this the same predicament. Married to a pathological liar who's in denial. I'm ready to leave him. I can not do this anymore and I so want to reach out to anyone out there who may read this with more detail but, knowing him so well and knowing how he snoops on me as if I'm the one, up to no good, all the time, as if, I'm the one lying and hiding...it makes it impossible at the moment but, one day.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010):

Dear friend from my own prospective he will keep on lie to you and will keep on doing it until you deside some diferent for your life, get in shape, get a job focus on your kids not him you will find that he has cheared which you already know but keep on deny it to your self, dont let depression get you.........focus on your kids first because they need an umbrella of protection and unconditional love and there is no time for your self until they grow-up and become mens of good moral values.

I know is not what you want to hear but this is reality.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009):

My husband lies all the time! Even if I have proof, he disagree, scream and leaves the house. It really bothers me he lies straight into my face. I can't trust him anymore. He accuses me of things what he does. When I catch him lying, and I catch him all the time, he look in my face and swears to God not to do it anymore, so soon he turns around he does it again. My husband is addicted to alcohol and gambling. We couldn't pay our bills the last months, because of his online gambling. He told me that he only play for $6 -$10, but actually he spent in ONE DAY!!!! $726.00 in online Slots Machines. We don't have this kind of money, I would concider us as poor, his whole paycheck goes for online gambling and beer. Last month he spent $2100.00 in gambling and alcohol. I always believed him, he told me fairytales from the very first day, and I believed him from the very first day. I feel so betrayed. This morning he went before work online, but he forgot to log out. When he left, I went to his computer and went under gambling history, I was quite in shock. Now I know where the money went. I printed the pages and called him up on his cell phone. He played stupid and said he don't know what I am talking about, and that this online slot machines where fake money. No it isn't, it perfectly match with the amounts of our bank account and my credit card, which he is abusing with secretly charges.

I don't know what to feel, I feel empty and sad!

He's such a liar in everything! How I ever ever ever can believe him? Trust is so important for a healthy marriage, his lies destroy our marriage step by step, but he's unable to agree on that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009):

I too live with a husband who lies all the time. I need proof and need to get evidence because i know that he is doing it. he lies about sexual things and i caught him so many times. he can sit there with a straight face and then he attacks me. he accuses me of doing things because it is a way to deflect from his behavior. we went to see a counselor and he was this little hurt boy. she actually fell for it. so much for objective therapists. i feel disgusted by him and do not respect him anymore. the sad thing is that i do feel love for him, but he is killing that slowly but surely. he says things like i can't believe you don't believe me. i am telling the truth. he says if he did it he would have admitted it by now. it is all the standard bullshit. the thing is i am stuck with this guy because i have been a homemaker for most of my adult life. i do not have any marketable skills, plus i have a learning disability. i do not have the wherewithal to get myself motivated and i am scared to death to leave. i have tried to do it by myself and i ended up being homeless. it terrified me so much that i stayed and i continue to stay. i have always wanted to be one of those brave women who overcome and excel and become these great professionals and make lots of money. i sometimes foolishly pray that i will hit the lottery and have the option to be alone. i keep picking these lying men and i have only myself to blame. i wish i could miraculously be independant. i honestly wish i could turn back the hands of time and go to college, stay single and get into some serious therapy with a qualified therapist and heal up from this dyfunction in my life. i wish more than anything that i could have a mentor that would guide me and even support me financially until i got myself together. well, i definitely must figure out what i am going to do. one thing i know is that men have a way of turning things around and making us feel crazy. this one even said that i was ruining the marriage. he totally attacked me verbally and i could see the panic in his face. it is always there when he is caught lying. i will not second guess myself anymore. i know what i know, and you all should to. maybe we could all rent a big house some where, split the rent and help each other out? :)

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A female reader, sarahbear United States +, writes (24 August 2009):

http://www.deepwaters.info/deeper_vol12.htm

don't copy another person's writtings... it is as dishonest as the man you are with.

If you don't respect yourself enough to be honest with the world, your husband/boyfriend will not be honest with you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009):

I have been there and done that, if you didnt trust him from the start, then why would you marry him. He is disrepecting you because you are the mother of his child. A wife should never play 2nd place at any time in the relationship. I have always learned to go with your gut. If he lies about dumb things...then imagine what else he has lied about. He should respect you and your feelings and he should have realized that once he became a father and a husband that all the other bullshit and females should have come to an end. I know it may be hard to do but, play the games he plays and see how he feels about it. if it doesnt seem to phase him, then maybe you should question if he's the right one. But then again...you said you have three kids together, you may have to just stick it out and hope that he changes. hope everything works out.

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A female reader, Amairi Canada +, writes (23 July 2009):

I understand the hardship of your relationship and wish you well in the future.

It is disconcerting, however, to have you raise the issue of 'lies' in the context of your message. You write almost verbatim the actual words of 'Aleathea Dupree' and make use of them as your own. It is inconceivable that your Grandmother stated such fact as you say.

I am sure that you FEEL Aleathea's expressed emotions. To allege them as your own...is a LIE to us all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009):

My husband lies and will look me directly in my eyes and lie to me. He has an excuse for everything and will not take responsibility for anything, I believe if my husband was computer literate he would be soliciting females all day. My husband is very handome and also very vain he uses these qualities to manipulate people to feel sorry for him. My husband is a widower and those were the tactics he used to get women when his deceased wife was sick and no longer able to perform sexually with him, and he uses the sympathy from others to cover up his lies and perversion. I am in comtemplation mode and trying to make a decision to leave him

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009):

leave him!! do not put up with that. life is tooooooo short. u are wasting precious days in your short life. what are u teaching your daughter?? (if u have a daughter that is). stand up for urself, let your children be ur strength. do not ever put up with BS from ANYONE, let alone the "man" u devoted ur life too. love is action, and his action is lies. love is honest and kind. his love is lies, therefore, he does not love u. he's just ussed to u, and u are just used to him. leave him. u know u want to, but scared to. u will be better off, it will be hard at first, but remember, if it doesnt kill you............. it only make u strong. goodluck sis! x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009):

Leave his ass

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A female reader, monareim Norway +, writes (24 March 2009):

hi,

at least you are not the one who does the lying.count yourself lucky. i am married to a fabulous guy but i cant stop lying to him. it's tearing our marriage apart and i believe he deserves better. am considering therapy sessions now.

sorry am not of much help to u

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008):

I understand what your going through..my husband has been going out to sports bars til 2am about 5 nights a week..I believed at first but then I found text messages from females and he happened to stay out til 430am in the morning..I have caught him in many lies and I am pretty sure he is cheating on me..and that is why I am going to file for divorce because i am tired

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008):

I want to tell you all a story about a man that cheated , I have been married three times now, and two of them cheated,well the first two for that matter, my husband that just passed away, he did alot of story telling and some big lies, but he never cheated on me, and I know that for a fact, sure he would look at other women but you know that is only eye candy for them , and as us women, hay we do it also, we look at the good things men have, as well. I lost my husband 3 yrs ago, he hung himself, because I walked out on him, because of his lies, I got to the point that his drinking and drug use was more important than I was, and after 10 years of this I had had enough. well I lost my love, If you truly believe in your heart that your spouse or boyfriend is cheating on you, then you shouldnt be with that person, for it will never stop,. but if your in a relationship and your past is intering that relationship maybe you better step back and look real hard at what is going on, and make sure that you know the real facts, of what is happening, with your man. dont make the mistake I made. and leave what is real, true love, I know that in my heart he was my soul mate, and that love will never come around again. we all tell little white lies and if one says that they dont, well that is a little lie in its self,. we all look for trust, respect and real honest love, If you really believe that your man is seeing someone else you should leave right after him and follow him or have someone else do this, some one you really trust to tell you the truth, or like I said earlier if you had a past relationship with distrust , then in every single relationship you will look for the same mistakes that happened in the past with others. dont let the past interfer with your future, and if that is what is happening in your life right now, then it wont work, because you will look for every single thing that compares the past and the now, with what you have,. or had... so really think of what is happening around you... and dont lose what you have... dont be lost and lonely like I am... seek gods love and compassion for the truth and understanding, and let god bring you what he wants you to have not what you think you really want.

Good Luck, Lost and Lonely...

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A female reader, jeanne United States +, writes (22 September 2008):

Take it from one who knows, if your husband is lying to you,the only real solution is to leave. This never changes,it gets worse. Believe me, if I had taken my own advise a long time ago, my life could have been very different. One lie leads to another, they lie to cover lies,and they will lie about everything. He will never take responsibility for lying, even if you can get him to admit that he lied. It will always be something or someone else that caused him to lie, he will even blame you! He will even lie about you to cover his lies, and the unfortunate thing is, they can be so convincing, people believe them, he will have everyone think that you are crazy. Constant liars are evil and cunning manipulators.

It will never stop, just get out, if he's lying to you he does not love you, he does not care, its not you, he cant love or care about anyone-but himself. He will do this to anyone he's with. He's just damaged.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008):

I can understand your pain. My husband lied from the moment we met. We met online last yr, talked for a while then we met. We were planning a lunch date, then he dissappeared. One of my friends that worked for the same company told me he was married. Four months ago he emailed me again. I thought what does this guy want? I called to see what his story was. He said I blew him off, and that he thought I wasn't interested.Well we started dating and he moved very fast. Rushing me to move in and get married. He said he let me get away once and he knew what he wanted in his life. He said that he was not married last yr., and that he has only been married twice, with a child from both marriages. Well after we married, he asked for the marriage liscence for the insurance. I found insurance cards from another women in the safe with his last name. He told me he forged the marriage certificate to get her insurance. He said had a grave illness. Anyhow, he also told me didn't have sex for three yrs. I found out in the past two years four women lived in his home and he married two of em. When I would ask he would just tell me big crazy lies. They were just roomates who wanted him. It the past. I started digging and have found four marriages.One dated the week we met. I am his fifth. He is 38, and I am 36. I love him but don't trust what comes out of his mouth. We have many arguments over it. I know its the past, its the deception of lies that gets to me. Had I known this before we got married, I would have waited longer to see if he could be trusted. I also found out as soon as he is divorced he gets married with in two months except with me. He waited four months from his divorce that he claims never happened. I found out that a girl lived here right before we dated. maybe days. He never cares about it because he doesn't miss them. He signs up on a dating site and see who he can sweep off their feet and move in right away. This is my second marriage, and I am going to try to stick it out, despite the exes mail coming, finding pajamas etc. How stupid to lie about the past. Now its hard to know what is bullshit and what is the truth.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008):

I always catch my husband lying about being on the computer he does it when im not home an he also comes home late ever evening from work his excuse is im caught in traffic or it's been a reck we have been married only 6 months and im getting where i don't trust him help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008):

My husband lies to me all the time too, about his past, present, and I'm asuming the future too. Its really frightening to be in a relationship with a liar because you never know what will happen next or if something is happening behind your back. I have been so depressed becuase of my husbands lies that I cry pretty much every day. I don't know if I can help you with this but I do know that he shouldn't lie to you, you don't deserve it! It seems you are being the good christian wife and he is not being the good christian husband. Maybe you should remind him that lying goes against one of the ten commandments. Also he should see how much he hurts you when he lies and stop doing it, maybe you should have him take a lie detector test. Best wishes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008):

I understand. I am going through the same thing right now. It is one lie after another. I do not like asking him questions anymore as I know the response will be a lie. I feel like I am in this maze and just can't find a way out of it. I now know that my marriage has been based on lies. Why is the question? I guess once a liar always a liar. He is so confused due to all the lies that he doesn't even want to discuss anything. I have called a lawyer today because I am now so afraid of the lies that I have yet to find out about. Hopefully he will be honest with the next victim he finds.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008):

My husband lies all the time too.

He works at a base that is now closed but still has military establishments. I know there is a woman there who has his eye and has probably had his eye for about three years or so.. This is probably why when I had surgery, he went to work.. and was not with me. Although I have been confronting this issue.. as well as his lack of concern for my well being, he continues to lie.

Today he said he was with a co worker til 530 working. Funny how when I looked at his NEXTEl this friend called him a minute or so before he called me at home and twenty minutes after he supposedly was still with him doing the job of putting in a pump in one of the buildiings. Its just like he's still in the military with lots of temptation around him.. i work full time and am in school on weekends. I had a bad event over the weekend and completely fell apart on Sunday. I NEVER FALL APART! He has been a lot nicer, less verbally abusive but I know he is still 'seeing' her.. even if it is because she turns him on. god has a big lesson in this.. and he will soon learn it. by then, i wont be cleaning up for him anymore, paying the bills or preventing further crisis and issues that he seems to be so good at creating. I have to wonder.., is this why WE didtn have heat for a winter and lived with two space heaters for a 2500 sq foot house? because his two brain parts were at the BASE?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008):

Well, my husband has been lying to me since we met. I was quite slow to catch on as he is a quiet man. Quiet for a reason. Anyway..in the midst of all of this is a lovely daughter born 3 years ago, and our step children. I have recently realized that nothing built on lies can last. And there is no way to change the past or the hurt that it caused. Forget? Not gonna happen. Forgive? Im trying. But unfortunately I still don't know why he feels he has to lie. It is a personality thing. But I think that for me it is time to let go of what could have been and move on to more stable things in life. Don't spend too many years worrying about it -- like the song says "Dont blink"

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008):

My husband had told lies as well/ As far as the cheating thing - If some lady called my house and I asked him about it and he acted the way your husband did - I'd leave him in a second. You don't want aids! As far as lying - My husband lies about having lunch with coworkers -all the me. I can no longer trust him. It's like living with a little kid. You should be the one who's embarassed - not your husband. Why is he embarassed?! He has it good he can havve his "Baby Momma" at home and he can go to work and act like he's single. Wow! Get rid of that asshole!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007):

you should find out why hes lieing and what for is he cheating or just lieing over things places hes being, sit him down ask him because you want him to change, from anne

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (16 August 2007):

eyeswideopen agony auntThis was posted two years ago to this very day. I certainly hope she has found a solution to her problem by now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007):

I understand what you are saying. I have only been married for a month and 1/2. However all through our dating expirence he continued to lie. Most of his lies were regarding to his drinking, or where he was. A few times I caught him in to face lies. Only recently have I discovered that he feels if hedoes not share what happened with me it is not a lie. I confront the situation by saying deceitfulness is the same as lying. The problem is that I love him dearly, more than anything else, but I don't trust one word that comes out of his mouth. I am so angry and hurt, that the prolem escalates with placing of blames...from me telling him me must stop lying, and then him telling me that it was me that made him lie to me, and thatif he trusted me more with the truth than he would not lie? I feel guilty but I still don't beileve he is giving me an honest response. This wounds more like an excuse to me. It is so easy to look at someone elses relationship and say I would never stand for that, which is what I would have done if someone else had asked me for advise. However, I want to stay with him, and love him because everything in me tells me that he has full capability to be a great guy, and a wonderful husband. This breaks m heart to ask you at what point did you discover your husband lying to you and would you had left him knowing what you know now, before you had children? Do you really think that people have the ability to change? What does one do when they are married to a habitual liar? don't want to end up 10 years down the road stil wondering whether or not he is lying to me, but I love him more than anyone in the world. Do I stay? Is he capable of telling the truth? Do marriages ever move on? Advise anyone, help!! Thanks alot, Mindy from Abilene

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007):

Maybe your husband wouldnt lie if you werent always trying to cram him into a perfect package. Don't put up with cheating as he wouldnt from you, but those little lies you should let slide. Give the man some privacy and don't probe into everything he does. Some people expect too much from their marriage, you cant have "all" of anyone ever, so give it up.

From a probed husband.

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A female reader, tdc United States +, writes (6 June 2007):

I hope that you will read and take something from these words from a someone who is grieving in several ways right now. Your husband sounds like my husband of 11 years. We were together total of 15 and he was in my life for 19+. He, the father of 3 children for me was also guilty of lying on a regular basis. I spent many years in "hell" due to the inability to trust not only him but others as well.

I was eventually faced with the fact that my husband whom I loved so much, was someone I didn't truly know. I thought I was strong enough to get through this with my faith and my love. I wasn't. I had an affair with my cardiologist in a town where we went for a "new start". Again, empty promises from the man I needed to believe in, led me into a life I never believed possible...not from me..a woman whose faith and love of family was my life! His lies were about a whole different life from us. I had to carry this burden alone, as his family could never recognize the women he had in OUR life. We divorced. A tremendous battle continued as I believe he realized that he truly did love me. He was killed in a boating accident on May 5th, 2007, just a few weeks ago in the Bahamas...Living his life that he seemed to need and need to keep me from. My grief is indescribable as I deal with my own guilt and try to remember the good in him. Don't find yourself here. Recognize the lies for what they are and address them. You have needs and expectations that should not be dismissed. Take heed and salvage this marriage if it is what you want and what he wants. If it isn't, move forward without bitterness, resentments, and hatred. After what you have shared together, they are not real. They would keep you from a healthy life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007):

Well, she IS Christian from the sounds of it, and she could have been text-book educated with her religion. In short, if she was using the information from that site as a reference to her own woes, then it's fine, but hmmm, maybe you should report this to Andrew/DearCupid.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007):

Your grandmother huh? How about you got more than half of your post from this website: http://www.deepwaters.info/deeper_vol12.htm

Plagiarism is a crime!

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A female reader, sjktmom +, writes (15 August 2006):

I have the same problem as you Nichole.I have been married 10 yrs.,and I have caught my husband lying to me pretty much on a daily basis since the beginning.They lie to us because they are the ones who do not trust us. They do not trust us with the truth.They don't understand that the lie is most often worse than if they had just told the truth.I have spoken to him, and explained how I feel that I cannot trust one word out of his mouth, and he gets so angry because he doesn't know why I don't trust him! These men are emotional abusers.I recently looked this up, and I was shocked, and hurt that this is what has been happening.You must get out of the relationship ASAP.Save your children, and yourself.These abusers are so full of self hate, that they cannot possibly love anyone, because they do not love themselves.Maybe your husband promises to work on the lies,but it could just be a ploy.Also,my husband has cheated on me once that I know of, and another heavy flirting thing that I caught before escalation. No woman should have to put up with that,EVER. Trust me, read up on spousal emotional abuse, hopefully you'll understand why a divorce is necessary.I know now for myself that it is...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2005):

Ever think of hiring a private detective? They're not that expensive and if you can't believe him, maybe you need to have him checked out. Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2005):

Good God Woman, wake up please! This man is whoring around plain and simple. Don't focus on the lies honey, focus on the pain that this man is causing you. He is a cheater and needs to be dumped. He is having his cake and eating it too because you won't see him for who he is. Please make plans for yourself and children to get out soon,. Consult your family and friends, you will need them for a while. Consult a lawyer (don't tell your husband these things so that he can make plans to beat you to the punch). Get your dignity and self respect back. If your children are raised in a household where someone is unfaithful, there is a great risk that they too will be unfaithful to their mates. Please darling, take action!!!

Rotten is what rotten does.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005):

I have been in a very similar situation. If you have'nt already done so you need to tell him how you feel plain and simple so he can understand. I tried this I also tried writing it in a letter and even playing him at his own game in the hope he would realise how i felt. My husband was always lying to me about small pointless things most of the time and a few bigger things but small lies mount up once they have lied a few times you start losing trust and wandering about everything he says or does. My husband was also very decietful which is just as bad and although I confronted him a number of times he seemed to have no concience and denied everything leaving me feeling helpless. I tried everything i could think of over and over again i was determined not to let this break us up but after a couple of years and feeling mentally exhausted i had to give up for the sake of our chidren if nothing else as it was no longer a happy house and their welfare has to be priority. after ending our marriage on good terms it was then he showed his true colours and i realised i did the right thing. Once you lose trust everything slowly dies with it. All I can say is fight with all you have to make him understand but dont put up with it and dont run yourself into the ground as I nearly did know when enough is enough. If things dont work at least you can say you tried your best. Good luck I really hope it goes well.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2005):

Hi Nichole,

I am in a very similar situation to you. My husband also lies usually to cover his butt. For instance, last week he was working a night shift job and instead of going to work he spent 20 hours sitting in a bar at the Casino. well he thought I wouldn't find out but I knew within 10 minutes of him being home, then he lied about why he wasn't answering his phone, why he smelt like alcohol, why he didn't look tired for someone who had supposed of been working all night and most of the next day. And the list of lies goes on. My husband is a real attention seeker and has even spent $70,000 on a car just to get people to notice him t, this would also be the reason I suspect for him having a lot of tattoo's. I am at my whitts end and have told him that he wants to stay married and be with his kids that HE has to make an effort to make our marriege work and that HE must make an appointment with a councillor and get help for the reason behind what makes him so deceiptful. I won't live like this anymore, I don't even trust him enough to go to work now. I really don't want to be married to him anymore but at the same time I don't want to be the one to destroy the very strong bond he and my 2 year old son have, My hubby has one last chance to do the right thing and if he screws it up he's a goner. Basically these men that lie all the time are selfish pigs and do it to cover their backsides they should get over themselves and be decent people. In 12 years I have never told my husband a lie and I expect the same in return. Get tough on your hubby, don't let him get away with it. I am starting to believe that once a liar always a liar. I have not caught my hubby with another woman but suspect that he's been there, why else would he spin a web of lies just to go out for a drink?. Good luck with yours.

Sandra

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (17 August 2005):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntThis may not be quite the answer you would hope for or even expect but I must be truthful.

Reading your letter, I would say that perhaps you set very high expectations for your husband and perhaps he feels he cannot meet them. I'm not saying for one moment that he is right to lie to you, Of course he isn't, but perhaps there are reasons for him doing it and it is these that you need to investigate.

He may not feel very worthy in your eyes and that he isn't reaching the 'hero' status.

Obviously marriage means a great deal to you and so it should but I think you may need to ease up on the role you expect him to take within your marriage. Remember he is a human being too and will have faults and flaws to his character.

Sit down with him and get him to talk to you; let him do the talking. Don't tell him your expectations or how disappointed you feel in him. Just ask him why he feels the need to tell you untruths and that you really want to be able to trust him. Ask him to try to be honest with you as you would like to save your marriage.

If he has difficult opening up, have you considered couples counselling? Would he go with you? How exactly does he feel within your relationship? Is he happy? All this you need to discuss.

Trust does take time to build and so does respect but you can help him by looking at his good points with him and making him aware that he can talk to you about anything at all.

Good luck.

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A female reader, amiee United Kingdom +, writes (16 August 2005):

amiee agony auntNichole, as you said your husband losses trust, security and respect every time he lies. so is he conciose of the fact that you are feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts? well obviosly not. instead of takeing on the role of spy detective i recomend you sit sown one night when the children are out of the way either in bed or out for the night after all your children deserve a happy home (and need not worry about this at the moment) after all you most probably will sort it out. sit down and have a chat not an argument (if you can help it) if he is the loveing husband that i think he is he will listen to what you have to say and try to work throught the situation with you. working through this together in complete honesty will hep build back up the basic walls of your relationship. just remember trust, security and respect IS KEY in a relationship especialy in yours so talk about the women talk about those three points and make it clear as to what you need and want. he has children too to look after so whatever happens dont take it out on them they deserve a mother and a father they are also key points in a relationship as they are the importent rols that have been given to you.

"he looses trust, security and respect."

good luck amieex

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